"So, where do you want me to begin?" Chuuya asks with a smirk that I know he's using to hide his nerves. I feel bad for making him feel so anxious but I'm just curious about his past and he knows to only tell me what he's comfortable with. I think about his question for a minute and grab his hand before I respond.
"How about your childhood, what was it like?" I ask simply and he looks away from me and out towards the city. After we took our time eating and just chatting casually, Chuuya suggested we go up to the top floor of his building. There's a huge garden that the residents help to maintain with seating all around, it's also a warm night, so I'm glad he had suggested it. It's also really soothing and it makes me wonder if Chuuya comes here alone. His grip on my hand tightens slightly and he moves a little bit closer to me.
"I lived with just my mom for most of it whose name was Ammy, she was always such a good person and I always looked up to her, especially since I never really had a dad. The dad I had was a piece of shit and left when I was 5, I don't even remember his name. Mom and I were alone for a while, we got a small apartment and we somehow managed to scrape by for a few years. Mom had never really worked because she had my dad so the job she managed to get was pretty low-paying. After a few years she met another guy and he moved in quick. He was okay for a while, I tolerated him, but mom seemed happy so that made me somewhat happy.
"A few years after then, mom started to not be as happy as she once was. She started losing weight and something just wasn't right. The guy she was with couldn't be bothered to take care of her or even help to figure out what was wrong so he bailed when I was around 14. At this time, mom was still able to work and I was still in school for the time being but her health kept getting worse and we still didn't know what was wrong, she also didn't want to admit anything was wrong. She had me to take care of and I know she wanted to support me no matter what.
"By the time I was 16, mom was debilitated and I had to drop out of school, get a job, and try to support the both of us. We finally found a doctor who wasn't a complete idiot and was able to diagnose her. She had a disease that slowly ate away at her brain, it started with her mood, she was never happy by that point and she would change from one mood to the next in an instant. Then she started to not understand things properly or be able to complete daily tasks. There were days where I'd have to help her walk just from bed to the couch and when I had to work all I could do was worry about her. I was barely making enough money for the both of us and I was exhausted, that was when I met the owner of the club I started working in," it was at this point Chuuya's voice trails off and he becomes quiet. I chance a glance at his face and his eyes are shining like they were filling with tears and it instantly made my heart break.
"Chuuya, I'm sorry… you don't have to talk about it," I say quietly to try and comfort him and his eyes meet mine. He has a soft blush on his cheeks and he slowly shakes his head before he looks away again.
"No, it's okay. I just haven't thought about any of this for a long time…" he takes a deep inhale and grips my hand just a little bit tighter. "He came into the shop I was working at and stared at me, like I was something he could buy. He didn't even bother to ask how old I was, he just said I could make a lot of money if I worked for him and I needed money bad so I barely thought twice about what the job could be. I said I'd work for him and he gave me an address to meet him at and I started that night at 10pm, which seemed weird but I went with it.
"So, I showed up at the address and it was a strip club. I definitely thought about not going in but I needed to take care of mom, that was my number one priority so I did what I had to. I walked in and saw the owner standing by the bar, he grabbed me by the shoulders and guided me to the back room and told me I would be on stage in 20 minutes. I remember panicking, I obviously had never done anything like this in my life and what the hell was I even supposed to do? But, I went on stage and tried my best and apparently I did well because I made more in tips that night than I made working a whole day at my other job. People apparently liked the younger acts, they would tell me how cute I was and would always say I was the prettiest one there… which was really weird to me but if I played it up I made more money so that's what I did.
"I worked there full time within a week and I actually kind of liked it. It was great because I could take care of mom during the day then work at night while she slept. I would bring home fist-fulls of cash every night and it felt awesome making that much money at a young age. After a while my boss told me I was the club favourite and he wanted to start letting people buy me. I didn't fully think about what this meant, I just knew it meant more money which meant better care for mom so I agreed. I was sold to high paying customers for certain amounts of time, it started off with just simple… tasks, but my boss started letting people do more and more to me for a price. I wanted to quit but I obviously couldn't and I wanted to tell these people to just fuck off but how could I do that? I would have been fired. So I went along with it and let these disgusting people do as they pleased because at the end of the day I just needed to get paid. This was just a job to me," Chuuya finishes his statement and let's go of my hand, reaches into his jacket, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He places one to his mouth and lights it, his eyes shut as he inhales then open on his exhale. I don't like smoking and I hate to admit that he looks really attractive right now, I bite my lip to keep from blushing. He eventually looks over to me and gives me a soft smile. "Ah, I smoke sometimes… I'm sorry I haven't told you."
"No! No it's okay, I understand," I stammer anxiously and he stares at me before taking another drag. "But please try and quit, it's a bad habit."
"I will try for you," he says with a smirk and he grabs my hand with his free one then brings it to his mouth and places a soft kiss there. I feel myself blush despite my best efforts and Chuuya just smiles before he lowers our linked hands onto his lap, his thumb softly brushes along my skin and it's calming, though I feel like I should be the one taking care of him at the moment. "So, anyways. I worked at the club for just over 2 years, I was 18 and I hated my job. It felt routine, I felt horrible about myself, I hated the way I was being treated, and I hated my life. That was when I met Dazai.
"I remember I was coming out from the back and he was standing by the curtain, he gave me a once over, I had barely anything on, and I wanted to punch him out right then and there. He said something along the lines of, 'you're almost prettier than a girl,' and I told him to fuck off but he grabbed my wrist and said he would pay more for me than anyone in the club if he could just have an hour with me. I absolutely hated myself for saying yes to this prick but I was such a desperate fool for money so I let him buy me. He was a lot nicer to me than other people which I had to admit was nice and he eventually became my only customer. My boss hated it, that I wasn't being used to entertain others, but I didn't give a fuck because Dazai was paying me more than they ever could and I wasn't being used by disgusting men anymore. Once my boss had threatened to fire me, Dazai made me the offer of joining the escort business with him and I instantly accepted it. I quit my stripping job the next day," Chuuya finishes his sentence with a final drag off his cigarette before standing up to toss it off the edge of the building. He leans against the railing and I get up to join him. The city is so quiet from up here and everything looks so small, there's a slight breeze and when I glance over at Chuuya it blows perfectly through his hair, he looks so gorgeous and soft. Just the sight of him makes my heart hurt but in the best possible way.
"You're amazing you know," I say quietly and Chuuya looks up at me with an expression that's almost shocked. He blinks at me a few times and I can see the shine in his eyes again that I had seen earlier.
"I tell you I join the escort business with shitty Dazai and you tell me I'm amazing?" he scoffs more than asks and I simply nod.
"I'm happy you're being so open with me, it means a lot that you're telling me all of this," I say quietly and Chuuya's cheeks flush a soft pink. His eyes stay on mine and I can see him bite the inside of his lip before he looks out towards the bright city below us.
"I've never told anyone all of this before… It's hard, but it feels good to have someone who wants to listen. And I'm glad that someone is you Atsushi," he replies softly and I feel my eyes start to burn with tears. I absolutely cannot let myself cry right now so I try and distract myself by following Chuuya's gaze out towards the city. I watch the cars drive along the streets down below and the odd person who happens to be walking by.
"I'm glad I'm that someone too Chuuya," I conclude and we stay quiet for a while, just watching the city life. I almost forget why we're up here until Chuuya starts speaking again.
"I hate Dazai now, but I can't deny that he was good for me at one time," he starts and I can't help but watch him as he speaks. I can see the memories displayed on his face as he remembers them and he looks almost happy. "He was there for me when I needed him the most and he practically saved me. When I started working with him we became closer and closer. The company we worked for was expensive, we only served the richest people in the city, we were both making a ton of money and living right. I was happy for once.
"That happiness was short lived though, my mom died a week before my 19th birthday and that was when my whole life shattered. Everything I had done up until that point was for her. I busted my ass working every single night doing disgusting things for filthy people and degrading myself in front of everyone to make money for her, so I could give her everything she needed, so when she was gone what did I have to live for? I felt like giving up completely and I would have but Dazai made me keep going. I took 3 days off work when she died then I was back at it, Dazai set up dates for me and made me keep working. At the time I felt grateful, it was a good distraction, but after a while I realized what was going on.
"Dazai started using me. He managed to practically become partners with the owner of the company through persuasion and he would now be making gains through me. The owner knew we got along well and Dazai reassured him that I would continue to keep making him money so he let Dazai control my schedule. I basically became Dazai's employee and he used me for his own personal gain while I was completely fucked up because I couldn't understand anything else going on besides the grief from mourning that I felt. He would book me with multiple clients a day and I had to do whatever they wanted, I didn't even care at the time because I was so depressed I just felt numb and it gave me something to do to pass the time. Dazai would work with me sometimes and that was good because it would be only him touching me and that felt nice for a change, it felt like he actually gave a shit about me, but that happened so rarely it that it didn't help me feel better for very long.
"That's how things were for a long time, I worked for Dazai and he did with me as he pleased. Eventually I started coming to my senses and I started hating Dazai as the days went on, we both started hating each other honestly. Thing's started getting harder and harder and we just grew to despise one another, how could we not? We were together in such a toxic situation and we were always together, it eventually got to the point where we just used each other to try and feel good about ourselves. We both probably would have left if it weren't for the money, we were still making a ton of cash so we were stuck.
"When I was 21, one of my clients was a rich, old, entrepreneur who owned multiple businesses. I was his escort for years at this point so we knew each other well and he made me a proposition. He wanted me to run Viñedo's, he said he wanted to let some of his businesses go because he was getting older and this one was small so he wouldn't miss it. He liked me and thought I had potential as a business owner, I have no idea how he thought that but I'm glad he did because owning the business was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I was able to start fresh and get away from everything I had known. I actually wanted to live again and that felt so good. I worked with this man for a while before he signed the deed over to me and as soon as he did I quit the escort business completely. I left the business, told Dazai to fuck off, and I had never felt so good in my life," Chuuya finishes and I can hear the smile in his voice. Sure enough, when I turn to face him he's beaming and the sight makes me smile too. I move to stand behind him and I pull his body against mine by his waist as I wrap my arms around him, he instantly leans back into me and I hear him sigh as he relaxes.
"I'm so sorry about everything that happened with your mom, you were so young… you're so strong. But, I'm so happy things turned around for you Chuuya, you really deserve it," I say softly against his neck and he lets out a soft moan. He moves his hands up to twine them with mine where they rest across his stomach and he pulls me tighter to him, he feels so warm against me and it's the most comforting feeling in the world to have him in my arms.
"Thank you Atsushi, and I'm happy they did too, I would have never met you if they hadn't," he says and I bury my face into his neck as I blush, he laughs as he reassuringly squeezes my hands. "I'm serious though, if it wasn't for my shitty upbringing and everything that came with it I never would have met you. I'm so glad I did Atsushi, you're the best thing to ever happen to me."
"Chuuya…" I sigh at his confession and he turns around in my arms to face me. Despite everything he just told me he's smiling and I'm shocked that this is how he's reacting to this situation. He brings his arms up to wrap them around my neck then reaches up to kiss me, his lips on mine at this moment is breath taking and I can't help the small moan that leaves me. His mouth is so soft on mine as he kisses me sweetly and it makes me crave so much more as I pull him closer to me. He kisses me with the same softness for only a moment longer before he pulls away, his cheeks are flushed and his lips are shiny, he looks just as breath taking as he made me feel.
"Thank you for listening to me, it means a lot," he says with a kiss to my chest and I run a hand up along his back until I reach his face where I lightly brush his hair back. His eyes close at the touch and he leans into my hand, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen so I keep it there and gently caress his cheek with my thumb. A soft moan leaves his lips and then his eyes meet mine, they're shining a bright shade of blue but he doesn't look sad like he did earlier. That makes me instantly happier.
"Of course, and I'm glad you told me everything. I feel so much closer to you now and I promise I still don't think any less of you so please don't worry," I say with a kiss to Chuuya's forehead and when I pull away he looks on the verge of tears, my heart instantly starts racing and I back away slightly in worry.
"Thank you, so much. You have no idea how good that makes me feel," he says quietly before wrapping his arms around my chest and pulling me into a tight hug that almost stops me from breathing. I hug him back and let myself relax knowing that he's okay. We stay like this for a moment before Chuuya pulls away and grabs my hands, "can we go back inside now? I'm cold and I really need you close to me," he asks and I blush as I nod then let him pull me back into the building. I didn't realize that I was cold either until the warm air hits me as we enter and it sends a shiver through me.
When we make it back to Chuuya's apartment we're both cold and extremely tired. It's been a really long day I realize as I remember everything that's happened just within the last few hours and I smile at every thought that runs through my mind. I check the time and see it's 3am, no wonder I'm exhausted. I watch as Chuuya runs his hands up and down his arms to try and warm himself up as he goes to turn up the heat on the thermostat and I'm thankful when I hear it instantly click on. When he makes his way back to me he grabs my hands and looks up at me with a smile that screams mischief.
"Why are you giving me that look…" I state more than ask and he gives me a grin.
"I know earlier you said you wanted to sleep in the guest room but can you please sleep with me? I just want to snuggle up to my little tiger," Chuuya asks with a squeeze to my hands and I know I'm blushing bright red as I nod. I could never turn him down and honestly I want the same thing he does. So with my confirmation, Chuuya smiles and drags me along with him to his room. He lets go of my hands, undresses quick, and jumps into bed in an instant. I'm barely to my side of the bed before he's beckoning to me, "Hurry up tiger I'm freezing!"
"Okay, okay I'm coming. Using me for my warmth…" I trail off as I strip down to just my briefs and Chuuya actually giggles, the sound makes my heart melt. When I join him in bed he takes no time in getting as close to me as possible and wrapping both an arm and a leg around me. I pull him close in response and we both sigh as the bed encloses us in comfort and warmth.
"Hey 'sushi?" Chuuya begins and I hum in response, "thank you for everything. I've been a complete sap tonight but seriously. Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me for anything ever Chuuya, I'll always be here for you. And you know I love your sappy side," I say with a smile and he scoffs against my chest which makes me smile more. After that we're quiet, the only sound being our breathing and it's really relaxing. It feels amazing to just be here with Chuuya after everything today and I feel so blessed to be here with him now. Being away from him for so long was honestly painful but having him so close in this moment made that break worth it. I try and think about all the things that happened today; finally having Chuuya back, him telling me everything about his life, and how he did everything he did just for his mom- I smile at how sweet that really is. But exhaustion finally starts to get the best of me and I figure I should probably just give into it, I definitely need the sleep.