A/N ahh this first half of the chapter has been wrote since October, OCTOBER! So I had to build from that and I'm so glad I was finally able to get to use it in the story, I think some people might really connect with the feelings throughout it. Anyway, sorry this chapter is short and yeah that's it, but I think you'll be happy with the ending.
Disclaimer: I don't own Austin & Ally or anything else you might recognize.
Slamming the door she rushes in. This is supposed to be a safe place, but right now she feels anything but. She should be able to handle this stuff by now. And yet she can't. Her life has been one disaster after the other, this is nothing new. But why does it feel like a whole new ball game? Maybe because it is…
This isn't like what's she's been through before. Her heart was literally just ripped out of her chest. Oh wait, she has been through that. Multiple times. But this was a different type of pain. A very different type.
A pain that only love could cause.
Not the love you get from your parents. But the love you get from an actual lover. From one you can kiss. Touch endlessly. Make them too feel loved. It's the type of love that you experience when you're growing up. Up and away from your parents. Only one person in the world could make you feel like this.
She should have listened to him. She shouldn't have gone back. The moment her back had turned the second time that night to him, she knew, she knew in her heart something bad was going to happen. Something she wanted nothing to do with.
Tears stream down her face just by the mere thought of it, and she lets out a scream as she finally falls to her knees. The weight of everything has finally brought her down. She can't escape anything anymore. It has all finally came back to her. Every single thing is back to haunt her. All those memories she pushed out of her mind and thought she forgot are back and attacking her. But she wants those back, doesn't she? She honestly has no clue anymore…
Reality was not something she needed right now. She needed an escape. Her dad wouldn't allow it to her. She needed out. She needed to be in her mother's arms again, but she can never be. It's a startling reality. Choking back a sob, she lets out another scream.
"Why?" she screams into the air, before taking a deep breath and continuing, "Why? Why did you take her away from me? She was nothing but good to you. She always did the work you needed done and even what didn't. Always! But you still took her away."
Closing her eyes, she stands on wobbly legs. There's a rage inside of her. Something she's only felt before twice. This feels so wrong, yet it feels so right. So she keeps on with her rant, through her broken sobs.
"I needed her! I needed my mother. And you took her away." Looking around, she throws her hands into her hair pulling as she screams more. "You're supposed to be an almighty God, you're supposed to make everything okay. The people who live by your word shouldn't be taken away so soon. It was too soon. I wasn't even a teenager before I had to live without a mother.
"You're the reason cancer exists aren't you, you're the reason she died. I could have had a mother if it wasn't for you! And now you're taking the person who could have been my best friend and the love of my life all this time away too! I hate you. How's that God?" she questions laughing bitterly into the empty church. "I hate you. I hate everything about you; your whole entire creation. I wish you would just go ahead and kill me. Please, do."
Suddenly she hears piano keys being hit making a wretched sound. Looking around her breathing becomes heavier than it already was. There's footsteps, she can hear them but can't tell where they're coming from. "Are you coming to kill me God?" she asks, as more tears stream down her face.
There's no way out, she's just wasting her life at this point and she'd be much better off gone. Never in her life had she wanted to be dead more than this moment. It had all finally become too much to bear. This is exactly what she needs, to be taken off the earth.
Finally she stays quiet as the sobs overtake her body and she's now numb, not aware of anything going on. There's what feels like chains being wrapped around her body, immobilizing her. Heat, flames going throughout her entire being. Her eyes begin to roll to the back of her head, as she takes one last look around the room, and standing there with an angel beside her is her mother, Penny Dawson. Letting out a small smile, Ally knows this is it. This where her life ends, and she's okay with that if it means she gets her mother back.
And then it's all black.
"Ally!" she hears. Wait isn't she supposed to be dead? That is not her mother's voice. "Ally please! Wake up! I heard everything, wake up please!"
There's wetness dripping into her hair, she's still wrapped in the chains and filled with the flames but it's a different feeling. She's being shaken. Shaken awake. Her eyes attempt to flutter open, the light being too much for them. Letting out a groan, she starts coughing only to feel the chains loosen.
"Ally?" the voice asks. That voice. It's smooth and dripping with compassion. Austin.
Austin? Austin. Austin!
Finally coming to the realization she's still on earth, and not with her mother like she wants, the tears leak through her closed lids. She feels something pounding behind her head. What was once a consistent steady beat in his chest that matched her own, was going rapidly at a dangerously high speed.
"Austin," she whispers, struggling a bit as the words escape her lips. "I just want my mom."
"Shh." he coos as he rocks her silently, wrapping his arms even tighter around her, kissing her forehead lightly. "I know you want her but you're gonna have to settle for me and my mom who's on her way."
Then once again, it all goes black. But this time she's not comforted by the darkness.
"I'm not sure what happened." he admits pacing around the living room. "I was just playing piano and rehearsing for Sunday, when she stormed in screaming. She wished she was dead, she said she hated God. She just kept whispering that she wanted Penny as she was passing out again from the panic attack. I can't do it anymore."
"What can't you do anymore?" Mimi asks quietly, running her fingers through Ally's brunette curls.
"I can't keep acting like this is all okay. Like her mother dying was an everyday thing. Like me hurting her because her dad wanted her to be back to the way she was before was perfectly fine." his breathing was getting heavier by the second. "I can't act like it's all not killing me as much as it's killing her, I can't act like I'm not losing the only girl I've ever loved to her own sanity and depression because of a few damn mistakes I made when I was a kid that I was forced to keep a secret this entire time. Heck, I'm losing my own sanity."
Breathing in deeply, she closes her eyes as she tries to focus on Ally and Austin's breakdown at the same time. She can tell that there's something else bothering him though, it's not all about what had just happened, he had been acting off and cautious since the night before.
"Austin, what happened last night?" the blonde women questions, a stern tone laced throughout her voice. "I saw you broke down in the field while I was taking a walk around, so what happened after you left last night."
"I found her with Gavin…" he whispers, before dropping onto the floor beside of Ally. "She left me for him and accused me of using her."
"Oh." Mimi replies, not even entirely sure what to say. "Well I think you should let her rest, go to the barn and check on Sadie. Your dad said she seemed a little off when he fed all the horses this morning."
Nodding his head, he places a kiss on Ally's forehead before getting up and heading to the backdoor. He looks back at his mom and Ally, and lets out a sigh. Her freak out and panic attack had scared him, he could handle her nightmares but he never wanted to experience that again.
The room is dark. Lights flashing all over. She can feel her body moving but it's like she's watching a movie and not actually in her body. All the sounds are muffled but she can make some words out.
She can see herself and Gavin dancing. Their bodies are close, but not quite touching. The thoughts while they are dancing are going through her head while she has completely different thoughts as she watches the situation.
All she can hear in her thoughts while dancing with Gavin, is her wising he was Austin. Austin, Austin, Austin. It should be him, it really should but it's not and it might never be again. But she can't let that happen.
No, she thinks. She needs to get out of there. This isn't how it's supposed to be. She's putting herself through something she really doesn't want just to prove a point to her father. How immature could she be?
Suddenly, she hears grunting and sees herself trying to break away from Gavin. She follows them as they rush out of Red Boots. Ally's looking around and she briefly wonders why before her thoughts are filled with what could only be the thoughts of this memory. She's looking for Austin's truck, but he's gone. He actually left her.
All she can see now is Ally running over to Dez's jeep and trying to open it, only to find it locked. Then Gavin is rushing over towards her and she looks scared to death. Why does she look so scared?
He walks over until he can pin her to the jeep and she feels her own heart stop as the memories fully flood her again. She sees his hand traveling dangerously low and the shivers rake over her body once again.
Then all she hears is screams and the repeated words; "No, stop! Don't touch me. You're not Austin, don't touch me! Please stop…"
She jerks awake, screaming, and crying. Her throat feels like it's full of cotton. Her whole body physically aches. She feels her body being pushed down and she screams louder, as her eyes close tightly.
"No, Gavin! Don't touch me!" she shouts as the grip becomes tighter, only for the person to shake her.
"Ally!" the voice shouts, causing her eyes to shoot open. "What's wrong, Alls?"
Not answering, she breaks her arms from his grip and wraps them around his neck. She knows her tears are soaking through his shirt and that he's sweaty and smells like hay, but honestly she doesn't care. He's here. She needs him, she thought he left her forever when she walked away from him.
He had been right, he was always right. She was just too damn stubborn to admit it. The warmth flooding her veins as their bodies touch is something she needed, it calms her down. It makes the pain of the flashbacks subside.
Running his hand through her hair, he kisses her temple lightly before pushing her back so he can see her face. She gives him a sad smile, before looking at the ground and anywhere but his face. "I'm going to ask once more, Ally what's wrong?"
"He tried to touch me, Austin." she whispered as she looked down at her hands, her breath quickening just at the thought of it all. "I said stop, he wouldn't stop. I had to scream until Dez, Jace and Dallas came running outside… I should have listened to you."
"Yeah, you should have." he replies bluntly, and moves his finger underneath her chin to get her to look at him. "But it's all over now, okay? And I am so sorry that had to happen to you and I'm so sorry for everything."
"I wanna say I forgive you… I really do," she admits quietly with a smile before her face turns serious again. "But before I can, I think you need to help me remember my childhood and help me cope with everything that's happened. Then I can forgive you, I just, I need your help."
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