Thursday's Child

Chapter Fourteen

Author's Note: Some scenes and dialogue from the Episode "Fool For Love"

…

Buffy and Dawn were both at their respective schools, and Joyce was at the gallery, but Spike wasn't alone in the Summers house. He'd managed to put it off for about a week, but now Ben was sitting quietly in the living room with him, waiting for him to talk. Spike didn't particularly want to talk to the man – he could bloody well get himself sorted on his own if the sodding Hellmouth would give him two sodding minutes to catch his metaphorical breath – but he'd agreed to it to get the Slayer to stop going on at him.

He wasn't above weaseling his way out of something if he'd a mind to, but doing what he said was sort of a matter of pride, wasn't it? Besides, weaseling was the type of thing Angelus would have done, and he'd long since outgrown his Angelus wannabe phase.

"So," Spike finally said into the silence, "what-all did the Slayer tell you about things?"

"She told me some stuff about the ritual, but I'd like to hear what you have to say about it," Ben answered in a nicely non-answering way. Lovely. On with the bloody head shrinker psycho-babble already, were they?

Spike shrugged. "Not much to say. Slayer and I were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Slayer went all wonky, apparently because I'm even more of a masochist than I thought, and I was supposedly in love with her. Now we've a sprog on the way."

"Was?" Ben repeated. "You don't love her anymore?"

Spike looked away uncomfortably. That was something he'd been trying to suss out. Falling out of love with someone because of something they'd done against their will didn't really feel right. It didn't feel like him – he'd instantly forgiven Dru for a lot worse on a regular basis – but how could he love her if he didn't want to touch her?

He'd always been touching Dru, constantly nuzzling and hugging her. Cuddling her close to breathe in her intoxicating scent. When he'd finally gotten her away from Angelus during the business with Acathla, he'd pulled her unconscious body against his as he drove, desperately needing the contact he'd been mostly denied since his grandsire's unwelcome return.

Hell, he'd even snuggled and snogged the Slayer all the bloody time during Willow's spell. Now, though? Now it was all a confusing mess. He touched what he cared about. It all circled back to that. How could he love someone and not want to touch them?

"Okay, let's try a different question. What about Buffy made you fall in love – sorry, 'supposedly' fall in love – with her in the first place?"

Spike glanced back at the human. "Who says it's about her? Maybe I'm just a contrary wanker with a taste for perversion?" He snorted and shook his head in disgust. "Don't get much more perverse than a vampire in love with the bloody slayer. It's just…. It's wrong on so many levels."

"Yeah, that tells me why you don't want to be in love with her, but not really why you are," Ben pointed out. He waited a beat before correcting himself. "Were."

Spike didn't answer right away. Instead, he stared at the man's throat, and the pulse point that insisted on teasing him with the pumping blood. He preferred young women – usually around the age Buffy was now, when they were technically adults but so full of untapped potential and the heady contrast between girl and woman – but food was food.

He stood up abruptly and went into the kitchen, grabbing a two-liter soda bottle full of blood from the refrigerator. He didn't even bother to heat it, just drinking it down straight from the container. Even cold, it was so much better than pig.

It actually made the desire to kill the doc worse, the taste of human on his tongue igniting the urge towards mindless mayhem, but without hunger pushing it along, he was able to clamp down on it more easily. He thought wistfully of the time when he wouldn't even have bothered. Now, though… well, he'd just end up clutching his head in agony, wouldn't he?

He returned to the living room and sat back on the couch. "Right then, what were we on about?" he asked. He knew full well what they'd been talking about, but he needed a minute to settle after the blood rush.

"Buffy, and why you fell in love with her," Ben answered. His pulse rate was up a bit, but other than that, he didn't seem affected by a vampire guzzling two liters of blood after eyeing his neck.

"Right. Yeah, um..." Spike huffed out a breath and ran his hand through his hair. "Been trying to suss that out myself, honestly. She's an annoying little chit and a right bitch most times, but…"

She was full of fire and life, the Slayer was. Most vampires never even met a single slayer, but Spike had actively sought them out. Only a couple had actually been worth his time, the majority of them nothing but good little Council automatons of death. Not Buffy Summers. She danced. She lived.

Or at least she had before the Lord General of the Wanker Brigade has messed her all up. Was there anything Angelus touched that didn't end up broken in one way or another? Even Darla, from what he'd heard, dusted by her own ungrateful spawn.

The poof had stuck just as much of a stake into Buffy's heart as he had Darla's. A metaphorical stake for a metaphorical heart, but those were the ones that hurt the worst. She'd tried to patch up the hole with wet cardboard, thinking she couldn't be hurt by what couldn't burn. That just left you with a soggy mess. You needed fire to cleanse wounds of the heart.

He almost felt sorry for Finn. To be right there, next to that fire, close enough to warm yourself. Only to be held back by a glass wall. Of course, the pillock had damaged her in his own way, hadn't he? Trying to flop his soggy self over the top of the glass enclosure to smother her flame when it wouldn't be what he wanted it to be.

"Spike?"

He focused on Ben again, his attention immediately starting to drift back to his thoughts. "Might as well scarper on back home. Don't think I wanna talk anymore."

He was only vaguely aware of the man getting up and leaving the house. He didn't know if the talk had helped with his frustrating aversion to the Slayer. He didn't know if anything ever would or what the future would bring. He did know one thing, though. He really wanted to see Buffy dance again.

…

...

Buffy walked alone through the cemetery, feeling grumpy and out of sorts. Spike had been all weird and kind of spacey when she'd gotten home from classes. She'd accidentally bumped into him, and he'd jumped like she'd tried to fondle him or something. Then he'd gone off on a nasty, curse-ridden tirade that she still wasn't sure had been aimed at her or himself.

Then, when she'd asked him if he was ready to go on patrol with her, he'd yelled, "Sod off, bitch! I'm busy being a bloody whale." She had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but it apparently entailed watching TV with a small mountain of junk food. Stupid vampire and his moody… moods.

"I wanna be a whale," she pouted. But no, she was busy being "she who lurks alone in cemeteries."

Her vampire tinglies went off just as she caught sight of an eighties rocker reject standing around near a fresh grave. Based on his outdated clothing, she took a guess that he was an older vampire waiting on a special friend he'd made for himself. She jumped towards him and pounded him to the ground, a putrid stench of concentrated grodiness wafting up.

"You know, it's probably none of my business, but I just gotta ask," he lunged, and she backhanded him, enjoying the fight and the banter and ignoring the part of her that missed having a partner by her side, "you smell this bad when you were alive?"

She kicked him into a headstone. "'Cause if it's a post-mortem thing, then boy is my face red…." She didn't think it was a vampire thing. Some of them could be much with the ubergross, but both Angel and Spike were clean and smelled nice.

"But just so you know," she continued her one-sided conversation as she flipped him over grave marker and whipped out her stake. This vamp had been pretty quiet, other than some basic growlies. That was something she missed about fighting Spike. He'd at least kept things verbally interesting. "The fast-growing field of personal grooming has come a long way since you died."

She somersaulted over the headstone, her stake raised and ready to strike, but Mr. McStenchy was ready for her. He grabbed her arm as she landed and spun her around to slam her against the marker, plunging her own stake towards her abdomen.

Time seemed to slow to a frozen crawl as she tried to stop forward momentum. She wasn't strong enough. She was too weak. No! She was the Vampire Slayer. Stupid rituals and primordial hos in red may have been able to kick her butt, but she wasn't going down to something she was specifically designed to kill.

Using all of her strength, she stopped the stake before more than the very tip could sink into her flesh. She pushed it away and spun, jerking free and thrusting her weapon into the chest of the startled vampire.

What the hell just happened? she wondered, staring down at the pile of dust. She was in the best shape of her life, and she'd almost been taken out by a single vampire who couldn't even figure out the basics of soap and water. She hadn't been using her full strength. Why hadn't she been using her full strength?

Riley, she thought, stunned by the realization. She'd been holding back in every aspect of her life, trying to please him by being the relatively normal girl he seemed to want. He'd been out of her life for over a week, and she was still doing it.

The alarm on her new watch beeped, interrupting her thoughts. Damn it. She had to hurry or she'd be late to her first session with Ben. She left things to quietly percolate in the back of her mind and ran towards the Magic Box.

…

...

"Sorry about this," Buffy said, trying to turn a grimace of pain into a smile for Ben as she patched herself up. Good thing she'd decided on her training room as the best place for this. It had a good stash of first aid supplies. Ben had offered to help, but she'd waved him off. She could handle this herself.

The wound wasn't all that bad, but with all the blood she'd been donating lately, she really couldn't afford to lose more. Well, she could – she wasn't about to keel over from blood loss from the four ounces she gave a day – but she wanted to keep as much of it available as she could.

Considering the really terrible luck Spike seemed to have had since… well, since the very first time he came to Sunnydale, honestly… it was a good idea to make sure there was enough Slayer yumminess to go around. She paused to really think about that for a moment. Considering they lived on a Hellmouth, the whole getting a guy pregnant thing honestly wasn't all that strange. But the whole feeding a vampire a daily dose of her blood? That was freaky and weird on so many levels, and went against everything she'd ever been taught as a Slayer.

"What happened?" Ben asked, the question a welcome distraction from her thoughts.

"Vampire got me with my own stake." This time there was no attempt at a smile to soften the grimace. She was furious with herself, but doing her best to keep from spilling it all over Ben. He was a nice guy, taking time out of his life to help her and Spike. "I can't believe I let that happen. All the extra effort and training, and I just..." She sighed and shook her head. "If I get started about that, there won't be time for the stuff I'm supposed to be talking to you about."

She so did not want to talk about what she was supposed to be talking about. Confessing to Riley what she'd done – and the sick fact that she had enjoyed it – had been a heat of the moment kind of thing. Deliberating opening up that can of worms and spilling it all over a virtual stranger? That was completely different. She wasn't looking forward to it all.

With a slight shudder, she led the way to the two chairs Giles had moved into the room for her. Ben sat down in one, but Buffy just stared at the other before starting to pace. The motion tugged at the wound, but it was ignorable. The need to move wasn't. If she just kept going, maybe none of it would catch up with her.

"Buffy, you've got a lot going on in your life right now." She bit back a sarcastic comment – No, really? You think? 'Cause I was thinking of adding a few more things. Maybe an extra looming apocalypse or two to really liven things up – and just nodded her agreement with that little understatement. "It's all knotted together. We don't know yet which string being pulled is going to help it all unravel, so you go ahead and talk about whatever you want. I'm not going to judge you for anything. And even if I was, I'm just a guy you barely know."

Buffy blew out a stream of air towards her hairline and reluctantly sat down. "Okay, so… there was this guy. He was the TA of one of my classes. There was some awkward flirting – at least I think the stuff at the party about assigned chapters and cheese was supposed to be flirting – and a whole bunch of mixed signals and, and…." She trailed off. She didn't know what she'd done wrong, but Ben had serious "someone cut the cheese" face. "What? What is it?"

"Sorry, just… the TA was hitting on you?" he said with a dubious frown. "That just seems kind of skeevy."

She opened her mouth, then closed it again with a frown of her own. Huh. She'd never really thought about that before. "I, I guess. I never really…." She shook her head. "Anyway, I thought he was this normal person, but he wasn't. He had all this military training and some other stuff, though we didn't know about the other stuff for a while. Long story short, we started dating."

She let herself really think about her relationship with Riley. There had been all kinds of things going on around them. Dealing with the Initiative and Adam and that whole thing with Angel, but on the whole, her time with Riley had been… quiet and just sort of comfortable. For a while at least.

"He, um, he said he accepted all of me. The Slayer and the woman, but every time I did something all superhero-y, he would get… I could see this sort of pinching around his eyes. So, I… um, I started holding back, trying to be a normal girl for him." She stood up and started to pace again.

"I let myself be weaker for him, but it wasn't enough. And then… all this stuff happened." She made a wide, sweeping gesture. "And he had to have an operation, but he didn't want it, because then he'd be normal. I've wanted so much to be a normal girl, and he acted like being a normal person was worse than death."

She just didn't get that. Yeah, she'd been upset and freaked out when she'd lost her powers on her eighteenth birthday, but that hadn't been becoming a normal girl. She'd still been the Slayer, just a powerless version. There had also been the whole poisoned and betrayed thing and having to fight off a psycho vampire who had kidnapped her mother to add to the extra super fun time stew.

"A normal girl." Ben's thoughtful voice broke into her thoughts. "You keep saying that. That you tried to be a normal girl."

"Well, yeah, that's because I am a girl," Buffy said defensively. Riley may have basically called her a man in chick's clothing, but she hadn't thought her gender was actually in question.

"Despite what some idiots seem to think, women are people," Ben pointed out unnecessarily. She was well aware of that. "But you never said you wanted to be normal, or just a normal person. You want to be a normal girl."

Buffy stopped pacing and looked down at her feet. "I... I'm not like other girls. It's not just the strength and the slaying and all that. There's… there's something..." Wrong with me that drives men away, she thought, but didn't say. "I used to be good at being a girl. I was a cheerleader and, and kind of a nasty bitch, but very much a girl. But then I became the Slayer, and..." She trailed off, not sure how to word her point. She wasn't even sure what her point was.

"Maybe instead of worrying about all of that, you should just… be Buffy?" Ben suggested quietly.

Just be Buffy. Like it was the easiest thing in the world. Be Buffy. She could do that. Couldn't she?

"Just be Buffy," she repeated. "And who is Buffy? Super strong hero girl with great fashion sense and the uncanny ability to emasculate men just by existing?"

She'd done it to Xander at least once by stopping Larry from bullying him. She sometimes wondered if that was the real reason Angel had left her. She hadn't been the sweet, unchanging little girl he'd wanted her to be. Heck, the only guy in her life she was absolutely sure she hadn't done anything like that to was, weirdly enough, Spike. Despite all of the neutered and impotence jokes, his current condition, and the fact that she was pretty sure he had stolen her eyeliner, Spike seemed to be pretty secure in his masculinity.

"If that's who you feel you are, then yes," Ben said, surprising her. She'd kind of expected him to tell her that wasn't who she was and to give a list of attributes he'd noticed, or something. "Don't focus on who you think you should be, just be what you think you are. If it's not working for you, change up the formula until you feel right in your own skin."

Comfortable in her own skin. When was the last time she felt that way? She couldn't even remember.

"You're Buffy Summers," he continued. "Only you get to decide what that means. Experiment, find out who you are. It's what college kids do. When you get home tonight, figure out what Buffy Summers wants to do with her night… and just do it."

She thought about that. She didn't need to decide what she wanted to do with her entire life, just for the night. What did Buffy Summers want to do tonight? I wanna be a whale. God, that sounded wonderful. She could do some light patrolling on the way home, then see if Spike was in a good enough mood to share his snacks.

"Thanks, doc," she said with a smile.

…

...

Buffy pulled a Dorito out of the bag Spike had grudgingly agreed to share with her as they watched… whatever the hell it was they were watching. It was some kind of badly dubbed kung fu movie, but beyond that, she had no clue. One of the guys executed a flashy spin-kick that took too long to actually be the least bit effective. It, of course, landed perfectly and took down an opponent who should have been able to dodge or block the blow easily.

"Oooh, pretty little kick, innit?" Spike said appreciatively before shoving half a Twinkie into his mouth all at once.

Buffy eyed him in disbelief. She could understand that comment coming from Xander, but Spike actually knew how to fight. How he could possibly think that had been any good?

"It'd be completely useless in a fight," she pointed out.

"Oh, absolutely," he agreed, waving that fact off. "But it's nice to look at, and you've got to admire his form. Man's not a fighter, he's an actor. Bloody brilliant bit of body control, that."

"Huh." Buffy tilted her head, as if the actual change in how she was looking at the screen would change how she perceived what was happening on it.

"That guy right there though, he's got real talent." Spike pointed to one of the background fighters, a man whose moves were both useless and ugly. "You see what he's doing there? He knows how to fight. You can see it how he moves. But he don't want to show up the lead, so he's mangling it on purpose. He's doin' it smart though." He tapped the side of his head. "Keeping to the forms just enough that he doesn't hurt himself."

"Huh," she said again. Now that Spike had pointed it out, she could see what he was talking about. He could be pretty observant when he wanted to be.

"Drunken Monkey comes on next. Much better movie."

"Oooh, yeah, I love that movie!" Buffy said without taking her eyes off the screen. "It's got – hey!"

She stared down at the thing that had hit her head. A wrapped Twinkie. "Jerk," she muttered.

"Shrewish bitch."

She picked up the Twinkie and unwrapped it. "Thanks."

Spike just grunted in response and opened up the box of Ho-Hos, tossing a couple her way. "Just because I'm sharing doesn't mean you're getting your filthy mitts all over my cherry cokes," he said, popping one open and taking a long drink.

"Yeah, well, I don't want your stupid cherry cokes," she huffed. "I like diet."

"Yeah, because you really need to be dieting," Spike said with an eye roll. He was starting to sound grumpy. Great, just when she'd actually… been having fun.

That realization hit her like a ton of bricks. She'd been having fun. With Spike. She eyed him. He was muttering about stupid girls who thought they needed to be sticks to be attractive and that chubby could be nice too, damn it.

"Hey, Spike," she said, cutting him off.

"What?" he growled.

"You remember how you said I owed you dinner and a movie?"

"Yeah, what about it?" He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her. "Gonna try to weas-"

"Do you, um, do you want to do that tomorrow night?"

It was a bad idea. A really, really bad idea, but she wanted some fun. She deserved some fun, right? She could ask her friends to all patrol together, give her a night off. It had been a while since she'd had one. And she really did need to get to know Spike better. She'd agreed to his rules, so that meant he was going to be part of her life for a while. They need to learn to get along. For the baby.

"Are you asking me out on a date?" Spike asked incredulously.

"Yeah, right, of course I am," Buffy said, voice dripping sarcasm. "And since I'm apparently so manly, you can be my girlfriend."

Oh, great, nice job, Buffy. He was already grumpy, and now…

Spike surprised her by shaking his head and laughing. "Works for me." He smirked. "Those magazines of yours did say I'd make a fantastic girlfriend."

He'd read her magazines and done the quizzes? "Just how bored were you?"

"You've no idea, Slayer, no idea at all," he said with a shudder. "Now stop hogging the Doritos or I won't share the mocha mint chip ice cream in the freezer."

"Oooh, we have mocha mint chip?" She immediately handed the bag over, then got up and dug through the freezer.

She returned with the carton of ice cream and two spoons. Buffy was still stunned by how much she was enjoying herself. Spike couldn't hurt anyone, so maybe… maybe it was okay to actually kind of… like this one specific vampire. Maybe that was going too far, but it was okay to have fun with him. Wasn't it?

No more thinky thoughts, she told herself firmly. Tonight, Buffy Summers was being a whale. Tomorrow night, she was going out. Beyond that… well, she hadn't gotten there yet. Buffy settled in and focused on just relaxing for once and being Buffy.