Holy smokes, it's been a while. Wondering why? It's cuz I work as the counselor at a summer camp and have very, very limited access to the internet. Like a once a week kinda deal. Which is the only time I ever have off from camp. So right now is literally the only time I have to upload this. But now that I'm relaxing back into the groove of my job (which I love, for the record) I'll be updating better. Hopefully.

Sorry about that, guys, but here's some stuff to laugh at so you forget you're angry with me!

Also, more swearing. I'm no longer gonna warn you guys about my filthy language because I assume you would've stopped reading this fic by now if you were offended by my wordage. Wordage, by the way, is not detected as a misspelling by the website's spelling thingie. So apparently that's a word. Wordage: Tell your Friends.

Jack Motherfucking Crawford walked onto the crime scene looking so dope that all the haters were like "damn." Then the camera abruptly left him because Jack was too full of swag to be filmed for more than a few seconds.

Up in the attic of Hobbes' death cabin, Will Graham examined the dead body of Abigail's unmemorable friend with Hannibal.

"Do you think she knew the guy down by the stream?" asked Will.

"The one who hissed?" Hannibal asked.

"No, the completely unsuspicious guy," Will said sarcastically. "Of course the one who hissed."

"He was one of the victims' brother."

"Did we establish we know who he is already?" Will asked curiously.

"It was in the script," Hannibal said with a shrug.

"Yeah, I don't read those. I think it ruins the spontaneity of the moment."

"This isn't improv, Will," said Hannibal tiredly.

"Yes, and-"

"Will," Hannibal reprimanded sharply.

"Whatever. Anyways, the snake dude asked Abigail if she helped her father rip out his sister's lungs or something. Jeez that's gross. But only one victim had that happen to them- Cassie Boyle. But Cassie Boyle was the victim in the field. She wasn't killed by Garett Jacob Hobbes."

"I know," Hannibal said.

"Could you phrase that in a way that doesn't sound like you're the one who killed her?" asked Will.

"No, I can't."

Will stared at him. "You sure you don't want to, because at this point you're trying really hard to make it obvious you did it."

Hannibal sighed. "This isn't moving the plot along, Will."

"Screw the plot!"

"You brought Abigail Hobbes," interrupted Jack Crawford, who entered the room like a black Batman. "To-"

"AHHH!" yelled Will, surprised, interrupting Jack. "Ravenstag! Oh, wait, it's just you Jack. You shouldn't jump out at me like that. I'm unstable, remember?"

"I try not to, makes my job easier. What I was saying, was that you came to Minnesota, and now another girl is dead. You said the copycat killer would never kill like this again."

Will and Jack turned to stare at Hannibal.

He raised both hands up, palms facing outwards. "This one wasn't me, guys."

The two continued staring doubtfully.

"I swear on the blood of my family. Wait, do I even have a family?" Hannibal asked suddenly, concerned at his lack of backstory.

"Yeah, but they're all dead. Didn't you read the books?" Will said dismissively.

"I thought you never read the books," Hannibal protested.

"No, I said scripts. Actually, now that I think of it I can't remember if the Japanese chick died or not in Hannibal Rising. Jack, you remember?"

"No, I only remember my skin color never being specified in Silence of the Lambs. And now every director thinks: hey, let's make him white! Let's make him black! It's confusing! I don't know who I am anymore!" Jack yelled.

"Nicholas Boyle murdered this girl," interrupted Hannibal.

"What?" asked Will.

"What?" asked Jack.

"Serial killers can always tell who killed someone. It's being psychic, except not fake," Hannibal explained.

"Oh. So what do we do now?" asked Will.

"You guys wanna go to KFC with me? I'm really hungry," Jack told them.

"I could just make something," offered Hannibal.

Jack and Will both stared at him.

"I could use meat from actual animals," Hannibal added.

The staring continued.

"Or not..."

After KFC (Hannibal just sulked in the corner and spent a long time in the men's room, and came out covered in blood) Hannibal and Alana escorted Abigail back to her old home to pick up her possessions so that she could leave Minnesota for good. Everyone in Minnesota dreams of one day leaving Minnesota, after all. God, it's so effing cold in Minnesota. Freezing my berries off in this crummy state...

The radio of the SUV Alana, Abigail, and Hannibal rode in had on a report about some dude getting killed in a KFC men's room, which was kind of grim so Alana turned it off. Unfortunately the noise of the radio would be replaced by a mob as the pulled into Abigail's driveway.

Outside Abigail's home a large group of reporters, spectators, and general assholes had gathered round, held back by a police line that let both the SUV and the insults of the crowd through. It wasn't a very good police line.

"Abigail, what's it like to have a dad who was so freaking ugly?"

"Abigail, what was your father's best dish that he made for you out of human flesh?"

"-Wait, is that Hannibal Lecter?"

"Hannibal, what is your best dish that you make out of human flesh?"

"Abigail, what's it like to be shipped with Will Graham and Hannibal?"

As the three exited the vehicle one woman broke through the police line. It wasn't a very good police line.

"You!" yelled the woman, approaching Abigail. "The news about your father made me miss the new Jersey Shore! How DARE YOU!"

"I thought she was sad that her daughter was killed by Garett Jacob Hobbes," hissed Alana to Hannibal as the police dragged the woman away.

"It was too depressing," Hannibal whispered. "You're not going to rap again, are you?" Hannibal added.

Alana shrugged.

Freddie Lounds emerged from the shadows.

"Shit, I thought we were going to get through the rest of the episode without her," muttered Alana.

"Ms. Lounds, you are on the wrong side of the police line," Hannibal said as a police officer, looking vaguely disgruntled, came to drag the red haired woman out of the crime scene.

"And your face is one the wrong side of your head," Freddie replied quickly.

"I really can't tell if that's a good insult or a bad one," Hannibal observed smartly.

"You should monitor the police lines better," Freddie said as she was dragged away. "I'm not the only one lurking around. It's really not a good police line."

Hannibal pause and followed Freddie off the crime scene.

"Is there someone else lurking about? A man who acts like a snake, perhaps?"

"You tell me why it's important and maybe I'll tell you," Freddie said with her best flirtatious smile, which was enough to make any man swear off of sex for the rest of his life.

"You stop being a bitch and maybe the fans will like you."

"Damn, he's got the comebacks," Freddie muttered.

Back inside the house Abigail was crying because she's seventeen and her life kinda sucks a lot.

She absentmindedly played with a pillow in her lap that her father had made, when a thought suddenly dawned on her.

"No," she muttered. "Surely not..."

She pulled out a knife from one of the evidence boxes and cut the pillow open.

"NO!" she yelled in horror, hyperventilating.

Because the pillow was stuffed with...

Her father's shaved armpit hair.

"AGH!" she screamed, the overpowering scent of middle-aged man BO overpowering.

"Abigail?" hissed a voice.

She turned in horror. It was Nick Boyle, the dude who was previously mentioned!

"I didn't hisssss kill that girl Abigail. Thisssssss wasss all a big missssunderstanding."

Abigail stood up and began backing away.

"Wait, Abigail," Nick said, but Abigail was already running.

Nick grabbed Abigail by the arm and threw her against the wall, hard. Heh, heh. Hard.

Abigail, terrified, did the only natural thing. She stabbed him in the heart and brutally murdered him.

"Hiss," Nick Boyle managed before he finally died.

"Why does everyone appear suddenly in this TV show?" asked Abigail in tears. "It's not conducive to survival on this show!"

"No one on the show is supposed to be happy, Abigail," said Hannibal, appearing suddenly.

"AHHHHH!" Abigail yelled, stabbing wildly at him. Hannibal, luckily, had stunningly catlike reflexes thanks to a healthy diet and lifestyle. And also murdering people as a hobby. Hey, reader, if you're out of shape maybe you should start killing people systematically and eating their corpses! That seems like a good program for weight loss nuts.

The Hannibal Lecter Diet: Torture, Murder, and Then Consume the Dead.

"Good work," Hannibal said, holding Abigail off. "You really are my daughter."

"You say that like it's a good thing," sobbed Abigail, who was shaking. "And where's Alana?"

"Oh, I knocked her out. There is probably no brain damage."

"Probably?"

Hannibal shrugged and walked over to Nicholas Snake-Boyle's corpse.

"He was going to kill me," Abigail said quickly, trying to pull herself together.

"Was he?"

"Your sarcasm is not helping!" Abigail told him.

"This is not self defense, Abigail. You butchered him."

"I didn't."

Hannibal stared at her.

"Just because people do that to you doesn't mean you can do that to me," Abigail protested.

Hannibal continued to stare.

"Stop making this weird," said Abigail.

Hannibal turned back to the body. "I can help you," Hannibal offered. "At great risk to my career and life."

Abigail frowned. "How's it a risk to your life? No one's going to kill you because you helped hide a corpse."

"No one is going to believe this was self defense, Abigail. Not even Will, and he's pretty gullible. No, Abigail, you need my help. And I'll give it to you, if you ask. Abigail."

"Stop saying my name so much," Abigail said amidst her tears.

"Abigail."

"Alright, alright, jeez, you can have it!" Abigail choked out.

"Cool. I'm not going to eat this one, either."

"What?" asked Abigail.

Hannibal stared at her.

"I give up," Abigail muttered, sinking to the ground.

"You and me both, Abigail. You and me both."

Okay, so normally I post two chapters per update but I'm crunched for time so I'll put the other chapter up TOMORROW, since I will have a brief window to do so tomorrow evening! Alright, thanks for all the reviews/faves/follows so far and keep it up, guys! Take care and don't get eaten! :)