A/N: What happened to Bella? You'll find out. Bella's point of view. Edward will find out next chapter!
Chapter 14- Why Me? (If Only)
I lay in bed, racked by coughs as I attempted to sleep. I sighed, and got up to sit in the window seat. Abra was staying at Angela's where she would stay healthy, and where someone would actually be able to take care of her. I couldn't stop coughing, and for the past few days had thrown up everything I had eaten or drunk. I was really sick. Really, really sick. My head ached like crazy. I curled up on the window seat, leaning against the windowpane.
The moonlight illuminated my face as I hugged my knees. I rested my face on my knees, and began to sob. I was always taking care of Abra, or doing schoolwork, or taking care of the people I tutored, making sure they passed their classes. As it was I was hardly paying rent on my tiny dorm room. I had no idea what I would do know that I had missed so many tutoring sessions. I wouldn't get paid. I sobbed harder. I wished for once that someone would take care of me, instead of me having to take care of everyone else.
No one had every really taken care of me very well. I had been made to grow up quickly. Much too quickly. Leaving home, if I could really even call it that, for college at age 14. Living in downtown New York, by myself. A mother, a single mother, at age sixteen. How could some people be so lucky, and some so unlucky? Edward, and Alice, and Emmett, who had probably had their each and every wish granted as children, who were taken care of so well to this day, though they were in graduate school, or had already graduated. Their supreme luck in having two parents to love and care for them.
Who had ever loved me? Abra did, but she depended on me for everything. I had to work to pay for her childcare, her food, someplace to live that would be safe for a girl who was not yet two. I gave Abra all I had, yet look at what she had for a life, compared to what Edward and his siblings had had for a life when they were not yet two. I just hoped to give Abra a better life than I had gotten. I was pretty sure I already had. For one thing, I hadn't- No. I can't think about that.
My sobs slowly subsided, but my coughs did not, as I fell half-asleep against the freezing bay window surrounding the hard window seat I sat on. I awoke from my half-conscious state when someone decided it would be funny to throw snowballs at my window. They could probably see me up here. I buried my face in my knees and began to sob again. Why did it have to be me? All these misfortunes, why couldn't they have been distributed evenly between everyone? Why did some people get so many piled on their shoulders, while others got so few? Why was the next thought for some 'Why do I have to write this stupid essay?' while for others it was 'How will I feed my child?' or 'How will I pay the rent?'
Another snowball hit the window, and I turned my face to look down at the people throwing them. A group of boys stood there, and one, probably seeing my tear-stained face, tapped his friend on the shoulder and pointed up at me. His friend shrugged, and motioned to the group to come on. They left. I sighed.
I walked over to the small mirror on top of my dresser, and examined my face. It was tear-stained to be sure. I found a rag, wet it under the faucet and sat back down on the window seat to dab at my face. This, however, only made my crying increase. There was no one else to do this for me. There was only me. And, the thought occurred to me, it could be that way for the rest of my life, if I didn't do anything about it.
I needed something to cheer myself up, so I took out a CD from my meager collection, and stuck it in my Walkman. I lowered the volume, it was late, and listened as the cast of Rent began to sing, and I realized the full meaning of the song.
"How do you measure
A year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love"
"Share love, give love, spread of love
Measure, measure your life in love"
I sighed, and resolved to open up more. I curled up on my window seat, and fell asleep as the CD finished.
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I awoke, early the next morning, as the sun came up. I was sore, tired, cold, and I still couldn't stop coughing. I got up and went to curl up on my bed, attempting to stay warm enough. I wrapped my thin blanket around my shoulders, and fell asleep again, as the rest of the dorm woke up.
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I awoke and fell asleep without any idea of time for the next day or so, I really had no idea what day, or what time it was, sometimes not even whether it was day or night. I would get too hot and put on a tank top and shorts, and then minutes later I would be freezing cold, and be piling on all of my clothing and curling up in bed, wrapped in a blanket. I hadn't eaten for days, but I kept retching every once in a while. The coughing never stopped. Sometimes I would get to thinking about how badly I was doing and the sobbing would come back. If only, if only. Those two words were the story of my life.
I had always wished. Always hoped. One of the very select few that had come true was the one I was living through right now. The wish to go to college, and do something in the field of medicine.
That, and the wish to be a mother. If only the two had not been combined. If only. Those two words were back. If only they would go away for once. I thought back to Thanksgiving, and it seemed like a dream. What if it really was all a dream? I had no idea anymore. Maybe Abra was a dream too. But no, the crib against the wall. Abra was real. Of that, at least, I was sure.
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A/N: So there's a dose of angst for everyone. Credit goes to Jonathon Larson for the lyrics of 'Seasons of Love'. Thanks to all of my readers, and to shininglights (who reviewed four chapters), twifanforever, Zoe, Dark Rose Forever, jasper's lil pixie, IKD (who reviewed four chapters), ShikaGirl1990, hhawkes, bloodredeclipse, hollynn28, Tulips at Twiliight, and GrlWithoutAName for reviewing!! Keep it up!!