Chapter 14
June 2018
I rush forward to gather Hunter in my arms and hold him tightly. I inhale his earthy smell deeply and feel his heart beating steadily. I never thought I would get to hold him like this again.
"I've missed you," I say.
Hunter looks confused as I pull back slightly to look at his face. His brown hair is slightly mussed from sleep and I count the number of freckles across his nose. There are so many tiny details I have forgotten like the tiny flecks of blue in his otherwise grey eyes.
"I've only been asleep, Mum. We played Minecraft together last night," he says.
I smile as I smooth down some of his hair. I don't think I have missed any of his life. I seem to have come back to the day I left him. I have replayed the last night I spent with him over and over in my head and I can still remember building a wizard castle on that computer game. I'm back in the house I shared with Gale but most importantly I am back with my son.
"I know. It just felt like I had a really long sleep last night," I reply.
Hunter still looks confused but then looks down at the Thor action figure in his hand.
"I dropped Thor and now part of his helmet broke off," he says despondently.
I smile kindly at him as I take the toy off him.
"I can fix that," I say. "But first, how about we make pancakes?"
A grin spreads across Hunter's face as he nods eagerly. I offer him my hand and he lets me take him down to the kitchen.
I savour every moment as we make pancakes together in the kitchen. I flick some flour in Hunter's direction and my heart leaps with joy when I hear his childish laugh again. I spend a good amount of time just studying him. I smile when I see him stick his tongue out while he concentrates on mixing and laugh when he does his impression of the Hulk.
I'm not sure what has brought me back to this life. My other life felt too real to be a dream and maybe I was always supposed to come back at some point. Maybe my redo life was supposed to teach me something. For all I changed Prim still died. And now I'm back I remember exactly what was good about this life. And he's standing beside me making pancakes now.
I lean in to place a kiss on Hunter's head and then place my hand on his shoulder to look at our handiwork.
"We're a pretty good team, munchkin," I say.
Hunter nods his head.
"You're a pretty awesome mum," Hunter replies.
I listen to Hunter eagerly as he talks about his favourite Marvel superhero moments and laugh when he almost falls off his chair as he re-enacts one of the scenes. But eventually we have to finish and he asks whether Gale is coming home today.
As much as I am enjoying being back with my son there are still some hard things I have to deal with now that I'm back. When I left I had sent Gale away to his parents after I had caught him kissing Madge. Having lived another life I now know that Gale and I were never meant to get married. Our ambition would have always driven us apart and there are two other people out there that we loved more. I know this is a bad marriage and can't be fixed. But it's still not going to be easy to tell this to Gale.
I message him, asking him to come over, and Hunter greets him with a big smile when he arrives.
"Mum and I made pancakes this morning, Dad. You missed out," Hunter says.
Gale smiles at him.
"I'm sorry I missed it but your Granny needed some help," he replies.
Hunter shrugs his shoulders.
"Next time we'll make enough for you," he says.
Gale looks to me but I quickly look away. I can't quite forget that this Gale betrayed me so even though I know it can't work, it still hurts.
"Can you read me another chapter of Harry Potter? Ginny has just been taken to the Chamber of Secrets and I want to know how Harry saves her," Hunter asks.
Gale keeps looking at me for a moment but realises I'm not giving anything away right now. He looks back at Hunter and nods his head.
"That sounds exciting. You go and get the book," he says.
Hunter nods his head and then dashes upstairs to retrieve it. I finally turn to look back at Gale.
"We'll talk after you've had some time with Hunter," I say.
Gale nods his head solemnly and then Hunter comes back waving the book. Gale follows our son through to the living room and the two of them sit closely together on the sofa while I head into the kitchen to finish tidying up.
I let Gale enjoy this time with Hunter because I know that after our conversation he won't get to see him as much.
Finally Hunter gets bored of Harry Potter and then goes up to his room to play with his Avengers figures. Gale turns to me looking apologetic and I make my way over to take a seat opposite him.
"Look. I'm sorry about yesterday. It was a stupid mistake and I shouldn't have yelled at you after. It didn't mean anything to me," Gale starts.
"Mistakes don't happen twice. You kissed her at my birthday too. I think it's time we're honest with each other," I reply.
Gale shakes his head fiercely.
"They were just kisses, Katniss. We can fix this. I want to be here for you and Hunter," he says.
I surprise him by reaching out and taking his hand. I give it a little squeeze.
"This can't be fixed, Gale. And it's not even really about the kisses. Kissing Madge is just the catalyst needed to spark this conversation. We're not happy, Gale," I say.
"You can't just want to give up. We've been through too much together," he says.
I shake my head.
"We should have never got married. The main reason we got married is because we thought it would bring stability to Hunter's life not because we loved each other. We haven't loved each other in a long time," I admit.
Gale hangs his head.
"We blame each other for not succeeding in the way we wanted to and nearly every conversation we have ends in an argument. It's not healthy, Gale. I'm so tired of being unhappy," I add.
Gale pulls his head back up to look at me and there is only sadness in his eyes.
"What are you saying?" he asks.
"I want a divorce, Gale," I say.
Gale hangs his head in defeat but I give his hand another squeeze.
"I want us both to be happy again but that's not with each other. We were once best friends and I really hope in time that we can get back to that," I say.
Gale nods his head slowly.
"Okay," he says.
He then takes a long breath and turns his head to look up the stairs.
"How do we tell Hunter?" he asks.
"We'll do it together. But it's the one part I wish we didn't have to do," I reply.
Gale nods his head and we both get up to call Hunter down. We sit him down between us and explain the situation to him. Confusion and pain cloud his eyes and I wrap my arm around him to hold him close.
"We both still love you and you'll still see Dad lots," I say.
Gale nods his head.
"I'm still going to be your Avengers partner and finish Harry Potter with you. You are the most important guy in my life," he adds.
Hunter snuggles in closer to me and looks between us.
"I don't want you to go," Hunter says.
Gale nods his head sadly.
"I need to go. I don't like arguing with your mum so I'm going to get my own house," he replies.
Hunter hangs his head and I place a kiss on top of it. This is going to take him a while to get used to.
"I think Dad can stay one last night. You can choose to do whatever you want," I say.
Gale smiles gratefully at me and Hunter nods his head. He ponders this for a moment before suggesting we build some of the Star Wars Lego he got for his birthday. Gale and I agree to help him and it feels like a huge relief to have finally got to this place with Gale. With the pressure of trying to hold a marriage together now off we have the best night together in a long time. Neither of us nag or moan at each other and we just enjoy the company of our son.
Hunter is a bit weepy the next morning when Gale leaves and I contemplate keeping him off school but decide in the end it's best to keep things as normal as possible. I do speak with his teacher though as I drop him off, explaining the situation and telling her to give me a call if he gets really upset.
I then head into work at the doctor's surgery and Glimmer greets me enthusiastically.
"Good morning, Katniss. How was your weekend? Mine was amazing! My boyfriend won that sevens rugby tournament and then we all got drunk on the bus back. I almost didn't make it to pole dancing lessons the next morning!" she exclaims.
I smile and nod my head at Glimmer. Before I would have barely tolerated her and her endless stories but I now realise that was partly because I was jealous of her. I was jealous that she seemed to be living a much more exciting life than mine. But I now realise that it was my own fault for not achieving as much as I could have in this life.
My redo life has shown me that I could have chosen a different job. I may not be qualified for my dream job at the sustainability company but I could have looked for jobs that were more suited for my interest. Low entry jobs at parks or eco-companies would have kept me more engaged than the job I hold here.
And there is nothing stopping me from joining some of the classes I tried in my redo life. I can make the time and find a babysitter for Hunter to go and learn Spanish and beer making. I need to stop blaming Gale and Hunter for my lack of success and be more proactive about my future.
That evening, after Hunter goes to bed, I look online and start applying for jobs that actually interest me. I send off three applications and feel a sense of satisfaction. I even start looking up evening classes and hope Gale will be okay with looking after Hunter one night a week while I go to one.
As the week goes by I feel more content in this life. I send off more job applications and contact the lawyer about the divorce. Gale says he doesn't want a fight and I'm hoping that the whole thing can be done as quickly and as painlessly as possible. If I hadn't lived my other life I think I would have held more resentment to Gale for how he betrayed me and things would have grown even more bitter between us. Hunter would have probably got caught in the middle of it and we would have all been miserable. But I had seven years to come to terms with the fact Gale and I weren't right for each other in my other life. There's no point for me to hold grudges.
Hunter is quieter than usual that week and he often wanders around the house as if he is seeking Gale. But he is excited when Gale takes him bowling on Thursday night and I have to hope that in time he will get used to Gale not being around every evening.
There is still one loose end I need to tie up. While Gale takes Hunter to bowling I call Madge and invite her for a drink.
She looks awful when she arrives at the local pub. The make-up doesn't quite hide the bags underneath her eyes and she has just tied her hair in a limp pony tail. She begins her apologies before she has even sat down.
"Katniss, I'm so sorry. I've spent this entire week hating myself for what I've done to you and your family. There is absolutely no excuse for what I did. I had two selfish moments and I've been regretting them ever since. That's why I stopped messaging you as much because I felt so guilty and I tried to distance myself from Gale," she says.
I let her get it all out of her system before speaking. I know I should be angry at her for what she's done but I came to terms a long time ago that Gale and I weren't right for each other. And my other life showed me how perfect Madge is for him. I'm not sure I believe in soul mates but I don't think there is anything Madge could have done to stop developing feelings for him.
"How long have you been in love with him?" I ask.
Madge looks startled and shakes her head rapidly.
"I'm not in love with him. I could never be in love with him. He's your husband," she says.
"Not for much longer," I say.
Madge stops in surprise.
"You can't be getting a divorce? Oh, Katniss. I never wanted this to happen," she replies.
I shake my head.
"You're not the reason we're getting divorced. We don't love each other anymore and Gale wouldn't have kissed you if we had both been happy. The kiss just highlighted everything wrong with our marriage. It's what's best for all of us," I say.
"I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you are all going through," she says.
"We'll get through it and I hope we'll all be better for it," I reply.
Madge nods and then hangs her head.
"I understand if you can't forgive me but I will always want what is best for you," she says.
I reach out to give her hand a squeeze. Madge pulls her head up to look at me surprised. I stare straight into her eyes as I speak.
"I forgive you," I say.
"How can you?" Madge asks.
I give her a small smile.
"I don't think it's your fault for developing feelings for Gale. Sometimes we can't help ourselves," I say.
Madge opens her mouth to protest but I shake my head to stop her.
"You do have feelings for him. I think you might have had them for a long time but I was too caught up in my own shit to realise. But you only acted on them recently and that was only because you listened to Gale when I couldn't. I'm not saying you should have kissed him but don't beat yourself up for falling for him," I reply.
Madge shakes her head in disbelief.
"I can't believe you are being this good about it. I honestly thought I had lost you as a friend," she says.
I smile coyly at her.
"I've had a lot of time to think about things," I say.
Madge will never know just how long I had to think about it and I can't tell her just now how I think she is perfect for Gale. Maybe in the future, sometime after the divorce is finalised and everything is less raw, I may even gently prod them in each other's direction. But not today.
Madge smiles gratefully at me and I order two glasses of wine. I'm not going to lose my friend today.
The next couple of months pass quickly as divorce proceedings pick up and Hunter and I get used to new routines. Gale makes the whole thing easy by giving us the house and I don't care about getting any other money other than child support for Hunter. Gale manages to find a new house only a fifteen-minute walk away and Hunter enjoys designing his new bedroom.
The nights when Hunter is with Gale are harder than I thought. But after spending eight years without him, I find that I am reluctant to part from him. I even become jealous of his teacher for the six hours a day she gets to spend with him.
I find it's best to keep myself busy on these days. I sign up for an Indian cooking class and head out to the archery range again. I'm glad to find that my experience in my other life carries through to this life and I'm still a pretty good shot.
However, it is the days without Hunter that I miss Peeta. At first I was so busy dealing with the divorce that I didn't have time to think about him. But now the distractions are fading and Peeta drifts into my memory more and more.
I never met him in this life. I have no idea if he is even still in Edinburgh. Late at night when I'm feeling lonely and miss the feeling of his arms around me, I type his name into Google and Facebook. But I can never press the search button. I'm too scared about what I might find. A nice guy like Peeta is hardly going to stay single for long. I'm terrified if I hit that search button I will find out he is already married with some adorable blond kids. I don't think my heart could handle that sight.
So I continue to miss him and focus my attention on my son. Sacrificing having Peeta in my life is the price I have to pay to get to live with my son. When given the choice I would always choose Hunter.
Responses to my job applications start coming back and I get quite a few rejections. But I make a promise to myself not to take it personally. I keep perservering and eventually a job comes up that really interests me. It involves working for Eco Schools in Edinburgh and my role would involve going around the schools and helping them with Eco projects they are trying to run. One of my favourite parts of working at the sustainability company was going around the schools and promoting cycling. I feel like I could be good at this job.
I leave the interview with nervous butterflies in my stomach. I felt it went well. All my experience with the sustainability company meant that I could answer all their questions confidently and there seemed to be a lot of smiling and nodding. But I have no idea what the other candidates are like. There could be someone better for the job.
Hunter is still enjoying his summer holidays so I pick him up from his friend's house and take him to a local ice-cream place to distract me from the interview.
"How did it go?" Hunter asks between licks of toffee fudge ice-cream.
"I think it went well. They said they would get back to me this afternoon," I reply.
Hunter nods his head.
"I think you'll get it. You've always really helped me with eco projects at school," he says.
"Thanks for believing in me," I say.
"You always tell me I can do whatever I want so now I'm going to say the same to you," he replies.
I grin broadly before leaning to place a kiss on his head.
"Thank you. You are the best son I could have ever asked for," I say.
Hunter smiles at me before he goes back to licking his ice-cream. His talk of superheroes and Minecraft are the perfect distraction from my job interview.
We have just discarded our napkins from the ice-cream when my phone starts ringing. It's an unrecognised number so I'm pretty sure it must be the people calling me back about the job. I take a deep breath before pressing the call button.
"Hello. This is Katniss Hawthorne speaking," I say.
"Katniss, it's Effie Trinkett from Eco Schools. We were delighted to meet you today. I have to say we were a bit surprised how much you knew about the area considering you've had no obvious prior experience in it," she says.
Sometimes, having lived two lives causes a few awkward explanations about how I know certain things.
"It's just been something I've always been interested in and have read a lot about," I say.
"Yes. You certainly came across very knowledgeable and definitely very passionate about it. We were very impressed," Effie replies.
My heart beats faster as I chew on my bottom lip. Hunter looks as he waits for me to give him a sign.
"So we would be delighted to have you on board. Congratulations, Katniss! You got the job!" Effie continues.
My face splits into a massive grin and I give Hunter a thumbs up. He smiles too and wraps his arms around my middle to give me a hug.
"Thank you so much for giving me a chance," I reply.
"It's honestly our pleasure. I think you will be a real asset to our team," she says.
I thank her again and then Effie talks me through some of the recruitment processes. I can't stop smiling when I hang up.
"I knew you would do it, Mum!" Hunter says.
I hug him tight and savour this small moment of triumph.
"We need to celebrate. How does pizza at The Italian Kitchen sound?" I ask.
Hunter nods his head eagerly.
"Can I have ice-cream after?" he asks.
I raise my eye-brow at him.
"You just had ice-cream," I point out.
Hunter shrugs his shoulder.
"You can never have too much ice-cream," he replies.
I laugh as we turn to walk to the restaurant. He's come a long way from disliking the coldness of it when he was a baby.
There is a spring in my step as we approach the restaurant. The pieces in my life are coming together and I feel positive about the future.
We get shown to a table when we enter and are handed menus. My eyes eagerly scan the men for the latest pizzas and I realise how much I've missed the food here.
I never did come here in my other life. It was just that little bit too far away from the flat I shared with Peeta and I spent most of my time eating what he had made. As Hunter makes his own dish choices I'm reminded just how much I love this cosy setting. I wish I had brought Peeta here as I'm sure he would have loved the authentic Italian cooking. Italian was always his favourite food.
When the waitress comes back to take our orders I decide to order a glass of prosecco.
"I think I deserve one to celebrate with," I say.
"What are you celebrating?" the waitress asks.
"I just got a new job working for Eco schools," I reply proudly.
"Oh, congratulations! I was in the eco committee at my primary school. I loved it," the waitress says.
"Hopefully I can inspire more people to join," I say.
The waitress nods her head with a smile and then takes the rest of our order. Hunter gets excited when I allow him to have a fizzy drink on a week day.
I moan when the pizzas arrive and savour every bitter of the cheesy and garlicky goodness. It's definitely the best pizza I've ever had.
I enjoy the meal with Hunter but then his eyes widen when he sees something behind me.
"Mum, I think they are bringing something for you," he says.
I frown, confused because we haven't ordered anything and twist round to see what Hunter is talking about. My heart stops when I see it.
A member of the restaurant staff is walking towards me holding a giant sundae with a sparkler on top. But that's not what makes my heart stop. It's the sight of the man carrying the sundae. Peeta.
I stare at him in disbelief as he and the waitress come up to me and put the sundae down. The sparkler continues for a few more seconds before dying out and Peeta looks down at me with a broad grin.
"Amber told me that you just got a new job. The Italian Kitchen would like to give you this sundae to say congratulations," he says.
Hunter licks his lips at the sight but I can't stop staring at Peeta. My heart thumps loudly in my chest at just being near him again.
"You didn't have to do that," I somehow manage to say.
I'm not sure what to think about seeing him now. He doesn't know me. I can't just blurt how I much I love and miss him. I quickly glance at his ring finger but there is no wedding band there. My heart skips a beat at the thought and am so glad that I gave my ring back to Gale a couple of months ago.
"Sure I can. And I'm the owner so any decision I make is final," he replies with a grin.
I shake my head confused. Owner? How does he have his own restaurant now? All this time I have been coming here and the owner has been the man I have loved more than anyone else.
Peeta must see the look of confusion on my face as he offers an explanation.
"I know, I know. I don't look or sound Italian. But Italian food has always been my favourite and I spent a year in Italy learning to cook all their dishes. It's always been my dream to own a restaurant so when my Granny died I used the money from her will to open this place," he says.
And suddenly it all makes sense. In my other life Peeta never went to Italy to learn how to cook because he chose to stay and start dating me instead. And when his Granny died we used that money to buy a flat rather than open a restaurant.
I realise that although I had more successes and thrived in my other life, I stopped Peeta from succeeding some of his own goals.
"That's amazing," I reply. "This is Hunter and mine's favourite restaurant."
Peeta smiles broader.
"That's what I like to hear. What's your favourite dish?" he asks Hunter.
Hunter pauses to think for a moment before answering.
"The sausage pizza. We tried making it at home but it wasn't as good," he replies.
"You know we do kids cooking classes here? You could sign up and I can show you how to make the pizza yourself," Peeta says.
Hunters eyes widen in delight and he nods his head.
"You teach the kids yourself?" I ask.
Peeta turns away from Hunter to lock eyes with me. A shiver goes up my spine when I see him look so carefully at me.
"Yes. I love passing on my wisdom. The kids get so excited," he replies.
I nod my head so proud of what he has achieved here. He then digs into his pocket to pull out a business card.
"I'm Peeta Mellark by the way. Take my card and you can call me if your son ever wants a lesson," he says.
"Thank you. I'm Katniss," I say.
I reach out for the card and our fingers briefly brush as I take it off him. A spark of electricity shoots through my body and my eyes snap up to meet Peeta's blue ones. The look on his face is enough to tell me he felt it too.
A/N: So some people guessed that Peeta was the owner of the restaurant mentioned in chapter 1! Hopefully you see how Katniss used what she learned in her other life to make this life the best possible life for her.
There will be an epilogue in the next chapter and I hope you have all enjoyed the journey!