Hack the Third

Disclaimer: Just own I'm-A-Whale, Nastelena, Raeynne, and the plot-devices masquerading as dragons. The hack belongs to Random Little Writer. OOH. Brownie points to anyone who catches the Rent reference (La Vie Boheme's the song) .

"Please, don't put me with him. Please don't put me with him. Please don't put me with him," was the muttered prayer of both Eragon and Murtagh as Orik began to read the hack chapter after saying, "They don't put scenes in hacks, so I don't care."

Well. After reading the other two hack chapters I decided to add one of my own. As you can tell I am not Eragon Ridher, that pervert of a girl. I can't wait to see her face when she realizes her account has once again been taken over. It's been done twice and is kind of boring, but I'll stop babbling and get on with the hacking.

The prayer continued.

The stupid Mary Sue, Estelena (I don't care if I spelled it wrong)…

"Since she can't spell any of ours," Nasuada mumbled.

…was still smirking down at the body of the king of Surda. She was still horrified at what had happened the previous night, but the poor young man she had under her wicked spell would forgive her, wouldn't he?

"If she means me, I certainly won't," Eragon said.

Wrong.

"Right!" Eragon yelled. "I mean, 'Wrong.'" I mean, 'I agree.'" Or disagree. Or…oh forget it."

"Are you quite done?" Galbatorix asked him. Eragon nodded. "Continue," the mad king said to Orik.

The moment that Eragon came in and saw the body, his thoughts drifted to Estelena. He smacked her across the face, and the wretched Sue fell to the floor with an ear piercing shriek.

"Ah, just thinking about that feels good," Eragon said dreamily.

"I just hope that I get to do the same thing to Amowiel," Murtagh said.

"As do I," Nasuada said. The name Nadudi was clearly still in her head.

"I personally want to slap the shit out of them both," Arya said.

Everyone gaped at her.

Did Arya just curse? She hasn't done that since you messed up with Elva, Saphira exclaimed.

Saphira! Eragon yelled, clearly not happy to be reminded of this.

"Yes, I did just curse, and I don't particularly care. No matter what I do, I will still be more dignified than those…those…oh screw it…bitches," Arya said.

"Personally, I think that she's pushing it," Murtagh muttered causing Nasuada, Trianna, and Katrina to giggle.

"Are you quite done?" Galbatorix and Arya both said at the same time. The elf and the rider glanced at each other in horror and then looked away. "Continue," they both said at the same time.

"Stop copying!" Galbatorix yelled.

"I was not copying you. This story just has us on the same train of thought," Arya protested. "Oh no," she said.

Galbatorix looked slightly disturbed.

"So, the elf's disturbed, and so is the king. Akh Gûnteraz Dorzada, I never thought I'd see the day," Orik mumbled as he continued.

"You've killed him, haven't you?" he shouted in her ugly face.
"But he forced me to have an affair with him!"

"I most certainly did not," Orrin protested.

"Your majesty, we know that you didn't," Nasuada said.

"Just as we know that I never had an older sister and that I never cast a spell to make everyone forget her," Arya said.

"And I never had a daughter with said sister, much less two," Galbatorix added.

"And my name has an h," Murtagh added.

"And my name begins with an N," Nasuada put in.

"And dwarves are not stupid," Orik added.

"And I am not a hussy," Trianna stated.

"And none of us would ever do what we've done to the things," Eragon added.

"And that the scenes are ridiculous," Katrina spoke up.

"And that I am not monosyllabic. I am very persuasive," Roran finished.

"I know you are," Katrina said, raising an eyebrow.

"If you're going to do that, please, get a room," Murtagh said. "We don't need to be anymore disturbed than we already are."

"In that case, I'll resume reading voluntarily," Orik said.

"Who cares? You had an affair, killed him, and I hate you. By the way, I'm dumping you for Trianna. She's hotter than you, and better than you. You should just die."

Both Trianna and Eragon had unreadable expressions on their faces.

"Well, you're definitely prettier than she's been described," Eragon offered. "I mean, you hair and eyes stay the same color, your skin tone stays the same color, and you're not…like…it is."

"You're alright too," she said.

Eragon blushed, and Trianna laughed.

Arya mumbled something that sounded like, "Thank you. He's finally over me."

"As much as I hate to interrupt this romantic little interlude, I am eagerly waiting to hear of the destruction of these things who claim to be related to me," Galbatorix said, putting supreme sardonic emphasis on the word hate.

"But I love you! And you love me! And Trianna's a--"

"Let me guess," Trianna said. "It's slut, whore, or hussy. Possibly even prudish hussy or hussy prude."

"No, that last one is a title reserved only for me, wonderfully horrible contradiction that it is," Nasuada said.

"Argetlam simply throws her in the river before she can finish the sentence. She drowns," Orik said.

"Thanks for the spoiler," Angela said.

"How do you know…?" Trianna began.

"You're not the only Mary Sue expert around here," Angela said.

I taught her everything she knows about them, Solembum said smugly.

"Oh, shut up, your arrogant werecat," Angela said.

You first, superstitious witch, Solembum shot back.

"I asked you first, you infinitesimal feline," Angela volleyed.

This continued for about five minutes, much to Galbatorix's annoyance, everyone else's confusion, and Angela and Solembum's apparent amusement.

"Will you stop using grandiose terminology, and let the dwarf finish his chapter?" Galbatoirx shouted.

"I would definitely call that grandiose terminology," Angela remarked.

I would definitely take a leaf out of the herbalist's and the werecat's books. They know how to annoy him and live, Thorn told Murtagh.

The scary thing is, I actually agree with you, Murtagh said.

Had to happen sometime, Thorn said smugly.

"Anyway!" Orik shouted.

"SHUT UP!" Eragon bellowed at her, and he tossed the wretched pervo out the window. She promptly fell into a river and drowned.

"I've never felt so satisfied to kill somebody," Eragon said, happy smile on his face.

"Just let me kill Amowiel. Just let me kill Amowiel," Murtagh mumbled.

"Murtagh," Nasuada chided, "you have to refer to her as I'm-A-Whale now. Remember?"
"Of course," Murtagh said, smacking himself on the head. "How could I forget?"

"And here's your dream part, lad," Orik growled.
Somewhere, Amowiel, the other idiotic Sue, was crying. She had just heard of her sister's death. She should have never let her stay with Eragon. Amowiel, being the rather stupid sister she was, had let Estelena die. That's lovely. Now let's move on to the good part because I'm getting hand cramps from typing all this angsty crap.

Angst? Saphira asked. I see no angst.

Nor do I, Thorn asked.
"Does anyone see angst?" Roran shouted. Nobody raised his or her hand.

"I didn't they that anyone would, Stronghammer," Orik said. He'd decided to let the loud-voiced one talk over the dragons.

"Good God, will you shut your stupid mouth?" Murtagh growled.

"Finally!" Murtagh crowed. "I said something that I would say."

"So he's an ignorant killer?" Orik asked Galbatoirx. "My, oh my, your servants have fine children."

"Orik," Nasuada snapped.

"This hack will make him very happy," Orik said. "I feel justified in saying what I wish to say."

"What?" Amowiel rsponded. Seeing as she was too retarded and idiotic to help her sister live, she's also too idiotic to realize that Murtagh hated her dumb Sue guts.
"You heard me! All your stupid crying and whining about your dumb sister are so annoying. No one cared about that pervert, Estelena the ugly. Not even Eragon. So shut up about her!" Murtagh replied angrily.
"Murty, why are you being so--"
"Stop calling me Murty, you annoying wench!" shouted Murtagh, and he shoved Zar'roc into the retarded girl's heart. Finally, he was free of the stupid brat. Her body was promptly shoved out the window.

"Yes!" everyone yelled. "They're both dead."

"I'll see if there's any ale in here," Orik yelled, dropping the pink abomination on his seat and running to the ice box.

"There isn't any," Orrin said.

"And why not?" Orik asked.

"You know, this is just a hack," Trianna remarked. "The real—dare I call her—writer will be back in a chapter."

"Well, then, we'll need ale for that too," Murtagh said.

"At last we agree on something!" Orik exclaimed.

"Getting drunk would create new problems," Nasuada put in.

"And interesting situations," Murtagh added.

Eragon's and Orrin's eyes widened at the same time, and trust me, it was not a happy eye-widening.

"That it could," Nasuada said.

The eye-widening increased and got even less happy.

"I was just joking," Murtagh said. Nasuada nodded in agreement. Nobody was buying. Especially not Arya.

"Was not," the elf mumbled.

"You're in jail, if I may remind," Murtagh told her.

"You'll be laid next chapter," Arya said with a snort. Murtagh glared at her, and Orik decided to stop his futile search for wine and beer and continue reading.

Somewhere else, the third retard, Raeyenne (I also don't care if I spelled her name wrong) was also crying her pathetic eyes out. Her two best friends were dead, and they'd been killed by their very own lovers. Or, should I say, victims of the horror of Mary Sue seduction.

"Victims of the horror of Mary Sue seduction," Eragon and Murtagh said at the same time.

She was sitting by a convieniently placed river, the same one that Estelena the freak drowned in.
Little did she know, Roran was behind her, holding his hammer over her head...
Apparently her hair could sense danger, because she turned around, still crying a bit. "Rory-boo, what are you--"
The hammer collided with Demonoid Mary Sue #3's head, knocking her out. She fell into the river.

"Well, at least the hammer did some good," Roran said.

"It saved a village," Katrina told him, putting a hand on his arm.

"Thanks," Roran said, resting his hand on top of hers. The three people sitting in between coughed loudly. It didn't worked, so all three gave a cough that would make Dolores Umbridge proud.

Yeah, it was short, and it sucked at the end, but I hope it was enough to end the agony that the three abominations have brought upon Alagaesia. So, flame away, whether it be for Eragon Ridher or for me. I should really videotape her reaction...anyway, in the words of the other two hackers, "It's not my story so I don't care."

"And Eragon Ridher should not care about her story either," Angela declared as Orik passed the book to Murtagh. Poor 'Tagh. He didn't have a lovely hack awaiting him. Oh no. He had to put up with ….Hissy Fit the Third and Oromis Training.

Wow. I'm updating fast. Sorry if it doesn't last. LOL. That rhymed.

AppaAndMomoForever: Thanks. Yeah, I don't think that many people like Mary Sues. I do love Murtagh too.

Bananasrokk: I'm glad that I'm giving somebody a way to relieve stress. Having the characters react helps me relieve stress too.

Fallen-Yuki: Stupid ass? What an appropriate name. I have to agree with you when you say that the names aren't of great importance. I did have to think long and hard to come up with them though because they had to be perfect, as is everything else about Mary Sues. Plus I have to remember them for the story.

Cheesey Goodness: I know what you mean. Some people just won't take the hint. Of course, where would this story be if she did? Done, I tell you.

Sunkistgurl10: I actually came up with some ideas on how to make this character less of a Sue. I might try it later on when I have less fics to write. Funny. I can't sing to save my life either. Still do, but just when no one can hear me. Glad that you liked the chapter.

Brix: LOL. No slash in this one. Just Sue death. By canon, I suppose. As for the book-burning, it's a much anticipated event.

Stripysockz: Aw. It's fine. You can send me another one if you wish. I just had to do the songs. It's such a Sue thing, you know. It is getting heated between M and N. It's quite fun. Eragon and Trianna were forced into the open this chapter. LOL. As for the flames, do whatever you want. I don't care.

Mariano's-girl: Thanks. I don't know how long it'll be. And, yes, there will most likely be pairings by the end.

Kitty and Amethyst: If you think that your next hack'll be better, just send it to me. I'll use that one instead the next time I have a hack contest. Oh, and meerkats are so awesome. Go, Timone!

Izumi-17: Ah. It is cute, I suppose. Go, multilingual-ness. I just made up a word, didn't I? Oh well. Yeah, the song does make a difference. I also think that I've gotten a bit of a muse back.

WWMTgir: Don't worry. No slash in this chapter.

QueenOfTheUnknown: I won't tell anyone. LOL. I'm glad that you liked that part. Sorry that she didn't respond this chapter. ESLUTlena is pretty good. I don't think that anyone can beat Nastelena, so don't feel bad. That was a good one. I think that Bananasrokk came up with that one.

Ailan: All true. I'm glad that you love it anyway. I'll probably do both of those things.

Mimster789: That's where the lack of logic comes in. I absolutely had to have them sing. It's an almost essential part of every "good" Mary Sue fic.

Azulcat: That's okay. Don't worry. The spelling and grammar will go done hill again. I think that the whole "copying-lyrics-from-google" thing helped it. There wasn't much to misspell last chapter. That's the secret. It'll go back down hill next chapter.

JzHill: I'm just good like that. LOL. Glad you liked it.

Penguin With A Purpose: All so true. That's what Eragon Ridher a good Suethor. Or a bad one. Whichever you prefer.

Twilight Kumorichi: Thanks. I'm glad that you liked that part.

Beowulf-Cryptic: LOL. Glad that Eragon Ridher's illiteracy isn't a problem.

Invaderem: LOL. Sorry if your family thinks that you're weird. Did this hack scare you? No slash this time.

MissMonkey91: LOL. I'm glad that you like Murtagh. He is quite fun.

Rock Not War: I hope that you liked it. If there's anything wrong with it, it's the hacker's fault, and they shall hang for it. LOL. JK, Random Little Writer.

LadyLapisLazuli: Yeah, if this were real, that would be pretty sad. Well, actually it would just be plain tragic.

BobMcBobinton: Ugh. Amber. Humble peasant cliché. Poor you. Anyway, which one had thick eyelashes as a flaw? Don't worry. I don't think that you're insane. I did for a while, but I don't now.

Fredsonetrueluv: Hey, I have the worst luck with getting songs stuck in my head. I had Gold Digger stuck in my head a few days ago, and it had been months since I'd last heard it. LOL about your response.

Dodogrrl: LOL. Poor Trianna. Such a raunchy journal entry. Ooh. Sorry about the flu. Harry Potter is my life. Have you heard the idea that Snape heard the whole prophecy? It goes like this. Trelawney says that she was rudely interrupted by Professor Snape during her interview with Dumbledore. Now, Trelawney can't remember anything about what happened while she was giving the prophecy after she's done giving it, but she knew that Snape interrupted her. So, that would mean that Snape was either caught eavesdropping before or after the prophecy was told. Voldemort heard the first half, so Snape must have been caught after it was done. That means that Snape set Voldemort up to try and kill Harry who was said to be dangerous to Voldemort who would mark him as his equal by trying to kill him in the second half of the prophecy. This is the real reason that Snape trusts Dumbledore. Did you already hear that one? Its' part of the whole Snape-is-good thing. I'll stop rambling now. Tart is a lovely word by the way.

Du Sundavar Brisingr: Yeah, it's the elf thing. They're immortal, which can have its drawbacks if you think about it. CP should stress those sometimes. Sadly, people would probably report if they'd slept with her. She's an elf. It's part of shallowness.

Prettybella: Thanks. I'm glad that you liked the songs.

ANGEL-OF-DEATH6: They will at the end most likely. As for the song, who says that this is logical?

Krissy: Thanks. Sorry about that. The story is disturbing them a lot as it would anybody.

Anda Faith: I'm working on it. That would be interesting if I did. I've used a lot by now, I know.

DaggerPen: Yeah, I think that this qualifies for your three-chapter make up, no? Wow. You actually found all of my misspellings of Nasauda's name? Good job.

Ketaki Song: I think that Abby used that line already. Or something like it. Don't feel bad. Sueness gets to everybody.

Random Little Writer: Thanks. I hope that you liked my reactions to your hack.

Ladyaymie: Really? Thanks. I try to make them funny every time. The singing thing came to me kinda randomly.