Happy belated birthday to this story. Can't believe I missed the posting by one day...
Warning: Italics and lots of it.
13. Yami's Epiphany
The light was too bright to see but when his vision cleared, Yami saw that he was standing amidst an explosion of colour. Flowers of all shapes, sizes, shades and horrifically powerful fragrances were hung from the large stained-glass windows, strung along the pews, and strewn all over the ground. The worst of which were the Tiger lilies, a vase of said pollen-spewing beasts resting beside his head. Another one was pinned to his white tuxedo.
Wait a minute.
Stained-glass windows?
Pews?
White tuxedo?
And who was the old, balding angel standing on stage with him? Why was he on stage in the first place? Yami blinked several times and looked around. The scene didn't change in the least. The pews were stuffed with angels in stark-white attire, some of whom were crying. Rays of faintly-coloured lights pierced through the windows, falling on the white train that ran the length of the isle. Yami's eyes followed the train from the wooden double doors to the front of the stage, where he and that balding angel stood underneath a flowered arch. Behind the arch was a large, golden candelabrum. An ivory candle stood in the centre and four candles stood in descending height on either side.
Before he could make sense of it all, the double doors burst open and a booming organ rattled some ancient-sounding song. The shadow of two winged creatures stood at the entrance, the light blinding Yami to their identities. Yami's eyes bulged when they stepped out of the light and slowly began making their way down the isle, arm in arm.
"Anzu, Joukat, where the crackslack are we? What the analpuss are you skunking wearing white?"
But they didn't seem to hear him, or if they did, chose to ignore him. Both were looking down as they robotically inched towards the stage. They climbed the two steps and parted, Jouhoochi standing beside Yami and Anzu taking her place on the other side of the stage.
Yami tried getting Jouhoochi's attention several times but Jouhoochi remained unresponsive. Creeped out, Yami's eyes swung back to the door.
The next two to come through, oddly enough, were Bakura and Yami's boss, Reapbecca. Yami wasn't sure if this was funny or terribly tragic. The sight of his aging, busty boss (who was wearing a low-cut cocktail dress that showed a hell of a lot of unpleasantly saggy cleavage) hanging off Bakura's arm wasn't something he'd soon forget. Like those that came before them, Bakura took his place beside Jouhoochi and Reapbecca (thankfully) went all the way to the other side where Anzu stood.
The music changed to a happier (but no less rattling) melody and Serenity came in wearing an extremely puffy, lacy dress. She tossed dried flowers on the ground as she skipped her way down the isle. When she reached the stage, she jumped (that's right, jumped) in front of Yami and curtseyed, leaving him nauseated as she scurried towards Anzu and Reapbecca.
Yami barely noticed the small boy toddling in after her. He was too focused on the handcuffs bouncing up and down on the silky white pillow he bore with both hands.
Something in the back of Yami's mind stirred at the sight of those. There had been something he'd read a long time ago, something he'd found so absolutely terrifying, he'd almost completely repressed it. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember what it was.
He was shaken out of his reverie when a low, powerful key was hit; initiating the most ominous tune he'd ever heard. The masses stood and faced the door.
"Angelinas and Angelos," came a voice out of nowhere, "Please welcome the bride."
The what?
They all clapped gleefully, some whistling and others crying even harder as a familiar spiky head appeared at the door.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
The Hypervirgin, and oh man it was just, it was just, Yami could barely bring himself to describe it, it was just too… too HOLY SHIT!
The Hypervirgin's head peeked out of a voluminous white conglomerate of ribbon, lace, and flower; the train of which was so long, eight angels followed behind to hold it up. Embedded in his wings were pink ribbons and roses, which saturated them to the point where barely any feathers showed through. A bow was tied around each spike of hair; the tails of each hanging long and swaying with each step he took. A thin veil covered his face but it was still obvious that he was wearing a lot of make-up. One arm was hooked around the bushy-browed cop (in his uniform) and the other carried a bouquet that was almost bigger than him.
Yami stared, frozen like a Hell deer in Heaven headlights. He wasn't aware of the time passing but the Hypervirgin was suddenly beside him.
"I am, indeed, so happy, demon Yami," He whispered, "So happy I am indeed."
Uh... huh…
Yami tried to make contact with his friends but their eyes were glazed over and they were looking down.
"I cannot believe the day has finally come for us, demon Yami. I am currently unable to articulate my joy at the moment and I am sure you feel similarly."
A sharp jab in his back made Yami grunt and he turned to see the bushy-browed cop behind him. "When the time comes, you better say 'I do' motha fuckah or shyt's gonna go down." There was a click and the object was driven deeper into his back.
Panicked (and confused), Yami tried to move, but found both his ankles shackled to the ground. The bushy-browed cop chuckled, his rancid breath making Yami wince. "Try it and you're gonna be more metal than man before you hit the ground."
"Oh demon Yami, I wish this moment can last for all eternity!" And somehow, no one seemed to notice.
He tried to scream but couldn't. He coughed and sputtered but the words were trapped. The hold on his neck tightened and the object was driven painfully into him.
"Dearly beloved…" Began the old, balding angel.
This couldn't be happening. Was he finally caught? Did they sneak into his room while he was sleeping, drug him and drag him here for his punishment? And why didn't he at least get a lawyer or even a phone call? And what the fuck did they do to his friends?
"Remember, 'I do' or shyt's gonna go down."
I do to what?
"And it's gotta be a 'happy' I do or say goodbye to your spine."
"Oh this is so beautiful!" Someone off to the side said.
"And do you, Yugi, take Yami to be your lawfully wedded pair for eternity and beyond, to always be at each other's side and never part, to have each other and no other, to always be in harmony and never disagree with one another, to always speak of good and not bad things, to display your intense contentment every day and to never become ill or face hardship as long as you are at each other's side?"
"I do!"
Yami started to shake.
"And Yami, do you agree to take Yugi in accordance to everything I have just said and wish not to repeat?"
The bushy-browed cop's voice was hot against his ear. "Or shyt will go down."
"I…" And why was his voice coming back now? He took a breath and the object was thrust harshly into him. "… D-do."
"Yay!" Was the gleeful reply as the Hypervirgin jumped up and grabbed Yami's face, kissing him everywhere but his mouth.
"And now for the ceremonial Shackle of Eternal Never Ending Binding of Pairship." In slow motion, the balding angel grabbed the pair of forebodingly sparkling handcuffs. "Please hold out your arms."
The Hypervirgin's arm shot forward and Yami's arm was forcibly lifted by the menacing being behind him. The handcuffs were clicked into place, the key swallowed by the balding angel.
"I now declare you eternally bonded, never to part each other until the end of eternity."
"Oh demon Yami, I am indeed overjoyed without compare," The Hypervirgin said, lifting off his veil and throwing it to side. "You may now kiss me as you have so wished, demon Yami!"
Yami was shoved forward, the object now pressed against the back of his head. "Do it."
But it was the Hypervirgin who dove forward and threw his arms around Yami's neck, planting the wettest, most lipstick-smeared kiss Yami had ever received. Strangely enough, the cop disappeared as soon as the small angel latched onto him.
"Oh demon Yami," the Hypervirgin exclaimed, his large eyes shining, "I cannot, indeed, believe we are now a married pair. I am indeed, so very, very happy!"
Married…
Around him, the audience started clapping, the sound so loud, it caused Yami to flinch and close his eyes.
"We shall be eternally bonded, demon Yami!"
Bonded…
And, somehow, the sound just kept getting louder and louder. It was deafening.
"We shall never part and we shall never suffer. We are pair demon Yami, a pair!"
We are a pair.
He wanted to cover his ears but he couldn't. His head started to spin and his vision slowly blackened.
A Pair.
A Pair.
We are a pair…
Yami woke up screaming.