Chapter 14 – Setbacks
Yawning, he opened his eyes and was greeted by a little face smiling up at him. Richard adjusted himself onto his side and reached out to tickle Ashley's chin, getting a light giggle in response. He looked up over Ashley and frowned, not finding her mother. Richard scooped the little confessor up in his arms and sat up on the edge of the bed, knitting his eyebrows together as he looked about the room.
Slowly, he stood, cradling Ashley in one arm as he walked over to the window and looked out at the garden below. Jennsen was rushing about, quickly covering some plants and harvesting what she could. A fine lace of powder covered the ground, and the air was filled with tiny flecks of white as more snow started to come down. Richard raised his eyebrows. It had finally come. Winter.
Ashley let out a little squeal and grabbed the pendant around his neck, tugging at it, causing his head to jerk down. He laughed softly and looked down at her, smiling. She was so beautiful. He could never feel anything but love for this little human, even if she was not his child. He could never blame her for how she had been conceived. Thinking about that, he turned back to the bed, his brow creasing in worry. He could see the faint outlines of where Kahlan had slept, and her pillow still held the proof of her head having rested there. He stepped back over and stared down at the empty mattress, very aware that he could still smell the lingering scent of Kahlan.
He closed his eyes and took a big whiff of it. It was not perfume or any other sort of fragrance; it was just Kahlan and her alone. He had memorized that scent long ago, back in the forests of Westland when they had just fought off the squadron of D'Haran soldiers at the now long gone barrier. He had shocked her immensely when he destroyed the Book of Counted Shadows, least it fall into the hands of Darken Rahl. After their fierce battle, he had turned towards her, finding her sprawled on the ground, looking up at him in awe. He held out a hand, and helped her to her feet. And… and then they hugged one another.
He didn't know if it was because of the fierce battle or the way her dress seemed to compliment her figure so well, or the way her cleavage rose and fell with each single one of her breaths, all covered in glistening sweat, but the moment they embraced, his blood pulsed wildly and he flushed with sudden arousal. He had to bury his head in her long gorgeous hair to hide his face, and when he did so, he breathed in her scent, smelling it for the first time. And, like the virile young man he was, he memorized it, telling himself he would not rest until the owner of that scent was his.
But then fate had other plans. First, it threw her confessing powers at him as a barrier. Then it was the Keeper of the Underworld that came, threatening the world with his banelings and screelings, bent on the destruction of all life. And so it was, that Richard's fear for her safety caused him to make one of—if not—the biggest mistake of his life. He left her in Aydindril, thinking she'd be safe, not knowing that doing so would create the largest and toughest barrier out of them all: Kahlan taking a mate. The horror at having discovered that, still permeated throughout his entire being. The senses of betrayal and grief still clung to his soul. He still did not know if he could ever forgive her, if he could ever love her the same way, knowing she had been with another.
As if sensing his brooding thoughts, and seeking to distract him and return the attention to herself, Ashley mewled softly and puckered her lips. Richard narrowed his eyes, recognizing the signs. The baby was hungry.
"Alright, alright," he whispered soothingly, rubbing his finger along her little cheek. "Let's see if we can find your mother." The little confessor seemed to concur with the idea and continued moving her little lips demanding her mother's milk.
Richard ducked through the door and into the kitchen. The only person he found there was Cara. The Mord'Sith was in the process of finishing her breakfast. She looked up when he entered and tried to suppress her frown, no doubt disapproving of the fact he had spent the night with Kahlan. He ignored it. In truth it was none of her business what he did with Kahlan. That was his own. He would do as he pleased. It was his life, not hers. He adjusted Ashley in his arms and stepped over to the table, looking around.
"Where's Kahlan?" he asked.
Cara narrowed her eyes, and looked down, glaring into the dregs of her porridge. "The confessor's taking a bath," she replied, her voice filled with bitterness.
Richard gave her a look, a simple look that told her she needed to change her attitude. He moved around the table and walked into the hall. He found the door, adjusted Ashley into one arm, and reached for the door latch. Then he stopped and shook his head. It would be incredibly rude of him to simply open the door and walk in on her. He took a breath, surprised at himself, and knocked on the wooden door.
"Yes?" came her voice, so delicate and lovely to his ears.
To his surprise, the moment he heard her voice he let out a sigh of relief. Richard had no idea that he had been so anxious at not seeing her by his side when he woke up. It was not like they were a couple again, even if he did love her, they were just friends. And that is what he wanted, right? Or was he just fooling himself into believing that he still did not desire her.
"It's me," he called through the door, feeling his voice rise a bit like a schoolboy being caught staring at his first crush. He clenched his jaw and groaned inwardly, amazed at himself. He may wish to try and deny his feelings for Kahlan, but his feelings seemed to have a different plan.
There was an awkward pause before she answered. "Come in."
Richard pulled the latch and pushed the door open, stepping into the washroom he had constructed. He had wanted to ensure they had a complete washroom before winter struck, so he had taken the time to finish it, accomplishing the task just a few days ago by covering the roof with some wild grass and mud, before adding some bark on top to help keep the cold out. And it appeared Kahlan was the first to take advantage of the new luxury. He let out a breath, realizing that was probably another reason for Cara's animosity towards the confessor. Richard had originally started the bath for Cara… but that had been before Kahlan had arrived.
When he entered, the room was warmer than the rest of the cabin, and steam rose from the tub. He blinked, looking down, seeing Kahlan was still immersed in the warmed water. She turned around and looked up at him. Her dark hair was soaked and lay thickly around her face, framing her delicate features. Her eyes shone in a bright blue that was startling, taking his breath away. His mouth involuntarily dropped and he could not help but stare at the beauty before him.
"Richard?" Kahlan furrowed her brow as she looked up at him.
"What? Oh, yes," Richard shook his head and stepped in, closing the door. "I woke to find you gone… And I… I was worried." Kahlan smiled, no doubt pleased to hear that. He allowed a lazy grin to work its way onto his lips. "And… Ashley's hungry," he added.
Kahlan gave a nod and unceremoniously stood up out of the water, completely exposing her entire body to him. All Richard could do was gawk, unable to resist the urge to look upon her. So long had he wished to see her like this, so long he had dreamt of it. As his eyes roamed, he thought he caught a faint smile forming on her lips. And he was surprised when she did not make a move to quickly cover herself. She did not seem to mind him looking. It was a completely different attitude to the one she had displayed when he had caught her bathing by the waterfall… but that was almost two years ago. A lot had changed since then.
He swallowed, half amazed at the realization of how long it had been. It was not just her attitude that had changed. Kahlan's breasts were slightly heavier, and not as firm as before, but he did not mind, they were still beautiful. The skin around her middle was not as tight, having little stretch marks running up and down from where her belly had been swollen with child. Almost a permanent reminder of what had happened. But for some reason, he found his eyes did not care. Her beauty had not diminished since giving birth; it only seemed to have heightened. Richard was literally speechless. He had never gazed upon such a perfect specimen of womanhood.
Richard blinked, suddenly very aware that he was gawking. He turned his back to her and blushed with embarrassment. Kahlan laughed softly and he could hear the muffled sounds of her drying off with a towel. He waited for her to finish and when she called his name, Richard turned back around to see her finishing with her clothing, putting on her blouse. But she did not button it up, instead leaving it open. Kahlan held out her arms and he stepped closer, handing Ashley over. Kahlan went over to a stool and sat down, moving the flaps of her blouse aside to get better access. Ashley's little hands reached up for her mother's breasts and Richard watched as Kahlan brought the infant to her. Within moments, Ashley was suckling happily.
Kahlan tenderly stroked the back of Ashley's head, and looked up at him with her brilliant blue eyes. "Why are you blushing, Richard?" she asked him.
Richard rocked back and forth on the balls of his heels, feeling uncomfortable, and not knowing why. "I've never… never seen you—"
"Completely naked," she finished for him, giving a nod. She raised an eyebrow. "What did you think?"
"What?" Richard blinked, startled by the question. He felt his cheeks flush all the more and he knew they were turning red.
Kahlan gave him a coy smile and looked back down at her daughter as she continued to feed. "It actually isn't the first time, Richard," she said. "Remember that waterfall?" Richard swallowed past the lump in his throat and it took all his strength just to nod. "And then there was that time with that woman who was impersonating me…," she looked up, a mischievous look in her eyes. "Didn't you go skinny-dipping with her?"
"I thought it was you!" he blurted out as if he needed to defend himself, but it only caused his ears to burn with embarrassment. He turned his back to her and lowered his head, racking in a deep breath, trying to cool himself off. Why was it so difficult for him to talk to her about such things?
"It's all right," Kahlan was saying. "I understand." Her voice dropped and she sounded melancholy. "I just wished I had given in to my feelings for you back then."
Richard straightened and looked over his shoulder. "But we didn't know how we could be together back then," he said.
"I know, but still," she continued. "If I had allowed it, who knows… you already loved me back then, didn't you."
"Yes, I did," Richard said, raking his fingers through his hair. Spirits, why was she telling him this? It was agonizing being so close to her, hearing what she was saying and resisting the urge to act on them. And if she felt this way, then why did she not put up more of a fight when the council had her take a mate. He clenched his jaw and turned his back to her.
"I… I'm sorry, Richard," Kahlan called out, sensing she had overreached herself in what she had been saying. He wondered if she knew just how much he was doing battle within. It was a constant fight between his desire for her and his anger and sense of betrayal. But as of right now, the later was winning. He could not forgive her, no matter what she said.
"We're friends, Kahlan," he said, slumping his shoulders, surrendering to the feelings of betrayal. "And no more than that." He looked over his shoulder at her. "It was a mistake to share a bed. I'll sleep in my own from now on." Richard turned back and opened the door.
"But… you said that the future was not written!" Kahlan objected. "You said things could change."
"I made no promises," he said, his tone turning to an icy edge. Richard was angry that she had paraded her body before him to try and lull his senses. It was a cheap move, one more akin to something Cara would do. He could hardly believe Kahlan would stoop so low. If she wanted him back, it could not be through seduction. She had to regain his trust, and that was something that would be difficult to do, especially after today.
"Richard… please, don't go," she pleaded, her voice almost sounding like a whine to his ears.
"I'm hungry," he huffed. "I'm going to have breakfast. I'll leave some for you. When you're finished with Ashley you can come out and have some."
His nostrils flared and he slammed the door behind him. Cara was still sitting at the table and she looked like she had been eavesdropping, judging from the smug smirk on her face.
"What are you smiling about!" Richard snarled, feeling anger towards everyone.
The Mord'Sith wiped her smile off her face and stood, meeting his glare. "You should have thrown her to the wolves!" she snapped back. "She doesn't deserve your kindness or our hospitality. She has imposed on us long enough."
Richard was angry, but he was not that angry. "Winter is tightening its grip outside, Cara!" he roared, gesturing to the window and the snowflakes drifting through the wind. "I cannot send a mother and newborn out into the cold, no matter who she is, or what she did. It's just wrong!"
"Then let me take her to Hartland," Cara suggested. "She can spend the winter there. She has no right to stay here, sleeping in your bed and eating our food."
Richard's chest heaved and he gave Cara a heated stare. "Enough! I've made my decision and that's final!" he roared, all of his anger turning on the Mord'Sith. All she thought about was herself and how she wanted to seduce him. He thought he had broken past some of her barriers, teaching her the difference between right and wrong.
Cara huffed and growled. She turned and grabbed her cloak, pulling it on.
"Where are you going?" he demanded, trying to act like the Lord Rahl he never wanted to be.
"I'm going for a hunt!" she said. "Someone needs to keep our bellies full. You're so infatuated with that whore, that you can hardly think straight!" The Mord'Sith stormed out in a huff, leaving Richard standing behind her speechless.
Richard growled and kicked a chair. He let out a frustrated breath and narrowed his eyes, glaring spears into the wall. Cara was only making things more difficult for him. It was bad enough having Kahlan under his roof and not being able to make love to her because of how betrayed he felt. He did not need Cara reminding him of it all the time. Seething with pent up outrage over everything that had happened in the past year, Richard picked the chair up and flung it against the wall, causing it to splinter into pieces. He heard a yelp and looked up to see a startled Kahlan, her child in her arms. The child that was not his.
"What are you looking at!" he roared.
Kahlan backed up and let out a soft whimper. Ashley started wailing, yet Kahlan did not try and sooth her. Her eyes were locked on him. Richard narrowed his eyes as his chest heaved with his anger, gazing upon her, feeling the hatred and animosity he had felt that day they had returned to Aydindril and he saw her swollen belly. And for the first time that he could remember, Richard saw fear in her eyes when she looked at him.