Author's Note: Thanks, as always, to the beautiful, talented and loving beta and friend, BluCrayons. You're amazing! Couldn't do this without you! And not just because you thought up the plot.
Chapter 14: Numb
"You ok, Mike?" Peter asked as Mike descended the stairs.
"Fine," Mike answered lazily. He felt numb. He felt like everything was happening around him and he wasn't part of it.
"Are they ok?" Peter asked indicating Micky and Ginny.
"Yeah, I think so," Mike said. "They just need time to figure it out."
"Are you going to come to bed?" Davy asked.
"In a bit," Mike answered. "I think I'm gonna go take a shower."
"Ok," Peter said eyeing him cautiously. Mike wasn't sure what to say. He knew his friends were worried about him, but he wasn't even sure it was warranted. He didn't exactly have much time to reflect on anything that had happened. It wasn't until he was alone and not surrounded by chaos that he was able to start feeling. And it washed over him with overwhelming force.
He felt like he was reliving everything. He heard the gunshots rip through his ears. He felt the fear grip him again as it had in the courtroom. He rarely ever cried, but he couldn't stop it now. His tears mixed with the water from the shower head hitting his face. He couldn't erase the image of Valerie lying on the floor in a puddle of her own blood, no matter how hard he tried to forget about it. He could see just how red the blood was. And how dark.
He stood there until the water turned too cold to tolerate anymore before getting out. Yet he didn't really feel any better. If anything, the silence made things worse. He could hear the startled gasps of his friends ringing in his head; the shuffling of feet from people trying to get away. He heard it as clear as if were happening again right in front of him. Micky pushing Valerie and Ginny down to the ground with a thud. The movement of the chairs and tables as Sebastian climbed his way to them. Everything replayed in his mind.
He snapped when he heard the gunshots rebound through his head again. Before he even realized what he was doing, he reached out and punched his fist in front of him. The mirror he hadn't even realized he'd been facing shattered into a million pieces that cascaded onto the floor and into the sink. But he didn't do anything about it. He felt numb again. So he just stood there. He didn't even hear Peter knocking softly on the door or open it. He didn't hear Peter calling out his name until he felt Peter place a hand on his shoulder.
"Mike?" Peter asked. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine," Mike answered. It seemed unconvincing even to him.
"You're bleeding," Peter argued.
"I'm fine," Mike answered, again very unconvincingly. He had gone back to feeling numb. Peter sighed and took Mike's hand and pushed it under the sink. Mike watched his blood drip onto the shards of glass collected there and thought of Valerie's blood. His somehow looked different.
"Mike, come on," Peter said taking Mike by the arm and leading him out into the kitchen.
"Peter, I'm fine," Mike said.
"Sit down," Peter said gently and pushed Mike into the chair in the dining room. Mike waited for Peter to come back with the first aid kit they kept under the sink. Peter didn't say anything; he just set to work in silence. The silence itself was almost accusatory. But maybe that's how Mike was seeing it. Peter carefully pulled Mike's hand close to him and grabbed the tweezer to pull out the small pieces of glass embedded in his hand. Mike didn't feel anything; no pain, no anguish. He just sat there while Peter pulled glass from his hand carefully and diligently.
He hated feeling numb. It was almost worse than feeling the pain. He wondered why he couldn't allow himself to feel anything in front of his friends when they were so willing to help him without judging him. That's what the silence was. Peter wasn't judging him for what he'd done; he wasn't disappointed and he wasn't going to push Mike to talk about why he'd done it. He was just there for him. Like Micky had been for Valerie.
"It should have been me," Mike said without thinking.
"What?" Peter asked setting the tweezers down after pulling the last bit of glass from Mike's hand.
"I didn't do anything," Mike said.
"What are you talking about?" Peter asked.
"I didn't do anything," Mike repeated unable to say anything else.
"Mike, that's crazy," Peter said desperately. "Of course you did. You saved me and Davy. I didn't even see what was happening. I didn't know what had happened until you had me pushed to the ground. How can you think you didn't do anything?"
"I didn't help her," Mike said softly. "I didn't do anything for her."
"You weren't close enough," Peter said.
"Micky helped her," Mike said. "But she still got shot."
"It's not his fault," Peter said a little coldly. His tone was enough to snap Mike out of the daze surrounding him a little.
"I didn't mean that," Mike said quickly. "Of course I don't blame him. But…"
"You think you should have been the one to save her?" Peter asked. "How could you have? You were too far away."
"I should have been closer," Mike said.
"Ok, let me ask you something," Peter said. "How would that have changed anything? Maybe you were sitting next to Valerie. Maybe that would have put you too far away to do anything for me and Davy. Maybe we got shot instead. Or maybe it didn't change anything. You and Micky switched places. Valerie still would have pushed you out of the way to save Ginny. And she still would have gotten shot. So how does that change anything? Why does it matter who did what?"
"I love her, Peter," Mike said.
"I know that," Peter answered. "We all know that. That doesn't answer my question, though."
"I don't know, Peter," Mike sighed. "I really don't know. I just know that the love of my life was shot in front of me and nearly died and I didn't do anything to stop it."
"I know it's hard, Mike," Peter said pulling Mike close to him in a warm embrace, "but you have to remember she's gonna be ok. It doesn't matter who helped her, just that she's gonna be ok. She took those bullets for Ginny. And for us, in a way. And when everything was done, you were there by her side trying to stop the bleeding. Trying to save her. She knows that. And when she comes home, she's gonna need your help cause I have a feeling she's gonna be stubborn and not let anyone help her."
"Probably not," Mike agreed.
"Let's wrap up your hand and get to bed," Peter smiled. Mike nodded and smiled back. He let Peter's words touch him. Peter was right. Mike had to focus on the fact that Valerie was going to be ok and that she needed him now more than ever.
Over the next week, the boys and Ginny visited Valerie in the hospital every day for as long as they could before the doctors threw them out. Valerie was pretty out of it most days; the drugs were really doing a number on her. Mike was worried about her, but the doctors said it was normal. She'd been given a lot of high dose pain killers and they were bound to make her a little "loopy", as Davy put it.
Mike had spoken to the doctor about what they would have to do once Valerie was discharged and whether or not she'd regain full movement in her shoulder. The doctor had said there was a small chance she wouldn't, but it was very small. If she did the physical therapy and rested as much as she could, she should be back behind the drums within a few months.
Mike had also asked when the doctor would be willing to discharge her. Valerie was getting a little antsy and it was getting harder and harder to get her to even stay in the hospital. When the doctor said she could go home by the weekend, Mike tried to convince him not to tell her that; to tell her that she could go home the following week. That way she would think she was going home early and wouldn't throw that much of a fit to try and go home.
When the weekend finally came, Mike was a little nervous. He was worried that they wouldn't be able to take care of Valerie the way she needed and he was worried that she would find out that he'd had the doctor lie to her. He didn't want her to get mad at him. He hated having the doctor do that, but he knew how much she hated being in hospitals and knew this was the only way to keep her from getting worked up trying to yell at everyone to go home.
"Morning," Valerie smiled when they walked into the room that weekend.
"Morning," Mike said leaning over and kissing her quickly. The boys followed him inside and took their usual seats along with Ginny. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm absolutely great," Valerie said slightly bitingly. "Can I go home?"
"That's not really up to us," Peter laughed knowing she'd asked this question every day.
"I talked to the doctor, though," Mike said. "And he is doing one last round of tests."
"Really?" Valerie asked perking up and ready to pull her IV out right then and there. Mike thrust out his hand to cover the needle gently and keep it safely in her arm.
"Yes, and he said if you pass your tests, you can go home," Mike said. "Well, sorta. That is if you pass."
"What do you mean sorta?" Valerie asked.
"Well, you're going to need someone to take care of you," Mike said. "You're not going to be up to full strength."
"I really just want to go home, Mike," Valerie snipped. "I'm tired. I want my own bed. I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself."
"I know you can," Mike said. "And no one's doubting that. It's just...stay with us. Let us look after you. Stay with me."
"Why can't you stay with me?" Valerie asked.
"Because if we go back to your home, you're gonna wanna do things around the house," Mike sighed getting slightly annoyed. "Cook, clean, all that. And we can't have that. You need your rest."
"And what makes you think I won't wanna do that at your house?" Valerie asked.
"You can try," Mike said. "But you're going to have a lot of us stopping you. I really have no qualms about tying you to the bed."
"Isn't that a little kinky?" Valerie asked laughing. Mike couldn't help but chuckle himself. He hadn't thought of it like that until she said something.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Micky exclaimed holding his hands over Peter's ears. "There are innocent little ears in here! Watch it!"
"Sorry, Peter," Valerie laughed.
"I'm not a child," Peter laughed pushing Micky's hands off his ears. They laughed for a while longer, waiting for the results of Valerie's tests to come back. The doctor explained that he was looking for any signs of infection in her blood work and checking to see how the wound was healing. There was significant muscle damage and some minor nerve damage and the doctor wanted to check the feeling in her fingers to make sure the nerves were healing. Once everything was cleared, the doctor said he'd finally let her go home. Valerie didn't need to be told twice.
"Ok, everyone out so I can change," Valerie said after bugging the nurse to take her IV out by threatening to do it herself.
"Relax," Mike said. "The doctor only just left to finish your paperwork."
"So?" Valerie asked moving to jump outta bed. "No reason I can't be ready to leave when he is."
"Ok, fine," Mike relented when he saw her wince a little reaching for the bag they'd brought that had a change of clothes for her. "But you have to at least let either me or Ginny help you change. Your shoulder is still weak."
"Fine," Valerie sighed. "You can help me. But everyone else out. Shoo!"
"We're leaving!" Micky laughed grabbing Peter and Davy and shooing them out. Ginny just shook her head a little and laughed at her friend. Valerie shot her a look, but smiled anyway. Once Mike had helped her change, Valerie marched out of the room to look for the doctor and demand her discharge paperwork. Mike was glad she was finally coming home, but the fear still lingered that he wouldn't be able to help her the way he needed. And that she wouldn't let him.