A/N: Whew, busted out another long chapter...enjoy and review!
Chapter 14: In Which Several Items that Appear Useless are Proven Not to Be
"Wha…" Now it was Link's turn to be crestfallen. While Sei-an city wasn't made into a cursed zone, it was coated in thick, green mist that did not look good for the general health at all.
"NOOOO," Link lamented. "The city…what happened to my beautiful city…hot babes…bathing suits…clubs…"
Ammy wasn't sure what strange fantasies he'd had about the city, but he looked so depressed that she almost felt sorry for him. She went over to the Tool Dealer and bought some useless things because she had loads of money that she wanted to splurge, and thus ended up with Blinding Snow, Marlin Rod, Herbal Medicine, and Charcoal.
"Wow, you bought the most useless things on the market," Link said, but his argument sounded halfhearted. The state of his precious city had taken a huge toll on him.
They headed past city dwellers crawling along the floor in various states of agony and talked to one of the only people who didn't seem to be affected at all by the mist.
"Look at those weaklings," scoffed Naguri, the greatest carpenter in the world. "I can't afford to be weakened by something like this. You see that?" Naguri pointed to what looked like a giant stopper in the earth. "That there was caused by the Water Dragon. Made the whole lake plug up, just like that. Now, I can't be sitting around like those bums while there's digging to be done!" he said, as if it was the people's fault they chose to get sick. "Will you help me out, wolf?"
Naguri stared at Ammy and then said, "That looks like a yes to me!"
"What? What if I didn't want to help?" Ammy protested.
"C'mon, Ammy, anything to help the city spring back to life, right?" Link said, pushing her down the digging hole with Naguri. "Get to work then, Furbrain!"
"Damn you, Link," Ammy muttered, but she was getting used to this digging game, and the music was quite worth the effort.
Water flooded back into the city canals, and after a short-lived celebration Ammy and Link headed towards the Aristocratic Quarters. Link had gotten it into his head that Queen Himiko was responsible for the state of the city, and his old fighting spirit returned at the prospect of setting her straight.
They met Benkei, the greatest warrior-monk that ever lived, and he told them that he was in the middle of earning his 1000th sword.
"I have traveled far and wide challenging master swordsmen," Benkei said imperiously. "And 999 I have claimed by my own hand!"
Ammy wondered if Susano fell into the category of the 999 master swordsmen, but she didn't see Tsuki poking out from the warrior monk's pack.
"By claimed, do you mean stolen?" Link asked suspiciously.
"…ahem, well," said Benkei. "…I prefer the word claimed, you see, has a better connotation than stolen…ahem…ANYWAY," he went on, "I have yet to claim the last, the 1000th sword, but it would not do to have just any old sword. I must lay claim on the greatest of them all…THE LIVING SWORD! (butofcourseIhavetofishforit)"
"Was that another disclaimer I heard?" Ammy huffed.
"Oh my, you have the rod I seek! I didn't have enough money to pay for it! Give me that rod, Blinding Snow!" Benkei said, taking the rod away from Link.
Ammy helped Benkei fish for this elusive "Living Sword". As usual, it only took three tries for the momba jomba fish to show up, but it took three times as long to reel it in because the stupid Wii remote started acting up like it always did during fishing. But at last, they hurled the fish into the air, revealing a very skinny, very ugly, light blue fish known as the Cutlass Fish. Benkei appeared disappointed.
"Well what did he expect when he went fishing? And for something living, no less?" Ammy said to Link.
"This wasn't what I was expecting," Benkei sighed. "But I suppose I'll make this jigsaw bridge passable again." He sat heavily onto the bridge, which somehow made it rise back up to join its counterpart. Ammy and Link left him staring moodily into the lake and continued up the path to the Aristocratic Quarters, but were quickly interrupted again by the appearance of Waka.
"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in!" Waka said, grinning lazily. "What took you so long, ma cherie?"
"GAH!" said Link. "I thought you had finally died!"
"Sorry to disappoint you, my little bouncing friend," Waka said. "So, ma cherie, I see you still kept the pest with you. You could have left him drinking sake in Kamiki, and none would be the wiser."
Link jumped up and down angrily, bringing Waka's attention back to himself. "We still haven't forgotten what you did to us at the Moon Cave, ya know," he cried. "And why d'ya keep popping up everywhere we go, huh? I knew it, you ARE an evil stalker!"
Waka pretended to be affronted. "Excusez moi, but I have not time to follow you around. You see, I am looking for something—"
"HA! You hear that, Ammy? What a sorry excuse for a prophet, not even knowing where to find his own stuff!"
Ammy noticed that Waka had long since adapted the look of a person with endless patience dealing with someone unfortunately less intellectually gifted than himself whenever he talked to Link. "Well, perhaps 'look' isn't the right word. I already know where it is, it's just…getting there is proving to be a problem. You see, I want it quick and easy."
"SO YOU'RE BEHIND THE FUNKY MIST, YOU HALF-BAKED PORPHET! YOU'RE PLANNING WORLD DOMINATION, AREN'T YOU? YOU'RE IN CAHOOTS WITH QUEEN HIMIKO!"
Waka stared at Link for a while and then turned to Ammy. "Is he like this often, or only with me?" he asked.
"Hm…only with you, really," she admitted.
"I see," he mused, a wicked gleam in his eyes. Ammy suspected that he was having a lot more fun with this than he ever wanted to admit, and her inner fangirl squealed with joy. She was definitely writing a fanfic about this when she got back to the Celestial Plain.
"NO, ma cherie," Waka said, interrupting her brainwave of new ideas. "You are most definitely NOT writing a gay fanfic starring me. Perish the thought this instant."
She sighed heavily. Oh well, what Waka didn't know couldn't hurt him…
"Ma cherie, I told you to perish the thought," Waka reminded. "I've known you long enough to recognize that disturbing gleam in your eye. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes. You were only half wrong about the whole world conspiracy, my little bouncing friend. I seek a path to the other world…to the heavens."
"The heavens? What kinda place is that?" Link said. "I bet that's some crazy prophet euphemism for world domination, or something. Why don't you stop beating around the bush and let us know what's on your mind already!"
"That would be no fun, would it?" Waka smirked.
"GRAWGH!" sputtered Link.
"In any case, ma cherie, you should deal with this mist first. It is slowly but surely killing the people of this city. Wait too long and it's au revoir! No more night clubs and parties for you."
"DAMMIT, how'd you know about the night clubs?" Link spouted.
"I have a treat for you this time, my little bouncing friend," Waka said, ignoring Link's outburst. "Just a tip instead of a prophecy. Go through the hole in the wall, little ones!"
"What the hell," Link said, after an awkward moment of silence. "I think I preferred your prophecies. At least those made sense."
Waka coughed. "Well, how about I put it this way, then? Even the most solid defense has a tiny gap like the eye of a needle! Oh, you'll find out soon enough, anyway. Go on then, I think it's time for your conference with the priestess. I won't stop you." He winked at them and remained on the bridge instead of disapparating or flying off like he usually did.
They entered the building and met what appeared to be the priestess. She wore a light blue shawl over her hair and had huge red prayer beads around her neck. Probably the most noticeable part of her, though, was her breasts, which were insanely large and jiggled every time she talked, which was immensely distracting. Link was in heaven.
"Holy shitz, Ammy, this sister's STACKED!" he said.
"Erm, excuse me?" Rao said.
"You might want to use your whisper voice, Link," Ammy said.
"Ammy, lemme sit on your back, the view's better up there," Link said, ignoring her.
Ammy rolled her eyes. "Someday you're going to get arrested for molestation, and I'm not going to sympathize."
Rao, oblivious to the entire conversation, went on to talk to Ammy. "My, it's not every day a wolf comes to me for advice," she said. "These are hard times indeed. So what's troubling you, then?"
"Pretty much everything," Link said. "You know, the green mist, the Water Dragon—the usual works."
"The Fox Rods," Rao added, nodding her head wisely.
"Um, not, we don't know anything about the Fox Rods, Busty Babe."
"Oh, I'm sorry!" Rao said. "As you can see, the city is in a desperate situation. I believe the Fox Rods will help us, but it appears they were on the ship that the Water Dragon attacked. You have seen the sunken ship on Ryoshima Coast? That's the very one."
"Hey, I'd hate to see you and your two friends looking so sad!" Link said. "Don't worry, Ammy here's a god, she can make miracles happen! Ammy, show Busty Babe some of your divine powers."
Ammy drew a line from the candles to Link's hat.
"AMMY, NOT THE HAT!" he shouted, stamping it out on the ground with his feet. "OUCH OUCH OUCH, HOT HOT HOT!"
"Heh, that's what you get for being a perv," Ammy said.
"What remarkable powers you have, Amaterasu!" Rao said with delight. "Yes, they are just what I need…" You got that right, Ammy thought, thinking of all the perverts Rao could get rid of if only she had access to fire-burning powers. "Oh, but I still cannot do anything without my prayer slips…" She continued muttering to herself, and Ammy interrupted to ask, "What are prayer slips?"
"Just useful slips of paper that have strange drawings on them to ward off evil spirits," Rao answered. "I will need them if we plan on raiding the sunken ship."
"TREASURE?" Link said, holding his hat, which now had smoking holes in it. "If it's treasure, I'm in!"
Ammy dragged Link away to find Rao's prayer slips and promptly brought them back. She wasn't sure how they got near the Emperor's Palace, but she had long since decided not to question the mysterious ways of the universe.
"Alright, to the Moon Turret, Amaterasu!" Rao said. "The tide will only recede when the moon can be seen from the Moon Turret!"
So they headed back out along Ryoshima Coast to the Moon Turret, where they waited silently until nightfall. This was another instance where having Yumigami's power would have been useful, but since Ammy ate Yumigami, they had no choice but to wait.
When at last the moon shone down onto the ship, the tide receded and the trio jumped down to board the sunken ship. Rao threw one of her prayer slips at the barrier and it dissolved. Three ghosts blocked the stairway, but unfortunately Rao only had two more prayer slips left.
"Oh dear, I seem to have run out of prayer slips, Amaterasu," she said.
"Good thing I have my endless supply of infinite paper!" Ammy replied, and Rao took some to chuck at the last ghost.
Link scoffed. "Wow, it actually came in handy."
"It's better than you and your wand," Ammy retorted. "Name one thing your wand can do that me and my items can't!"
"It can raise wind!" Link cried.
"Galestorm."
"It can transport me places in a giant cyclone!"
"Mermaid Coins."
"Well…Well…" sputtered Link, who was having trouble casting about for counterarguments. "It can…It can…It can turn night into day!"
Ammy yawned. "Old news," she said, and to prove her point she made the sun come out and water flooded the ship again.
Ammy grinned wolfishly at Link, who was thoroughly defeated. "I just won the useless item contest!" she sang. A scoreboard scrolled down the screen, reading: PAPER: 1. WAND: 0.
"You'll see, my wand'll do something amazingly useful that you can't do, and then you'll be sorry!" Link retorted lamely, trying to salvage some of his pride.
"How about summoning some sake to start?" Ammy suggested innocently. "I know how tragic it is for you to have your pride broken."
"Oh shut up," he snapped sourly. "I'm an conductor, not a wizard."
They traveled into a new chamber where a strange and creepy green hand tried to squish them. Ammy rolled the barrel across the water, but she fell in a couple times and she freaked out because a creepy green face slid under her like it was going to eat her or something. The barrel hooked onto the other side, and they hopped up back to the room where the sky showed through and waited for nightfall once more. The water receded again, and Ammy and the gang continued on through the room with the creepy face. She was about to creep around it when she noticed a spiky barrel and got a nasty idea.
"Ammy…" Link sighed. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Mwahaha, die, sucker," Ammy chuckled darkly as she rolled the spiky barrel over the monster's face. It was very satisfying.
"Does she do this often?" Rao asked Link in a disturbed sort of whisper.
When Ammy was finished tormenting the monster, they headed back to the room with the cannon, where, much to Link's immense relief and Ammy's disappointment, she had to use cherry bombs to blast holes in the wall. Ammy found the exorcising arrow and went down the hallway where Rao threw another piece of paper at the barrier. They opened the chest in the middle of the room, Rao nearly exploding with anticipation. But instead of the Fox Rods, they found something much more useless.
"Is that a mushroom?" Link said.
"Nice," said Ammy. "A giant mushroom that bounces."
Which was pretty much what it did.
Of course, Rao had to ruin Ammy's excitement. "It's the Lucky Mallet," she said, clearly disappointed. "It shrinks people."
"I'll add it to my useless item collection, then," Ammy said, and they left the ship. The Water Dragon chased them to shore, scaring Rao off, much to Link's chagrin (since both of them had to ride on Ammy's back together, and that was the closest Link had ever been to a babe in this lifetime). Suddenly the mushroom mallet popped out of their grasp and started bounding away.
"Hey! No treasure escapes me like that!" Link cried indignantly. "After it, Ammy!"
Ammy chased it all the way to the Emperor's Palace, where she cornered it by a little hole in the wall where the ugly green mist poured out.
"HA! We've got you cornered now, you mushroom!" Link said, advancing on the mallet with his wand drawn. "I'm gonna sell you to some greedy merchant, and…and…"
Apparently, the mallet did not appreciate being threatened, since it whacked him on the head and sent him flying through the hole in the wall. The mallet turned on Ammy next. She gulped.
"Hey, I wasn't the one who said anything…" she began, but the mallet said in a mushy sort of voice, "Yeah, but he's useless by himself."
"Good point," said Ammy, and the mallet gently tapped her on the head, making her shrink to the size of a dust mote and sending her through the hole in the wall after Link.
A/N: Yeah, I bet you all forgot about the whole paper thing, didn't you? Of course I'd bring it back, heheh. And you've got to admit, the Lucky Mallet does look like a mushroom...or maybe an upturned burlap sack or something. Not a mallet. But that's all beside the point. I think what I'm trying to say here is: Don't forget to review!