Chapter 14

Sarah had finished dressing Cora a while ago, but somehow they ended up lingering in her room for just a little bit longer. Both of them seated in a chair next to each other, talking. It all started when Cora asked Sarah if she ever thought about her own family. What a question. Not once had they discussed her private life, not in the ten years she had served the Crawley family. At first she answered Cora's questions as plainly as she could, but as the conversation became more and more relaxed she found herself explaining things more thoroughly. To an outsider who knew nothing of the extent of their relationship this conversation would probably appear quite normal. A countess and her maid had a civilised conversation before breakfast, a bit personal maybe, but still relatively normal. After a moment's silence Cora cleared her throat and asked, with a voice almost like a whisper:

"Have you ever thought of leaving Downton? To have a family, another life?"

Sarah met her eyes.

"I could never leave you m'Lady, especially not during these circumstances."

Cora felt her heart sink. Sarah was nothing but kind to her, this woman deserved a life. A proper life, a life with someone who could love her. Someone who could give her everything. She didn't deserve the kindness of a woman like Sarah, all it would do was get them both into trouble. This woman had gone from being just her maid to someone she couldn't imagine a world without. But she knew that including Sarah in her world would end in disaster.

"You should. You deserve.." Cora started, but her voice trailed off.

"I have everything a person could ask for, m'Lady." Sarah replied.

"No, I want you to have more than this. I don't want you to get mixed up in my mess, I want you to find someone who can make you happy, do you understand?"

"No, I don't.." Sarah started, but she was immediately interrupted:

"You must! You must understand this, understand what I mean! I can't hurt you, I won't, I refuse!"

"Cora, it is you who don't understand! I love you. No one else can make me happier." Sarah half yelled, and half whispered back.

Cora was about to explain that she did understand, but when those three words slipped her maid's lips she ended up silent, with her mouth wide open. She slowly closed her mouth, still silent. Sarah felt her cheeks burn up. There, she had said it. She had put it into words, all the feelings and thoughts that had been gathering in her head for such a long time. And on top of everything she had addressed Cora by her first name. As Cora remained silent Sarah felt tears build up behind her eyelids. Cora couldn't form a single coherent sentence as she felt her world crash down on her head. This couldn't be, this was so.. So wrong. And yet she didn't feel angry at Sarah, not even when she had called her Cora, not even then. She couldn't feel angry, because her maid was only speaking the truth. Unlike herself, who lied in every single capacity. To herself, to everyone. She opened her mouth, ready to make up some excuse for her maid's behaviour and send her away, but before any words could leave her mouth she involuntarily started crying. She was shaking with tears and when she felt Sarah put her hand on her shoulder to comfort her she shook it off.

"Don't.. Don't touch me." she sobbed.

She met her maid's eyes and felt so angry at her for forcing her to face her own feelings. This woman, her maid, had awakened something in her Robert had failed to for quite some time. This woman had ruined her life and given it a clear purpose and meaning at the same time. Her maid had changed her, turned her into something she didn't recognise, something she never thought she'd be. Something that was so far away from her morals and everything she stood for.

"You can't do this to me." Cora hissed.

Sarah could literally feel her heart break. It was all over. She had hurt the woman she loved more than anything in the entire world, although her intentions had been to do nothing but protect her. She had probably disgusted her from the beginning, but of course Cora had tried to smooth it over, being as kind as she always was.

"I am most sorry if I've made you uncomfortable and for my inappropriate behaviour around your Ladyship. Also forgive me for my.. For speaking so boldly. I am most thankful that you gave me time to better myself, and I am sorry that I failed to do so. I will immediately hand in my resignation and be out of your way." said Sarah, and was about to get up and leave when Cora, to her great surprise, grabbed her hand and forced her to sit down and face her again.

"Now you're the one who doesn't understand." said Cora with a voice Sarah couldn't identify.

Sarah frowned slightly, unsure about what was going on. Cora couldn't suppress a smile, despite the circumstances, when she saw Sarah's questioning face. She let go of her maid's hand as she leaned over, placing her hands just under Sarah's ears. She cleaned Sarah's face from tears with her thumbs. Sarah shuddered when she felt Cora's fingers on her face. She met the other woman's icy blue eyes and gave her a questioning look.

"Can't you see, the reason I want to let you go isn't because you've offended me. Quite the opposite. I want to let you go because.. Because I love you. But the problem is, I don't know how I could live without you." Cora whispered as she leaned in and kissed her maid on her forehead.

Sarah felt like someone had stabbed her to death and then suddenly decided to bring her back to life. She felt her stomach jerk in delight when Cora repeated the same three words over and over again as she closed the final distance between them and kissed her on the mouth. It was the second time their lips met, but this time it wasn't a clumsy kiss in the middle of the night. Their tongues and hands were entwined as they lost all connection with the real world. They were abruptly interrupted when Mary's chocked voice filled the room.

"Mama! What are you … ?"