A/N: so sorry for the huge gap between updates, things have been really crazy. Ive had work, orientation, and my Grandpa died...
I'll try and keep updates frequent again.
It isn't very hard to fall for Sean Cameron. I know, because I've done it too many times.
My feelings for him never entirely went away, he was my first love. It's one of those bonds that is just too hard to break. When I saw him with that baby at graduation, it was just too easy. He looked at that little girl with so much love in his eyes, and I remembered a similar look that he used to give me.
I just couldn't turn him down when he asked me out that day at the dot. I could tell that he had grown up a lot. He wasn't that same old angry kid, he had a job and a house, a car, and a baby. He wasn't going to hurt me again…but I could still hurt him.
I didn't want to leave him that night. It was one of the best nights I'd had in a long time. I wanted it to go on forever, to stay in his arms away from all the crap in my life that I just didn't deal with. But I just felt so guilty. Sean had spent the evening pouring out his soul to me, everything he had done and regretted since we'd been apart. It just wasn't fair that he didn't know anything about me anymore.
But maybe it was better that way.
The summer after my tenth grade year, Sean was living with Ellie, and perfectly happy. I was having a lot of identity issues. I didn't know who I was anymore. Everyone just knew me as "the cause girl". Just the tall blonde who cares about the environment. I had never done anything risky in my life. I had always been safe, and good. I didn't hate my life, I mean it was practically perfect, most people wouldn't complain…but I needed a change. I needed to be something different.
I was at the mall, buying shoes or CDs maybe. I walked through the food court when I heard a wolf whistle coming from a table behind me. The feminist in me turned around to smack whoever had made the rude gesture. When I turned I saw Jay Hogart, the school's bad boy and Sean's ex best friend. He was leaning back casually in a chair, raising his eyebrows at me.
"Can I help you?" I asked sarcastically
"Yeah I think you can" he said in his slick voice, "my my, you really have grown up little Miss Green peace"
"What do you want Jay?" I said, folding my arms, trying to ignore him but I couldn't help but to enjoy the compliment…sleazy as it was
"I want you, to come to a party with me tonight"
I would've said no, but I remembered that Emma Nelson was boring, I needed to branch out, "ok, where and when?" I asked much to his surprise
For the rest of that summer I partied and screwed around with Jay. He lied, he cheated and stole, he drank and did drugs, and best of all…he had a girlfriend that wasn't me. Being with Jay gave me an intense adrenaline rush, and made me feel like I was being so bad. It was the craziest time of my life, I loved every second of chaos. I fed off the way Jay looked at me when I wore skimpy outfits, and the way he looked when I took them off.
When school started, we both pretended it never happened.
Jay was Sean's best friend. If he ever found out any of the things we did, he would kill Jay…maybe even me.
But I couldn't just go on and lie about it. When I woke up early that morning and I saw Sean sleeping peacefully next to me, I did the only thing I could think of. I tiptoed to the kitchen and found some scrap paper in a drawer, I scribbled a note after what seemed like hours of staring at the blank sheet. No words seemed right, and the truth wouldn't fit on the small square. With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I left the note with Sean and slipped out of the house. It hurt me more than he knew. I wanted to be with him, I really did. Sean was my first love, my true love.
And there are a few times when the regret sets in…
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