Chapter 14

Reagan drove like she knew the directions. We got to the store and got out one-by-one.

Amy held my hand the whole time but I could tell I was acting weird. I knew she'd notice so I tried to be more like myself.

"The lake is beyond beautiful," I said.

"I need to explore," Amy seemed unaffected by my strangeness. "I read all this stuff online about the best views and the best places to get a shot or to swim." It was hard for me to hear the word I from her. Before she left, we had always been a we.

"Are they hard to get to?"

"Umm, not that I know of. The reviews online did mention that you can drive most of the way in both cases but there is definitely some hiking involved."

"Oh," I said, trying to keep her talking.

I was suddenly shockingly aware of the fact that she wasn't holding my hand. I couldn't place when it was that she let go.

But I hated it too much.

I got quiet again.

"They have this lake called Fallen Leaf Lake and I guess you have to like park off the road and hike up into the trees aways to get to it."

"You okay?" I heard Reagan ask from my opposite side. Amy stopped talking.

"Yeah," I lied.

We all exchanged looks though.

It was odd. Reagan was the one noticing, not Amy.

"What?" Amy asked.

"Nothing," Reagan said, taking my hand in hers and holding it loosely.

Whoa… That's all I can think.

"Why don't you go on ahead," Reagan said to Amy.

"Why?"

"It's okay, Amy," I said. I wanted to talk to her, really.

"Okay…" Amy seemed confused. She caught up with the other two girls and I watched from behind. Reagan stayed quiet until Amy was just out of earshot.

"Okay, what the hell's going on with you?" The way Reagan talked was kind of abrasive and direct. Sure, it was hot and I understood why Amy liked her so much but shit something about her approach definitely frazzled me.

"What? Whatdoyoumean?" I asked nervously, all my words jumbling together. But I knew it was strange. I knew I was different.

"You know what I mean Karma, you never act like this, especially with Amy."

"Act like what?" It's not like Amy even noticed so how different could I really be acting?

"Quiet? Lost? Scared?" There were a number of words to describe me apparently.

"Oh," I said, sort of confessing it. Reagan stopped so that I would stop too. In the distance I could see Amy looking back nervously right before going inside.

"Look at me," Reagan asked, turning my chin with her hand. "What's going on?"

"I-I dunno," I said, finally confessing it. Once I saw her eyes though all my defenses sort of melted away. "I'm scared." It was easy. "What if this is a bad idea? I sort of kissed someone while Amy was gone. A girl."

"Haley?" Of course Reagan knew. Why wouldn't Amy tell Reagan every damn thing about my life?

"Yeah," I said, half annoyed and half relieved. "But it wasn't just that, we almost…"

"Whoa…"

"Yeah… I stopped it but. I sorta. I wanted it. Only…"

"What?" Reagan had no idea.

"I wanted it with someone else…"

"Liam?" Reagan asked.

"No." I began to laugh. My hand felt sweaty in hers. I swung both of our hands between us and stared down at them. "Amy," I said, too nervous to really stare long at Reagan's reaction and too happy to really feel shame.

"Oh," Reagan said, swallowing the answer though she obviously didn't love it too much.

"I don't want to play with her," I said.

"I don't think you have a choice," Reagan answered, searching me with her eyes. "Look… She's been good on this trip but mostly she's been sad and missing you. Whatever is going on with you is going to come out eventually. There's no sense in trying to hold it back or pretend it isn't there."

"I'll kill myself if I chase her away. I'm not strong enough."

"You're plenty strong Ashcroft. You just don't want to see it."

I didn't know really how to take that.

"Tell Amy how you feel. Tell her what you told me, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed.

"And we don't have to be enemies," she smiled. "We never did."

"I know," I said, but it always seemed like all our nothing between her and I, even from the start.

Reagan began walking toward the store and I followed so she wouldn't have to drag me.

"It's pretty hot you kissed some other girl. I thought for sure you were straight," she laughed. "Amy's a catch, ya know?"

"I know." Believe me. Please. I thought.

No one ever believed that I loved her. Even before when it was just this abnormally strong friend-type of love. People always thought I was just using her and that was never ever ever something I wanted to do. People just don't know us. They don't know what we've always been to each other, for each other. It's complicated now, letting other people into us.

"Okay when she asks you what we talked about just tell her I wanted to know her favorite song."

"Okay," I laughed. It was an odd thing but I guess Reagan was right, Amy would ask me what we talked about. She was protective that way.

We got near Amy, who was sizing up the tubs of ice cream.

"You two done with your little meeting?" Amy asked bitterly. She continued to stare at the ice cream tubs and ignore us for the most part.

"She's all yours, tiger," Reagan teased. "I'm gonna go check on the chip aisle."

Reagan turned and left. My hand felt lonely without hers.

"What was all that?" Amy asked.

"Nothing," I said, walking close to Amy and taking her hand. "She just wanted to know about your favorite songs."

"Really?" Amy laughed. "That's weird. Oh shit, they're probably fucking planning something."

"Like what?" It was cute to see her stress out.

"They've been trying to get me to sing on stage."

"Yikes," I said. Amy didn't like stuff like that, it made her nervous.

"Tell me about it."

I leaned into her, loving the way she felt.

"Seriously though? That's all she said?"

"She may have noticed I wasn't in the best of spirits."

"What do you mean?" Amy looked at me.

"I- I've been acting a little strange."

"You're always strange," she smiled.

"Shut up," I laughed.

"I told her about Haley and about something I haven't told you yet."

"Oh," Amy said. I could tell that made her nervous. "Anything I should be worried about? I have to admit, when you told me you kissed some other girl I sort of freaked out."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I mean.. Of course I did. Here you'd been telling me you were straight and then you kissed some other girl and suddenly you were feeling things?"

"Amy, it wasn't-"

"I know whatever happened you didn't mean for it but think about it. That would mean it wasn't even ever about me being a girl but more about me being this totally unattractive person in your life."

"Fuck, Amy, that is just so far from the-"

"But you have to look at it from my point of view Karma…" She interrupted, nearly yelling.

I got it. I got it. I tried to calm. I'd upset her. On accident, I made her think...

I was the worst. I was the worst at telling the truth and the worst at telling a lie.

"Fuck, Amy, I am soo so so so sorry… Not only is that untrue, I mean, you're a fucking bombshell and I almost died when you surprised me at that threesome, and I never told you that either, but, it's something I never thought you could think. I never thought you would ever think the only reason we didn't work was because you weren't attractive enough. Fuck." I felt like scratching my skin off. I rubbed my face with my hands, dragging my nails to alleviate the discomfort.

At some point I had taken my hand away. Or had she done it first?

We stood apart awkwardly.

"So why did you kiss her?" Amy asked, needing to know.

"It doesn't matter, Amy. It really doesn't matter."

"No. It matters. Why did you?"

I realized I was staring back at her, filled with guilt, and crossing my arms. I let my arms fall. "She reminded me of you, dummy." I could feel the tears coming. I had to wonder how a quick grocery trip could turn into this heart to heart nightmare. "You were gone and I missed you and she just really really reminded me of you."

To my relief, Amy laughed at that.

"God Amy. You are so attractive. So many people find you attractive. I never thought…"

"It doesn't matter if other people find me attractive Karma. If Felix or Liam want to kiss me that can never be the same as you wanting to kiss me."

She wasn't looking away. She was staring right at me. It was too real.

"God," I laughed, looking up at the horrible lights as tears bit at my eyes. "Why are we talking about this in a grocery store again?" I teased.

How could I not think? I didn't know her as well as I thought I did. Of course she had to think…

"I dunno," Amy said, shaking her head and walking off.

I followed slowly, unsure of what to say.

Reagan caught a glimpse of us. I watched her smile drop when she noticed we still weren't happy.

I sped up to hold Amy's arm and her hand.

"You really thought I wasn't into you?"

"I had to think it," Amy said. "You wanted me to think it. I had to think it."

"But you knew," I said stopping her.

"What?"

"You knew when we kissed at the threesome. You knew I felt you."

"I dunno. Maybe," Amy said, dodging my eyes. I suddenly couldn't contain how happy I was to have her physically in front of me again.

"Hey," I said. I needed her to know she wasn't crazy. I perched up on my toes, reaching up and pulling her in to kiss me. I watched her eyes close as she accepted me. I felt my eyes shut tight and twitch as the feelings rushed into me again, the feelings I hadn't been letting in all of this time. Now they were a rush, so instant, so strong. I pulled her arm around me and kissed her slowly. My body loosened up as she tasted me back.

In the kiss I was lost to her.

But then I heard whistling from somewhere off to the side. Amy's mouth turned up into a smile since she knew who the noises were coming from. It was the other girls.

I fell into Amy's body and rest eyes on her skin, embarrassed.

"Come on," she whispered. "Let's get this over with."

"K," I said compliantly. I could prove it if she needed me to. I could prove it and prove it and prove it. That'd be perfectly fine.