The attack was ready. ShadowClan's best warriors had massed along the southern border, prepared to invade RiverClan. Guns were being shuttled to the front lines, preparations made for invasion, and RiverClan had no idea that it would be happening. The only thing that would be different from the Battle of Alsace-Lorraine Minor would be my lack of presence.

This battle, I preferred not to participate in. After moons of training, I was reasonably confident that ShadowClan's warriors would be able to hold their own without my overseeing the battle, and it would have quite an effect of my future plans if I were to be accidentally killed.

I didn't even personally tell the warriors their battle plans, instead trusting that Blackstar would get the plans across well enough.

Did I just want to sleep throughout the battle instead of wasting precious energy yowling out orders the cats already knew? Yes. Did the author not want to overshadow the sheer badassness of the Battle of Alsace-Lorraine Minor by writing another scene? Possibly, unless he's just being a lazy little shit. (That's something which he's very good at being.)

Hey!

All author deprecation aside, I genuinely didn't feel like going to the battle.

No, I had other plans.

Off-camera... er, off-page? Off-computer? Off... Fuck it. Whatever you would call it, in between chapters I went off and stole a computer out of a Twoleg store. Don't worry about how I would manage to get in there, this is a crackfic. Even besides that, considering that this is a franchise built around heavily anthropomorphized cats grouped into specialized Clans that worship a pantheon of omniscient ancestors living in the stars, I think we've successfully crossed the line of absurdity. (Cue seal of absurdity stamping into place.)

Yes, I just plagiarized MatPat. Don't blame me, blame the author. All those FNAF theory videos he watched last night for something like three hours are now firmly embedded in his head. Seriously, VP, get a life!

Uh, where were we before the author thought it would be funny to go off into another bout of self-deprecation?

Right. Computers.

My claws weren't very good for typing, and I had to precisely place a pad atop the touch-screen mouse to get it to move, but I managed to get it set up in the end, and despite the lack of a charger (which I figured I could fix later) I still had 97% battery and 5 hours left on it.

"What have you got there, Snakepaw?" Littlecloud asked.

"A computer." I replied, tapping a paw against the screen. "Twolegs use it to help store information, among other things."

Frowning, my mentor meowed, "That's actually quite clever of them."

"I know." I replied. "Now, let's see if I can manage to switch this thing over onto mobile data or if I got the wrong kind."

Fortunately, I had stolen the right kind, and began clicking my kitten claws over the keyboard.

"What is..." Littlecloud squinted at the screen. "...morphine? Is that how you pronounce it?"

I nodded. "You can read."

To his credit, Littlecloud didn't get angry at me giving him backtalk. Instead, he began reading. "Morphine is a pain medication of the opiate type which is found naturally in a number of plants and animals.[5][7] It acts directly on the central nervous system (CNS) to decrease the feeling of pain. It can be taken for both acute pain and chronic pain. Morphine is frequently used for pain from myocardial infarction and during labor. It can be given by mouth, by injection into a muscle, by injecting under the skin, intravenously, into the space around the spinal cord, or rectally.[5] Maximum effect is around 20 min when given intravenously and 60 min when given by mouth while duration of effect is between three and seven hours.[5][6] Long-acting formulations also exist.[5]"

Littlecloud turned away. "To me, a great deal of this is nonsense. For instance, why are there so many numbers indicated?"

"Why'd you read them out loud?" I retorted.

"Because the author was too lazy to delete them out of my dialogue!" replied the brown tabby.

Great, now there's two of you breaking the fourth wall.

"Who the hell is that?" Littlecloud shrieked.

I sighed in frustration. "We have a lot of explaining to do..."

Unfortunately, explaining that there was an omniscient being controlling everything that we did would have to wait, as a messenger burst through the entrance to the den and stood there panting.

"Owlpaw?" I straightened. "Speak. What news do you bring?"

After continuing to pant for a few more seconds, the small tom managed to get out, "RiverClan has fallen, and their camp has been occupied. Mistystar is ready to accept unconditional surrender."

"Excellent." I replied briskly. "I assume Blackstar has already been informed?"

"Yes."

"Excellent." I repeated, brushing past him, heading for Blackstar's den. Now it was time for negotiations.