Naruto had learned quite a bit about Gokudera Hayato as the boy led him to the flat he shared with his guardian, mostly from what the kid didn't say. There was no mention of his birth family, or his guardian's affiliation, or anything related to a specific famiglia. All of it painted a not-so-nice picture. Little Hayato was a bastard child, discarded by his famiglia, somehow ending up under the care of a professional hitman, probably an independent one.
It was nothing he hadn't seen before—sad, yeah, but all too common, the world just was, nothing fair or unfair about it—but it presented an opportunity.
Hayato needed purpose and bonds and somewhere to belong. Naruto needed an experienced jōnin. Because ten brats were a bit too much even for him, and while Gamma provided summer relief, that poor bastard was Aria's man through and through. Come September, they'd be back in Namimori, and Naruto refused to leave before snagging himself another vict—er, temp taichō for Teams A and B. Chances were those brats would pass their first Chūnin Exams with flying colors, so all they needed now was a captain while Naruto focused on whipping Team C into shape and finding some teammates for Hayato.
Win-win, right?
There was a jingling of keys. Naruto looked down to see Hayato fiddling with the key chain, having stopped in front of an apartment building, indecisive and pink-cheeked and shifting from one foot to the other. Adorable little brat.
"Hey, no need to get nervous. I just wanna talk to your guardian, 'kay? That's all, I promise."
Slowly, he lifted his hand to stroke the kid's hair, giving him ample time to avoid it. Wide-eyed, Hayato stayed put, sucked in a breath, then at the last second ducked under his hand to unlock the door. Naruto's mouth quirked up. Maybe he should have started with Sasuke's forehead flick of familial affection for the emotionally stunted.
In silence, the boy made a beeline for the staircase, not stopping until they were inside his flat.
"'m back, Shamal," he mumbled, shuffling to the kitchen where a dark-haired man with some stubble around his chin was...holding a magazine of...questionable content, at an odd angle, eyes glazed and giggling like Ero-sennin outside the hot springs. Or Kakashi-sensei in an Icha Icha reading coma.
Yeah, definitely the right man for the job. The majority of Naruto's mentors had been notorious perverts, skilled as hell but shamelessly open about their hobbies.
"You're back earlier than—" Shamal almost fell off his chair, the magazine disappearing in the blink of an eye, before he went rigid, stupid grin still plastered on his face but more fake than the pair of breasts he'd been previously ogling. "Who's your friend, Hayato?"
"This is Naruto." A blistering, mortified glare, all but screaming why must you be such a pervert and don't you dare embarrass me and why did I ever think you were cool. As if remembering the chain of events that caused their meeting, Hayato became more flustered. "We, um, ran into each other, by accident!" Right. Total accident. Like how Naruto's fist accidentally broke seven assholes' faces. "And he...wanted to make sure I got home safe, I guess."
Kid was as bad at lying as he was at accepting affection, and damn if that wasn't just sad. Judging by the pervert's pinched features, it wasn't something out of the ordinary either.
"Ah, I see. Well, why don't you go wash up while I get to know your new friend, hm?"
Hayato scowled, and ooh, that niggling at the back of his mind finally clicked into place. Naruto found himself staring at a green-eyed mini-Nidaime and wondering why it took him so long to make the connection. Kid was a damn genius, certainly smart enough to read the atmosphere, and not like what it spelled out, but Shamal's tone left no room for disobedience.
Growling, he stormed out of the kitchen, with that Tobirama-worthy scowl and genius intellect promising there would be hell to pay when he came back. Pity his chakra-sensing wasn't up to par. The Nidaime would have crushed the insect that latched onto the boy's nape before it could even flap its wings to take flight.
Once the brat was out of hearing range, Shamal studied him closely, rubbing his chin, eyes half-lidded, guarded, intrigued. "That's a clever disguise, mixing Mist, Lightning, and a core of Sky Flames, huh? Very impressive, could fool almost anyone."
An Aburame sensor, huh? To detect the usage of fire-chakra was one thing, difficult yet doable for most chūnin, but to be able to discern all that in mere seconds... His henge was flawless, even if he had to reinforce and stabilize it with a green/orange fire-chakra combo because he sucked at genjutsu.
Naruto leaned against the back of his chair and smirked. "Not bad, ossan."
Shamal's jaw fell open. "O-ossan?" He slammed his palm against the kitchen table, knocking over his coffee cup and paying no mind to his soaked sleeve. "I'm thirty-one, brat. Thirty. One. Why, I'm in the prime of my life. Ask any lady out there and they'll tell you—"
"Ero-ossan."
"Oh, you little—"
"Haya-chan just fell asleep." His smirk made his words lighter than they should be, all the heavier in their implications. "That's a fast-acting sedative, administered by a mosquito, huh? Very impressive, could fool almost anyone."
Shamal's face closed off, all traces of comic outrage vanishing in an instant.
"Not bad, Volpe." Rolling up his wet sleeve, he mirrored Naruto—his smirk, the casual way he spoke, how he lounged on his chair. "Now, mind telling me why someone of your caliber would take an interest in my little runaway? Far as I know, foxes are solitary creatures, not pack animals."
Oh. Must be the henge. Naruto's expression softened, both at the nostalgic reminder and the confirmation of Hayato's circumstances. "So he did run away from home."
A flicker of pain, gone too quickly. Shamal sighed. "That is a long, sad story I really don't care to repeat. Not my kind of love story, you know? I'm all for happy endings."
Naruto's head tilted toward the badly hidden porn magazine, a deliberate, exaggerated glance, which Shamal pretended to miss while dabbing his coffee-stained sleeve with a tissue paper.
"Yeah, you're a regular hero, Ero-ossan." He rolled his eyes, getting back on topic, because he knew from experience that no manner of violence could beat the pervert out of him. If this guy was anything like Ero-sennin, then sadomasochism was an ingrained character trait by now. "Tell me, how often does Haya-chan get in trouble with disrespectful assholes talking shit about his dead mother?"
"Ah." Shamal crumpled up the tissue and threw it into the bin. When he met Naruto's stare, there was a smile in his eyes, an amused gleam, an epiphany. "One of those rare foxes, are you? Picking up kits right and left? How many have you gotten so far?"
Finally cottoned on, Ero-ossan. Now, how to make his recruitment pitch? Many scenarios raced through his mind, but... Who was he kidding? Naruto only ever had one way. Go big or go home. And, for the record, he was not going home without snatching up a vict—er, temp taichō.
The corners of his mouth peeled back, parted for a flash of sharp-tipped teeth. "I have more kits than tails these days."
Fire-chakra pulsed hot and heavy, twisting and contorting, reshaping itself into something tangible. Shamal stared with eyes wide and lips shut as it took form, split into identical parts, wild energy made will and fire. Nine tails snaked around his hips, burning brightly, imitating the blood orange of Kurama's fur.
Shamal reached for the closest one, dragged the pads of his fingers along its flaring line, down to its white-hot tip. As if in a daze, or drunk on fire, he murmured, "Thinking of adding to your skulk?"
Naruto grinned, a sly-curling of lips and mischief. "Interested?"
It was rhetorical. Shamal's chakra told him all he needed to know, indigo wisps clinging even as he drew his fingers back and away, grabbed the pack of his cigarettes and lit one up. Naruto used the small pause as the man reoriented himself to extinguish the chakra tails now that his offer had been made and received.
"Depends." Shamal exhaled a ring of smoke, brown eyes glinting with amusement again, but there was a subtle shift in his scrutiny. Something personal, an assessment. "I like to fly solo, you know, but Hayato happens to be my responsibility these days. So why don't we start by you telling me where your den is?"
Tricky question, but eh. Honesty was the best policy here, so he scratched his cheek and angled for a game of truth and omission. "Well, I've set up my own den on Giglio Nero's land."
"You've left your birth den then?"
"Nah, can't leave somewhere you've never been in the first place."
"Your sire is an idiot, right?"
"Among other things, yeah." Naruto smirked as Shamal processed the information, plunging into the heart of the matter when the man finished his smoke. "Wanna give it a trial period? No strings attached."
Shamal chuckled, shooting him a dirty look. "Bullshit. Hayato's never gonna leave if you take him in."
Naruto's smirk broadened. "So? Nothing stopping you from leaving once you've seen Haya-chan's in good hands."
He shrugged his shoulders, cavalier to the point of insult, and Shamal laughed, tipping his head.
"Touché, Volpe. Doesn't work that way, though, and you damn well know it." A theatrical sigh whooshed out of his lungs. "Aah, why couldn't you have been a vixen?"
Naruto flipped him off. "Keep dreaming, Ero-ossan."
Hayato adjusted to shinobi life with laughable ease, although that might have been because he met his fire-chakra soulmates.
The Red War lasted three days—three days during which Hana, Belphegor, and Hayato gave it their all to outsmart, incinerate, and kill each other, or go out in a blaze of glory. Hana won, but only because she had the advantage of knowing the five big no-nos of engagement.
Never stop to monologue. (Belphegor was too self-entitled not to give royal speeches.)
Never explain how your jutsu or strategy work. (Hayato was too proud not to explain.)
Never allow yourself to be distracted from your opponent. (Belphegor was too vainglorious not to lose his temper when his princely sensibilities were hurt.)
Never relax or cease attacking unless you've confirmed your target is incapacitated. (Hayato was too misogynistic not to dismiss Hana as soon as she played possum.)
Never exhaust your chakra and betray your position with flashy finishers unless they're a surefire hit. (Both Hayato and Belphegor were too in love with flashy moves not to throw them around like candy.)
Shamal spent the whole time drunk, flirting with Aria, and willing himself to believe the kiddie war was an alcohol-induced hallucination. (It was real. He was doomed, and he knew it, but in the words of Oscar Wilde, "I could deny it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked.")
The moment Gamma parked the car outside the Varia HQ, Belphegor sprinted out the door like he was being chased by the hounds of hell. Naruto and Gamma exchanged a glance full of mirth and wryness before they followed after him, only for Naruto to stop and stand stock-still once he caught sight of who the tiara-brat had run to. His mind shut down. His body went on autopilot. (Gamma wisely returned to the car and hit the lock button.)
"Mammon! Squa-senpai made the Prince stay with peasants for a whole week. It was horrible and demeaning and the Prince did not play with children and—and I will pay you triple the normal fee if you avenge me!"
Just as the person of interest was about to reply, Naruto initiated Operation Cursed Rainbow, Wrath of the Sensei, Phase One.
"You. Baby. With the nin-frog." A veritable explosion of killing intent shook the castle down to its foundations, with the hooded killer-baby as the epicenter. "You are very lucky the kids didn't come along. Never. Ever. Show your animal partner to my brats. If you even think about it..." His voice regressed to a low, raspy whisper, writhing with instinctual things, fluctuations in chakra, emotions thrashing in the silence, words layered with purpose and words unsaid. Death-threats, killing urges. "I will end you."
Nothing moved. Nobody spoke. Then Squalo burst into the room, eyes searching around frantically, half-bewildered, half-hopeful.
"Voi! What the fuck was that? It felt like Xanxus' Wrath on fucking steroids."
Naruto leashed his chakra, smiling, his stare searing through the killer-baby's hood. "Nothing. Just making sure your Arcobaleno and I have an...understanding."
The hood swayed back and forth as if the tiny body underneath was in the throes of an epileptic seizure. "I—I un-understa-stand."
Yeah, I bet you do. "Awesome. See you next time." Naruto bent down and patted the nin-frog twice, then waved goodbye and turned to leave.
"Voi, Mammon. What the hell did—are you...alright?"
"—worse than bankruptcy."
He walked out of the Varia HQ with a smile, the satisfaction of an averted crisis, and the conviction of having seen the last of the nin-animals for the day, leaving behind a half-bewildered, half-devastated Sword-Psycho, a shaken killer-baby, and a madly snickering tiara-brat.
It wasn't meant to be.
Naruto sat on the ground, gazing skyward, his back against the car door, or more precisely, the dented hunk of metal that used to be the driver's door before he had torn it off to escape the collision fifteen minutes ago. Both man and door had dived off the mountain road, crashing into the narrow, winding lane below the one where Gamma was in the process of ripping the motorcycle moron a new one. At least Gamma had come out of it relatively unscathed thanks to Naruto's swift rescue. It was debatable whether he would have survived the crash with mere scratches like him.
Glimpses were all Naruto had caught before he went airborne—windswept blond hair, stricken brown eyes, a killer-baby, a yellow-striped fedora, a fucking nin-chameleon.
"—the fuck were they thinking when they gave you a driver's licence?"
"I'm so sorry! My leg just cramped all of a sudden! I really didn't mean—"
"Disgraceful, Pipsqueak Dino. A mafia boss doesn't squeal like a little girl—"
That was it. He was done. Naruto made a kamikaze clone, armed it with two dozen grade three explosive tags, and tapped his earpiece. "Gamma. Code Jōnetsu Jigoku. I'm outta here."
Unlike the motorcycle moron, he even gave them fair warning. For Gamma's sake. He hadn't gone to all that trouble to save the man just to off him himself. (Because if Gamma was blown to kingdom come, Naruto was ranked number three on Aria's stud list, right below some poor, unaware bastard named Lancia. He had seen it.)
The last thing he heard before he slipped into the earth was Gamma's panicked, "Fire in the hole! Take cover!"