So, here's chapter 14.

Please review. This is mainly Pacey's POV and I'm very unsure about this chapter in particular. Plaese let me ḱnow what you think. Please hang in there with me and review. I need them right now more than ever!

Yours,

Yana

On different ways

- Chapter 14 -

'Damn it!' Joey threw her pencil against the wall. She was supposed to write a sequel to her book, which had been a breathtaking success. Now she struggled with the words that had used to come to her almost naturally. That seemed to just flow out of her fingers, sometimes surprising her as she read them. She didn't even always know where the text's she wrote had come from. They just seemed to write themselves effortlessly. Now, she didn't seem to get one sentence right. Nothing made any sense, the characters didn't act like there were supposed to. And the written conversations just didn't flow and if they did, they were just hollow and flat, almost stupid at times. Nothing worked.

Frustrated she ran her hand through her now shoulder-long hair. Nothing made any sense anymore. She felt like she lost her muse, her very soul was empty. Nothing seemed easy anymore. She was surrounded by a deep sadness, that seemed to linger around her like a bad smell. Defeated she stood, grabbed her coat, slipped into her shoes and closed the door of her maisonette behind her back. Outside she took a deep breath, waited for the elevator and finally she was out in the streets. Let herself be taken by the stream of people, heading hectically from one appointment to another, shopping or simply striding through the city like her.

She felt lost.

It was almost autumn by now. She could feel it in the wind and see it in the eyes of each passerby. This heavy feeling of just another year flowing by with nothing they could do to stop the time from running through their hands like sand. She sighed deeply as she sat down on a bench. A hot coffee to go in her hands, she grabbed somewhere as she passed by. She looked at the stream of people, wondering where they might head and whom their thoughts were with. She looked at her mobile, writing something and putting it back as she saw nothing new there. She used to mail every now and than with Pacey. She saw Tara almost regularly and called Bessie at least once a week. But all that late-spring-experience seemed so far away now, like a memory from another lifetime.

In Capeside

'So, are you telling me about that heavy cloud hovering over your head?' Bodie asked Pacey, leaning with his back against the new work space of their new set kitchen, he held a glass of water in his hands.

Pacey turned to look at him. 'It's nothing, really.' He grinned sheepishly.

'Yeah, sure.' Bodie raised a brow, as Pacey stood, poured himself a glass of water too and looked at his mobile, grinning as he wrote a response.

'So, if this nothing of yours would have a name by any chance, it wouldn't be Joey, now would it?'

Pacey chuckled and placed his glass on the work space.

'I really rather not talk about her right now.'

'Come on, man. You have to talk about it eventually. She isn't going to wait for you forever. There is a long, long line in front of her door, Pacey. She could have almost any guy and the only one she is interested in, the only one she has eyes for, rejects her.' He looked at him investigating. 'Wanna talk about it?'

'Man, you got me there.' Pacey's voice was croaky and he let out a breath he wasn't aware he was actually holding. Slowly he runs his hand through his hair in surrender as his mobile vibrated again he looked at it, smiled sadly and wrote back.

'Come on, sit with me.' Bodie laid his hand on Pacey's shoulder, leading him towards one of the tables that were already set. They planned to open the Ice House first of December, but they were almost ready to open a lot earlier.

They had a large pooltable and a two dartboards, room for 100 people, a deck with space for at least 50 more, a spare room for weddings or things like that in the attic and a bar with a stereo and a lightning installation in the basement, they had placed sofas and thick seat cushions there and low tables there. All in all it was perfect and Pacey couldn't wait until it would finally be crowded. He and Bodie had attended a 4 week cookery crashcourse for chef's just to be sure. They had yet to finish the kitchen and set a menu, than they would be all done.

Bodie poured them each a beer and sat beside Pacey. 'So, tell me about it.'

Pacey sighed and took a deep gulp of his cold beer. 'Man, I think I fell for her, Bodie.' He said at length, his voice a bit croaky and shaking, unsure as he finally said the words, he hadn't dared thinking. And with them out, he felt a cold hand grabbing his heart and he shook his head. 'But I just can't have it, Bodie. I just can't.'

Bodie nodded, he knew damn well why Pacey was afraid, but he pushed it nonetheless. 'And why is that, exactly?'

Pacey felt anger bubbling up inside him, a long forgotten and deeply buried rage, that made his whole body shake. 'You god damn well know that, Bodie.' He stated.

'Yeah, I know, but I want you to say it, to look deep into the eye of your enemy and think about it. Aks yourself in all hoesty, if this old feud is worth risking a future with a girl that loves you deeply.'

'You think she loves me?' The words were out before Pacey could stop them. His thoughts suddenly flew back to the moment she kissed him all those weeks ago. The way it made him feel alive for what seemed the first time in forever. How he felt her touch slowly liquefy the ice around his heart and soul. How she touched something deep inside him in that particular moment. He felt a shiver running down his spine and the arousal rush through his veins only thinking about it. Imagine what it would be like to actually get to hold her, to kiss her, to have her kiss him, hold him... Made love to her would be almost unbearable amazing. Divine, really. She took his breath away even in her absence, leaving him in helpless desire.

'Yeah, man.' Bodie offered softly, looking at the younger man, clearly aware of his sudden tenseness. 'She loves you and I don't only think she does. Every time she calls over, her first question is about you and the last thing she say is to give you her regards and a kiss for Danny. She's sad Pacey, and she misses you. Maybe she misses you more than you miss her.'

Pacey looked down into his glass, watching the bubbles in the golden liquid, wondering why he wasn't able to not screw it this time. 'I know, but I'm just so... I don't know, Bodie.' He lend back. 'I guess I'm afraid.'

'About?'

'Getting hurt again.' He said the words quietly, almost whispering them.

'We all get hur eventually. This is part of putting your heart at risk. Of putting yourself out there. No one is safe from being hurt at some point. A realationship is about pleasure and hurt, about laughing and crying, about arguing and forgiveness. Any realationship is, Pacey.' He watched the younger man looking at the bottom of his glass, as if to find an answer there. 'But there is no Dawson, Pacey.'

'No, there isn't. Just his ghost lingering all around. And hers.' He downed his beer and placed the glass back on the table. 'And I'm afraid nonetheless. This runs bone deep, Bodie. It's destroying even. It was the most life altering moment of my life seeing those two...' he hesitated. 'Entangled in such an intimate way. This two people I would have trusted in the pitch black night. I trusted them and they cheated on me. And not accidentally, not only once, but all those weeks. Full aware of the damage they did. Full aware, that my heart would break the moment I knew about their betrayal. . And with the intention to just don't tell me about it. Keep it secret. It makes me sick only thinking about it.' Pacey looked at Bodie with such deep hurt in his eyes and such a disgusted look on his face it hit Bodie literally in the face.

'Wanna know what I think?' Bodie offered.

'Sure.' Pacey shrugged blasé.

'I think you should go to Boston and talk to the man. If you feel like punching him, just punch him. But you have to let it go one way or the other. If you just close it up deep inside of you, it will stand in your way not only now, but any time someone tries to come near you. And at length it will have an impact on Daniel too.'

Pacey remained still. The last thing he wanted was to talk to Dawson. He didn't want to come near him in 10 miles. But Bodie was right eventually. He had to do it, if only for Daniels sake.

He got lost in his thoughts and they finished the work in the kitchen together in absolute silence.

As they locked the door in the late evening, they were both exhausted. 'Wanna come over for dinner?'
'Well yeah.' Pacey nodded, both hands deep in the bags of his coat as he hesitated. 'Hey, Bodie?'

'Yep?' Bodie turned on the steps down the deck and looked at Pacey who stood in the half light of a lantern hanging over the entrance. Looking totally forlorn.

'Mind if Daniel stays over for maybe one or to days? I think I've got to settle a few things in Boston.'

Bodie beamed and got the steps up again, walking towards Pacey and patted him on the shoulder. 'Well man, I would do nothing rather than that. It's long overdone.'

'Yeah, you're right, man. So lets have that dinner you promised.' Pacey grinned but feeling awfully insecure and shaky inside, he didn't know what to say or how to act, he was just absolutely convinced that, whatever happened between him and Joey, it was inevitable that he had this talk with Dawson.

In the early morning he walked to the docks and found her boat in an instant. Smiling he got on board, remembering a warm day in the middle of June. Joey had invited the both of them for a cruise a little down the coast. They'd spent the whole weekend here and Pacey felt how much he craved to be back out in the open with a boat. It could be any boat. He remembered sitting outside in the dark, looking up in the starry sky and she sat beside him, a blanchet over her shoulders, smiling at him. He told her about his trip to west key and she had smiled dreamingly. And told him, she would like to see the west coast some day. And he had looked at her, imagined what it would be like to have her join him on such a trip and a warm feeling had spread thruogh him. That was maybe the first time he had realized that she could in fact be able to steal her way into his heart. Now he stood there and looked over the water, to the sun that rose on the horizon. He took a deep breath and turned to leave the boat as he saw a shadow standing on the dock. He took a closer look before leaving the boat.
'Tara?' He raised a brow at her. 'What are you doing here?'
She smiled at him, a little sad but sincere. 'Bessie told me you were off to Boston.'
'Yeah, well, she is right.'
'Well good, Pace. Just don't fool with her, okay?' She smiled a half smile. 'She loves you and if you don't love her back, please just tell her so. Don't make her stand in line and hoping like...' She made a little noise with her tongue. 'Well, never mind. I'm just here to wish you luck.'
'Thanks Tara.' He hugged her tight and could feel her breathe him in. 'I'm sorry I made you hope for something I'm just not able to give.' He kissed her hair.
'Don't be. Your friendship is enough for me. Good luck and be safe.' She smiled at him and he could feel her watch him leave.

He got on his bike and drove towards Boston. Loving the feel of his machine between his legs, the roaring and pure power. It made him feel like nothing could get him down. He had managed to suss out the shooting area where Dawson worked right now. He drove there and wasn't surprised by all the security that surrounded the area.

He put of his helm and locked his bike. Than he walked towards the nearest security woman and put on his most winning smile.

'Good morning, mister, what can I help you with? This is blocked compound. Only staff is allowed here.' She said in a sharp tone. Not unfriendly but clearly not an easy one to convince.

'I'm an old friend of Dawson Leery.' He stated and the woman narrowed her eyes.

'Sure. You clearly sat beside him during kindergarten as well.' She stated obviously unfazed.

'In fact, yes, I did.' Pacey couldn't help but grin.

'And now you want me to let you pass by out of, what, utter amiability?'

'Something like that, yeah.' He tried his most convincing face but she just looked at him amused.

'You know how many people had claimed exactly this? And if I would let everyone just pass, than he wouldn't have to employee security at all.' She fell quite, mustering him as he smiled convincingly at her and at length she said. 'But I can give him your name and he can come see you if he knows you.'

'No, please.' Pacey rushed maybe a little to impulsive and she narrowed her eyes on him. 'We haven't seen each other in a long while and I... well I kind of wanted to surprise him.' Pacey tried to talk her into it, feeling utterly insecure inside and knowing that he could convince anybody as he had been young didn't help at all, but he had to try.

She looked at him for a long while, than turned to talk to another security man. At length they frisked him and both convoyed him through a very crowded area until they stood right behind the directors chair, where Dawson leaned and watched two people play. Pacey felt all nervous and his whole self-confidence seemed to crumble in the sight of this man, who had been his best friend, his safe haven and had turned into his incarnate nightmare.

The man who convoyed him stepped beneath Dawson and leaned in, talking with him in a low voice, until Dawson suddenly turned an expression of absolute and total surprise in his face.

'Pacey?' Pacey nodded in his direction and Dawson came towards him, looking at him for a long while, clearly a total lost for words. Pacey stared at him, all the words stuck in his throat. He felt thoroughly stupid, standing in front of all this people, starring at the director, when only moments before he convinced the security, he was his oldest friend.

'Sir? Everything alright Mister Leery?' The security man asked and Dawson seemed to wake of some kind of trance.

'Well yeah, I just... I didn't expected him.' He turned to face his staff. 'Okay, everybody. Take the rest of the day off, I got a visitor I've been waiting for longer than you can imagine. Have a nice day everybody.' Pacey blinked in disbelieve at Dawson's words. He'd been waiting for him?

As Dawson turned around again he smiled at Pacey and patted him on the shoulder. 'Pacey! I'm so glad to see you! What took you so long, man?'

Pacey looked at him and couldn't help but chuckle. What took him so long? 'Life I guess.' He answered at length.

'Yeah, I bet. Come on.' He laid an arm around Paceys shoulders as if they had parted in peace. Pacey couldn't help but feeling out of place. He was tense. As they'd left the set he get rid of Dawsons arm and turned to look him straight in the face.

'What is this?' He asked, clearly upset by now.

'What is what, Pacey?' Dawson looked at him with a blank expression on his face and as oblivious as he had always been.

'You know full well what I mean. You buddying me, as if nothing had happened.' Pacey felt all the old anger take over. He was about to punch his once-friend right in his self-complacent face.

'You came here, so I thought...'

'That I've forgiven you?' Pacey spat the words, surprised by the old hurt that seemed so new, quite as if everything just happened yesterday. He could see Dawson entangled with Andie on that bed and it made him sick to the bone.

'Kind of?' Dawson offered unsure.

'No Dawson! I came here to close a door I should have closed a long, long time ago. So I can finally begin to live again.' He looked at him, all hurt and felt as defeated as he had then. 'Why, Dawson? I mean, really! Why did you do it? Why sleeping with her, while she was mine? Why, when you were full aware, that I loved her?' He hated his burning eyes, but he didn't care right now, he wouldn't cry, he had shed enough tears over her and over Dawson as well and all boiled down now to this anger and the feeling that he just wasn't worth to be loved. That he, in fact, wasn't even worth to have a honest friendship. That he wasn't worth anything, just like his father used to tell him since he was only three years old.

'Because I loved her too, Pacey. And for what's worth, I'm sorry that I just took her, but...'

'Oh yeah, there has always to be a but, now isn't it so? ''But'' - you were not worthy of her, ''but'' - stupid little Pacey would just take her and put her in danger with this trip of his, ''but''- golden Dawson was supposed to be with her and it hurt his pride, that Pacey got her and his ego just couldn't take it.' He looked him straight in the eyes, all his anxiousness gone. 'But you destroyed me, Dawson. You just crashed me. My whole life has been a mess ever since. And you didn't even once try to apologize. Oh yeah, sure, you came as your father informed you, that I would flunk out of high school. You put on your golden armor and came to my rescue. You offered me your help back than, but an apology? Never happened! An explanation? Negative report! No one of you came and asked how I was feeling, after my boat sunk. No one of you came and offering me friendship. You know, I wasn't able to trust anybody since your betrayal.' He looked at him, aware of the fire in his eyes. 'Why Dawson? Why didn't you just come and tell me you still loved her? Why? Why did you have to hurt me in such a cruel, destroyable way? Why did you do it? Why?' Pacey's voice had become lower with each word he said. He stood face to face with Dawson, who clearly didn't know what to response and he just felt so utterly destroyed. 'Why, Dawson?'

'Because I hated, that she loved you.' Dawson said at length. His voice only a whisper on his breath, but his eyes never left Pacey's and he could hear the utter sincerity in Dawson's words. 'I hated that she wanted to leave with you. I hated that it was your name on her lips, when I made love to her the first time in her room.' Pacey's eyes widened at his words.

'What?' He whispered in disbelieve.

'It's true Pacey.' Dawson looked past Pacey down a crowded road. 'She loved you, but I convinced her to stay with me, because I wanted her. And she was weak these day's and easily convinced.'

Pacey couldn't believe what Dawson said. 'And you have the guts to just stay here, telling me this?'

'I have no chance, than to be honest, Pacey. I hadn't been and it cost me the most precious friend I ever had. I am really truly sorry I hurt you so deeply. I am sorry your life had been the way it was because of me. And I know, there is merely a chance that I get you back in my life after all those years, but if I have a chance at all, that one day you'll forgive me, than I have to be honest. And the honest truth is, I missed you. I made a terrible mistake, not that I regret she's my wife now, but I regret that it costs me your friendship and I regret that it was only possible by destroying you.' Dawson made eye-contact again and Pacey was surprised to see them glassy. 'I am sorry, Pacey. But there is no way I can make it undone.'

'No there isn't.' Pacey smiled sadly at his former friend. He felt nothing, nothing at all. 'Just tell me this: Did she love me, Dawson? Before you layed her and convinced her to drop me. Did she love me?'

'Yes she did. And she didn't wanted to drop you, Pace. She wanted to leave with you the next day. She never really forgave me, that I lured you there this evening. I think, part of her probably still loves you.'

'But she slept with you, nonetheless.' Pacey lowered his eyes to the ground.

'Yeah.' Dawson laid his hand on the other guys shoulder. 'Look, Pacey, I am sorry.'

'I know. Me too Dawson.'

'I miss you, Pacey. Sometimes I miss you real bad.'

'Yeah, I know exactly what you mean by than.' He almost laughed and than he spontaneously hugged him and Dawson returned the embrace. And Pacey felt a heavy burden fall from his heart. He pattered Dawson on the back and took a deep breath.

'Wow. So I guess we could have a beer somewhere?' Pacey offered, surprised by his slightly wet eyes. He didn't realize how important solving this matter has been for him.

'Yeah sure.' Dawson seemed as relieved as Pacey felt. 'So tell me about your life.'

'I'm a father actually.' Pacey grinned.

'Well, really? So tell me all about your kid.'

And Pacey began to tell him about Daniel, not how it came that he got him and not the circumstances of being a single father, but about him in general and as he went on talking about how gorgeous Daniel was a feeling of peace settled in his heart that has been missing half his life.

They sat in a nice little sidewalk café, eating lunch and talking about life in general. Dawson talking about his new film. It was in fact mainly Dawson how was talking. Pacey was careful not to give away to much, but he felt like he found a missing piece in the puzzle that was his life. And he was just glad, sitting here with his childhood friend, talking and finally be free of the vengeance that had occupied his soul and overshadowed his every step so many years.

'...and I fell for someone, D. And I think...' He placed his fork on the side of his plate, wiping his mouth with a napkin. 'Well, honestly this is the reason I came here. I just had to solve things with you to finally be able to go on without sticking in the past with all the angst and anxiety and insecurity's that were caused by... You know.'

'Yeah, I do.' Dawson leaned back. 'So tell me about her.'

'Well, she is amazing.' He paused, thinking about what he want to give away, knowing that Dawson knew her but Dawson not knowing that he did. 'And pretty...' Pacey smiles. 'In fact she is very, very pretty. Actually she is the kind of pretty, that gives you butterflies, man. She is witty and sassy and intelligent, she's fun and she's great with Daniel and man... She's breath-taking.'

'So why don't you just go for her, Pacey?' Asked Dawson.

'Because. Well actually, because I fear, that she will just drop me, like... Well, like I've been dropped before, I guess.' Pacey shrugged, looking at Dawson who looked back defeated.

'I'm sorry, Pacey.'

'I know.' He grabbed his fork and continued to eat. Both of them fell silent for a long while.

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