I was plagued by nightmares.
It was like the one that I had in the library triggered off a whole series. Some made me cry, and some made me scream. However, the dreams always started the same. I found myself standing on a tall hill with two paths that went down in opposite directions through a dark-looking forest. I had gone down both paths many times, and the results were always different. Faceless men would chase me through the forest or I would get lost or some other terrible outcome. More than once I had buried myself under my sheets, breathing deeply and trying to calm myself down. After a while I began to suffer from insomnia. I couldn't stop yawning during our music lesson, sometimes in the middle of a song.
"Why aren't you getting enough sleep?" Erik asked me after I had just had a big yawning session.
"Sorry," I grumbled.
"I don't believe that was an adequate answer. Why aren't you getting enough sleep?"
I glared at him. I was extremely grumpy when I was tired. "I just don't."
"Do you need longer to sleep in the morning? Do I have to send you to bed at an earlier time?" I could hear edge in his voice, too.
"Look, I'm not five, okay?"
"You certainly act like it!" he snapped, rising from his organ. I pretended to be offended.
"Oh, that cut really deep!" I scoffed at him and folded my arms.
"Come along," he growled, heading towards the door.
"Where are we going?" I demanded.
"You are going back to your room so you can sleep."
"No." I was becoming so tired of him bossing me around like he was my mother, so I simply refused. Mostly because I was sick of him, but also because I wanted to make him mad. Yes, quite childish, I admit.
"What?" He whirled to face me in disbelief.
"What if I don't want to?" I was testing his limits once again, seeing how far I could prod him before he burst. I saw his hands clench and shuddered involuntarily.
"You will be going even if you don't want to."
"Oh, I'm terrified…" I said sarcastically. He took a step towards me and I actually did step back. He was positively fuming, yet I was in too stubborn a mood to back down.
"Don't touch me!" I commanded, taking yet another step back. "You can't boss me around! You're not my father!"
"Of course not!" he spat. "I'm not trying to be…"
"Well you're doing a horrible job!"
He gave a sudden roar of rage. I practically jumped out of my skin.
"You stupid, stupid child!" he raged. "Do you understand nothing?! Have you come to realize anything at all?! No! How can you not understand?! Everything I have done has been for you! And you have the nerve to stand there and disobey me! You were lost, Christine, I could see it! You stumbled blindly in the dark with no apparent path before you and I simply set you in the right direction! How can you not see that?! Why can you not understand?" He grabbed my forearms violently and shook me.
I jerked back suddenly and gave him the most hateful glare that I could. "Do you think this is some sort of treat for me?! To be here, locked up?! I hate it here! I hate you! I want to go home! How can you expect me to simply obey you like a dog when I never wanted to even be here?!"
His hand rose swiftly as if to strike me, and I flinched, turning my head away. But his hand simply shot down to my wrist and he clenched it tightly. I gasped.
"What would you have done if I had not found you?" he hissed, and then he turned on his heel and began to pull me out of the room. His strides were long and I had to run to keep up with him. When we were finally in front of my door he fumbled with the key for a few seconds and then got it unlocked.
"Sleep," he commanded, shoving me inside. Then he shut it and I heard the click.
I was left numb of any describable emotion. What would I have done if he hadn't kidnapped me? Would I have stayed with Raoul…possibly marriage? I knew he was wealthy enough to support us, but would I have been happy…? Yes, probably. Probably. The word hisses across my head like some sort of jeer. Would I truly be happy with Raoul? I do suppose that, had I not known Erik, I would have been happy with him. I would have remained innocent to his dark, enchanting existence and I would have spent my days in the sun, carefree and blind to the horrors that are placed in this world. But I know that if I were to be set free I could never forget him, never erase him completely from my mind. It is terrifying when someone has such a powerful grip on your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual state. I feel like nothing belongs to me anymore; nothing is mine, not even my own mind! I want to kick and scream and run, run fast and never look back. But I would. I would turn around and stare. I am so weak! Why can't I be stronger?! Why am I like this?!
I curled tight in the sheets, gripping them with sweaty hands and sobbing quietly to myself. I am so pitiful! I scolded myself as the tears fell fast.
Stop it, Christine! Crying isn't going to help you!
And so, to escape my befuddled state, I tried to sleep. Tried. It really wasn't possible. I spent a horrible night curled under my blanket, my eyes closed. I was so physically exhausted, but my mind was buzzing nonstop. I had no way of knowing what time it was, so I laid in bed for hours, sighing loudly every now and then. It must have been time to get up…it had to be…
There was a knock on the door, and I heaved one last sigh before finding I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was so tired! I slunk out of bed and went over to the door, yawning widely. Really too tired to care that I was only dressed in a nightgown, I opened the door. He observed me, his eyes narrowed.
"Did you sleep at all?"
I shook my head slowly. "I can't. That's what I was trying to tell you…" My eyes were only partway open and I was staring at his chest.
"Why ever not?"
I gave a slumpy shrug and yawned widely. "I just can't get to sleep anymore," I told him, stopping in mid-sentence to stifle another yawn. He took a step towards me; I understood that it was his way of asking to come in. A little uneasy, I stepped back. He swept past me, almost arrogantly; I scoffed, rolled my eyes, and turned to look at him. He was standing by my bed. I blushed furiously when he motioned for me to get in. He seemed to suddenly understand why I was blushing and then I noticed him get uncomfortable too.
"No…not that," he muttered. "Just…something, well – hurry!" He barked the last word. I jumped and shyly slid between the sheets. He studied me for a minute but I couldn't and wouldn't meet his eyes. After a while he said calmly:
"You need sleep."
Obviously.
"Relax, Christine. Loosen every muscle in your body. Every single one…" His voice had become something ethereal. My head spun and suddenly I felt exhausted. A thick, warm layer enveloped me. What was he doing? His voice was soft, musical and rich. It was that more than anything that finally allowed me to go to sleep.
"Think of a place where you are at ease…where you feel safe…"
I was slowly slipping off and finally, finally…I fell asleep.