Chapter Fourteen- Wait… What?
It was a week and a half after we had made our great work of art that I noticed something was definitely wrong with Sirius. I could not put my finger on the exact problem, but it seemed that he was having a definite relapse of his hair gel depression. He had been moping around since we returned from the kitchens on the night Viper and I were touched by god. It seemed like he kept sending me looks of absolute despair, it was a little disconcerting…
In other, more pleasant, news Deuce and Remus were definitely the cutest, most cavity inducing couple I have ever seen. They have been snuggly and cutesy since their spectacular date at Hogsmeade. The date went absolutely smashing, and they had been holding hands, and whispering sweet nothings to each other ever since. Needless to say it was mission accomplished!
Back to the not so sugary note, the whole Sirius topic was still gnawing on my nerves, so I decided that it was time I consulted an expert, the one person who I knew was always watching, and always observant. The man I could count on to always be hyper vigilant.
"Hey Viper have you noticed anything wrong with Sirius lately?"
He stopped looking lovingly at the book mark he was holding and looked at me blinkingly.
"What did you say?"
I sighed, so much for hyper vigilance. "Have you noticed anything off with Sirius recently?"
He tapped the book mark to his chin thoughtfully. "If by off you mean he has been glaring at me hatefully for more than a week, yes something has been off with him."
"Huh, we were getting on so well too. It sort of bothers me that he has been avoiding me…" I sighed mournfully.
Viper looked at me a small smile on his face "Why does it bother you?"
I just looked at him for a while "I dunno I guess I miss hanging out is all… You are always off with so and so and Deuce and Remus now have each other. I just liked having someone to talk to is all…"
Viper looked thoughtful for a moment "Then why not go talk to him?"
I stared at him, then ginned "Excellent idea my amazing friend! We should go look for Sirius!"
I jumped out of my seat, grabbed Viper's arm and yet again set out on a search for Sirius
"Why do I have to come?" Viper inquired as I drug him from the Commons Room.
"Well, you said Sirius has been glaring at you ever since he has been ignoring me, obviously the same thing is making him act weird around both of us, and so we shall investigate this puzzling mystery together!" I stated as I continued to drag Viper down the hallway.
"But I was busy!" Viper continued to whine.
"Viper, you were staring at a bookmark, hardly anything life changing." I quipped.
"Don't you ever insult this book mark! It is the most amazing book mark ever made! The likes of this bookmark have never been seen before, and shall never be seen again!" Viper stated passionately, waving his bookmark around triumphantly, casting it loving, almost worshipful glances.
I sighed "You are only so infatuated with that bookmark because…" I was cut off midsentence when I ran into a solid body, forcing me to fall back into Viper.
We fell, and landed in an undignified heap.
I heard a snarl from the person we ran into. I looked up and straight into the eyes of the Devil.
"What the fucking hell was that you bitch!" This is what I interpreted the sounds that issued from the beasts mouth to mean. It was hard to decipher the meaning from the horrendous noises, but I think I managed fine.
Looking up at the figure, I shuddered in revulsion. Of all the people in this castle we had to run into Agnes Pustule.
Agnes was a lovely girl hailing from the house of Slytherin, with the torso of a manatee, the legs of a chicken, and the personality of a dementor after a drunken troll has tried to take advantage of it.
"Agnes!" I cried jumping up.
"You found us! Okay, now it's your turn, you go hide and we'll look for you!"
Now, poor Agnes wasn't the sharpest glue stick in the box so it took her a few seconds longer than most to realize I had just offended her.
"You little bitch! You think you're so smart, well you're not! You're even wearing pants!" She said with a sneer.
"Yes Agnes, yes I am, because pants inhibit brain function." I sighed.
I could think of better insults than wearing pants, but seeing as her mental state was far below average at least she had made some sort of effort.
"…Any way, this has been fun, but I am currently in the middle of a quest and I'm not supposed to slay the dragon until I at least catch sight of the princess, so, go find Sirius and stand next to him, and when I find you we can chat again."
This little rant seemed to be too much for the poor girl to understand, so instead of leaving she did what most people do in this school and whipped out her wand in order to cast a curse at me.
"Viper," I asked my friend who had been standing next to me cleaning his nails "she's taking out her wand, why do people at this school always do that?"
"I have no clue darling, must be a British thing."
Agnes, who seemed to grow weary of me and Viper's comments, fired her first curse, missing both of us even though neither of us had moved.
The curse instead continued on its course until it collided with a suit of armor and came flying back, only to hit it's caster square in the face. Our dear Agnes was thrown backwards and onto the ground. Her face was soon covered in large purple pustules which starting oozing something rather unpleasant.
"Do you think she meant to do that?" Viper asked while leaning over her to get a better look at her face.
"I believe so, sir. I think it's a basic intimidation tactic, you show your victim what will happen to them, without actually doing it to them. You do this to scare them into doing what you want; however, because we were the only ones here she skillfully bounced her spell off that suit of armor. So you see Viper," I said while pointing at Agnes. "THAT is what will happen if we run afoul of the beast again."
"Ahhh" Viper said with a nod. "very skilled indeed. Well I've learned my lesson."
With that we both continued on our quest leaving the moaning and oozing Agnes in the hall.
… (A few moments later)
"And that is how Viper and I conquered the most feared beast of Hogwarts!" I said triumphantly.
"Okay, first off Ace, you can't just give a story ending line like that when you haven't even told a story. Secondly, even if you had told the story why would you tell it to me, a character of the story?" Viper said, chiding me.
"I thought what we did was very heroic and in need of narration, that's all." I replied, defending my earlier, well thought out, and meaningful comment.
Viper sighed "Well, now let's go find your princess."
A couple halls later I realized Sirius was most likely in the Astronomy tower. This revelation made itself known to me after it dawned on me that every other time, save one, that I was looking for my princess he was locked away in his tower.
Grabbing Viper's wrist I proceeded to drag him in the direction of the Astronomy tower. I smiled as we made it to the stair case, and heard deep and sorrowful sighing coming from the top of the stairs.
"We have found the Holy Grail! Our quest is complete!"
With a triumphant whoop I proceeded to run up the stairs, Viper following at a sedate pace behind me.
It turns out I was in fact correct in my assumptions. Sirius was sitting on the floor of the Astronomy tower, looking as though he would never be happy again. It was a little disconcerting to see the almost sickeningly joyful marauder so distraught.
I stopped in my tracks and just stared at him. I was surprised he hadn't heard my thundering foot falls as I ascended the stairs.
Deciding this pitty-athon was coming to an end today I marched up to Sirius crouched down in front of him and proceeded to make him smile with my hands.
"Why so down?" I asked looking at him unflinchingly despite how utterly ridiculous he looked being forced to smile.
Sirius just looked into my eyes and I couldn't help but be surprised by what I found there. They reflected a mixture of longing and betrayal that even made my smile disappear.
"Sirius," I said now rather concerned. I had a feeling this was no longer about hair products.
"What's wrong?"
I had of course removed my fingers from Sirius's face and was now crouching before him looking at his face. Perhaps the reason for his troubles would be written somewhere there.
Sirius managed to muster a weak smile and said "It's nothing, don't worry."
It was then that Viper, who had been leaning casually against the door frame watching the scene play out, spoke up. "You know Sirius, if you don't tell her she'll just keep worrying."
When Sirius heard Viper's voice his face changed almost immediately to one of extreme rage. The change was so dramatic that I lost my balance a fell backwards. Sirius turned slowly towards Viper.
"Oh, I'm sure!" he spat.
"Why don't just take get out of here, and you two can have another great adventure!"
Viper arched his eyebrow, and stood up reaching his full height.
"Excuse me?" He said folding his arms "I don't believe I've done anything to deserve such hostility."
"Yes, you're just so innocent; you come around flaunting your relationship in my face you piece of shit!" Sirius, who was facing away from me jabbed an accusing finger my way.
If I wasn't confused before, I was now. What the hell was he talking about? Right before I was about to ask though Viper jumped in.
"FLAUNTING!" He screamed, now turning a not-so-flattering shade of red.
"YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME! YOU GET ALL DISGUSTED WHEN WE HOLD HANDS! OR GIVE A LITTLE KISS! MEANWHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS HAVING FUCKING SEX WHERE EVER THEY DAMN WELL PLEASE!" He yelled while walking towards Sirius.
"DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T DO IT TOO!" Sirius matched Viper's volume, and also took a step forward so they were now about an inch apart.
"YOU TWO ARE ALWAYS TOGETHER! YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS EVERYONE ELSE!"
They both seemed to be very passionate about this argument, but I couldn't help but feel like something was off, must be that woman's intuition thing again.
Now Viper got very quiet "Do you know how much we have to hide, because of people like you? Who are so hateful and afraid of things they can't understand?"
Viper was staring Sirius down, and had a nasty sneer on his face.
"Why don't you two just go back to where you came from?" Sirius retorted, glaring back.
"OH! WHERE WE CAME FROM? OF COURSE, BECAUSE WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE HUMAN! US GAYS!" Viper pushed Sirius backwards and he fell to the floor.
Sirius looked up at Viper, now confused. "Wait... what?"
Viper was now walking towards Sirius "That's right!" he said triumphantly
"Gay people are human too! I now this must come as a big shock to you!"
Sirius just looked up at Viper, still confused. "What?"
He then looked back at me "Ace," he asked looking frightened "are you a man?"
I looked back at him, a little taken aback "Not that I'm aware of" I replied, yes I thought, something was definitely very odd about this argument.
Viper paced back the other way "GAH!" He yelled while throwing his arms up towards the heavens.
Sirius then looked at Viper "…and, I've seen you without a shirt on..." he said looking more and more confused
"Yes! That's right Sirius; you've been sleeping in the same room as a gay man. For all you know I've been raping you in your sleep!" Viper said condescendingly; however, Sirius didn't seem to hear this. Instead he was starring off into space.
"But, if you're a man, and Ace is a girl, then how can you be gay?" he said while looking up at Viper.
"Wait... what?" Viper said, stopping his angry pacing. "What are you talking about?" he asked Sirius
"What are YOU talking about" Sirius returned.
"Wait... WHAT?" I said, standing up "What ARE you guys talking about?"
Viper turned from a gaping Sirius to look in my direction. "I am talking about bigoted, short sighted, unethical, homophobic fools, who can't stand the fact that two men can love each other just as much, if not more, than a man and a woman! I don't know why he is so confused! He's probably just upset that someone has finally called him on his inability to accept that which is different than him!"
Viper was fuming by the end of his speech, gesturing crudely in Sirius's direction.
I looked at Sirius who was still gaping at Viper.
"Sirius, do you have a problem with Viper being gay? Of all the people here I thought that you would be able to understand..." My eyes took on a sorrowful expression.
I had really thought better of Sirius. By this time Sirius had stopped gaping, and was looking at me panicked.
"Wait, Ace, I...Viper is gay?" He still looked shaken.
"Yes, Viper is gay... I thought that is what you were upset about... especially after everything you said..."
Sirius's shock turned to relief.
"Oh thank MERLIN he is gay! This is WONDERFUL!" It was my turn to look shocked.
I looked at Viper, who was also sporting a look of confusion.
"You're happy Viper is gay? But what were you ranting about earlier?"
Sirius's grin grew "I don't give a flying rat's ass about who Viper loves! He could be in love with the Giant Squid for all I care, as long as he wasn't in love with you! Oh man this is the best day ever!"
Viper and I looked, if possible, even more shocked.
Sirius then began to laugh. Well, I'm not sure if 'laugh' is the correct word. It was a hysterical laugh I suppose, both his hands were drawn into tight fist and his mouth was pulled back into the biggest smile I had ever seen, one of his eyes was slightly bulging out of its socket, and his head was moving back and forth wildly between me and Viper.
He then ran up and hugged me while laughing in my ear, then released me and ran and gave Viper an equally crazy hug.
After he let go of Viper he still continued to laugh, which had actually turned into more of a gurgling sound than laughter.
"Uh... Sirius" I said quietly, slowly moving towards him.
Viper on, the other hand was backing away from Sirius, who was now crumpled on the floor.
Viper by this time was looking both frightened and disgusted.
"I have never seen anyone take a coming out this poorly, not even my parents." Viper said still backing away.
"Sirius, you need to calm down." I said soothingly while rubbing his back.
His convulsions slowly started dying down. Finally they had stopped all together and Sirius was very still... a little too still.
"Sirius?" I said while leaning over his huddled form so I could see his face.
He was smiling, not the crazy smile from before, but a truly happy smile; there were tears streaming down his face from laughing so hard and his face was flushed.
He turned his head so he was facing me, with that same euphoric smile.
"He's gay Ace!" He said quietly, all the while looking straight into my eyes. Then, something very strange happened.
Now, before I say this, know that today had not been an entirely normal day. During breakfast I found a toad in my cereal, which was lovingly claimed by a blithering first year. I saw my Herbology professor eating a salad with an insanely gleeful look on her face. I ran into a chicken manatee. Sirius and Viper got into a gay who knows what fight, and now this.
Sirius twisted around so he was lying on his back while simultaneously grabbing my shoulders and pulling me towards him for, what would be my first kiss.
And a kiss it was, but it was not really what I had expected, or wanted my first kiss to be like.
I may be a smart ass, but I am a hopeless romantic. I had, since I was very young, hoped for a dashing handsome man to come sweep me off my feet. Our first kiss would be gentle, yet full of an untold passion, maybe even in the rain.
This kiss was neither passionate, nor gentle. I was crouching for one so I was a little unbalanced to begin with, and because of the force Sirius used to pull me towards him our lips, along with the rest of our faces, collided with each other as I came crashing down on top of him.
So here I was, in the astronomy tower, lying on top of a boy who had just minutes ago suffered from a conniption, and whose face was streaked with tears, and now due to the impact, suffering from at least two chipped teeth. In addition to Sirius's injuries I think I might have suffered from a broken nose.
"owww" I moaned rolling of off Sirius while holding my face.
"I think I've broken my face" Sirius said next to me.
All that could be heard over our moans of pain was the semi hysterical laughter stemming from Viper forgotten in the back of the room. Needless to say, today has been a strange day. One I am sure I will never forget, much less ever live down.
A/N: So, we know it has been awhile, but look kissing! People like us, those obsessed with fanfiction, love kissing! Not to mention we have found out that Viper is gay! Le gasp! I know, I know, some of you were probably hoping for a tangled triangle of love and angst, but seriously neither one of us go for love triangles! Next time you will be able to meet Viper's mysterious boyfriend, and more relationship-y stuff with Sirius and Ace! We really appreciate reviews, even threating ones. They really light a flame under our ass, so the more you review, the more spammed my e-mail becomes, and the more likely it is that we will get a chapter out to you! So review. Lovely readers, review! Until next time…
~Alter
Author's note 2.0 My dearest readers, in regards to my colleague's comment about the 'flame under the ass' it is true, it does inspire her to write, for truly she is more lazy and less inspired than I. This author's note is what I hope will be an aid to you, our dear fans who are sending threatening emails. To make your frightening messages more effective please know that my friend hates pigs, leeches, milk and has a fear of things eating tongues, so if you were to threaten an army of tongue eating leeches to befall her on her innocent walk to class surely a chapter would be written the next day. I hope you find this helpful.
Yours Faithfully,
Ego
My gloriously misguided co-author is the one who is too busy watching One Piece to help me complete a chapter. So if you must threaten someone it would be best directed towards her. Her fears include hair plugs and chimpanzees. So, to really pick up the pace of updates threaten her with rug sporting chimps watching her while she sleeps, and hiding in the case of her dear cello. Also just a side note, Agnes is based on the true life monstrosity known as our suite mate. I know, dear readers, how can such a horror exist in real life? My money is on atomic radiation, combined with a few different, but no less frightening birth defects, and possible head dropping as a baby. Again, thank you for your time.
~Alter