The Star-Crossed Glitch
XIV. To rest
Amy woke up to the earth-shaking realization that she had either experienced the best nightmare or committed the worst indiscretion of her life.
She saw her bedroom ceiling and squeezed her eyes shut again, every muscle petrified as a flood of sensations assaulted her brain: the fragrance of talc and Sheldon's own scent as she snuggled against his broad chest; the sight of Sheldon's dilated blue eyes, stormy in their intensity as he leaned closer to her; the milky flavor of Sheldon's mouth as they kissed; the frenzied stroking of his long and sinewy fingers over her skin; the snap of fabric as she pulled Sheldon's shirts over his head—
Sheldon.
She was gasping now, breath and pulse both quickening, and she dreaded what she would find when she opened her eyes. Clamping a hand over her mouth, she glanced at the space to her right. Blinking, she turned to her left.
Nothing.
She was all alone in her bed. She was relieved… and also letdown. Did he… just leave me here?
The covers were pulled to her chin so she grasped the edge with her shaking hands and peeked underneath. She wasn't wearing last night's clothes, but she was clad In her red plaid pajamas. That's odd...
She jumped out of bed, nearly blacking out when her head throbbed and spun. She stumbled to her dresser and examined her reflection: mussed hair, bleary eyes, dry lips, and her skin… she pulled her top's neckline down. Her neck and décolletage were as pale and clear as ever. She flinched and covered her skin, still feeling guilty as she recalled—or imagined—Sheldon's puckered lips aggressively kissing her. Did that really..?
Last night's outfit was folded on her dresser, two buttons from her blouse on top of her clothing. Her regular glasses were nowhere to be found. Her coffee table was clear, even though she had a vague memory of glasses of Yoohoo on it… and neglecting them as she eyed Sheldon in a deliberately coquettish manner. Her kitchen was free of spills and other messes that she would've expected from her condition during the previous night. Her oven clock displayed the right time—she had been meaning to correct it for days. How...
What actually happened?
The day passed by in a blur of drowsiness, distractions, dropped objects and duplicated tasks that she couldn't complete in her dazed state. Even though she hadn't accomplished any work, it was a relief when her official work hours ended. She immediately left the laboratory and drove to the coffee shop.
To her surprise, Sheldon was already there, standing by the doorway, even though it was still ten minutes before their appointed meeting time. "Sheldon… have you been here long?"
He appeared to study her face for some time before asking: "Is twenty minutes a long time?"
She gaped silently, then managed to say: "In this case, yes."
"Then I've been here for a long time."
"… Why?"
"I wanted to be punctual." He opened the door and waited for her to enter first. Inside, they both ordered hot chocolate—she offered to pay for both, since she had asked to meet him, yet he insisted that his mother would have him cover all the expenses, so they ended up splitting the bill.
They sat in a little corner table; Amy wrapped her hands around her beverage, but the paper cup didn't release enough heat to soothe her chilly hands. She surreptitiously looked up and found him looking down at his drink, biting his lip.
"Thank you for bringing me to my apartment last night—you… did bring me there, right?"
"Yes, I did. And… you're welcome."
"Also, I'm sorry about that." She ducked, embarrassed.
His head jerked up. "What are you talking about?"
"I must've made a lot of trouble for you…" She forced a laugh and gulped her hot chocolate, burning her tongue. She set her cup down and exhaled. "Actually, I don't remember much. I kind of remember you bringing me home, and then I at least had the presence of mind to offer you a drink, and then… I'm not sure what may or may not have happened."
He blinked and his face wasn't so much unreadable as several emotions passed too quickly for her to register them before his expression settled to one of confusion. "Oh. I see."
"Can I ask you to tell me… what happened last night?"
His stare returned to his hot chocolate, eyes shifting and twitching, and he was biting his lip again.
"Oh my goodness…" she murmured. I did it, I really did that… Flirting, kissing, touching all those places… To her horror, she burst into crying, unable to stem the flow of tears and emotions—mostly guilt.
"You're crying." He jumped off his seat and hurried away from the table.
She couldn't blame him: he had once told her that they were intended to be romantically pairbonded and yet she had rejected that idea, rightfully she thought, since she was with Raj, and she had proposed that they be friends only, and yet here she was violating the boundaries between platonic friends, sending him mixed signals, even though she had a boyfriend… She shook her head. She had cheated on Raj. All her life she wanted to be accepted and cared for by somebody, and the very first person who did just that, she had betrayed.
"Here."
She opened her eyes to a stack of paper napkins. She gazed up at Sheldon, another tear rolling down her cheek, overwhelmed by the simple gesture. When she took the napkins, he sat in his chair again.
"Why are you crying?" he asked.
"I'm sorry." She cringed, dabbing at her face. "It's wrong of me to put you in this situation…"
"No, I-I… I only meant, that crying is a symptom of distress. If you inform me of what the cause of that said distress is, perhaps it could be remedied."
She gasped and clutched at her heart. Oh Sheldon… She wiped the remnants of her tears, feeling much happier than she should be feeling. "I haven't had anybody treat me like Raj does, and to think I'd do this to him—he's a nice guy and a really sweet boyfriend, but I… was with you, and I..."
"You're concerned that, while the two of us were alone in your apartment, you might've behaved in a manner that violates the order of your relationship with Raj," he said.
"Yes." She stopped wringing her hands and folded them on the table. "Please tell me what happened, so I'd know what to do about it."
"After you had that strange drink, you became too inebriated for it to be advisable to continue the night's affair and Penny was in the same state. Bernadette brought Penny to her apartment, and I escorted you to your home. In the cab you were… rather cozy…" she grimaced, and he continued, "But I've been informed that's a common side-effect of drunkenness. As we approached your apartment, you asked me if I wanted a nightcap, so we went in for Yoohoo. We conversed for a while."
He stopped talking. She waited for a few moments and when he didn't say anything more, she prodded: "Then? What else did I do?"
"What else did you do?" he echoed. He licked his lips and carefully said: "After we talked, that was it."
"That was what? What did I do?"
"You. You did nothing."
She frowned. "What?"
"Nothing," he repeated.
"But…" she massaged her temples. "I was so drunk… and my clothes, the buttons… I was in my room… and my pajamas—" she leaned forward, adjusting her extra pair of glasses. "So, I went into my room and changed before going to bed."
"A possibility…" he muttered, swirling his cup of hot chocolate.
"And my oven clock—"
"That was me," he admitted. "Once… you were in your room, I put away the glasses in the kitchen and noticed the time on your oven. It was driving me crazy so I changed it. I left afterwards."
"Nothing happened…" she murmured. He gulped down the rest of his drink. She sighed, a few tears escaping her eyes as she did.
"You're crying again," he observed, alarmed.
She hiccupped and hurriedly swiped at her wet cheeks, half-sobbing and half-laughing. "It's just… I shouldn't even have any doubts. After I had argued with him too… I'm a horrible girlfriend."
"No. You're not." Sheldon said.
"What are saying?" Her thoughts drifted to Counterfactuals and what he had told her previously. "A world where I showed up for our blind date, you work in primate addiction studies, Raj is nothing more than a friend you met through me, and we are together."
"It can be difficult to assess oneself and one's actions from one's point-of-view," he replied quietly. "Sometimes one… does things one shouldn't do. Or doesn't do things that one should do. And one wouldn't realize that unless one looks at oneself from somewhere else."
Perplexed by the turn of the conversation, she watched him wordlessly gaze at the lacquered table surface. He appeared to notice her and continued: "I can see your case is the opposite. You expect too much from yourself." He paused for a beat. "You're not a horrible girlfriend. You're an excellent girlfriend. And a wonderful woman."
"Sheldon!" Before she could stop herself, she had leaned over the table and flung her arms around his neck. "Thank you." He didn't say anything. She remembered herself and sprang back. "I'm sorry, I forgot that you…" She put on a broad smile. "Thank you, for everything. I should probably go now." She picked up her purse and walked away.
"Wait, Amy!"
She spun around in an instant. "Yes?" Her fingernails dug into her palm as her grip tightened around her purse strap; she looked expectantly at those clear blue eyes.
After what seemed like an eternity, he pointed at her cup on the table. "You left your hot chocolate."
"Oh." She exhaled the breath she had been unconsciously holding and grabbed the cup. "You're right. I should take that. By the way, Sheldon?" She tapped the spectacles she was wearing. "Did you see the glasses I wore last night? I must've misplaced them."
He tugged at the long sleeve of his inner shirt. "I did last night."
"I guess I dropped them somewhere." She nodded at him, then all but ran out of the coffee shop and back to her car.
The edge of her guilt had been dulled… and yet at the same time, she burned with a secret sense of shame. Sheldon was averse to all forms of human contact, it was ridiculous to imagine that he'd actually touch her. How could she even think that she alone, of all people, would be the exception? The clarification of the last night's events was like a splash of cold water that not only brought her back to her senses, but also sprouted a traitorous seed of disappointment in her heart. It was only a fantasy. How ridiculous.
"What was I thinking?!" she cried out loud as she turned a corner. I should be relieved! Nothing happened, that's a good thing. That should be all. But she mourned the imagined memories of heated kisses and an intimate embrace and blue eyes darkened with lust and nimble hands…
The car screeched to a stop when she slammed on the brakes. She clapped her hands over her nose and mouth, forcing herself to breathe slowly, pleading with her racing heartbeat to calm down. You're going to relax. You're going to go in there. You're going to be a good girlfriend. Even Sheldon thinks you can do it.
Head held high, she strode on her way to the Astronomy department with renewed determination. She flung open the door of the telescope room and Raj looked up from the monitor, startled. "Amy? What are you—"
Without a word, she crossed the room, pulled him by the collar of his shirt, and kissed him like she had never kissed him before. He was still but she persisted and he finally responded eagerly. They were both breathing hard when they broke apart.
"Wow, what—" his eyes widened when she rested a finger on his lips.
"Let's forget what happened last night." Then she pressed her lips to his once more. His arms wrapped around her waist as he kissed her back. She kissed him fiercely, trying to dismiss the stubborn voice in her head saying that kisses in reality would never be as sweet as the ones in her dreams.
Author's Notes: I know you have a lot of questions, and this chapter didn't have a lot of answers, but that's hardly the end of it. My needy greedy baby heart would like to thank reviewers. Also, sometimes people send me words of encouragement through one of Tumblr's message options but I don't have the means to reply (activate your asks!), but I'd like you guys to know that I appreciate it. You know who you are. I'd also like to thank dreamkj for giving this chapter a read-through.