Here's the long awaited, big chapter of 'Alone'…
Chapter 13
Picture Perfect
They never told you that when you die
November, 25, 2009
Take
The horror still makes me shake, knowing that I'd killed my mother, even if it's just a nightmare—the reality….
It's so real.
The blood. The screams. The glass.
So real.
It thuds through my heart every time I take a breath; it makes me break every time I try to ignore the world around me, and as Randy takes my hands and helps me dress and this time, the thoughts that are in my head, of blood and violence, makes distracted and I don't notice Randy's touches and I barely notice his hot breath against my cold skin.
"Ted?" he asks me, holding onto my waist but nothing makes me feel moving and noticing that Randy rubs my cheek, kissing my neck and I still don't dare about it. Part of me is just happy that someone loves me. Part of me is just happy that someone cares about me. After I've seen myself, kill the person, batter flesh and soak blood.
It's painful.
It's so painful to watch.
It's so painful to remember.
My stomach wrenches and I feel Randy's lips go to my ear, "Teddy? Did I scare you? Did I—?"
"Leave me alone!" I scream suddenly.
I don't want him to touch me.
And me touching him…
Battering his body with a knife.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot." He says but I'm still numb and emotionless and he takes me into his arms, tears running down my face.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry… I didn't mean to kill her…"
Randy's body turns rigid as he lifts my head and looks into my eyes. Completely. Looking for a person. Looking for what's wrong. "Kill her?"
I nod my head, sorrowfully. "Melanie. My mother."
"You didn't do anything, Teddy. It's just your mind messing with you again," he promises as he squeezes me, giving me a hug and taking me out to the hotel room, putting me on the bed and kissing my forehead. "Do you need anything, Ted? Do you need me to call your doctor?"
"Get out of here, Randy. I'm going to hurt you!"
I'm so scared. I'm too scared. I can't think. I can't breathe. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to get mangled because of my sudden loss of thoughts. I shut the door behind him and let the tears fall.
I'm just so very scared for him.
I might mangle him.
I might destroy him.
I hit my head to the wall. Once. Twice. Three times. To let the blood trickle and drip from my head.
And then I fall down onto the floor.
Blood.
It's pouring out of my head.
It's suffocating me.
I feel myself, lapsing from reality to unconsciousness, and then there are two hands shaking me awake. Randy? Cody? My head couldn't process the colors as I slip in and out of reality, it's just too confusing.
I watch as Randy's hand snakes up to my cheek, caressing it.
"Ted. Please, stop hurting yourself."
"Can't."
"Why not?"
It's the truth that spikes out of my mouth. "I'm not dead yet."
"Oh, Ted," he takes me into his arms, pressing my body against his, and this time, I do care because I start shaking and my head's all confused. I don't want to be a killer and I have a big feeling that I will be one. A ruthless, insane killer.
The images were so real.
They're still real.
Blood.
Plunging out of their bodies.
Leaving nothing in them at all.
It just plain scares me. I don't want to see it and I don't want to think about it. It's just horrible.
Randy's hand strokes to my back as he kisses my ear. "Why'd I let this happen to you, Ted?" It's not his fault that my brain is screwed.
It's just my fault.
I could've stopped Richards, couldn't I?
Or was I too scared?
I don't remember.
I feel his hand press against my cheek as he carries me and I know we're outside but I don't know where we're heading. He kisses my nose and presses my face against his chest, making me smell the scent of his body, sweet, very sweet, with a tough edge and even though I'm suffocating in his scent, I don't move.
I don't want to look at anything anymore.
There's just nothing to look up to.
When he takes me inside of his place, I instantly know it's his house. The scent—it's too familiar. He lies me down onto the couch and rubs his hand on a side of my head. I feel sleepy and pained. It just hurts. Every electrode of my body's pulsing pain into me and I don't know how to stop it.
I touch his face and he moves away.
I stare in confusion but I realize what's going on. He's heard Alanna scream. It's the first time I've ever really seen the girl. It's since the divorce two months ago where Randy caught her cheating on him. He's allowed to have her whenever he's come back to St. Louis, Missouri, and he's always called in advance to let her know.
I watch as he takes the baby in his arms, cradling the little child in his arms, and then rubbing his hand through that little patch of hair she has. "This is Alanna?" my voice slips out.
"Yes. I brought you here because I wanted to get—"realization seems to seep inside of Randy, as he stares at me. "How am I going to carry you and Alanna?" he says the question aloud.
"I don't need to be carried everywhere I go, Ran," I tell him, trying to stand up and fall back down onto the couch. I feel so very disabled. People can at least stand up. I can't without Cody and Randy around me as a support to help me around. I want to get better…I need to go back to Richards. Cure myself.
I don't think any other doctor knows what's wrong with me.
I know Richards is a psycho but for a price, he might give me back my stolen identity. Because I don't seem to know who I really am anymore. It's like I'm not anyone at all, just a plain solid piece of nothing ready to die.
It's always seemed to be that way.
He presses Alanna to his chest and she stares at me, giving that beautiful laugh of hers as her hands go up to Randy's chest. "Do you want to hold her, Ted?"
I'm scared.
What if I kill her… or—?
But the look on Randy's face is almost confident as he slips the child into my lap and all that's inside of me is fear. What if I hurt her? Randy will never forgive me. I will never forgive me.
I can't hurt a child.
I close my eyes as Randy sits beside me and tells me to bring her closer to me. But the closer I bring her just makes me shake even harder as I bring the child close to me, swallowing and staring, I'm terrified…I really am very terrified…
She's just a child. I can't hurt her!
It's the flashes that get to me the most.
Blood.
Horror.
Violence.
Flashes of blue and white spitting out.
Black coated.
Pure horror.
Knife slashing through child.
Laughter. My laughter.
It's all so painful as it strikes inside of my head. Randy stands next to me, terror in his eyes, horrid faced.
And even if it's not real…it's…
Horrible to look at.
Even think about.
And I don't notice as I let the child slip off my hands, hitting her head onto the floor, letting out a horrible scream.
I think that's scarred me inside the most.
Randy rushes to her instantly and stares at me, glaring at me with cold eyes. I've never seen him this angry before. It's like I'm suddenly Triple H or John Cena instead of Ted and he slaps me.
Hard.
It stings.
It hurts.
I stare.
I lie to myself and tell me it means that he likes me. Lies are trying to cover the acidity of my truth.
Voices.
'He likes you…doesn't he?'
It's sweet and smooth. It's Randy's.
'I like you, don't I? I just want the best for you. So why wouldn't I hit you? I hit you and you realize how much love hurts, baby.'
It hurts to listen to this.
It just scares me.
"Ted?"
"Yeah?"
"…get out of my house."
I stare at him.
He's never told me that.
He just can't understand how much my head swirls around those thoughts, how my illusions just spit into my head, acid and horror and I don't want him to know that. I don't want either too much pity for me.
I need him to be Randy around me.
I need to feel like Ted around him.
I'm letting him hurt me—so I can feel normal again. I don't need special treatment from anyone. It just makes me fall all empty inside.
'Why empty? I love you.'
My head spins and swirls. It sounds so much like Randy. I stare down at the floor and walk away, feeling my body twist in pain with every step and I just have to hold onto something. I need support. I need someone there and in the middle of my way back to the hotel, I'd gotten a headache that's made my day horrid because it just keeps on nagging me. I hold onto the pole, falling down onto the floor and I'm so breathless.
I stand up after a while from the stares I'm getting.
Hopeless, helpless Ted.
Eventually, it's been five hours before I can go back to the hotel. It's turned all black outside and all that's left of me is burning pain as I collapse onto my bed. I've never been so tired in my life. I'm sweaty and red. I'm so out of breath that the next breath I skip feels like the last one.
It's so horrifying.
I just stare down onto the floor, until Cody comes back. "Ted?" he asks me, confused to why I'm here alone. "Randy said that he was going to take you out. Were you here this entire time, Cody?"
"N-no…"
"Do you need any help?" he asks, sitting down towards me, kissing my forehead.
I simply stare at him and bury my head to the bed, feeling the cotton on my face. "Do you need help?"
I look up at him and my body shakes and twists. "I need to be alone," I whisper as soft as I could've and he kisses my forehead again before he walks out of the room.
I'm finally alone.
I hate being alone.
You may die with regrets.
They never told you that when you look out
November, 26, 2009
A
I'm back into this place.
My memories…?
It's so real.
It's so very real.
The sound of my alarm clock buzzing, the scent of ocean and air and sun, the sweet color of my room (all painted blue to fit in with the ocean/air/sun scent combination in the air) as I stand up and stretch and knowing that I can stand up means that I'm younger around here. I am truly young.
Twelve years old.
I don't remember anything that's under the age of sixteen when my entire life just spins around but I have a tugging feeling inside of me that's telling me that even when I had been young, my life had spun out of control.
I sit down onto the breakfast table and look at the food. Even if I know this is a memory. It's almost as if I don't feel like eating as I look up at my father. I see as my father sits down beside me. It's rare that he comes around for us as I grab onto the spoon and I'm ready to take a bite but I let the spoon fall back down.
"Hello, Theodore," he calls me.
This is one of those times I hated being called Theodore.
I stare at the food with no need or lust as I push the bowl away and look at him, with the softest smile I can give.
My father puts a hand on my shoulder, 'you saw your old man's match?"
I quickly nod my head. "Y-yes," I stutter as I take a bite of the food as if it's to avoid the conversation before staring at him, staring so very silently at him while chewing the tasteless food.
"Theodore?"
"Yes?"
"Stop acting like a child and stop playing around with your food." My stomach's sloshing acid and pain and agony and it just hurts.
"Stop bossing me around."
I hate people like that.
But I guess these are the people I love the most.
My father. And Randy.
It's just confusing.
I've always had people that try to control me because I know that I can't control myself. I know that I'm so out of control that I need someone to control me.
I need someone to control my head and my body all at once.
I'd do anything for control.
"Are you going around anywhere?"
I nod my head. "Yeah, today I'm out with Cody today."
With Cody, I spend around a few hours riding our bikes and when Cody had said that he wanted to go to the park, I say no and walk back to the house. I find out that the door is locked so I go through the window but I wonder what's been keeping my father so busy that he hadn't heard the door open.
I walk towards the kitchen and I stare, horrified.
My father's kissing…a man?
And he'd kicked me out for being gay when he was gay himself?
My body twists horribly. Acid knots in my stomach as I run towards the door and open it, shutting it behind me and look down at the floor. I just can't believe what I've seen. I've been rejected and kicked out of my house at sixteen for being gay by my father himself just because he doesn't want his wife to know it.
I feel as if that's it.
It's running in my blood.
I feel sick on the inside.
I feel like every electrode of my brain's hurting me.
My eyes pop open as I look around and my heart thuds. "Randy?" I echo through the room, suddenly scared.
So very scared.
"Cody?"
No one.
I really am alone.
And it's scaring me.
I open the door and feel oxygen purging out of my lungs, squeezing and burning oxygen out of me as I fall down onto the floor. It's become too tiring to move knowing that I'm all alone. I find Randy walking inside of the room and leaning down towards me. Happiness just purges through me.
"Get your stuff out of my room."
The way he says those words, it's so out of disgust.
I stare at him. And then I remember that I've hurt his daughter. "Is she okay?" I whisper, almost scared.
"She has a skull fracture!"
I stare at him, as if waiting to tell me the truth but I can see it from his eyes that that had been the truth.
"Because of you, she won't be able to function normally!"
He slaps me again and my shoulders are shaking from horror and agony and I can't understand how a child can get hurt that way but then I remember how fragile a child's skull is…it scares me on the inside knowing that I'm the cause of her injury. That I've hurt her so much.
It just hurts.
"Just k-k-kill me," I whisper and as he grabs onto my hand and pulls me to his nose, those words that he says hurt me.
"I'm tempted."
I stare at him.
Would my Randy actually say that…?
It hurts knowing that he wants me dead.
Just hurts so much.
Can turn black and white.
They never told you that sometimes colors
November, 27, 2009
Breath
All the colors in the world.
Faded.
Had gone into nothing.
Black.
Rotten.
Faded so violently.
I'm left with nothing.
The moment that Cody had walked inside. I say the words I want to say this entire time. "I want to run away," I say and the taste of tears and faded red falls around.
Red (love).
Fades.
Blue (calm).
Fades.
Green (life).
Fades.
Yellow (happiness).
Fades.
Purple (joy).
Fades.
Orange (passion).
Fades.
White (purity).
Fades.
Pink (softness).
Fades.
"Ted," Cody started, with an awed expression on his face. "You can't run away…"
"Please, Cody." I said. "I need to go. I need to run off. I can't stay here anymore. If you're not doing it with me, I'm going alone."
Cody swallowed once, staring at me, 'I can't leave here, Ted."
"I will."
Before he can respond, I try to stand up and I fall down onto the floor, head dizzy and he shakes his head. He's known that I can't go past the door to go alone. This had been all part of his plot.
He stares down at me.
"You need anything, Ted?"
I need so many things.
I need Cody to tell me that he'll come with me. Run off. But I shake my head again as I go towards the bed and lay on it, feeling myself calming down, feeling tired and puffy eyed. I fall asleep before Cody comes back and shakes my shoulder; I open my eyes to find that he had gotten me some food.
"Cody, I don't need special treatment." I whisper. "I need Randy. You heard about Alanna?"
"It's not your fault, Ted. You know that. Randy won't be mad at you for long. He'll come around eventually."
"I gave her a skull fracture, Cody," it still scares me, hearing it, knowing it's true just by staring at those eyes of his, knowing that I've hurt a child in ways I didn't think was possible. It's just so scary.
"A skull fracture?"
"I let her fall out of my hands…it just—I was—I deserved a piece of Randy's mind. He's hurt. He's so hurt because of my mistake. I really don't care if he kills me…"
"Don't say that. Randy's just upset. He'll get over it. From what I heard, she's doing fine," Cody insists and I love that he's so optimistic because of all those fantasy stories and comic books that he's been reading but there's a feeling inside of me that keeps on nagging me. Even from that faint blue hint of his turquoise eyes, I can see that there's sadness. As if he knows that this isn't going to turn out well in the end.
When Cody's gone, I do what I want to do.
I try standing up and walking around without holding onto anything.
I've scraped metal on my skin, bleeding and exhausted. Completely drenched with sweat. I couldn't believe that I had been a wrestler before. I just can't. I can't believe that I might never step into the ring again.
And how I want to step in the ring.
At 2:49 in the morning, I had learned how to walk.
Drenched with sweat and exhaustion, glee attacks my body as I look out into the window. I'll show them. I'll show them that I can run away if I want to. I can control my body, can't I?
A part of me still doesn't think so.
Just fade.
This fire burns inside
November, 28, 2009
And
I run off.
It's still night and I run off.
I fall down onto the floor and feel the pain ripping through me harshly but I don't care. I need to find Richards. I need to be fixed. I let the pain burn through my flesh and body and I find myself sigh. Any type of success just has to burn and fade away, didn't it? And now, there's nothing there but a fire that burns inside of me.
Too hard.
Too much of a fire.
I find myself standing up and looking away and then feeling his arms catch onto my arms, and pulling me to him, looking deep into my eyes.
Richards.
"I've been following you around, Teddy… seeing everything," he says as he presses his body against mine, too hard. Too much. He caresses my cheek and my body just turns to Jell-O under the touch.
"Hurt me. Kill me. I don't deserve to live." I say and it hurts. It's so bitter and it's so twisted with pain and agony and desolation.
"Oh, Teddy, we've gone over the edge, haven't we?" Richards asks as he holds onto my hand and takes me to his car, locking the door and getting into the other, staring at me, darkly and then kissing me.
I kiss back.
That's the biggest shock ever.
I don't want to die alone.
I don't want to be alone.
I want someone to hold onto me, take away all the pain—I want someone to show me that they like me…even though they don't because I know they don't. Richards seems to be the only person that doesn't pity me, even if he's sadistic, he's not sorry for me or angry at me. He's just plain used to seeing all of this.
Or maybe he likes taking control of me.
He likes limiting my control of myself.
And I'm in control when I'm around him.
Maybe that's why I kissed him back.
Part of me is just sad…what about Randy? What about Cody? What about Legacy itself? He takes me back home and it's morning. The sun's up and that scent of ocean and air and sun is in the air but I don't want it to be, remembering that horrid nightmare that's supposed to be sweet but it only makes me sickly sweet on the inside.
He lies me down onto bed and looks at me. "You want to be fixed?" he asks me.
I nod my head, burying my face into his chest. "I want to be fixed. I want someone to fix my mistakes because I don't know why the hell I'm alive anymore. It's just too scary to face it all."
"Don't worry. I'll fix you," his voice was dark.
It was hard to believe that he could fix me. Of all people. One who tortured the hell out of me before but I had no other hope. I needed him to help me. In the middle of the night, as he had taken me into his bed, ready to fall asleep with me, ready to fix his little mistake—or at least, that was what I wanted to think.
I needed to hold onto someone.
Cody. I could've. I could've held on—but I didn't want to hold him and Randy down anymore. They were already far behind and I didn't want to put them even more far behind. Besides, I never believed I belonged in Legacy anyways. It seemed better with Cody and Randy only.
Never seemed to be a spot for Ted.
I had always felt that way.
I learned to accept it.
As I snuggle in my sleep, I hear a flash of something from my cell phone and looking at it, with the bright white screen, my heart raced. I stand up and walk towards the bathroom, sitting down onto the toilet seat and looking at the few messages now that there was much more lighting.
6:40
Where are you, Teddy?
(Cody)
I look through the others.
7:30
Ted, I'm serious. Where in Hell's name are you…?
(Cody)
And another few.
8:50
Go jump off a cliff.
(Randy)
My heart thuds in my chest. Did he really just say that? Did my Randy tell me to jump off a cliff? I know he hates me but enough to encourage me to my own death? Does he mean it?
Part of me just knows that he'd never mean it.
Another part of me thinks that he means it.
I text Cody back.
12:40
Does Randy care if I'm gone?
(Ted)
And I shut my phone tight before straddling back to the bed and slipping inside, feeling Randy wrap his arms around me, squeezing the hell out of my little body and it hurts. It hurts all so very much.
I don't think I can handle so much pain.
I have him holding onto my body in his sleep, gripping onto me as tight as ever and I'm trapped.
I've realized I've always been trapped.
And having his breath on my face, it makes my heart thud. And my heart bleeds, over and over, too fast, too rapid, it makes my body ache. And my body aches, and it makes my brain turn into mush.
In the morning, he's still holding onto me.
My eyes are bloodshot and puffy.
I look like CM Punk.
Except I'm more of a mess than Jeff's entangled and horrid paint mess. Except I'm more of a mess than Cody's comic book collection tattered into a horrible muddle. I can't believe how I look like. I can't believe how wrecked and broken I feel and look like. It's just not worth anything anymore having to look into a mirror and seeing a monster.
Confused.
Broken.
Killer.
'You killed me on the inside…'
Randy Orton's voice.
And I know that I think it's worse than actually being killed.
When I feel Richards' hot breath on my face, when I feel the tension in his shoulders, it just makes me think of one thing—it makes me trying to pretend that Richards' breath and movements are Randy's.
I'm still so very trapped.
Too hard.
I feel black
November, 29, 2009
I
I wake up around six o'clock in the morning.
He's still asleep and he's still holding onto me and I let him because I want someone to hold me—even if it makes me feel like I'm trapped in the darkest puzzle and I might never be able to solve it.
He strokes my ear and I look at him as he presses his lips to my forehead. I know why he's so compassionate. He wants to win me over. I'd seen Randy Orton do this to a million people and that stabs me more to think that he might be trying to 'win me over' and stay in Legacy all this time.
It's such a possibility.
It just strikes my head.
How could I be so blind…?
It seems to be the only truth. Because I'm hideous and so distorted and so painful to the eyes. I shouldn't be loved. I should be played with. I should be people's toys. It's what I'm good at the most.
I see Richards as he stands up and walks off and he returns with strap, a thick strap and it makes me wonder what this does but he stares at me and braces it to my wrist without my say so. "Come on, fun time's over now," his voice's as bitter as I remember. At least he doesn't pity me like Cody and Randy.
They look at me as a sorrowful puppy who's lost his way home.
I don't have home…
I don't have any home…
I'm not welcome anywhere. No one really likes me. They feel sorrow for me. Sure but they don't like me. I'm different. I'm a conceited little piece of ass that people find cute sometimes and hot sometimes. I don't know. It's a mixture of that to most people. But to me, I'm too hideous for this world. I'm too unworthy of life.
He takes me downstairs and says, "I'll go get you food."
I sit down onto a piano and look at the keys. Piano. It's not something I've played in a while. I start playing with the keys but stop when I've realized that the tone is saddening. I don't want to be sad.
I have to be happy.
Don't I?
I sit down onto the couch and he brings me a tray of food. They all look so tasteless, so bitter but he puts his hand on my forehead and raises both his eyebrow before he takes my hand and presses it against my forehead.
So hot.
I wonder how my body feels like to Randy. Is the heat too much for him? I must've really scared him out of wanting to touch me this way.
I watch as he places the tray of food on my lap. I stare down. It's a bowl of cereal that I don't know of. I hold onto a spoon and dive right in but when I'm about to eat it, I drop it. This reminds me of that nightmare. I cannot eat this.
He looks at me, with horrid eyes, and he's more of the Richards I've known as he takes the spoon and shoves the cereal down my throat and all I feel is the taste of metal against me as the throbbing head of the spoon runs down my throat and all I do is throw up, violently, knocking down the bowl with me.
I fall onto my knees and look up at him and he wipes away the traces of vomit from my mouth and stares at me, glaring at me. "You just ruin everyone's life, don't you?" he's making me feel weak.
And even though I know I shouldn't surrender, I do anyways.
He reminds me of Randy Orton.
I don't want to be scared of him but I am.
I want to kiss him but at the same time, I don't.
I spend the time on the piano, tapping keys and playing with them until Richards has punched me into the stomach and told me that this had annoyed him for far too much and had pressed his boot against my stomach.
He'd attempted to have me eat lunch and dinner again.
Dinner.
I think it had been some sort of fish. I don't really want to remember. He had taken my hand and put in into the boiling water to teach me a lesson of disrespecting him and trying to avoid eating all over again. I know I've deserved every burning feeling inside of my body. I know I've deserved having him burn me alive.
I know I've deserved to bleed and burn.
When I had gone to bed, he'd made me sleep on the floor for the causes of all the accidents when I had fallen down because I haven't really gotten the concept of walking. Now, having him helping me change had been embarrassing. I suddenly miss Randy's touch and Cody's gentle eyes.
It's like I'll never be with them ever again.
It's like I've lost them all over again.
I want my colors back.
I'm jealous of colors
November, 30, 2009
Try
He gives me a type of therapy.
"I want you to draw."
Colors. Papers. Pencils. Pens. Erasers. Sharpeners. All in front of me on a red desk on my bed as I take one of the colors and twirl them around my fingers. I stare back at the paper and then at the color in my hand.
Blue.
Randy's eyes.
I let it fall onto the desk.
I start to shake as I stare onto the desk, staring onto the colors and the paper. And in moments, I've drawn a picture of me and Randy.
It sucks.
I've never been a good drawer but he says that that doesn't matter and that this is a part of me getting over my anorexic phase.
He only wants me to have enough energy to sleep with me.
I can see it in his eyes.
He wants me…he wants to touch me…he wants to be in me. And it scares me to the bone, thinking that he wants me so bad that he's willing to try to get rid of my anorexic problems and as I smear the crayon across the picture of me.
I just don't belong in this world.
I grip onto the red crayon and the moment I look up at him, having his eyes staring down at my picture, he laughs.
"What the hell is this?"
"A picture."
"You suck at art." He notices.
"Go away."
I don't like hearing it. I know he's right but I just do want him to go away. I want to be alone for a while but no one will let me.
I feel him as he kisses me. Hard.
Sweet.
I taste the honey on his breath. His bitter honey.
He licks his lips. "Do you like me?"
I shake my head.
"Look," he takes the red crayon from my hand, slips it off and he crosses off the picture of Randy I had drawn and my heart tears a little. "He shouldn't exist anymore. Maybe that's what I should program your brain to."
My heart thuds. "You-you can do that?"
"You want to forget about him?" his eyes shine with glee.
I want to forget about his beautiful face.
His gleeful smile.
His perfect teeth.
His pretty eyes.
His seductive smirk.
I don't want to remember that because I'll feel so very broken that I won't have him. I want to get used to this life. Because I deserve this life of torture and pain and suffering and I'll never think otherwise.
I nod my head silently.
He laughs. "Then I'll make a device for it."
He rips the picture to shreds and walks away and now that I'm finally alone, I re-draw the picture.
Of Randy and me. And the cross on me again.
And I bring it to my heart.
That's what I've always felt like.
I let the pain seep through my skin.
It hurts all so much, having to look at the perfection of his face and knowing that I won't be able to touch him, and it hurts, having to kiss Richards and pretend that it's Randy just because I like Randy more and it hurts, having to think about him and breathe for him…it just does.
They're all prettier than me.
How does Jeff see the world in colors?
December, 1, 2009
To
Everything's just too black.
Bitter.
I'm all so bitter.
I'm lost in the shadows of myself.
And nothing's going to change that.
I spend half the day walking around just thinking about that face as I bump into a body and the way the skin feels, as if I've known how it feels before and I look up to see the face of my mother.
My heart races.
I stare into her.
"Sorry."
She says and she wants to move away but I hold onto her hand.
She looks scared because she slaps me, hard, onto my cheek and even though I'm sure she must've forgotten how I looked like or something, I look at her. "Mom?"
"I don't have… Ted?" she suddenly realizes as she stares at me, and touches my face, feeling my skin, and I can see from her eyes, from her crazy solid eyes, that she's high and that she's still on drugs.
My stomach wrenches as I nod my head.
She hugs me. Hard and she kisses onto the side of my face. "Oh, Teddy…I haven't seen you in a while. I was watching wrestling but I didn't see you around anymore… what happened to you, Ted?"
"I have Hep C."
Her eyes widen.
Her face pales.
And she hugs me, hard, sobbing, so close to my ear as she holds onto my body. "I'm sorry…"
"You're a druggie, Mom. You need help."
So much of my childhood memories are painful to see and I've always wanted to say those words, to tell her that she needs help. Even as a child, oblivious to her drug addiction, they always called her sick and I've always wanted her to get help and she always left me alone in the house…
"I'm sorry." She repeats. "I'm so very sorry, Ted."
"Mom," I say, helping her to her feet, making her stand straight as we stare at each other, our eyes so very intact, as my heart thuds deeply in pain and agony and twisted desolation and all I want for her is to understand. "I'm the one who's sorry."
"For what?"
"Being gay. Being kicked out of the house. Causing you pain…"
"Oh, Teddy," she says, gripping onto my shoulders and pulling me close to her, and rubbing her hand on my back, soft and sweet as my eyes are locked into hers, seeing the solid color of her eyes. "You got so thin."
"That's a part of Hep C. Anorexia is a symptom."
"Will we see each other soon?"
"I doubt it."
In four months, I'll probably be dead.
On the floor.
Finally gone.
Finally ready to reunite with the devils in Hell and my father's one of them. I can just feel our envy and evilness had gotten us burned in Hell.
But somewhere, deep inside, I've always been burned.
When all I see is black…
My eyes are bleeding
December, 2, 2009
Draw
It's all painful.
I can walk around as long as I come back later on.
Richards has a chip on me so he knows where I am at all times. I'm controlled now, right? I'm not out of control, right?
But I'm not happy.
Why am I not happy…?
When will I ever be happy?
It's all so painful.
It's all too painful.
Spitting images of faint colors.
Red.
5:30
Are you okay, Teddy? I'm scared about you.
(Cody).
Black.
6:30
Guess what, Ted? I just got a text message from Sam! I'm not allowed to touch Alanna…ever. Thank you for ruining mine and my daughter's life.
(Randy).
Blue.
8:00
Ted? Please, call me!
(Cody).
Painful blue. Burned red. Condensed black.
I walk around as I finally see Randy and I run off. I don't need to hear him give me a lecture and as I try to dodge him, but I have Randy running after me and even without seeing him, I can feel the anger in him and the more I do, fear burns inside of me even harder and he tackles me down.
I look at him, scared, so very frightened.
"Randy…"
"Don't you Randy me!" he exclaims. "Because of you, my whole freaking life is torn! A five year old can hold a baby, Ted!"
My eyes are threatening to roll back into my head.
I see the pain in his eyes.
The pain of having this monster inside of him unleash.
But it does anyways.
He grabs onto a short tuft of my hair and tries to pull it off, trying to expression his anger to me.
I stare at him. "Randy…"
"What? What in hell's name do you want?"
"I…I love you."
He slaps me instead.
Makes me feel all pained on the inside.
I stare at him.
I knew that this would happen.
I push him off and run off and I don't care about the pain and I don't care about the ripping feeling inside of me as I fall down onto the floor.
Klutz.
I stand up and start walking, taking short and sharp breaths as I make my way towards Richards. Having him stare at me as he grabs onto my arm and pushes me towards the floor. "You love him?!"
"I love him…" I say, letting the tears drop from my eyes. "And he hates me."
"Damn right he does."
That's just a flare of electric agony twisting inside of me.
I sleep onto the floor with thoughts of pain and agony crashing through me. I want Randy. I really do.
But every time I think of his eyes, I know that those eyes want to push me away.
I know that he wants me to die.
I want to die, too.
A faint color of red.
Blood, too much blood…
December, 3, 2009
From
I spend my time.
Spitting out images of blurry pain and spiking terror and sitting down onto my bed, staring at the wall, staring at the many pictures I let fall onto the wall.
Richards walks towards me and he slips down towards me, kissing my mouth and I kiss him back. It's the least I can do. He pulls me and looks somberly at my eyes. "I want you to do me a favor."
Fear provokes my body.
"W-what?"
"I want you to marry me."
My eyes threaten to pop out of my head.
I know he's crazy.
But I am too.
We're going to be crazily depressingly ever after.
There are just no fairytales in real life.
My heart keeps on saying.
No! No! No!
But my brain says "yes".
Guess which one I've chosen?
"Yes. I-I'll marry you."
"And I'll go back to fix that pretty little helmet for you. By the time that we're done, you won't remember Orton at all."
I stare at him.
I still want Randy Orton.
I still love Randy Orton.
But he's just broken me and crippled me into nothing.
Why do I always think of him when he hurts me so bad?
I don't think I can breathe anymore.
Laughter, so much laughter,
November, 4, 2009
My
I let the pencil draw me a picture.
Randy, me and Cody.
I tear Randy out of the picture.
Then I tear Cody out.
So it's just me.
Alone.
With a frowny face.
I'm a child.
Stuck inside of an adult's body.
And I'm getting married to a man I barely even like.
And Randy can't change my mind.
5:42
Ted, you're getting married?!
(Cody).
5:45
Yes, I am, Cody.
(Ted)
5:53
Teddy…how much do you know about this guy?
(Cody).
6:02
I don't know anything about him, Cody.
(Ted).
6:13
Then why are you marrying him?!
(Cody.)
6:20
Because Randy hit me and I told him I loved him…he hit me, Cody. He hit me so hard that I feel like I'm in a nightmare…
(Ted).
6:29
Please, come back home.
(Cody).
6:31
When was I ever home, Cody?
(Ted.)
I smear red against my image.
Blood.
Laughter fills the air.
I like watching me die.
It's like a comedy movie.
But I always end up breaking in tears.
I'm just so pathetic.
It hurts to laugh…
My spirits seem to be gone
November, 5, 2009
Spirits
When I look in the mirror, all I see is black.
There's a stranger looking back…
I don't know how to write poetry. I suck at that too. I guess I'm doing the things that Jeff Hardy loves to do most and I suck at them more than ever.
It takes me forever to write two lines.
I'm curing from my ability not to not read.
It's hard.
But I want to be perfect.
I'm just not.
Just destroyed. Just shattered. Just damaged…
I think I'm gone, too.
Randy, why?
So much pain…
I can't take it.
November, 6, 2009
Well.
9:00
Randy…I'm sorry.
(Ted).
9:20
Get away from me, Theodore.
(Randy).
9: 25
Why am I becoming such a stranger? Why do you hate me?
(Ted).
9:32
How can I love someone who hates himself?
(Randy).
9:36
You're breaking me…
(Ted).
9:44
How do you think I feel? My daughter's scarred forever because of you.
(Randy).
10:23.
Theodore?
(Randy).
10:35.
TED?!
(Randy).
I'm too fragile.
Randy doesn't need another word.
He grabs onto his car keys and runs inside of the car and he doesn't say another word as he locks the key into his ignition…
"Please be okay." Randy's voice is cracked and it has been that way for so long and as he drives, his heart explodes and thuds and he stares into the stained glass of his car and tears are running down his face. "What have I done?"
Too long.
These chapters are too long.
Review?
;) Sam