I pulled into the driveway early Tuesday afternoon. We had finally found a Trenton pediatrician both sides of the family could agree on, and Sofi was finally caught up on her shots. The indignities visited upon her small person had driven her right into a towering Italian rage, complete with bulging veins and shaking fists. Frankly, I was glad Joe was still working overtime on the Donaldson investigation, and had been unable to go to the doctor with us as he'd originally planned. I shuddered to think what his reaction would have been to Nurse Cratchett poking his beloved Sofi with long, sharp needles. Sofi had worn herself out, and the combination of rage and pain reliever had lulled her into a deep sleep. I had a fleeting flirtation with the idea of a nap, when I recognized Paulie's wife, Marie, sitting in my driveway.
Her face was pale and set when I knocked on her window. If anything, she looked more fragile than she had on Thanksgiving, almost as if she would shatter and blow away at the slightest breeze. Obviously miles away, she startled before she shot me a smile that didn't reach her eyes, and told me she would meet me in the house. I left the door open behind me and went quickly up the stairs to put Sofi down. I barely knew Marie, and racked my brain to come up with any reason she'd be sitting in my driveway on a Tuesday afternoon.
I came back down the stairs just as Marie was wrestling a large flat package through the front door. I went to help her move it, then quickly shut the door before the whole house was freezing. "Thanks," Marie said absently, rubbing her too-thin arms in a sweater that wasn't nearly warm enough for the cold of the day.
"Come on in and have a seat," I said. I went over and nitched up the thermostat a few degrees. Joe would promptly turn it back down when he got home. He'd give me a hard time for running up the gas bill, I'd respond by telling him we weren't all as hot-blooded as he was, then he'd laugh and cuddle up next to me on the couch, and stick my cold feet under the edge of his sweatshirt to warm them up. I looked longingly at the mantle clock. Joe wouldn't be home for hours yet, so the central heat was going to have to do.
Marie was nervously fiddling with the string holding the brown kraft paper around what was obviously a large picture frame. "What have you got?" I asked.
"A present for Sofi. Well, for Sofi's room, anyway. I hope you like it." She spoke in short, jerky bursts, obviously uncomfortable. I determined to make appreciative noises even if she'd brought a godawful picture of Grandma Bella. I helped her unwrap the frame, then turned it to face me.
I was wrong. It wasn't a picture, but a painting. A rather nice on, in fact, that would look really nice in Sofi's room. It had a misty, ethereal quality about it, all soft forest colors, somewhere between an impressionist landscape and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. Still, the soft, dreamy quality and muted colors would look beautiful in Sofi's room. "It's beautiful," I said sincerely.
"Thank you." Marie looked down at her hands, and a faint blush rose on her cheeks.
"No, I really like this. Where did you…" I broke off. Wait a minute. That green leaf down in the corner wasn't a leaf after all, but a small, smiling face. A spray of yellow wildflowers became the wind-blown hair of a fairy princess. A horse rose out of white and gray clouds, majestic and strong. "Oh, my God. Look at this!" I rapidly pointed out the hidden parts of the painting and began looking for more. Was that a rabbit hiding in the tree, his long ears blending perfectly with the long leaves on the branches? I squinted at another amorphous blob, trying to decide if it was a watery flower or a mermaid.
"You really like it?" Marie's voice took on warmth and vitality for the first time.
"It's wonderful," I said, before it finally dawned on me. "Did you paint this?" I asked incredulously. She nodded, and seemed pleased at my obviously genuine enthusiasm. "Wow."
"Marie, this is fabulous. Thank you!" Impulsively, I leaned over and put my arms around her. What a beautiful addition to Sofi's nursery, and how thoughtful of Marie to paint it for her. It was a perfect little girl's wonderland, full of happy, bright things. I imagined the hours Sofi would spend unwinding its secrets as she got older.
"I'm glad you like it," Marie said, and this time the smile reached up to her eyes. She had tiny, delicate features, and relaxed and smiling she was really very pretty. She was probably ten years my senior, but she was aging well, with the clear, poreless complexion that seemed to stave off wrinkles forever. Her hair was a rich, deep brown that fell in a perfectly straight waterfall to well below her shoulders. "When I was a little girl, I was convinced I could see things that other people couldn't." She shrugged slightly, then continued. "After awhile, I realized that maybe I just wanted to see those things, but it still comes out in my painting." She sounded sad as she finished, and the haunted look was back in her eyes.
I was at a loss. Obviously, Marie was deeply troubled, but I didn't know quite how I fit into this equation. Marie reached over and squeezed my hand, "Don't worry, Stephanie. I'm fine," she said, just as if she had read my mind. I realized she must be a keen observer as an artist, and I shouldn't be surprised she could read me so easily. It's already well-established that I can't bluff for anything, and half the world knows my sexual habits just by looking at my face. I decided that two could play the honesty game.
"No, you're not fine, but you want me to think that."
"Okay, I'll give you that one. I'm not fine. But I hope I will be fine." She gathered her thoughts. "I'm leaving Paulie," she said baldly. "I wanted to finish the painting for Sofi and drop it off. I've already sent the kids to my mother's, and I'll be picking them up there as soon as I leave here."
I didn't ask why. Everyone in the Burg knew why, for God's sake. I settled for "Where will you go?"
"I don't want Paulie to know."
"Then I won't tell him. But I'd like to stay in touch," realizing even as I said it that I meant it.
She thought for a minute, weighing her options. Weighing me. "Syracuse. We're going to Syracuse."
"Okay. If you need anything…" I stopped. Obviously, she had planned this down to the last detail.
"I won't, but thanks." She smiled at me again, that small, beautiful smile that we saw all too seldom. "And could I ask a favor?"
"Sure."
"Tell Joe to take care of Paulie, will you?" She started to tear up, and I have to admit I was surprised. I would have thought that Paulie had long destroyed any tender feelings from his wife, but I was obviously wrong. "He's not a bad person, Stephanie, really. A lousy husband, yeah. But not a bad person." She was trying to laugh through her tears, and losing the battle. She drew in a shuddering breath.
"Remember I said I used to think I could see things other people couldn't?"
I nodded.
"It was like that with Paulie. Everybody else just saw another out of control Morelli boy who wasn't worth his salt. But I saw something else. Or I thought I did. I thought I could see past the womanizing, and past the hurtful things, and see the real Paulie. The Paulie nobody else could see. The guy who was sweet and funny, charming and tender. That's the Paulie I fell in love with. And I kept thinking if I was just patient enough, if I loved him enough, that hidden Paulie would come out." She looked at me with big, sad eyes.
"It's been fifteen years, and I'm still waiting. And in the meantime, I'm just tired of hurting. Eventually, it reached the point where it hurts more to stay than it does to go, so I'm going."
I nodded in understanding. "Keep in touch, okay? I won't tell Paulie where you are, but I need to know you're okay." I pulled her in for a fierce hug, wanting to fill her with all the hope and good wishes I could. She deserved to be happy. Hell, we all deserve to be happy.
"I will," she said. She gave me another small smile, got into her car, and slowly drove away in the waning afternoon light. I shut the door behind her and leaned against the wall and cried. I cried for Marie, I cried for how close Joe and I had come to losing each other, and finally I cried for Paulie, who had no idea what he would lose until it was too late.
Sofi demanded my full attention when she woke up, which forced me out of my blue funk. I said a little prayer for Marie and her kids, then belatedly added Paulie, mostly because I thought Marie would want me to. Sofi was crabby and fractious, and wanted to be held constantly. I finally stole a few minutes and dug through the freezer for one of Angie Morelli's manicotti dishes and threw it in the oven. I conscientiously set the timer, remembering the billows of black smoke a few weeks earlier when I had neglected to do so. I didn't so much mind Joe's smirk or even the acrid scent of burned cheese. Mrs. Morelli made killer manicotti, and the last batch had charred to a cinder thanks to a runaway oven and Joe's runaway libido. I smiled at the memory of Joe fanning the smoke out the kitchen window while wearing nothing more than what God had gifted him with. We'd both laughed and split the last pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream for dinner that night, but tonight I wanted the warmth of the kitchen and the homey smell of homemade cooking permeating the house. I drew my sweater tighter around me and nudged the heater up another notch. I hoped Joe would be home soon. Somehow his very presence made the house cozier, warmer, and more inviting.
I scooped up my poor unhappy Sofi, and saw we had at least another hour before I could give her another dose of pain reliever. Her face was warm, but not overly hot. She had just enough of a fever to be miserable, but not enough to really worry about. I bundled her in some soft light blankets and dimmed the lights. I rocked her steadily, crooning quietly to her in a nonsensical monotone that I hoped would soothe her back to sleep.
I saw a pair of headlights in the front window, and my heart skipped a little beat. I smiled at myself. I'd been sleeping with Joe Morelli off and on for more than 15 years, but my heart still gave that little skip when he came home. I heard the welcome sound of his key in the lock, and turned my face to the front door and gave him a welcoming smile. Sofi wasn't quite asleep, but she was quiescent, and I was hesitant to disturb her. "How are my girls?" Joe asked his usual question, and smiled at us both before leaning down to give Sofi a fleeting kiss on top of her head, and me a more leisurely kiss that told me he'd had a long day and was glad to be home.
"We missed you," I answered for both Sofi and myself. Joe dropped tiredly on the sofa and slipped off his shoes and jacket.
"How'd she do at the doctor?" Joe asked.
I decided to skip the finer points since there wasn't anything Joe could do to change anything anyway. "She's fine, just a little crabby. Her temperature is up, but nothing unexpected."
"Hey, Sof. You having a hard day?" Joe asked his daughter while his big hand cradled the back of her head. Sofi roused at hearing her Daddy's voice, and gave him a sleepy smile. I could see that the two of them would take comfort in each other, so I handed Sofi off to Joe and went to check on dinner.
The timer told the manicotti had another five minutes to go, so I got out plates and forks, and opened a bottle of red wine. Joe looked like he could use a glass to unwind. I grabbed some napkins, and went back into the livingroom to set up dinner on the coffee table. I smiled softly to myself to see Joe at the thermostat, dutifully turning it down. He caught my smile and answered with one of his own. "I'm going to buy you some thicker socks." I chuckled as I went back to the kitchen to get the manicotti and Sofi's medicine.
Sofi's meds kicked in while we ate, and Joe laid her down to nap, noticing the painting propped against the wall for the first time. "What's this?" he asked.
"Marie painted it for Sofi. Isn't it awesome?"
Joe went over to examine the painting more closely. "Wow. This is great." He studied it awhile longer. "What do you mean Marie painted it?"
"Paulie's wife, Marie. She painted it for Sofi's room. She brought it by today before…" Oops. Too much.
"I didn't know Marie painted."
"Yeah, neither did I. I was really surprised when she told me, but it's great, isn't it? I keep finding new things in it that I missed the first time I looked at it." I was babbling, but I was sincerely hoping Joe was tired enough not to notice my slip. He was still absorbed in the painting when the doorbell rang. Yes, somebody up there loves me. I practically skipped across the floor to answer the door.
God has a weird sense of humor.
"Hi, Paulie. Come on in." This was not going to be good. Nope. No matter what kind of face I tried to put on it, I couldn't figure any way this evening wasn't going straight to hell.
Paulie looked straight at Joe. "Marie left me." Joe swiveled his head and looked straight at me, not missing a thing.
Shit.
Paulie noticed the painting for the first time. Not good. I started hyperventilating, then purposefully calmed myself back down. I didn't have anything to worry about.
"Where did you get that?"
I spoke calmly and quietly, hoping these two hot tempered Italian males would take the hint. "Marie brought it by for Sofi." Stick with the truth, Stephanie, just don't volunteer anything.
"When? What time? Did she say where she was going?" Paulie sounded frantic, but I didn't really care.
"She came by this afternoon and we talked for awhile."
"Did you know she was leaving?" This from Joe.
"Yes."
"Do you know where she is?" Joe asked.
"Yes."
"And?" Paulie couldn't restrain himself. Seemed like that was an ongoing problem, I thought uncharitably.
"And she doesn't want you to know." I set my jaw and looked straight at him, giving nothing away.
Paulie made a classically Italian motion—part shrug, arms waving and eye rolling all at once. I was impressed. I would never have been able to get it all together so effortlessly. Probably the Hungarian genes from my mother prevented the Italian from operating smoothly like that. Too bad. It was a really eloquent move that didn't require any words at all. He topped the whole thing off with a mute appeal to Joe to reason with his unreasonable wife. Truly impressive. I did my best imitation of Joe's cop face and turned to look at him completely guilelessly, as if butter wouldn't melt in my mouth.
"Cupcake," he started.
"Joe, I was worried about Marie. I asked her to tell me where she was going so I could stay in touch and make sure she and the kids are okay. She agreed to tell me only after I promised not to tell Paulie. I have to honor that."
He nodded his shaggy head. He wasn't happy, but he understood. Not so Paulie.
"That's bullshit. Marie is my wife. Those are my kids. I have a right to know where they are," he demanded.
Big mistake. I saw a red haze in front of my eyes. "Bullshit? Let me tell you what's bullshit, Paulie." Joe stood up, and the look I shot him would have sent a weaker man to his knees. Instead, he just lazily leaned up against the mantle. I wasn't fooled. He had strategically placed himself midway between me and his brother. I didn't know who he was planning to protect, but at the moment, I was thinking Paulie was going to need the paramedics by the time I got through with him.
"Bullshit is fucking around on your wife, then coming in here and shooting your mouth off about your rights."
Paulie interrupted me. "Those women meant nothing!"
"Nothing to you, maybe. Obviously, they meant something to Marie! Or didn't you think about that? Huh? Do you know what it is for a woman to make love to a man, Paulie? Think about it for a minute. Think about the mechanics. Women have to trust someone else enough to let them inside our own bodies, It's a hell of a leap of faith, Paulie, and not one most women make lightly. For fifteen years, Marie loved you enough, trusted you enough to let you inside her own body. And you threw aside this trust, this sacred trust, for something that you say means nothing to you. You threw away your own wife's happiness for nothing. She meant less to you than nothing. Think about it. Why in the hell would she want to stay?" With that, I decided I had said enough, and I stomped off up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door.
I didn't sleep. I could hear Joe and Paulie talking late into the night. Sometimes their voices were quiet, sometimes one or both of them were all but shouting at each other. I intentionally tuned out the details. I had said what I needed to say, and I didn't particularly care what else happened. I was glad that Joe was willing to sit there and listen to Paulie; It absolved my conscience. I had promised Marie I would ask Joe to take care of Paulie, and I hadn't had the chance. It looked like the brothers were so used to looking out for each other that my promise hadn't been necessary after all. I was glad. Marie may have seen things positive things hiding deep within Paulie, but I didn't like what I saw at all. And I didn't like the way Paulie made me examine my own life and actions. Most of all, I didn't like the way he made me feel about myself.
I finally heard the front door close, and Joe's tread on the stairs. He came into the bedroom quietly, not saying anything. I just laid there, my eyes open and dry, watching him in the moonlight. He dropped his clothes and climbed into bed next to me. He turned on his side facing me, and propped his head on one arm. "You were pretty hard on my brother tonight."
"Yes." I turned to face him in the concealing darkness. His free hand began to stroke absently up and down my side. "I wasn't any harder on him than I've been on myself, Joe. I had a lot of time to think while we were apart. For the longest time, I would look in the mirror, and all I could see was the look in your eyes when you saw me in that alley." Joe's hand stilled, but I reached out and grasped it before he could withdraw. "I looked in the mirror, and I hated what I had become."
I steadied my breathing and went on. "I saw someone who had taken a precious gift and thrown it away over something meaningless, something without value. I had to look at myself and face the sad fact that I had become a person who had chosen stroking my own ego over the feelings of a good man who loved me. I was Paulie." I held Joe's hand in a painful grip, that one point of contact all that was holding me together. "I hated what I had become, and I vowed if I ever got another chance, I would never, ever make those same mistakes again. I would make sure that you knew, every minute of every day, just how much I love you and how much your love means to me."
"As long as Paulie believes infidelity is no big deal, then Marie is better off without him. And I'm not telling him where she is."
"Okay," Joe said quietly. He leaned over and gave me a gentle, questing kiss. It started out slow and chaste, but quickly accelerated. His eyes hot, breathing ragged, Joe moved over me, "I love you, Cupcake. Don't ever doubt it."
"Never, Joe. I could never doubt you. I love you, too." I closed my eyes and held him close as he began to move.
I woke slowly in the predawn light the next morning. I was on my back, with the warm weight of Joe's sleeping body still sprawled over the top of me. I loved waking up entwined with Joe. I stretched just a little to ease a tight spot in my back, and Joe shifted position slightly. Knowing his alarm would soon sound, I ran my fingers gently through his overly long waves, then pressed some light kisses along his forehead. He smiled in his sleep, and his arms wrapped tighter around me. I ran my fingers along the shell of his ear. "Hey, sleepyhead," I whispered, "It's about time to get up and go to work."
Joe opened one eye. "Habba bedda idea."
I chuckled, "I'm sure you do, Officer Hottie, but Sofi is going to be yelling for breakfast in a few minutes and we really don't have time."
"Unh." I laughed at the amount of disgust he could cram into one single syllable.
I loved watching the shadows play across his morning beard. His thick lashes lay feather soft against the high, hard planes of his cheekbones. A small frown still furrowed between the wings of his eyebrows, and I could swear there was just the tiniest hint of a pout on his softly relaxed lips. I didn't often have the luxury of watching Joe sleep in the morning, and I determined to enjoy every second. The one eyeball opened halfway up again, and the frown lines got deeper. "What?"
"Just watching." It's funny, I could practically watch consciousness seep back into Joe's face. I have to admit, it happened a lot faster for him than it ever did for me. In less than a minute, Joe was articulate and clear eyed, and I envied him that. Most morning saw me stumbling around in a blur for at least a half hour after my initial caffeine infusion.
With perfect timing, we both heard Sofi start to fuss in her shiny new nursery. "You're on top," I reminded him. Joe pushed up on his elbows, then stopped to give me blistering kiss before getting the rest of the way up and disappearing down the hall.
"You shoulda woke me up sooner, Cupcake," he called back over his shoulder.
Yeah, I should have. I sighed and sat up, ready to feed Sofi before we started our morning rush out the door. Instead, Joe came back in with Sofi and sat on the edge of the bed while she nursed. "You're thinking pretty loud this morning," I observed.
Joe rubbed his hands over his face, and I could hear the sandpaper sound of his morning stubble raking over the calluses on his hands. Intimately familiar with the feel of both the stubble and those hands, I sighed and purposely tamped down the flicker of desire that had started up all on its own. "I just don't want this thing with Paulie and Marie to come between us."
"It won't unless one of us puts it there," I said carefully. I was all in favor of not letting Joe's brother and sister in law's marital difficulties drive a wedge between us, but if Joe thought that meant I would automatically acquiesce to whatever he wanted, he had another think coming.
"Paulie's my brother, Stephanie. He's really upset."
"I'm sure he is, Joe. But that's really his problem, not ours."
"If he could just talk to Marie…" Joe started, but quit as soon as my head started shaking.
"I promised my sister in law I wouldn't tell him where she was, Joe."
He thought for a minute. "Okay, then, how about if I talk to her?"
"When I talk to her, I'll ask her, okay?" I could tell Joe wasn't completely happy with my answer, but it was the best I could do. Personally, I thought Paulie needed to do a lot more squirming and soul searching before Marie gave him the time of day. A generous helping of humble pie wouldn't hurt him a bit, either.
"I just want my brother to be happy," Joe finally said.
"And I just want Marie to know she has more value than to let him use her like a piece of toilet paper Joe. She deserves better than that." I was starting to get hot under the collar again, and Joe's sex appeal had nothing to do with it.
"I completely agree. She does deserve better than that. Okay?"
"Okay." I still wasn't thrilled, and neither was he, but we'd get through it. I got up with Sofi to go change her diaper, and pulled him close for a one-armed hug as I was on my way by. He took the opportunity to cop a feel through my pajama bottoms, so I figured we were getting close to back to normal. "Hey," I called from Sofi's room. "You up to dinner out and some Christmas shopping tonight if I can get my mom to watch Sofi?"
Joe came in and leaned against the doorframe. "Are you asking me for a date?" he teased.
"Do we get to have sex after?"
"Hell yes."
"Well okay then. I'm asking you for a date. But it has to be hot sex." I peeked at him over my shoulder. I don't know how well my 'come-hither' was working considering I was wearing baggy pajamas and I hadn't combed my hair. Plus I was up to my wrists in baby shit.
"I could do that," he drawled.
"You could, huh? Could you also hand me a new box of baby wipes over here? Your daughter made one hell of a mess."
"Yeesh," said Joe, after taking a quick look at Sofi. "I'm glad it's your morning."
"Probably Paulie fed her prunes last night after I stomped off upstairs." I said blackly.
I could still hear Joe chuckling as he went to start the shower.