Aand part 2 of the double update post thing! I'm not sure if sent out an alert for the last chapter, though.
'So it's settled,' Théoden said, some time later. 'We'll go to Helm's Deep.'
'That's a stupid plan,' Aragorn said.'
'You're not in charge of this country,' Théoden pointed out.
'Well, I should be!'
'Now, now,' Gandalf intervened. 'Aragorn, you already get to be king of one country. Don't be greedy.'
'Fine,' Aragorn pouted. Gandalf stood up to go to the garage. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli followed him.
'Where are you going?' Aragorn asked.
'Oh, you know,' Gandalf replied vaguely. 'Places to go, people to see.'
'When will you be back?'
'Look to my coming in five days' time. At dawn, look to the east.'
'How will we know which way is east?'
'Great Manwë, you're a Ranger! You're supposed to be skilled in orienteering! Look, the sun rises in the east. Just look in the direction of the sunrise!'
'What if its cloudy?'
'How should I know?' I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!' Gandalf looked around. 'I said, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!' Nothing happened. '…Alright then. I'm off.' Looking slightly disappointed, Gandalf drove off on Shadowfax, nearly running over Legolas and Gimli in process. Aragorn wandered over to a corner of the garage where a motorbike was being subdued by several bikers while Éowyn looked on.
'Whose bike is this?' Aragorn asked.
'That's Brego, Théodred's bike,' A Biker answered. Aragorn stroked Brego's handlebars gently, murmuring in Elvish, and the bike quieted down. 'Turn this fellow free,' he said to Éowyn. 'He's seen enough of war.'
Sméagol drove around the perimeter of Hotel Mordor for the rest of the day. The building was so massive, however, that by nightfall they had barely reached the first corner. Eventually Sméagol stopped the car so they could all "get some sleep, hobbitses, yes!"
Sam and Frodo fell asleep quickly, Frodo with the One Oreo clutched in his hand. Sméagol examined his reflection in the rearview mirror. 'We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! No! Not master. Master's my friend! You don't have any friends! Nobody likes you! Yes, well nobody likes you, either, does they, precious?' Sméagol shot back at … well, at himself. 'That wasn't very nice, precious! No, not at all. Completely uncalled for, it was, yes. No it wasn't. Rude, you are, yes. No! Rude! Liar and a thief. No. I'm not listening! Muuuuuurderer! Go away. I hate you. I hate you! No. Rude! Where would you be without me? We survived because of me. But master looks after us now! What did you say? A Balrog of Morgoth!' Gollum looked at his nicer counterpart in confusion. 'What? We-we meant, leave now and never come back! What? Leave – now – and – never – come – back!' There was silence, and then Sméagol grinned. 'We told him to go away, precious, and away he goes! Gone! Gone! Gone! Sméagol is free!' he turned on the radio in celebration. Amazingly, Frodo and Sam stayed fast asleep through all of this.
Sméagol drove through the wilderness surrounding the Hotel, happily singing along to the radio while Frodo and Sam grimly held on to their seats in the back. Most of their journey went like this:
'All we needses is love-' bang! '-all we needses is love, *and the precious!* love is all we needses…' crash!
'What was that, Mister Frodo?'
'I don't know.'
'We all lives in a yellow submarinses,' Thump! 'A yellow submarinses, a yellow-' Smash! 'Submarineses…'
'Mister Frodo, do you think the car's moving slowly enough that we could jump out the side without too many injuries?'
'Only one way to find out, Sam.'
rattle rattle
'They're locked! Mister Frodo, the doors are locked!'
'Speaking wordses of wisdom-' Kaboom! 'Let it be! And when all the broken-hearted peoples…' ping!
'Oh look!' Frodo said, trying to disguise the relief in his voice. 'We're running low on petrol! Sméagol, you'd better stop.'
'Alrightses, precious, but there's no petrol stationses around here, my precious, my love, no there isn't…'
'Well, why don't you go look for one,' Frodo suggested, 'and me and Sam can stay here and – and – and not be in the car?' Sméagol stopped the car to let Frodo and Sam out before driving off again, still singing along to the radio. 'Hey Jude, don't makes it bad, takes a sad songses and make it bettttttteeeeerrrr…'
Frodo and Sam sat down and watched with interest as a bunch of random soldiers and a random oliphaunt walked into sight.
'Look! An oliphaunt!' Sam exclaimed. 'My old Gaffer would love to see this!'
'Why don't you buy him the DVDs for Christmas?' Frodo said absently.
'But don't you think oliphaunts are wonderful creatures?' Sam persisted.
Before Frodo could answer, figures clad in green appeared and began shooting at the soldiers and the oliphaunt. Frodo and Sam sensibly ran away; unfortunately, they ran into one of the men in green. After screaming and running around in circles for a few seconds, Frodo looked up at the man. 'Hey, it's Robin Hood!'
The man in green threw back his hood and scowled. 'I'm not Robin Hood, I'm Faramir. Honestly, even my own father gets it confused! I don't know why – I'm nothing like Robin Hood! Come, merry men!' he turned to the group of archers behind him. 'Tie up these two and bring them back to the camp.'
The merry men (who at that point did not look particularly merry) duly tied up and blindfolded Frodo and Sam and pulled them off to their secret hideout.
Thorin: It can be difficult, being this majestic all day. *picture of Thorin looking majestic*. That's why I use majestic milkshakes, the only milkshakes that will keep you feeling majestic all day long! *more pictures of Thorin looking majestic* Majestic Milkshakes – the only milkshake that contains real majesty! *yet more pictures of Thorin looking majestic* Majestic-milkshakes-do-not-contain-real-majesty. Consumption-of-majestic-milkshakes-may-lead-to-hair-loss,-weight-gain-and-death.