Song: "Chasing Cars," by Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
Sarah lies awake, one arm behind her head. She stares at the ceiling, but the moonlight filtering through the window distracts her. Not for the first time, she finds that she can't sleep, thoughts of a certain computer nerd filling her head.
She sighs into the still night, wondering if it'd be possible, what it'd be like, to run off with him, just the two of them. She entertains the thought for a few minutes, allowing her mind to drift.
This is the only safe time of the day, the only time when she can truly let go of her cares. There are no bugs, no cameras, no spies. She can be herself, and dwell on things, people, she wouldn't normally dwell on. And so, every night, she finds herself lying awake, thinking about him. Except each morning she feels even worse, the night's musings having only reassured her that she can never begin an actual relationship with Chuck.
She flips over in frustration, burying her face in her pillow. It's been ten months since they've been working together, and ten weeks since she's had a decent night's sleep. This will never do. Something's got to change.
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Sarah feels trapped. A life in the agency was supposed to do just the opposite – provide her with almost unlimited freedom. Instead, this assignment with Chuck has plopped her down in the middle of a dilemma to which she can see no easy or desirable solution.
Letting out a growl of aggravation, she punches the pillow. If only things could be as simple as they were when they were first starting out. They were friends then, not this weird thing between friends and lovers.
She throws the covers off and stands, her toes crushing into the plush carpet. She runs her fingers slowly through her hair and saunters over to the window. The moonlight is refreshing, calming, and she stretches her arms above her head, her tank top rising up above the waist of her shorts.
She lets her arms fall heavily to her sides. Staring out the window, she has a sudden urge to be with him. But it's close to one in the morning. Even if he's awake, how would he react to her showing up unexpected and unannounced in the middle of the night?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
Sarah tosses on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and twenty minutes later, she's standing outside Chuck's window, shivering slightly in the chilly night air. She crosses her arms over her chest. The blinds are down, preventing her from seeing inside the room. But the lights are off, and she's certain he's sleeping.
Taking a deep breath, she raises a hand to the window pane. After a moment's hesitation, she raps on it lightly, trying not to wake the neighbors. She waits, straining her ears in an attempt to hear movement from inside. It's silent. She knocks again, a little louder this time. She waits quietly, shuffling her weight from one foot to the other. The sound of rustling bed sheets can be heard, and the blinds shoot up abruptly.
Sarah looks up, her breath catching in her throat at the sight of his disheveled form. Chuck looks shocked, but he recovers quickly, taking a breath, and offers her a pleasant smile. She returns it, amused at his rumpled boxers and the Darth Vader t-shirt that's twisted around his torso. Without a word, he opens the window, reaching out a hand to help her clamber through the frame. Squeezing his hand, she climbs through the window and into the darkened room.
He asks for no explanation, and she offers none. Instead, he merely keeps her hand in his and leads her over to the bed. She kicks off her shoes and slides under the covers, the smile on her face growing as he follows her. She settles on her side, facing away from him. He snuggles up against her, and she drinks in the feeling of his warm, comfortable body pressed against hers. But she soon changes her mind, turning on her other side so they're facing one another.
Pulling his head back to get a good look at her, he smiles. "Do you want some more comfortable pajamas?" he drawls, his voice thick with sleep.
She shakes her head. "No," she whispers, closing her eyes and burying her forehead in his chest.
His arms wrap around her, and she shifts into a more comfortable position. She takes a deep breath, breathing in his unique scent. He smells good. Like his sheets. Or maybe his sheets smell like him. A shy smile springs to her face. She could definitely get used to sleeping in his arms.
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Sarah loves being in Chuck's embrace. It's protective without being patronizing. He is exactly what one part of her needs and what the other part of her can't have. She lies there, losing track of the time, her eyes growing heavier with each passing breath. She's close to drifting off when he speaks, whispering quietly so as to not break the delicate atmosphere.
"Is everything all right?"
She sighs, debating over how much to tell him, and finally answers, "Why would it not be?"
He glances over her shoulder at the clock on the bedside table then back at her. "It's almost two in the morning and you kind of just appeared at my window. That's not exactly an every day, or every night, occurrence."
She chuckles, reaching a hand up to brush her fingers tenderly over his cheek. "I just couldn't sleep, that's all."
"And somehow I can cure your insomnia?" he laughs.
She makes a sound of acquiescence, but, realizing what she's actually agreeing to, stops herself halfway through. She looks up at him, her eyes wide, and meets his somewhat surprised expression.
"I," he begins, his voice much more serious, "I didn't know I had that effect on you."
Still locking eyes with him, she takes a deep, shaky breath. "It's been so long since anyone's held me, and I wanted it to be you."
He swallows, nodding. "I like just holding you. It feels . . ."
"Like everything falls into place, doesn't it?" she finishes for him.
"Yeah, like we can forget everything besides ourselves." The smile on his face doesn't quite hide the sadness in his eyes.
She wants to tell him so much right now, but she feels like speaking any further would ruin the moment. Instead, she snakes her arm around his neck and, letting out a fragile breath, settles her head in the crook of his shoulder. He kisses her hair, murmuring goodnight.
Lying in the arms of the man she loves, Sarah Walker falls asleep.
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
For the first time in over a year, Sarah wakes in another's arms. And she likes it. She breathes in deeply, wanting to memorize everything about mornings in Chuck's bedroom. She opens her eyes to find Chuck already awake, blinking groggily at her, and a contented smile springs to her face.
"'Morning," he says softly, sleepily, happily.
"Good morning, Chuck," she responds almost shyly.
Of all the things they've experienced together, Sarah enjoys the simple things the most. Like having dinner with him, or waking up wrapped in him. During her years in the agency, she's forgotten what normalcy is. Somehow, without even meaning to succumb to his influence, she's slipped into this life with him, this life that feels so wonderful, and so normal.
It almost makes her forget that she and Chuck are not a real couple, and that they have people to save and asses to kick every week.
Almost.
He slips out of bed, and for a moment, she feels entirely cold and empty. Reaching out a hand for him, she groans in protest.
He laughs lightly. "I'm going to shower. I'll be fifteen minutes, I swear."
"Fine," she mutters into the pillow.
He laughs again, and she can't stop her lips from curving into a smile. She hears the bathroom door shut, and, a minute later, the shower turn on. By now, she's fully awake, and can't drift off to sleep again. She sits up and stretches, yawning. The sunlight streaming in through the window feels amazingly warm on her face. She glances around the room for something to do, but when her stomach rumbles fiercely, her mind's made up.
Ellie and Devon are already in the kitchen making breakfast. Ellie greets her cheerily and Devon smiles widely, no doubt intending to congratulate Chuck later on. Sarah knows she should work out something with him about their cover, but right now, the glorious smell of freshly-made pancakes is overwhelming.
"Mmm . . . those smell heavenly, Ellie," Sarah says with a smile.
"Babe!" exclaims Awesome. "I can't believe we've known her for almost a year and she hasn't had your famous pancakes yet!"
Ellie laughs, ushering Sarah to a seat. "Well, sit down, then. You're in for a treat."
Two minutes later, there's a plate piled high with thick, golden-brown pancakes in front of her. Ellie watches eagerly. Sarah takes a bite, and her taste buds start to freak out.
"Oh, my god, Ellie," she says, her eyes wide. "These are delicious."
"Secret recipe from her grandma," Awesome elucidates.
Sarah smiles happily and takes another bite, trying to restrain herself from devouring the whole plate in a matter of minutes.
"So," Awesome begins, and Sarah can tell that this is going to be one of those conversations. "I didn't know you spent the night."
"Devon," Ellie chastises, whispering surreptitiously to her clueless fiancé. "It's really none of our business."
Sarah swallows, managing not to laugh. "It's all right, Ellie. Last night was . . . unexpected." She glances down at her jeans and wrinkled t-shirt to get her point across.
"Oh!" Ellie says, "You know, if you need clothes to wear, I'd be happy to lend you some. You're a bit taller than I am, but I think we can find you something."
Sarah, touched by the offer, nods. "Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure what we have planned for today."
Just then, Chuck stumbles into the kitchen, his curls still wet from the shower.
"Super timing, bro," Awesome says, reaching out his fist.
Chuck, puzzled, taps his fist against Awesome's and disappears behind the refrigerator door.
"'Morning, Chuck," Ellie says pointedly.
"Hey, sis," he responds, reemerging with the orange juice. "Did I hear something about plans for the day?" He grabs two glasses and sits down next to Sarah, pouring her a juice and handing the glass to her.
"Mm-hmm. Devon and I are both off for the day. We were thinking about going on a bike ride and having a picnic." She leans against the counter and folds her arms, looking with a sly expression at Chuck and Sarah. "You two care to join us?"
Chuck looks at the blonde sitting next to him, his eyebrows raised.
She smiles, shrugs her shoulders. "I'm off today . . ."
He grins, turning back to his sister. "Sure. Why not?"
"I should probably go shower first, though," Sarah admits.
"Oh, why don't I grab you some clothes, then, and Chuck can take them in to you?" Ellie suggests.
Chuck shoots Sarah a mortified look, no doubt at the thought of entering the bathroom while she's in the shower. She grins back at him, and takes his hand.
"That works," she says, and he relaxes noticeably.
"Chuck, buddy," Awesome intones, grabbing Chuck's attention. "Pancakes?"
Chuck laughs. "You know it."
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Sarah walks down the hallway to Chuck's bedroom, ecstatic at the thought of spending the whole day with him. She wonders idly if he's a good bike rider.
Opening the door to the bedroom, she freezes at the sight of Casey sitting on the window frame, his arms folded across his chest and a scowl on his face.
"Casey," she nods, stepping into the room and closing the door quietly behind her.
"Walker," he grunts. "Imagine my surprise when I woke up to find two voices coming through the bugs when I'm pretty sure the Intersect was alone, and asleep, when I retired for the night."
Sarah's silent. She's known all along that Casey has been none too pleased about her relationship with Chuck. The lines are always blurry for spies, and the lines separating her from Chuck are ever blurrier. In her eyes, she's managed to not cross those wobbly, indistinct boundaries. But only barely.
"So what's the occasion?" he continues.
"Excuse me?" She looks up, startled at the question.
"Your birthday? A sibling's? Your parents' anniversary?"
Sarah pauses. Of course. Every agent has a day like that. Most have more than one. Thinking back to when the insomnia started, she admits, "The day I joined the agency."
Casey nods, but surprisingly doesn't offer a warning about getting too close to "the asset." He stands and pulls a small disc out of his back pocket.
"Here," he says, holding it out to her.
She hesitates.
"It's the recording from last night to this morning." He holds it closer to her.
"Why?" she asks, still not taking the disc.
He sighs, reluctantly answering, "Because I've gotten used to you and the kid. I don't want them to use this to find you a new assignment and me a new partner." She reaches out a hand, her shaking fingers hovering over the recording. "Think of it as a selfish act," he continues. "And take it."
Her fingers close over the disc. She buries it in the back pocket of her jeans and says softly, "Thank you, Casey."
Casey grunts and turns to hop out of the window, but pauses, his arm braced against the frame. "You should tell him. He deserves to know something real."
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
Sitting on the picnic blanket, Sarah watches Ellie and Awesome stroll away hand-in-hand for a private walk. Watching this display of trusting, untainted love emboldens her, and she turns to Chuck.
"Chuck," she says, her voice quiet but forceful.
He looks at her calmly; she falters.
How to tell a man you love him? It's so easy when it's a lie. But when you've never been in love and suddenly you're overwhelmed with the strength of your emotions and there's this man who worships the very core of you and you can't see a future that doesn't involve broken hearts?
No. Telling Chuck she loves him will be the hardest thing she ever does.
"I," she stammers, her heart suddenly pounding out of control. He waits patiently, looking her straight in the eye. "Can I, uh, can I stay with you again tonight?" she finally manages to say, her voice strangled. Disappointed in her lack of courage, her face falls.
He chuckles lightly. "That all? Of course."
There's a pause during which she's acutely and nervously aware that he's studying her closely.
"Every night, if you want," he adds softly.
She looks up at him, shocked.
His eyes.
His eyes hold so much love.
The depth of affection in his gaze and the thinly veiled offer beneath his words terrify her more than any death-defying mission ever could.
Seeming to realize the predicament he's put her in, he offers her a sorrowful smile and lies back on the blanket. He stretches a hand beneath his head and closes his eyes against the afternoon sun. She tilts her head, finding comfort in his serene expression.
Gazing at him, Sarah acknowledges sadly that she has fallen deeply and irrevocably in love with Chuck Bartowski.
As she can currently see no end to her dilemma, she follows his lead and moves to lie down. She twists on the blanket, and settles her head on top of Chuck's abdomen. Unlike him, however, she stares straight at the sun, hoping futilely that its bright rays will wipe away the intense pain in her heart.
He shifts to get more comfortable and reaches out a hand to grasp hers. She takes it willingly, threading her fingers through his. Bringing their entwined hands up to her face, she kisses his hand. In response, he brushes his thumb over the back of hers.
She sighs, feeling a miniscule amount of her sadness lift away. There's no end in sight, but for right now, she'll use their precious time together to lie with him and forget the world.
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?