"Second Hand News"
All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Fleetwood Mac.
I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disaster that was Season 8. This would be episode 8-7.
Thanks again to everyone for reading and reviewing!
ACT 1
SCENE 1
INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN. MORNING. DONNA IS AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST. JOANNE AND BOB ARE AT THE COUNTER CLEANING UP. HYDE ENTERS.
HYDE:
Morning.
DONNA:
(a little surprised) Hey, Hyde.
BOB:
Steven, do you want some breakfast?
JOANNE:
I made crepes.
BOB:
(smiling at Joanne) Jojo makes delicious crepes. I don't really care for the French, but I sure do like their food.
HYDE:
No thanks, Bob. Jackie made eggs, pancakes, sausages ...
JOANNE:
(interrupting him) Well isn't she sweet making all that food for you.
HYDE:
Oh no, that was for her. She made me some toast.
BOB:
(to Donna) Well, sweetie. We're heading out. We've got a busy day. Joanne's teaching me how to fly fish and then I'm teaching her how to limbo.
JOANNE SMILES AND NODS AND THEY BOTH EXIT. DONNA LAUGHS AS SHE WATCHES THEM GO.
DONNA:
(to Hyde) They're a little strange.
HYDE:
(shrugs) Hey, I don't judge, man. (sits down next to her) Listen, Donna. I need a favor.
DONNA:
Ok. (with a smile) But if it involves Jackie I want to be paid.
HYDE:
(reluctantly and a little embarrassed) I wanna do something for Jackie but I need your help. And you've gotta keep quiet.
DONNA:
(puts up her hands in protest) On no. I'm not doing anything behind Jackie's back, she's really scary right now. I don't wanna piss her off.
HYDE:
It's nothing bad. Look, (pauses and speaks quickly) I wanna buy a crib for the baby. You know to surprise Jackie.
DONNA:
(smiles) You did something wrong again didn't you?
HYDE:
Maybe.
DONNA:
(slightly jealous) God, every time you screw up Jackie gets something really cool.
HYDE:
(with a nod) Yeah, she's a lucky girl, cause I screw up a lot.
DONNA:
Every time Eric screws up he tries to make it better only then he screws up worse.
HYDE:
I love to watch him do that.
DONNA:
So what'd you do this time?
HYDE:
(irritated) I missed our four month anniversary.
DONNA:
(she pauses, thinking) That was two weeks ago.
HYDE:
Yeah, well, Jackie can hold a grudge for a really long time. I can't remember all of her crazy anniversaries. The first time we kissed, the first time we held hands, the first time we went shopping...
DONNA:
(interrupting him) If you say the first time you did it I'm leaving.
HYDE:
(with a grin) Oh no, that one I remember. That's a celebration I show up for.
DONNA JUST ROLLS HER EYES AT HYDE.
END SCENE
CUT TO THEME SONG
ACT 1
SCENE 2
INT. GROOVES. LATER THAT MORNING. KELSO, IN HIS POLICE UNIFORM IS STANDING BEHIND THE REGISTER. LAURIE AND FEZ ARE SITTING IN THE LISTENING PIT. VAN HALEN'S "RUNNIN' WITH THE DEVIL" IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE COMES IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. SHE NOW HAS A VISIBLE BABY BUMP AND IS WEARING MATERNITY CLOTHES SHE LOOKS AROUND FOR HYDE AND HEADS TO THE REGISTER.
JACKIE:
(to Kelso) What are you doing? Where's Steven?
KELSO:
He said he had some business to do, so he left me in charge. (smiling proudly) It's the uniform, it inspires a feeling of confidence in people.
JACKIE CROSSES BEHIND THE COUNTER AND HITS A BUTTON ON THE CASH REGISTER OPENING THE DRAWER.
JACKIE:
(grinning sarcastically at Kelso) Oh really? Is that why he took all the money out of the cash register?
KELSO:
(defeated) Ok fine, he told me to stand here and make sure no one steals anything and if they want to actually buy something they just bring it over to Eric's store to pay for it.
JACKIE:
Yeah, that makes a little more sense. (she turns to Fez and Laurie) What are you guys doing?
FEZ:
(with a perverted smile) We are just waiting for Eric to get busy so then we can sneak into his magazine room without him noticing.
LAURIE SMILES AT FEZ NODS IN AGREEMENT. JACKIE LOOKS AT THEM LIKE THEY ARE SICK AND HEADS TO ERIC'S STORE.
CUT TO INT. THE FORCE. THERE ARE SEVERAL CUSTOMERS WALKING AROUND AND ERIC IS HELPING SOMEONE. JACKIE COMES IN FROM THE DOORWAY FROM GROOVES. SHE LOOKS AROUND FOR ERIC AND WHEN SHE FINDS HIM SHE CROSSES TO HIM. THE SONG "FOOLING YOURSELF(THE ANGRY YOUNG MAN)" BY STYX IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO IN THE BACKGROUND.
JACKIE:
Eric, where's Steven?
ERIC:
He said he had to go to a doctor's appointment with you.
JACKIE:
(nastily) Does it look like he's at a doctor's appointment with me?
ERIC:
(with an annoyed smile) Jackie, I'm really busy here, so can we play "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" later?
JACKIE:
(a little nuts) Is that a crazy person reference? Because I am so not crazy right now. I was crazy earlier, now I'm just cranky.
ERIC:
Whatever you are, can you go be it somewhere else?
JACKIE CROSSES BEHIND ERIC'S REGISTER AND SITS IN HIS STOOL.
JACKIE:
(whining) No. I need someone to cheer me up. And Steven's not here and you are. (she smiles) So congratulations, you get the job.
ERIC:
But, I don't want the job.
JACKIE:
(a subtle threat) I'll tell Steven you made me cry.
ERIC:
(with a fake smile) I'd love the job.
JACKIE:
(triumphantly) Perfect.
DJ'S VOICE:
(coming over the speakers) This is DJ Rock Rockman and that was a little Styx to get your day going.
JACKIE:
(confused to Eric) Hey, (listening to the radio) isn't Donna supposed to be on the air right now?
ERIC:
Who cares, this guy plays Styx.
CUSTOMER:
(to Eric) Excuse me, do you have any Bantha action figures? I have a lots of Sand People but no Banthas.
ERIC:
(with a cheesy smile) Well, that won't work, I mean how are your Sand People supposed to get around the desert? Walk?
ERIC AND THE CUSTOMER BOTH LAUGH AND JACKIE LOOKS AT THEM LIKE THEY'RE IDIOTS. ERIC HEADS TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE STORE.
JACKIE:
(rolling her eyes) Oh, please.
A CUSTOMER WITH ONE ITEM SETS IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER IN FRONT OF JACKIE.
CUSTOMER #2:
(to Jackie) I'm all set.
JACKIE:
(glares at the customer) Are you kidding me? I don't work here. Do I look like a weirdo to you?
ERIC:
(yelling to Jackie over his shoulder from the back of the store) Look, Jackie, I've got to help this guy. The register is the same as Hyde's. Just ring him up and get him some change.
JACKIE:
(with an irritated sigh) Fine. (to the customer) Is that all you're buying? Come on, get something else. I know you don't have any bills because you probably still live at home and there's no way you have a girlfriend to buy things for. So, why don't you just go pick out more toys and spend all of your money. (with a peppy smile) It'll make you feel all happy inside.
CUSTOMER #2 HEADS BACK TO PICK OUT SOME MORE ITEMS AND JACKIE SMILES.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 3
INT. BABYLAND STORE. HYDE AND DONNA ARE WALKING AROUND. HYDE LOOKS VERY ANNOYED AND UNCOMFORTABLE. DONNA IS LOOKING AT THE BABY CLOTHES. SHE HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HER FACE.
DONNA:
(laughing) Oh my God, look at how cute this is! (she holds up a tiny, pink frilly dress and does a baby voice) "Buy me daddy, buy me!"
HYDE:
(grimacing) I'm not looking at that stuff. I'm here to pay. That's it.
A CLERK COMES UP TO THEM. IT'S FENTON.
FENTON:
May I help you two?
HYDE:
(looking at Fenton strangely) Hey, don't I know you?
FENTON:
(checking out Hyde) I don't know? Do you? You're not really my type but perhaps we met after I'd had a few too many Fuzzy Navels.
DONNA:
(laughing) Gee, Hyde, I didn't know you hung out at the Rainbow Lounge.
HYDE:
(to Donna) Get bent. (he turns back to Fenton) You're Fez and Kelso's landlord, aren't you?
FENTON:
(with a smug smile) Yes, I am the Lord of their Home.
DONNA:
Oh my God, that's right. Hey didn't you used to work at the jewelry store?
FENTON:
I did. But they fired me. Apparently it's not ok to borrow the jewelry when you go on vacation. So, now I work here. I'm a nursery consultant.
DONNA:
What's a nursery consultant?
FENTON:
(gesturing to himself) It's me. (a beat) So, what is it that you need? A changing table, an antique rocking horse or perhaps our deluxe Little Angel Crib that comes complete with the singing teddy bear mobile?
HYDE:
(very sarcastically) Well, right about now I'd love a beer and to be knocked unconscious.
FENTON:
(giving Hyde a smile) Well, maybe after my shift ends.
HYDE LOOKS TO DONNA. HE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT LOSE IT.
DONNA:
(to Fenton) Ok, he's not like Fez. (indicating Hyde) He's kind of violent.
FENTON:
(smiling) Well aren't you the lucky lady.
HYDE:
I just need a crib. It's a gift. My wife can come in later and pick out the rest of the stuff.
FENTON:
Alright. What kind of crib? We have over twenty-five different models.
HYDE:
(irritated) I don't know, a crib the kid can sleep in. You know one that has walls so he doesn't fall out. (he turns to Donna) Donna, help me out here.
DONNA:
(she doesn't know either) Um, I think we need one that has a mattress too.
HYDE:
(nodding) Yep. A mattress would be good.
FENTON:
Well then, our deluxe Little Angel Crib is perfect.
HYDE:
(with an annoyed grin) That's the most expensive one in the store isn't it?
FENTON:
Yes. I believe it is.
HYDE:
Will you leave me alone if I buy it?
FENTON:
Yes.
HYDE:
(he nods) I'll take one.
FENTON SMILES AND DONNA LAUGHS AT HYDE WHO LOOKS VERY IRRITATED.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 4
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN. THAT AFTERNOON. RED, KITTY, ERIC AND JACKIE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER.
ERIC:
(with a laugh) You guys should've seen Jackie. She talked every person in the store into spending all of their money. It was awesome. (giving Jackie a smile) You know, you would've made a great televangelist.
JACKIE:
(with a smug look) I'm glad I could help make some sad loser's life a little more losery by encouraging him to buy more Star Wars toys.
HYDE AND DONNA ENTER. THEY LOOK VERY NERVOUS WHEN THEY SEE JACKIE.
ERIC:
(to Donna and Hyde) Where have you guys been all day? You know Kelso handcuffed some guy in your store 'cause he thought he was shoplifting. The poor guy was just grabbing his handkerchief.
HYDE:
(slowly) Um ... where have we been? What do you mean by "been"?
DONNA:
(blurts out) At a feminist rally. We've been at a feminist rally!
RED:
(glaring at Hyde) What?
HYDE:
(irritated to Donna) Yeah, what the hell?
DONNA:
(quickly) We were selling records at a feminist rally. You know, come meet Hot Donna, buy a record.
HYDE:
(suddenly playing along) Yeah, I accidentally ordered a whole bunch of Pat Benatar albums. I had to try and unload them.
JACKIE STANDS UP AND CROSSES TO HYDE WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HIM.
JACKIE:
Oh, my poor Steven with all those unshaven women yelling at you all day. How about we go home and I give you a back rub?
HYDE:
(quickly grabbing Jackie by the hand) Well, goodnight everybody.
DONNA:
Wait, (she stops Jackie) Jackie, you can't go home!
JACKIE:
Why not?
HYDE:
(irritated, to Donna) Yeah, why not?
DONNA:
Because, (she's not sure what to say) ... because you were going to wax the floors in your kitchen remember. And Jackie you have to wait here because the fumes ... the fumes ... are super ... fumey.
KITTY:
(with a proud smile) Oh Steven, you are so sweet to wax the floors for Jackie. Red did you hear that?
RED:
(cranky) No. I stopped listening after the words "feminist rally".
HYDE SMILES WEAKLY AT RED, WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 4
INT. FEZ, LAURIE AND KELSO'S APARTMENT. KELSO IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH A PAIR OF HEADSETS ON. SOMEONE IS KNOCKING, VERY LOUDLY, ON THE DOOR. KELSO DOESN'T HEAR A THING. FEZ COMES OUT OF HE AND LAURIE'S BEDROOM. HE IS WEARING A ROBE. HE CROSSES TO KELSO AND RIPS THE HEADPHONES CORD OUT OF THE STEREO, CUTTING OFF KELSO'S MUSIC. KELSO TURNS AND LOOKS AT HIM.
FEZ:
(to Kelso) Are you deaf, man? Answer the door.
KELSO:
(whining) I told you - if I don't wear these I can hear you guys doing it and I am so sick of hearing you two do it. Give the poor girl a night off I'm begging you, man!
FEZ:
(with mock sympathy) Oh boo hoo. Answer the door!
FEZ HEADS BACK INTO HIS BEDROOM AND KELSO HEADS TO THE DOOR. HE PUTS THE HEADPHONES AROUND HIS NECK. HE OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S FENTON.
KELSO:
(getting cranky) Ok, look. I know. They're REALLY loud. I've asked them to keep it down, but that just makes them mad. And when they're mad, they get louder. (points to his neck) So just go buy some headphones like I did.
FENTON:
I'm not here about that. Although you're right. They are incredibly loud. (smugly) I must admit, I didn't think Fez had it in him. (a beat) I'm here because your rent is due today.
KELSO:
Oh yeah. That.
FENTON:
(bitchy) Yes, that. And stop paying me in pennies. It's not funny.
KELSO:
(indignant) Fine!
KELSO HEADS OVER TO THE KITCHEN AND OPENS THE FRIDGE. HE PULLS OUT A WAD OF CASH AND CROSSES BACK TO FENTON.
FENTON:
You keep your rent money in the fridge?
KELSO:
Hey, banks get robbed, man. Nobody's ever robbed our fridge. (He hands him the money) Here. (he leans in and whispers to Fenton) You're not gonna tell any robbers where we keep our money are you?
FENTON:
Not if you give me your head phones I won't.
KELSO:
(sighing loudly) Fine.
KELSO RIPS THE HEADPHONES OFF OF HIS NECK AND HANDS THEM TO FENTON.
FENTON:
Oh, I saw one of your scruffy friends today at my store with his wife, the Redhead.
KELSO:
(confused) Who?
FENTON:
(with distaste) The one with the very unmanageable hair.
KELSO:
Oh, that's Hyde. What was he doing at your store?
FENTON:
He said he was buying a gift.
KELSO:
Wait, did you say his wife had red hair? Jackie doesn't have red hair. Donna has red hair.
FENTON:
Oh I know hair my friend, and hers was a scrumptious shade of cinnamon red.
FENTON GOES TO LEAVE THEN HE STOPS AND TURNS BACK AROUND.
FENTON:(cont'd)
By the way, I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Fez. You know, if you're ever lonely I'm just a short little staircase away.
KELSO SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE. THEN HE TURNS AROUND LOOKING VERY CONFUSED.
KELSO:
(to himself) What would Hyde be doing at a jewelry store with Donna? And why would he say she was his wife?
KELSO GOES THROUGH A MYRIAD OF FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, FROM BOREDOM, TO CONFUSION, TO OPEN MOUTHED SHOCK AND REALIZATION.
KELSO:
(yelps) UH!
FEZ AND LAURIE COME OUT OF THE BEDROOM BOTH WEARING ROBES..
FEZ:
(to Kelso) Who was at the door?
KELSO SPASTICALLY COLLECTS HIS THINGS AND HEADS TO THE DOOR.
KELSO:
(freaking out) No time to talk, man. I've gotta go kick Hyde's ass. (with a small smile) Well, I'm not sure yet if I'm gonna kick his ass or buy him a beer and high five him. I'll decide on the way over.
KELSO EXITS AND A VERY CONFUSED FEZ AND AMUSED LAURIE WATCH HIM GO.
LAURIE:
What the hell was he talking about?
FEZ:
Who knows. But it doesn't take a crystal ball to see that someone is going to end up in the emergency room tonight. So hurry up and get dressed, we don't want to miss it!
FEZ AND LAURIE HURRY BACK INTO THEIR ROOM
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
ACT 2
SCENE 1
INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE. A SHORT WHILE LATER. AN EMPTY BEDROOM THAT WILL BECOME THE NURSERY. THERE ARE CRIB PARTS AND SEVERAL SHEETS OF INSTRUCTIONS SPREAD OUT ALL OVER THE FLOOR. HYDE AND DONNA ARE KNEELING ON THE FLOOR LOOKING AT EVERYTHING.
HYDE:
(very irritated) A feminist rally, Donna? Why didn't you just tell them we were crib shopping? That's less embarrassing .
DONNA:
(with a chuckle) Hey, once everybody finds out what you really did today they get to have a good laugh. It's only fair that I get to have one too. (she looks back at the crib parts) Ok, tell me again why I have to help you do this?
HYDE:
Because you're Forman's girlfriend and I know you've witnessed him put together hundreds of those Star Wars models. So, I was kind of hoping some of that rubbed off on you.
DONNA:
Are you kidding? I just sit there and drink while he puts those things together.
CUT TO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM KELSO SNEAKS UP TO THE DOOR AND PUTS HIS EAR TO IT, LISTENING.
DONNA:
(voice only through the door) Wow, Hyde. This looks really hard.
KELSO'S EYES GO WIDE.
HYDE:
(voice only through the door) That's why you're here. To make it less hard.
KELSO'S EYES GO WIDER.
DONNA:
(voice only) Ok, what am I supposed to do?
HYDE:
(voice only) God, I can't believe after all these years Forman hasn't taught you how to do this.
DONNA:
(voice only) Eric never lets me touch his things. He likes to do it himself.
KELSO GIGGLES LIKE AN IDIOT.
HYDE:
(voice only) Ok then, I'll show you how to do it.
KELSO SLAPS HIS HAND OVER HIS MOUTH.
DONNA:
(voice only) Ouch! Stop poking me with that thing.
KELSO SLAPS THE OTHER HAND OVER HIS MOUTH.
CUT TO INT. NURSERY. HYDE AND DONNA ARE TRYING TO PUT THE CRIB TOGETHER. DONNA IS HOLDING ONTO A PIECE OF THE CRIB WHILE HYDE IS TRYING TO SCREW IN A SCREW. HE IS REPEATEDLY POKING DONNA IN THE FINGER WITH THE SCREWDRIVER AS IT SLIPS OFF OF THE SCREW.
DONNA:
God, Hyde. Where did you learn how to screw?
SHE PULLS HER FINGER AWAY IN PAIN.
HYDE:
(with a smirk) Hey, Jackie's never complained.
DONNA:
(rolls her eyes) You're sick you know that?
CUT BACK TO THE HALLWAY AND KELSO WHO IS NOW REPEATEDLY BANGING HIS HEAD, QUIETLY, AGAINST THE WALL.
DONNA:
(voice only) Now quit fooling around, Jackie could walk in at any minute. Let's just do this.
HYDE:
(voice only) Fine, but you're totally taking all of the fun out of it.
KELSO TURNS AWAY FROM THE WALL AND SQUEEZES HIS LIPS SHUT SO HE DOESN'T YELL OUT. HE PACES AROUND THE HALLWAY SPASTICALLY, HIS ARMS FLAILING. FINALLY HE STORMS OFF.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 2
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY. IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. KELSO IS FRANTICALLY PACING BACK AND FORTH. HE IS FREAKING OUT.
KELSO:
(to himself, very quickly) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...
FEZ AND LAURIE, HOLDING HANDS WALK UP THE DRIVEWAY. THEY STOP WHEN THEY SEE KELSO. THEY STAND AND WATCH HIM WITH AMUSEMENT.
FEZ:
(to Kelso) What, you're not injured yet? Hurry it up, man. Laurie and I have things to do.
KELSO:
You guys! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...
LAURIE:
(interrupts him) Kelso, when did you become so religious?
KELSO:
Holy crap! You guys are not going to believe what I just found out!
FEZ:
(putting up his hands) Ok, fine. We did it in your bed. But it was just the one time and we washed the sheets - so stop your complaining.
KELSO:
I'll kick your ass for that tomorrow. But right now we've got big problems, man. (he pauses) Big! (again he pauses) SO BIG! (a longer pause) HUGE!
LAURIE:
(irritated) Oh my God, will you just spit it out already!
KELSO:
(waving his arms around crazily he yells) DONNA AND HYDE ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR!
LAURIE:
(yells) What?
FEZ:
(starts pacing and freaking out) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...
KELSO:
(pointing spastically at Fez) See, that's what I said too!
LAURIE:
(shaking her head looking very spacey) This is bad, oh this is so bad. (to Kelso) Jackie does not like being cheated on!
KELSO:
(he nods in agreement) You're tellin' me!
KELSO AND LAURIE HAVE A LITTLE LAUGH. FEZ LOOKS VERY ANNOYED.
FEZ:
(to Kelso) If you and my wife are done reminiscing - what are we going to do?
KELSO:
(with a perverted smile) I vote we climb up a tree and watch.
LAURIE:
(hits Kelso and then asks him) How do you know they're having an affair? Did you see them?
KELSO:
(hisses at Laurie) They were in a room - of course I didn't see them! I'm not Superman. (pauses and gives a dumb grin) Man, I wish I had X-ray vision. I bet Superman sees some sweet things.
FEZ:
(grabbing Kelso by the shoulders) Kelso! Focus!
KELSO:
Look, I heard them ok, over at Hyde's house. I know sex talk, and that was sex talk. They were talking about screwing, and poking and doing it yourself ...
FEZ:
(interrupts him) He's right, that's sex talk.
LAURIE:
(starts pacing) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...
FEZ:
(interrupts her) Ok, we have to come up with something else to say.
THE THREE OF THEM STAND ON THE DRIVEWAY, FLIPPING OUT.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 3
INT FORMAN LIVING ROOM. A SHORT WHILE LATER. RED AND KITTY ARE WATCHING TV. RED IS IN HIS CHAIR AND KITTY IS ON THE COUCH. THEY ARE BOTH HAVING A DRINK. KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE BURST THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR AND STOP IN THEIR TRACKS. THEY DON'T MOVE. THEY JUST STARE, NERVOUSLY, AT RED AND KITTY
RED:
(looking angry) Are you kids on dope?
KITTY:
Laurie, what's the matter? Oh no. You three don't want to move in here do you? You cannot live here, there is not enough wine in Point Place for me to survive that.
FEZ:
(very nervously) Miss Kitty, we have a question. What if you knew something really, really horrible about someone doing something really, really terrible.
RED:
(to Fez) Speak English, Tonto.
FEZ:
What if you knew someone was having an affair?
KITTY:
(with an excited smile) Ooh, is it Hilary Peterson? I always knew she was a tramp.
LAURIE:
No, Mom. It's not Hilary Peterson.
KITTY:
Oh I know, it's Rita Martin isn't it? Well who could blame her, her husband's a little flighty if you know what I mean.
LAURIE:
(shaking her head, slowly) No, it isn't Rita Martin.
FEZ:
(very nervously) It isn't anyone you know. It's ... it's ... well let's just use an example shall we. What if it were oh I don't know ... for example ... Donna and Hyde.
KELSO:(together) Fez!
LAURIE:(together) Fez!
KITTY:
(with a look of absolute shock) Steven and Donna are having an affair?
FEZ:
(quickly) No, no, no I did not say that ... I said, (he pauses) "for example"
KELSO:
Fez, whenever you give an example you use the names you're trying to cover up.
FEZ:
(smiles uncomfortably) Oh, you noticed that.
KITTY:
(puts her head in her hands) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God ...
KELSO:
(spastically) I ALREADY TRIED THAT AND APPARENTLY GOD'S TOO BUSY TO HELP OUT RIGHT NOW!
RED:
(gets out of his chair and crosses to Kitty) Now, Kitty. Calm down. I'm sure there's an explanation for this.
KITTY:
(with an angry smile) Oh there's an explanation alright. That red headed harlot wasn't content just stealing Eric away from me, now she has to have Steven too.
FEZ:
(sadly) Oh my God, Eric ... I had not even thought of Eric. I was just thinking about poor Jackie. Her baby will have to be born in jail after she kills Hyde.
RED:
(turns and points, seriously, at the kids) Nobody says a word about this to Eric or Jackie until I've talked to Steven.
ERIC AND JACKIE WALK THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
ERIC:
Nobody says a word about what to Eric and Jackie?
EVERYONE STANDS THERE SPEECHLESS AND MOTIONLESS. KITTY REACHES FOR HER DRINK AND SHE SLAMS DOWN THE WHOLE THING AT ONCE. IT TAKES A FEW SECONDS AND EVERYONE WATCHES HER DO IT.
KITTY:
(laughs nervously) About the fact that I just drank the last of the vodka. (she stands up and tries to push Eric and Jackie back into the kitchen) Now, why don't you two be a pair of angels and run along to the liquor store for me. Only go to the store in Osh Kosh because they have my favorite vodka.
JACKIE:
Mrs. Forman, Steven and I have vodka at our house, I'll go get it for you.
KELSO, FEZ AND LAURIE:
(together) NO!
KITTY:
(quickly) No, no Jackie you can't go home. Remember? Steven and Donna are waxing your floors.
KELSO:
(under his breath to Laurie and Fez) That's a new way to put it.
JACKIE:
Ok, something's going on here. (she smiles) Are you planning me a party?
ERIC:
Jackie, they could be planning me a party. (Jackie raises her eyebrow and shoots Eric a look, he shrugs) Yeah, never mind.
KITTY:
(nervously) Now there's nothing going on. (she plops Jackie down in Red's chair) Jackie, you just sit here for minute Red and I will be right back. We're just going to run over to your house and check on those fumes. Because, we don't want you breathing or seeing anything you're not supposed to.
KITTY AND RED HEAD TOWARDS THE KITCHEN DOOR. JACKIE STANDS UP AND SMILES TRIUMPHANTLY.
JACKIE:
I knew it, there's a surprise waiting for me at home isn't there?
FEZ:
You could say that.
LAURIE HITS HIM.
JACKIE:
(clapping excitedly) Yay! I love surprises. I can't wait, I have to see what it is.
KELSO:
(blurts out frantically) YOU CAN'T GO TO YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE DONNA AND HYDE ARE DOING IT!
RED:
Kelso, I am gonna shove my foot so far up your ass you're going to need a proctologist to get it out.
ERIC:
(very confused) What the hell?
KELSO:
(quietly to Eric) I'm sorry, man. I couldn't keep it in anymore. My head was literally going to blow right off.
KELSO DEMONSTRATES HIS HEAD BLOWING OFF. AND ERIC LOOKS AT HIM LIKE HE'S CRAZY.
ERIC:
(with a chuckle) Kelso, you need to spend less time with the shock collar on, my friend, because Donna and Hyde wouldn't do that to us.
KELSO:
(suddenly very serious) It's true, man. I heard it myself. I'm sorry, Eric.
ERIC:
(slowly to Kelso) You're not fooling around are you?
KELSO SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY. AND ERIC LOOKS SHELL SHOCKED.
ERIC:(cont'd)
(stunned) Oh my God. That's where they've been all day. That's why Donna wasn't on the air, and why Hyde wasn't at the store. I should've known they were lying as soon as Hyde said he was at a feminist rally.
JACKIE:
(nervously) This has to be a mistake.
ERIC:
(yells crazily) I'll kill him!
JACKIE:
(annoyed) Oh, please.
ERIC:
(to Jackie) What's that supposed to mean?
JACKIE:
(very irritated) It means - if you weren't so wimpy and I wasn't so fat maybe we wouldn't be in this situation!
KITTY:
Now, Jackie, we don't know what's really going on. I mean, Michael's not exactly the most reliable source of information.
KELSO:
UH! Ok, wait, that's true.
JACKIE:
Oh don't worry. I'm calm. I'm going to calmly go over to my house and I'm going to very calmly kill Donna.
ERIC:
Donna? Why not Hyde?
JACKIE:
Because, I am sure Steven is a victim in all of this. That big amazon probably has him tied up doing God knows what to my poor Steven.
JACKIE FOLLOWED BY ERIC HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH EVERYONE ELSE CLOSE BEHIND.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 4
INT. JACKIE AND HYDE'S HOUSE THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE NURSERY. JACKIE AND ERIC ENTER THE HALLWAY, FOLLOWED BY KELSO, FEZ, LAURIE AND KITTY. RED STANDS, VERY IRRITATED, AT THE BACK OF THE GROUP. THEY ALL LISTEN AT THE DOOR.
HYDE:
(voice only) Donna, hold still so I can put this in.
KITTY:
(whispers to Eric and Jackie) Well now, they could be doing anything.
DONNA:
(voice only) Ow, Hyde.
JACKIE:
(wide-eyed) Oh my God, they're definitely doing it.
ERIC:
How do you know that? All she said was, "ow".
JACKIE SHOOTS ERIC A TELLING LOOK.
ERIC:
(depressed) Oh.
FEZ:
(sadly) Oh Eric, you have lost her forever now.
ERIC STARTS BANGING ON THE DOOR.
ERIC:
(yelling) Hyde, open this door right now or I'll break it down!
HYDE:
(voice only) Forman? (a beat and then) You can't break down the door.
ERIC:
(he pauses, like he thinking, then he yells) You're right. I can't. (spastically) But I'll keep knocking and knocking until it drives you crazy! So open the door!
HYDE OPENS THE DOOR AND STANDS IN THE DOORWAY. ERIC GRABS JACKIE'S HAND AND THE TWO OF THEM BARGE IN. EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWS.
LAURIE:
(looking at Hyde she says quietly to Kelso) Smart. They kept their clothes on. (Kelso nods)
ERIC:
(trying to be tough) Ok, buddy. You steal my woman I steal your woman. How do you like these apples? (he holds up Jackie's hand) I'm holding your wife's hand. And ... I'm gonna put my arm around her.
ERIC VERY RELUCTANTLY AND AWKWARDLY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE, WHO LOOKS VERY ANNOYED.
JACKIE:
Eric, what are you doing?
ERIC:
I'm sorry, Jackie. This is unpleasant for me too but it'll be over soon, don't worry.
KELSO:
(excitedly) Awesome, someone is going to the emergency room and it's not me.
HYDE:
Forman, it would be a really good idea for you to take your hands off of my wife.
HYDE AND DONNA ARE TOTALLY LOST. JACKIE STARTS LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM. SHE IMMEDIATELY REALIZES WHAT'S GOING ON.
DONNA:
Eric, what the hell?
ERIC:
(pointing at Donna) Oh I'll get to you, missy. (looks quizzically at her) Boy, you got dressed really fast.
JACKIE:
(nudging him) Um Eric ...
ERIC:
Hold on, Jackie.
JACKIE:
(a little more urgently) But Eric ...
ERIC:
(steps away from Jackie and timidly pushes Hyde) Ok, buddy. Let's go!
HYDE:
Did you take stupid pills today?
JACKIE:
(yells) Eric!
ERIC:
(exasperated he finally turns to Jackie) Jackie, for the love of God, what?
JACKIE:
Look.
SHE POINTS TO THE HALF BUILT CRIB AND THE OTHER STUFF ON THE FLOOR. ERIC STARES AT IT, REALIZATION SLOWLY CREEPING IN.
ERIC:
(nervously, his voice cracking) It's a crib ... and some tools ... and my girlfriend and my best friend are probably ...
JACKIE:
(with a smile she interrupts Eric) Putting it together. (she covers her mouth with he hands) Oh, Steven.
SHE CROSSES TO HYDE AND THROWS HERSELF AT HIM. HE HOLDS HER BUT HE STILL STARES AT ERIC.
DONNA:
(to Eric) What did you think we were doing?
ERIC:
Well, Kelso said ...
HYDE:
Kelso? The guy who gets his information from the graffiti on the bathroom stalls at The Hub.
KITTY:
You mean you two aren't ...
HYDE AND DONNA LOOK AT EACH OTHER, HORRIFIED.
HYDE:(yelling) NO!
DONNA: (yelling) NO!
RED:
(points at Kelso) Dumbass! (points at Eric) Dumbass! (points at Jackie and pauses) I'll let you slide because you're pregnant. Come on, Kitty. We're going home.
KITTY:
(pausing, she looks at Hyde and Donna and laughs nervously) Oops.
RED AND KITTY EXIT. EVERYONE TURNS AND GLARES AT KELSO.
KELSO:
(stammering) Ok, this is not my fault. Fenton said you two were shopping at his store. (spastically wagging his finger at them) What were you guys doing at a jewelry store?
FEZ:
Oh, you should have probably mentioned that fact to me because Fenton does not work at the jewelry store any more.
KELSO:
How do you know that?
FEZ:
(with a glare) Keep your enemies close, my friend.
KELSO:
Yeah but, then we heard you guys talking about screwing and Donna kept saying "ow" and then Jackie said you were doing it for sure because apparently Hyde's kind of gifted in the pants department.
HYDE:
(with a smirk) Well, that part's true.
DONNA:
I was saying "ow" because Hyde massacred my hand trying to put this crib together. (she holds up her hand)
JACKIE:
(with puppy dog eyes) Steven, I'm so sorry. It's the hormones, they're making me ...
HYDE:
(points at everyone in the room) Nobody say crazy or she'll lock herself in the bedroom again. (he reluctantly grins at Jackie) You know, you can only use that excuse for exactly 22 more weeks.
DONNA:
(to Eric) What's your excuse?
ERIC:
I'm stupid, Donna.
DONNA:
(she laughs) Yes. Yes you are.
ERIC KISSES DONNA AND SHE SLUGS HIM IN THE ARM.
KELSO:
(quietly to Fez and Laurie) Great, that was gonna be my excuse.
JACKIE GRABS HER BABY BUMP.
JACKIE:
Oh my God!
HYDE:
(suddenly very serious) What's the matter? Is it the baby?
JACKIE:
(with a huge smile) I think she just moved.
HYDE:
(looks stunned) Holy crap.
JACKIE:
(giggles) It's like a little goldfish swimming around in my stomach.
KELSO:
(with a smile) I ate a goldfish once.
DONNA:
(incredulously to Eric) This guy? (she points at Kelso) This is where you get your information from?
HYDE LEANS DOWN AND YELLS INTO JACKIE'S STOMACH.
HYDE:
Hey, baby - it's your dad. Don't ever believe a word Kelso tells you.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
CREDITS
JACKIE AND HYDE'S BEDROOM. LATE THAT NIGHT. THE LIGHTS ARE STILL ON BUT THEY ARE BOTH IN BED. JACKIE IS IN HER PAJAMAS AND HYDE HAS HIS SHIRT OFF. SHE IS LAYING DOWN WITH HER EYES CLOSED AND HER BACK TO HYDE HE IS SITTING UP IN BED WIDE AWAKE AND STARING AT HER. JACKIE SHIFTS POSITIONS AND HYDE LEANS INTO HER.
HYDE:
Did he do it again?
JACKIE:
(not opening her eyes) No, Steven. I'm really tired, can I please go to sleep now?
HYDE:
(with a wicked look in his eyes) Do you think if we fooled around he'd move again?
JACKIE:
(slightly exasperated) I don't know, Steven.
HYDE:
(with a smirk) Do you wanna find out?
HYDE GRABS JACKIE AROUND THE WAIST FROM BEHIND AND PULLS HER TO HIM SHE LAUGHS.
END SCENE
END EPISODE
UP NEXT ...
"Help Is On the Way"
A very busy Eric decides to hire some help at the store. But, he's less than pleased with his only applicant. And, all of the girls are thrilled to accompany Jackie to her doctor's visit when they discover who her doctor is.