CHAPTER 14: Doubt (Season 3, episode 1)

Character(s): Gideon, Strauss (and Hotch, briefly)

A/N: The italicized parts in Gideon's section are flashbacks – the part of this chapter focusing on him goes back and forth between those flashbacks and some of the events in this episode. The first and second flashbacks are inspired by Gideon mentioning in the episode that he met Sarah at college 31 years ago (and the book she recites the title of in the second flashback? Actual book). The third flashback is related to the episode "No Way Out, Part II".

As always, spoilers for the episode, mostly in relation to the ending and the mention of unsubs.

"You can fall ill with just a memory." - Paolo Giordano

She lay completely still. There was no doubt she was dead. Her arms were folded up against her chest, her body was covered in blood, bruises, and cuts. It seemed like it took forever for the investigators to count up all the incisions. One of them shook their head sadly as they poked and prodded her. She was so young. Probably not even twenty years old yet. It just wasn't right.

Not long thereafter, six members of the BAU descended upon the campus area. While most of the team went off to take care of other aspects of the case, Morgan and JJ arrived at the crime scene, ready to help with the inspection, Gideon leading the way.

He took one look at the deceased girl's face. Just one look

And it immediately felt like all of his insides crumbled at once.

ooo

Jason Gideon was staring.

A gorgeous bird, its wings raven-colored with flecks of forest green, its frontside snow-white, save for its throat, which was a bright, warm shade of red, was settling in in a nearby tree. It hopped from one branch to another, letting its perky chirp echo through the campus.

Gideon pulled up the binoculars he'd had hanging around his neck, adjusting them to get a closer look.

"Whatcha looking at?"

Gideon jumped with a start, the binoculars nearly falling out of his hands. Gripping them tightly, he lowered them and turned his head.

A young brunette woman was standing next to the bench, staring down at him with a bemused grin.

"I'm sorry, what?" Gideon replied, feeling slightly flustered.

"I said, whatcha looking at?" the brunette repeated, moving to sit down next to Gideon. He scooted over a little to give her more room. She pointed at his binoculars for emphasis to her question.

"Oh…" Gideon glanced down at the object in his hands, as though he'd just now realized it was there. "I, uh, was just admiring this bird up in the tree here." He waved a hand in the general direction of the tree. "It's a ruby-throated hummingbird. Native to this region. Well, there may be some that show up elsewhere for whatever reason, but they're most common here."

The girl simply nodded, amused. His babbling was kind of cute. "You like birds, huh?" she finally asked.

"Yeah. I'm something of a bird enthusiast." He ducked his head, a tinge of embarrassment on his face. "It's kinda silly, huh?"

"No. I don't think so." The sincerity in her voice caused Gideon to look back up. The woman had leaned in a little closer, her eyes showing genuine interest in this curious young man.

He shifted so he was facing her a little more easily. "My name is Jason. Jason Gideon." He held his hand out towards her.

"Sarah Jacobs," she replied, giving him a firm handshake.

"Sarah. That's a lovely name."

ooo

Sarah… Sarah… No. No, wait, this isn't her...

"Who's not her, sir?"

Gideon suddenly snapped his head up to look at the person who'd spoken to him. It was one of the local police officers, standing next to the latest body they'd discovered. His head tilted, he was peering up at Gideon, a confused look on his face.

"Nobody. Uh…sorry…" Gideon muttered quickly before he turned and walked away.

He definitely needed to focus right now, because things were getting increasingly disturbing. They had a suspect in custody. Nathan Tubbs, one of the campus security guards. They'd gotten him when he was driving around with a young brunette woman – the unsub's type. From the looks of her face when they caught him, he'd apparently freaked her out quite a bit.

He looked real good as a suspect, too. The evidence they'd found screamed "dangerous criminal", and his behavior was questionable at best.

And yet despite these facts, there was a new body. Which meant another unsub was apparently lurking around the campus. Gideon could see the team's dread and frustration as they realized they had to start from scratch all over again.

He also saw their fear. A mob of people was now gathering around the latest crime scene, and they were all shouting and screaming angrily. They had very good reason to be upset, of course, but still, Gideon knew there was nothing he could say to ease the intense guilt and embarrassment he knew the rest of the team was feeling.

Everyone wanted answers and they wanted them now. Unfortunately, Gideon couldn't give people any of that. Not yet. He wouldn't ever be able to at all, either, if he kept completely disappearing into his memories. He also wouldn't be able to keep his team under control, either.

You have to pull yourself together, Jason. Focus on the case at hand. This is the third time you think you've seen her around here. But she's not here. Keep insisting or believing otherwise and people will surely think you're crazy, for God's sakes.

But it was useless. Everywhere Gideon turned, all he could ever see was Sarah. Standing behind the yellow crime scene tape, blending in amongst the onlookers. He saw her face in every young girl that had died on this campus in recent days. He saw the gruesome crime scenes, and his mind automatically went back to…

No. No, he definitely could NOT go there. Seeing her in her normal state is one thing, but that last image of her… He'd vowed to try and block that memory from his mind if it was the last thing he ever did.

ooo

Jason Gideon was sitting in the campus library, his head buried in one of the many books he had spread out across a table.

"Don't study too hard," a familiar voice teased. Gideon lifted his head, smiling at the woman who stood before him.

"Sarah," he said warmly.

"Hey, Jason," she replied, a big grin on her face as she leaned forward on the table a little.

"Please, sit down." Gideon stood, pulling a chair out, and Sarah obliged him. She rested her elbows on the table and scanned the pile of books that covered it.

"My goodness. Tough test in a class coming up?"

"Not at the moment, no," Gideon answered, his attention now back on the book he was reading.

Sarah picked up one of the books. "Casebook of a Crime Psychiatrist," she read aloud. She lifted up a couple of the other books and peered at the titles, glanced at the blurbs on the back. "Interested in crime studies, are you?"

Gideon looked up again. "Yeah," he said. He paused for a moment. "I've been thinking about what kind of career I want." He looked down at his hands. "I want to be in the FBI."

Sarah raised her eyebrows. "Really?" she asked, surprised.

"Yes. Apparently they've got this new unit…the BSU."

"BSU?"

"Behavioral Science Unit. They profile criminals. Study their behavior. And I've always been fascinated by human behavior…"

Sarah chuckled and nodded. "That you have," she agreed. She remembered how, on some of their dates, the two of them would sit and do some people-watching, Gideon throwing out theories about the passersby. She thought he was doing it just to entertain her, but apparently it went a little deeper than that.

"Yeah. Anyway, I think this could be a good field for me. I'd be doing something I love, and I'd get to help people as well."

Sarah considered this for a moment. "Hm. Well…I think that's great."

Now it was Gideon's turn to raise his eyebrows. "Really?"

"Yeah. I think it'd be a fascinating job, and, like you said, you can help people. Where's the downside?" She placed a hand on Gideon's lower arm. "I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Jason. And if this is what you want to do, I say go for it. I'll support you." She gently squeezed his arm for emphasis.

Gideon smiled, putting one of his hands over hers, his thumb softly rubbing her hand. This, right here, was why he loved her. "Thank you."

ooo

Gideon watched in horror as the woman on the screen stabbed herself in the stomach. He saw Morgan and Prentiss immediately dash towards her, saw them try to call for help and keep an eye on both the girl and the man she'd also stabbed, who was laying nearby. Hotch was already up and running out of the room, but Gideon couldn't move at all, other than to merely turn off the computer monitor.

After that, he just sat. "Stunned" seemed too simple a word to describe how he felt right then, and the silence of the small office was positively deafening. But right now, it was all Gideon wanted to hear.

He'd feared this would happen. The woman on the screen was Anna Bagley. She'd been responsible for the murder that happened after they'd put Tubbs in custody. Apparently she idealized Tubbs and wanted to be one of his "victims". A young girl shouldn't be having fantasies like that.

And now she'd attacked Tubbs as well as herself. Two mentally unstable people colliding in the worst possible way. He knew the profile for situations like this. He had an idea of how this would end. And he and his team let it happen anyway, all because they lost focus.

Finally, some time later, he heard the door open. He glanced over to see Hotch enter the room.

"I'm sorry." Hotch's tone was solemn, heavy. He didn't need to say any more, he didn't even need to say those two words, really. The look on his face was enough to inform Gideon of what happened to Anna and Nathan.

That's when he finally broke. Every trick Gideon had tried to shut that memory out of his brain had officially failed.

Hotch remained standing by the door, unsure of what to do next. He could see from the way Gideon leaned forward, elbows on knees, head slowly sinking into his hands, that the man had now gone into a very, very dark place. He had an idea of just what that dark place was, too.

At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to reach out and lend comfort to the man. Gideon had done so much for him over the years, and Hotch admired him more than words could explain. Now that Gideon was in his time of need, and a desperate one at that, Hotch felt he should return the favor, needed to return the favor.

And yet, that reaction told Hotch one clear thing: I want to be alone.

So Hotch simply turned around and left. Gideon didn't even hear the door click shut.

ooo

Jason Gideon never wanted to see the color red again.

Why her? Of all people, God, why her?

How can someone unleash that much blood all at once? Gideon didn't understand. It covered practically the entire room. That was her blood. Now…now it was on horrific display.

She lay sprawled out on that bed. Gideon didn't even want to think about what else that…that bastard…had done to her. If he'd met up with her sooner, if they'd made different plans for the evening…

The day had been so uneventful. Gideon had been out buying flowers for her that night. Or trying to, anyway. The man could prepare a lovely meal to woo a lady, but apparently there were some parts of romance he still had yet to master.

He'd been talking to Hotch about his flower dilemma. They'd been joking, the two of them, Hotch gently teasing Gideon the way people who've known each other for years do. Such an innocent evening, full of promise and hope and happiness. Maybe if he hadn't spent so much time chatting with Hotch…

And then he'd called. Frank Breitkopf. Just like that, he showed up out of nowhere, his voice on the phone sending a deep, bitterly cold chill down Gideon's spine as he listened to the psycho's taunting, merciless voice.

And Jason Gideon's world would never be the same.

ooo

Gideon took a deep breath, folding up the letter he'd written and placing it inside the envelope.

The second to last act on his list of things to do, the very last being packing everything in the cabin up. Then he'd disappear for good, off to God knows where, in the hopes of starting his life anew.

The letter he held in his hands was directed to one person on the team. Gideon felt a small pang of guilt as a voice in his head told him that he should've left messages for everybody. But he knew Hotch and Morgan in particular would certainly understand what was going on. They were tough, they could take control of their new situation right away once he left. And as for the women – he liked all of them, but JJ was the one he seemed to form the strongest bond with, and whom he knew the best. She'd be sad, but he also knew she would probably handle him leaving fairly well.

No, he wanted a specific person to find this message, and who better to read it than the person whom he'd nurtured? The person whose confidence and abilities he saw blossom, but who also had clearly seen their fair share of intense struggles in a very short time.

Hopefully, this letter would prepare them for such a drastic change, as well as give them some advice going forward. Hopefully, they would understand everything he needed to say. He scrawled their name in big letters across the front of the envelope before setting it aside.

SPENCER.

Erin Strauss was in a very, very foul mood.

She didn't like chaos. Not one bit. Chaos lead to bad decisions. Sloppy work. A horrible sense of timing. It lead to confusion over who was the leader and who was the follower, and that lead to lack of respect, which she also hated, probably even more so than the idea of chaos.

No, Erin Strauss was most definitely a woman who preferred to run a tight ship. She loved the idea of organization, of control.

Unfortunately, right now, the members of the BAU were giving her shit in the way of either of those things. Strauss was pretty sure she was wearing a hole in the carpet, with all the pacing and stalking back and forth she'd been doing. She'd been on the phone with the Arizona police, catching up on how the team's latest case had gone, and from what she gathered, it hadn't gone well at all. And once she heard about how it ended, that was the final straw. She spent the better part of the day positively fuming, all the while silently, and not so silently, screaming at everyone involved in this fuckup, using many colorful words in the process.

How in the hell does one think it's okay to let a deeply unstable young woman meet up with a serial killer? What on God's green earth did Aaron Hotchner think would be the outcome of that? That they'd hold hands and skip off into the sunset together?

But that wasn't the only thing bothering Strauss at that moment. Jason Gideon had become a definite thorn in her side once again as well. He seemed to be showing hints of falling back into troubling behavior lately. He was increasingly anxious, overly antagonistic. Running head on into dangerous situations, without following protocol or weighing all the potential consequences. Strauss vividly remembered what had happened the last time he'd exhibited those signs.

He'd also briefly been under suspicion recently when someone close to him was recently murdered. Of course, Strauss knew that he didn't commit the crime, but still, just the fact that he was even looked at to begin with was, obviously, not good. It was the situation with Agent Morgan in Chicago and Agent Greenaway in Dayton all over again! Strauss sighed in frustration, running a hand through her golden hair. Goddamnit, these people were supposed to catch criminals, not be mistaken for them!

The team dropping the ball big time with this case was just the latest in a string of incidents involving them. And she knows the details of each and every one of those incidents. I know she does. Every last sordid bit.

Strauss gritted her teeth as she thought of the dark-haired woman that was increasingly getting under her skin. When Emily Prentiss had joined the BAU, Strauss had been excited. She thought she'd finally have a "mole" of sorts. Someone to keep an eye on the other team members, to relay messages back to her whenever one of them was failing or having difficulties. Someone who didn't have the bias that the others did due to not knowing them nearly as long. Prentiss' mother was on very good terms with the FBI, and Strauss figured the woman had been raised to be as obedient as her mother, had learned how to play the game.

But so far, she didn't seem interested in that assignment. She was proving herself to be infuriatingly loyal, and to people who clearly didn't know the meaning of the word at that. Strauss wanted to laugh at the very idea. Could she really be so naïve? In this line of work, loyalty could shift any time, any day of the week. Surely Prentiss had to be aware of that fact, right?

In short, this team was clearly struggling, and quite badly at that. She'd already discussed all of this with Agent Hotchner once before (and he'd argued back in the process, making a big speech defending his team, the lawyer in him coming out full force then). But it clearly looked like she hadn't gotten through to him. So now it was time for more drastic action in regards to the prickly agent. She would've called Agent Gideon in as well, but she was having a hard time getting hold of him. No matter. She'd deal with him, too, when the time came.

The bottom line was this: there were devastating consequences for one's reckless actions. And maybe, Erin Strauss thought, starting with a suspension at the top of the chain would get that message across, loud and clear.

"Chaos was the law of nature. Order was the dream of man." - Henry Adams