To Logan's perspective, time had the distinct quality of both speeding up and slowing down, mostly due to the fact he'd lived at least two lifetimes already. He was entirely capable of losing himself for weeks at a time either because he'd entered some kind of Zen mindset or he was deliberately forcing himself into denial (and he was very good at ignoring things he didn't want to deal with). He'd passed time in Japan visiting places he now remembered and when he'd gotten restless roaming the islands he'd gone to Madripoor. Yukio had been more than happy to come with him, not having anything more pressing to do, and for a time he'd managed to keep himself occupied there.
He was sitting in the small, dingy back office of the Princess Bar one day, feet up on the desk while he blew cigar smoke rings up at the ceiling and listened to the radio. Belle had gotten satellite radio for her niece so it wasn't just the local stations in a polyglot of languages; there were quite a few available from Europe and North America if that appealed more. He flipped through her presets, wrinkling his nose at the predominance of pop and hip hop which pretty much equated to "noise" in his mind, before he came to a station playing the end of Pink Floyd's "Brick in the Wall."
The DJ started talking about music news, Metallica's latest flop being the first story, and when he heard Teva's name he sat up, feet touching the ground again.
"Mutant rock star Teva Lawson, former lead singer of the all-female metal band Antiheroine, recently announced she's putting out a solo album, as yet untitled," the DJ was saying. "Joining her are Cherry Hammersmith on bass, and Aardwulf, former drummer for Stellar Echo. Lawson was involved with Stellar Echo's guitarist Evan Anderson back during their Staring Down tour."
"It's a bit of a departure from what I did with Antiheroine." Teva's voice flowed out of the speakers, her brogue rolling over the R's and creating music out of her words. Logan felt a brief pain in his chest when he heard it. "Certainly it's very guitar driven, true to the rock music that made me famous in the first place, but there are several acoustic songs as well. This time around I was more focused on the words and the emotions I was trying to get across."
The DJ came back on. "When asked if she was worried about backlash regarding her status as homo sapiens superior, Lawson said, 'What's the point? Either people will enjoy the music or they won't, that's all that matters.' Look for the album in September of this year."
Logan sat forward, surprised to find his hands shaking when he placed them on the desk in front of him, covering the ledger book he'd been looking over. He still thought about Teva, couldn't do anything else sometimes, especially when he called to catch up with Ororo at the Institute. The African goddess never brought her up unless he asked, which he'd started doing more often, but she hadn't mentioned what Teva was doing musically. He mostly just wanted to make sure she was healing properly from the run-in with Creed. He'd been a little surprised to find out she'd retained the healing factor she'd mimicked, though it operated at a much lower capacity than his own, but he was glad he'd been able to give her something that stuck. Something that would do more than just hurt her.
Dammit. He pushed himself to his feet, stalking out to the bar where he poured himself a drink. The usual crowd was around on a weeknight, everyone steadily getting drunk under Belle's watchful eye.
"You don't look so good, Logan." Belle had aged rather gracefully despite her adult life spent in Lowtown, which was never kind to its denizens, but then again, Belle could handle herself, she was tougher than she looked. She wore her now-white hair in a tight chignon, her body still slender in black pants and a maroon top.
"Mmmm." He downed the drink, Belle's "special brew" that only the two of them could drink without falling on their asses, and also one of the few things that could get him truly plastered. He poured himself another and enjoyed the buzz. "'M fine, Belle."
"Maybe you can lie to yourself, sweetie, but not to me. Known you long enough to know when you're not being truthful." She pulled the pitcher towards herself along with a glass, filling it flawlessly without taking her green eyes off of him. "You've been in a blue funk ever since you showed up here, never seen you so miserable."
"I don't wanna talk about it, Belle. Leave off." He leaned against the bar facing the rows of bottles and the mirrored wall, back to the room. He tugged his cowboy hat lower over his eyes. He knew unless he walked, though, that she'd keep at him. She'd just take her sweet time about it and all he wanted to do was just forget about it.
Sure enough she was quiet for a while, serving patrons, teasing and flirting with the two old timers who were in every night. She breezed back behind the bar to pour herself another drink, wiping up a spill on the back counter. "Talk, old man."
"Dammit." He sighed, glaring at the pitcher they'd emptied. When she produced another from the refrigerated case and poured for him he grunted in approval. "Just lettin' somethin' bother me that I need to get the hell over." He'd made the decision to walk away, hadn't he? Why did he keep second-guessing himself? Why did one young woman keep haunting him?
"Oh, honey, get your heart broken and you aren't gonna just get over it."
Logan stared at her over the rim of his glass. "Yukio?" he asked.
"Nah, just a woman's intuition." Belle smiled. "Well, Yukio did tell me about it but I'd figured it out before she said anything. And I don't believe you're as blameless in the whole thing as she swears you are."
"No one's ever blameless." Plenty of that to go around and most of it was his. He brought his cigar up to his mouth and sucked on it.
Belle touched his arm, gave him a squeeze. "Ever think about patching things up?"
Spicy smoke trickled from his lips. "It's been too long, Belle. Girl hates my guts now and like I told her, she's better off without me. All I'm gonna do is end up gettin' her killed 'fore her time, one o' the few things I seem to be good at."
"So what, just 'cause your life is dangerous that means you can't fall in love?"
"I can fall in love, I just can't do anything about it."
"You even give the girl a choice? Or did you just walk off being all stoic and shit like you know better just 'cause you're old as dirt?"
Logan glared at her and pulled his arm away. "I told her she was better off and she told me to walk away."
Belle arched one eyebrow and snorted, taking a drink. "'Spect maybe she knew she'd be better off not arguing with you. As much bullshit as you come up with I don't think I'd wanna deal with it, either."
"Thanks, Belle, real nice talkin' to ya." He jerked upright and stalked towards the back room again. Belle said something to her niece about watching the bar for a moment before she followed him. "'Less ya got somethin' useful to say I don't wanna hear it."
"Seen you do a lot of stupid shit in the past, Logan, but right now this is taking the cake. Last time I saw you this far gone over a girl you were gonna marry her, what the hell is different this time?"
The obvious mention of Mariko made him bare his teeth at Belle in anger. "Difference is I know who I am now, I know that every woman I've ever made the mistake of fallin' for has ended up dead an' I don't want her to be the next."
"Seems to me she's the one made the mistake of falling in love with a guy who didn't give her a choice, who made the decision to end it for her." Belle crossed her arms beneath her breasts and stared at him. "Tell me, Logan, how that's fair."
She didn't understand, no one did. No one else saw the world the way he did, no one else had seen his past. "Fair don't matter -"
"Like hell it doesn't. Bet I'm the first one who's called you on it 'cause I know sure as hell Yukio wouldn't, she'll just take advantage of the fact you're hurting so she can pretend you're hers again." She strode forward and poked him in the chest with a long-nailed finger. "She told me all about it, about how your girl damn near got herself killed saving your sorry hide and you barely waited a day to tell her it was over. 'Course Yukio made her the villain of the tale but I see right through you, Logan."
He grabbed her wrist, held her hand away from him. "Ya don't know what the hell yer talkin' about, Belle." He was having trouble hanging on to his temper, wanted to lash out.
"At least admit that it's not me you're angry with right now."
Logan let her go abruptly and stalked away towards the back door, he needed to get out of the small, confined space. "Ain't gonna apologize to ya." The ripe scent of Lowtown hit him like a slap in the face but it was better than smelling the disappointment from her.
He heard her voice, quiet on his heels. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to."
The words clung to his ears as he left, his hands shoved into his pockets so he wouldn't be tempted to use them, do something destructive with them. It was an impulse he barely had control over these days, his rage simmering so close to the surface that he woke up some days not quite sure who was in control, the man or the beast. He warred with the darker part of him for dominance every second of every day, something he hadn't had to do since the Hudsons had found him wandering around Alberta so many years ago and taught him how to be a human being again, gave him the compassion he hadn't had for so long. He'd called them and talked to Heather, let her know what had happened with the info Jimmy had given him, though he'd been terse with the rest of the fallout. The redhead he'd once loved more than a sister had offered refuge that he thanked her politely for.
It was a short walk back to the run-down boarding house where he and Yukio were shacking up while in Madripoor. She'd be out at this time of day, getting involved in things she shouldn't be involved in, but as long as she didn't bring trouble back with her she could do whatever the hell she pleased. She'd show up sometime, likely with dinner, and then talk his ear off. Sometimes he missed the prolonged silences he'd gotten with Teva, the ability she had to not need to speak either out loud or across the link, there'd been many times where they'd curl up on the bed or the couch and just read. He remembered one lazy afternoon where he laid his head in her lap and dozed while she read with one hand stroking his head, damn near making him purr with contentment.
The memory dragged a pained growl from him. He didn't want to be cooped up right now so he turned before he got to the boarding house, headed for the docks where he could look out on the bay. Just as all of his past was constantly on his mind, Teva was a close second. He'd thought he'd finally moved on until he'd started dreaming about her, about them, about their experience together inside of his head. He dreamed about how brave she'd been, how far she'd carried him until it almost killed her, how she'd known it would likely kill her and she'd done it anyway. And in the end she'd given him a reason to keep going when he faltered.
A few times he'd pulled out his cell phone where he still had her on speed dial but he never called. What would he even say? "I'm sorry you almost died for me and I walked away from that"? He could imagine the hail of curses she'd rain on him for that, for even thinking it let alone calling her to say it. He wasn't sure if he wanted to do it more because he was genuinely remorseful or because he wanted to make himself feel better, to ease the guilt that ate him up as surely as anything else he'd ever done wrong. Her face first and foremost haunted him but instead words of accusation all she did was look at him, golden eyes wide to keep tears from spilling. He'd only seen her cry a handful of times, she had to get very upset before she got to that point, but only once had it ever been because he'd hurt her.
Yukio kept telling him he'd made the right decision and at first he'd been willing to hear that, to think that Teva had just as much blame as he did. Kurt had been the voice of reason, there, when he'd called the man who was his best friend. The German hadn't been at the mansion when everything had happened, off in England instead with Excalibur, but he offered advice when asked. And he told Logan that he hadn't given Teva a chance, hadn't accepted the great gift that God (in Kurt's eyes) had bestowed upon him despite all the bad Logan had done in his life. Teva had merely been protecting herself, knowing that she had a long and painful recovery ahead of her that didn't include rehabilitating Logan's psyche. Kurt would never lie to him, not even to save him grief, and he needed someone who was going to be honest with him. Kurt had even urged him to call her to make amends, something he still couldn't bring himself to do.
What good would it do? He was still incredibly fucked up even if he did finally remember everything; sometimes he thought he'd known more about himself before he'd gotten all of his memories back. It was all still a jumble in his head, a mess that even meditation was doing nothing to help him put into order. The only way he could put any timeline on any of it was by the benchmark of wars, the five he'd fought in being the most prominent, the easiest to pick out and pin down. Missions with Team X were harder to place since he'd been mind-wiped after each one, like those people on that TV show, something about dolls ...
He snorted, shaking his head at the absurdity of the shit that popped into his head sometimes. Around him, the denizens of Madripoor - descendants of the pirates who'd used the island as a hideout and smuggling point - went about their work on the docks, speaking in myriad languages that he understood clearly. There was the usual good-natured ribbing between co-workers, shop talk and cursing when something went wrong. It was all so terribly natural, so completely mundane, and it was the only thing normal in his life right now.
Logan drew his hands out of his pockets and looked at them. Small for a man but right for his build, rough and dark with time spent in the sun just like the rest of his body, hairy on the backs with blunt fingers that ended in short fingernails. Three divots just below his knuckles on the back of either one where his claws came out and, if he pressed hard enough, he could feel scar tissue there built up from years of abuse. His mouth quirked as he remembered the time he drank enough to pass out on the back veranda of the mansion and Jubilee and Kitty painted his nails pink. Another normal thing, the kind of thing a couple of kids would do to an older brother.
Jubilee had told him off before he'd left but then she'd hugged him fiercely. She knew him well enough to know he needed to get away, something he appreciated about her for all she annoyed the piss out of him half the time, calling him "Wolvie" and being a general pain-in-the-ass. He missed her, missed his life back the mansion, even missed the X-Men as the family he'd somehow become a part of.
That was a kick in the pants, really, to a guy like him. And for someone who noticed every little thing around them, they'd snuck up on him, brought him into the fold, the black sheep who'd needed no one and nothing to tie him down. He'd never had that with Alpha Flight as close as he'd been to the Hudsons.
He could go back to Westchester, no one there would turn him away. Not even Teva would begrudge him his place there.
Slowly he was beginning to realize that his teammates, his friends, would help him get through this. None of them had ever turned him out, not even seeing the things he was capable of, and here he was running around like a flaming idiot doing the 'woe-is-me' routine. It was ridiculous, like he was some emo teenager who needed a good kick in the pants to make him realize how damn good he had it.
Logan shoved his hands back in his pockets and left the docks, heading once more for the boarding house. It wasn't home, wasn't even close, and suddenly he wanted to go back to Japan. He needed to go there anyway, to visit M'iko like he did every year. From there ... who knew?