AN: I'm sorry for the delay. I know it was cruel of me to leave you all like that last time, but what kind of writer would I be if I didn't bask in your discomfort just a little bit? I love reading your thoughts, so thank you for those who shared them last time. Enjoy this one, though I expect I'll catch a little bit of flack for it.

Leaving Me Breathless

Chapter 14: Explanation

"I don't need to sleep." I wrapped the comforter tighter around my body, settling in. I squared my shoulders and fixed him with my most determined stare. I deserved an explanation, and I didn't plan on quitting until I got it.

"You're not tired?" His voice was resigned. He knew that I wouldn't be giving up. Good.

"I'm not about to let you have that kind of time to come up with some bullshit explanation, Edward. I deserve the truth."

He sighed. "The truth." I knew that he wasn't meaning for me to hear this. I could see him losing himself in his thoughts, and I'm so desperate in that moment to know what those are.

"Just start from the beginning." I encouraged him, still walking a steady line between being thrilled that he had so obviously shown his interest in me and being heavily disturbed by his invasion of my privacy.

Edward shoved his hands through his hair and for a moment I'm terrified that he will tug it out. He took a deep breath and I felt my stomach churn. This was very bad. He hadn't even looked this distraught that day in the woods.

Very suddenly, his gaze is fixed on mine and for a moment he searches my face, contemplating. I'm not sure what he finds but his voice rushes out with his exhale.

"I lied to you, Bella."

I felt my mouth part and a gasp fall from my lips. I'm searching, grasping at every memory I have of him. My brain races a million miles a second as I look for what he could possibly mean. I come up empty.

"Okay." I mumbled out slowly.

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment before dropping his hands in his lap again. "I'll never forgive myself for it. It was cowardly and childish and I'm so sorry. Please, you have to believe that." His gaze is intense and I have to look away for a moment to compose myself.

"What does this have to do with you being here, in my room?"

He didn't answer for a moment, wringing his hands together as he tried to form the words. In that moment, I could picture him in his human life. He would have been such a beautiful mess when he was anxious about something trivial. Now, I felt ice cold fear pulsing through my veins. His anxiety was palpable and I was terrified of what was to come.

His eyes fixed on mine. "I tried to stay away, Bella. Really, I did. I meant my promise in the woods and I meant to keep it. But then Alice couldn't see you and I couldn't just leave you here to…I couldn't not come back." He exhaled harshly.

I nodded, understanding the guilt he was feeling. I was so familiar with the guilt I had caused him since his return.

"Then we get here and the pain…I didn't know this kind of pain could exist. I thought I had felt the very worst of it before, when I left you in the woods." He paused and took a shaky breath, "But when he wrapped his arms around you, so casually, like to him it was just an everyday luxury-" He shook his head, still studying his hands. "Then he kissed you. He kissed you and you let him."

I felt hot heat fill my cheeks and opened my mouth to protest.

Edward interrupted, holding his palm out toward me. "No, please. Please let me finish. I need to get this out."

I nodded slowly, motioning with my hand for him to continue.

"Of course I'm not complaining, Bella. I would have no right to. I gave you no options, I know that. It makes perfect sense for you to have ended up with him. I would have chosen him for you myself had it been between him and Mike Newton." He let out a short, barking laugh. It held no humor.

"But it felt like it would kill me nonetheless. Then, that first night in your room, you were wild. I came to you because you had appeared so calm. I had to see you. I had to know if you were really as unaffected as you seemed. Then you saw me, really saw me. I was completely caught off guard. You always surprise me and I had no idea you were capable of such a reaction. It was the first confirmation I had that I really should hate myself."

"Edward." I breathed, simultaneously shocked and humiliated at the reference to my breakdown in his arms.

"No. You reacted how you should have. I was a fool to have thought that you would have been as unaffected as you acted. Later, when you came to the house, you wanted me to be angry. And I let myself. I let myself feel furious with you. I couldn't help but feel betrayed somehow." He rushed to look at me then. "I know that isn't fair. I couldn't help it. I kept wondering how you could have moved on so quickly, when I mourned you so desperately."

My eyes widened at his words and I felt my mouth go dry. He couldn't be saying…

"I had no right to say those things to you." He murmured quietly. We gazed at each other for several moments, not saying anything, just letting his words sit between us.

"Edward, what are you trying to say?" I finally whispered.

He ripped his gaze from mine and continued in his perfect voice, ignoring my question. "When you said that you loved him that night, it felt like I would never be happy again. I begged Alice to scan for your future, praying she could somehow see you. I begged Jasper to do something, anything to relieve the pain. He could only do so much. It's obvious how much my pain affects him, you remember."

I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth. That night they arrived. Jasper had acted so weird, coughing and refusing to leave the group. I had thought it was due to his thirst, but it was Edward. It was Edward's misery he was suffering through. My stomach plummeted to my feet.

Edward continued, unaware of my sudden epiphany. "I spent a lot of time in the woods that week, searching for Victoria. I was desperate for an escape. I wanted to leave, leave you to be happy like I intended the first time." His lip quirked up in a joyless half-smile. "Of course I didn't find her. I stayed as far away from Charlie's house as I could manage, not wanting to risk overhearing you and Jacob again."

"I am sorry you heard that." I said interrupted softly. "I would have never said those things had I known you were out there. I'm actually really embarrassed." I admitted.

"Don't be, Bella. I shouldn't have been listening." He conceded. I just nodded and he took that as his cue to continue.

"I left that week to go on a hunt with Jasper, trying to escape some of my emotions. It didn't really help. If anything I just felt more drawn back to Forks. The further away we went, the worse it got for me, so we returned early. Alice had invited you to the house." His eyes flashed at the memory. "Like she didn't know how hard things had been."

He met my eyes. "I meant what I said that day. You were and always will be a welcome guest in my family's home, but that didn't make it any easier seeing you there. But how could I deny them that, when I know what it did to them when I asked them to leave you here? She won't ever forgive me for the time she lost with you. Alice." He shook his head again slowly, dragging a hand through his copper locks.

"You had to leave to be happy." I shrugged, much more nonchalant than was appropriate for the situation. I picked at a piece of fuzz on my blanket.

Edward scoffed harshly and continued. "When you joined me that night on the piano bench…I've never felt that kind of hope before. It was foolish, but I couldn't help but think that maybe things could go back to how they were, before I left. It felt so right for you to be there, sitting next to me as I played your favorite song."

My heart thumped loudly in my chest. He had felt it too.

"It would have been so easy for me to reach out and touch you in that moment. I wanted to. I wanted to hold your hand and plead with you to understand what I had done. I wanted to tell you everything. But then I smelled you. I could smell the wine in your blood and I knew that it hadn't really been you to come find me." He paused before continuing in a smaller voice. "When I took you home that night I felt so defeated. The worst part is that it was my fault. It was my fault that I couldn't touch you. My fault that I didn't have the right."

"That night with Jacob…he mentioned that you talked."

Edward scoffed. "Sure."

"What did you talk about?"

"Jacob…well, he voiced his concerns pretty clearly." The half-smile was back, though his eyes were not amused.

I groaned. "What does that mean?"

"Jacob is territorial by nature, Bella."

"Did he threaten you?" I asked affronted.

Edward threw his head back and laughed outright. "Can you blame him? His girlfriend being brought home drunk, by an ex-boyfriend, no less. It is quite scandalous, Bella."

I felt my cheeks flame at the idea of a confrontation between Jacob and Edward. Over me.

The humor was gone from his voice as fast as it came. "I tried to stay away then. I wanted you to be happy, even if it was with him. But I let Alice convince me that the noble thing to do would be to contribute to guarding the house. Not like she really had to convince me much. It was taking everything in my power to stay away from here and I failed." He let his words hang there for a moment and shot me a nervous glance.

I composed my face as best as possible, hoping to mimic his expressionless mask, though I knew my unsteady heartbeat gave me away.

"I knew then that I would never be able to stay away. Even as you grew old with him, I'd be there in the shadows. I wouldn't be able to leave you again."

A shiver ran down my spine at the thought. Edward, in his perfect frozen state, watching me as I married Jacob and had his children. My heart broke at the idea of him living on the sidelines of the rest of my life.

"When you invited me to talk, I was so hesitant, clinging desperately to the pathetic promise I'd made you. But how could I deny you anything after everything I'd done?"

I rushed to stop him before he could continue talking about that night. "Edward, we don't have to talk about that." The night I bared my soul to him and showed him how deep my pain ran. I couldn't bear to think of it again.

"Yes we do. You need to understand, Bella." I gulped loudly at the intensity of his gaze that he fixed to my face. "That night was the night that I realized exactly how thoroughly you had believed me. You believed it to your core, my lie. How?" He shook his head disgusted.

"Bella. You need to be certain of one thing," His expression turned earnest. "You are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on. I am the exact opposite of repulsed by you."

I felt my jaw drop open. "But you never wanted to-" I sputtered madly.

Edward sighed and pulled tightly on his hair again. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to deny you? How hard it was to refuse you when you were so willing and so eager. I could have taken you so many times, in so many ways. I wanted to. God, how I wanted to. But I couldn't take advantage of you like that."

A wave of heat flashed through my body at his words. It felt like a dream. He was saying everything I had dreamed of him saying since he left that day in the woods and I couldn't believe any of it.

"Your safety is the most important thing in my life. I would never had touched you without knowing for sure that it was safe."

I shook my head furiously. "I know what I saw. You were disgusted with me that night."

"No, not with you. I was disgusted that because of me someone else got to have you that way, Bella. The idea of his hands on you…it's unbearable." He grimaced even saying it.

My mind felt heavy and very muddled as I finally worked up the nerve to ask him. "What are you trying to say, Edward?"

"I lied to you, Bella." His eyes held mine and I felt like I could drown in them.

I felt myself getting flustered and antsy. My palms began to sweat and my neck felt hot. Heat spread throughout my chest and my hands began to shake.

I knew then what he had lied about. I had to hear it. He had to say it out loud.

"Lied about what?" I asked darkly.

Edward looked ashamed. "You have to know that I was only trying to protect you."

"Say it." My voice was a low, dangerous demand.

"I lied about everything, Bella. Everything I said in the woods was untrue. The truth is that I'm not good enough for you. The truth is that I lied and that I want you more than I've wanted anything in my existence. I love you."

My mind shut down and all I could focus on was the white hot rage that rushed through my veins.

"What?" I gritted out through my clenched jaw.