As always, many thanks to my beta BelatedBeliever1127.

The next day Donnie, Raph, Mikey, and Casey are moving the Kraang-equipment Donnie might need from the basement to the barn.

Donnie has informed them during breakfast about our testing plans. They weren't even surprised.

Again, I had expected a little bit of surprise or fear or something similar, but again, I was mistaken.

They just agreed and Raph even gave one of his trademark shrugs.

Once more, I felt the urge to yell at them, but I fought it back.

If telling them about the mind-control incident where a piece of Kraang-technology has been involved hasn't alarmed them, me shouting at them at the top of my lungs wouldn't either.

So I just told them that I want to stay as far away from Kraang-technology as I can.

And that's the reason why I am here in the middle of a clearing in the woods with Leo. We are far enough from the farmhouse that I feel comfortable, but close enough that Leo can make it back without much difficulty. His leg is still hurting.

He wouldn't have admitted it, though. That's why I directly asked him to join me. I suggested meditating to make sure to get his attention, and it worked.

So, now we are here in the woods and meditating.

Well, Leo is meditating. I'm just trying.

My eyes are closed, I'm kneeling with my hands on my thighs, and I really am doing my best to concentrate on my breathing, to be one with the universe or whatever it is called, but my thoughts always drift back to the farmhouse and the Kraang-equipment, the pink-glowing, humming Kraang-equipment, humming and humming…

"You don't have to pretend that you're meditating," Leo says all of a sudden which makes me jump a little.

I quickly open my eyes and look over to him. He doesn't look like he has moved at all. He's still sitting in a position that's as close to kneeling as his hurt leg allows. His eyes are closed, and I would doubt my sense of seeing, if there hadn't creeped an amused smile on his face that hadn't been there when we had settled down.

"Sorry," I say and shift a bit, stretching out my one leg while pulling my other knee to my chin and hugging it. "I don't seem to be able to concentrate today."

"That's okay," Leo says, and again, it's only his moving lips and the amused line around his mouth that give him away.

I sigh and hug my knees a bit more tightly.

A few moments of silence pass, and it almost feels like I can hear the humming Kraang-technology reaching my ears in this moments of not speaking, the humming…

Again, Leo brings me back to reality.

"So, you wanna talk instead?" he asks and finally opens his eyes. And when he turns his head to look at me, I can see that not only is he still smiling, but his eyes are sparkling with amusement.

I am not sure if I should get angry at this or just smile back.

I decide for the latter. When in doubt, always decide for the not angry-option. And with my recent anger-issues, this really means something.

"Sure, why not?" I reply with a shrug.

We sit for a few moments in silence, and it takes me a while to understand that Leo is waiting for me to speak up.

"Uhm … what do you want to talk about?" I ask quickly.

He was the one who suggested talking, so should he decide for a topic.

Now it's Leo's turn to shrug.

"I don't know."

I twist my mouth at this. Maybe Leo should go back to meditating.

But then I detect a change. The amusement fades from his face and his eyes become earnest.

"We haven't touched the most obvious topic yet."

My heart sinks into my stomach and I feel a cold shiver run down my spine.

I open my mouth, but no words come out.

After all this time, after all these options Leo had to touch this tricky topic, he chooses this moment!?

Because I am at loss for words, I close my mouth again.

"I didn't mean to alienate you," Leo says. "I just thought it was about time."

I press my mouth into a hard line and rest my chin on my knee. I am not sure if this is the right moment at all.

I guess Leo has a point when he said it was about time, but I don't feel comfortable with it.

"You know the facts," I mumble, my voice muffled by my knee.

"I do," Leo replies. "But I don't know the most important thing."

I look up at him.

Leo smiles at me. It's not the amused smile from before, it's a gentle smile, a calming one.

"How you feel about it," he continues.

I bite my lip.

"Isn't it obvious?" I ask.

"Maybe," he replies with a little shake of his head. "But I want you to say it. You never talk about it, and I think you should let it out."

I know Leo is trying to help me, but something in his voice rubs me the wrong way. I have the impression that there's a self-complacent ring to it, and I can't stand it.

"You can't be serious," I say, and I can't keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"I am," Leo affirms, and it seems to me that the self-complacency grows even more.

"So, how does April O'Neil feel about this?" he adds.

And the way he says my name, the way he addresses me in third person, it makes something snap, and the anger rumbles in my chest and all too quickly makes its way up my throat and mouth and to my lips.

"How April O'Neil feels about it!?" I yell, jumping to my feet. "Well, I'll tell you how she feels about it. She hates it! She hates it so, so much! She feels terrible and angry and lost at the same time!"

My breath comes in short pants at the end of my little speech.

Leo looks at me, totally unimpressed by my outburst, and I am not sure if I should be relieved about it or just slap him.

"You're angry," he says, and it sounds more like a statement. "That's good."

His calmness, his measuredness, it fuels my flaming anger so much that it presses so hard against my chest that I feel like I can't breathe.

"Oh yeah!?" I spit then. "You know what's not good? That no one gets it!"

Leo's eyes widen and he sets his mouth in a hard line.

It's his first reaction to my outburst that isn't understanding and measured, and I can't help, but feel mischievous at this.

"What do you mean, no one gets it?" Leo asks.

"Easy," I retort. "No one knows what it's like!"

"Beg your pardon?" Leo says, and there's something in his voice that makes me feel a bit triumphant. "We don't know what it's like? Does the words 'mutant turtle' mean anything to you?"

"It's not the same!"

"It isn't?"

"No, it isn't!"

"We know what it's like to have to hide!"

"But you don't know what it's like not to!"

The moment the words leave my mouth, I know I've gone too far.

It is one thing to get Leo to lose his cool, but it's a totally different thing to say something that hurts him.

I feel my heart tense up, but there's something else. I feel relieved.

Leo rises to his feet. His movements are calm, slow, maybe a little too slow. He takes his cane and leans on it, but not completely. He's taking a little bit weight off his bad leg, but not all of it.

"You are right, April," he says. His voice is composed, but it misses all the gentleness. In fact, it is cold and cuts through me like a blade.

It is the first time I realize something. When Leo can't use his katanas, his words can be just as deadly.

"We don't know what it's like," he continues, his voice just as calm, just as icy. "We don't know what it's like to walk on the streets, to hang out during the day, to go to school. We don't know it!" His voice raises at the end and gets even louder with every word when he continues.

"And that's not even the worst thing!" - He's yelling by now. - "The worst thing is that even if the whole world would always look at us as freaks, we'll always be ninjas! But not with this!"

He nods his head towards his cane.

"Like this, I am not … I can't be … I … I … aaaaahhh!"

With an animal-like cry he hurls his cane to the ground. He looks at it, panting for air. Then he looks at me.

All my relief, all my happiness, my triumph about Leo losing his cool is gone, and I shrink back a little.

I feel very small and vulnerable.

And this is wrong.

Leo is the one who has been hurt by my words. He should be the one who feels that way, but he just looks angry.

He clenches his fists.

For a second, I think of jumping to my feet and hug him.

But this is wrong, too.

Leo doesn't need comfort. He looks strong, brave.

And I feel weak.

And before I can do anything, Leo sets into motion.

He walks away, limping a little bit, but not as if he'd need his cane.

Upright and strong, that's what he looks like when I watch him disappear into the direction of the farmhouse.

And I feel small and weak and alone.

I sink to the ground, pull up my knees and hug them tightly, making myself as small as possible. I rest my forehead on my knees, hiding my face.

I try to block everything out - the look on Leo's face when he got angry, his arched back when he had left, and most of all, I try to block out the feeling of having been left alone.

But I wanted it, I wanted exactly that, didn't I?

I told Leo that no one gets my situation, and I did everything to prove my point. And now Leo has left and I am alone. I should be happy now because I got my will, shouldn't I?

But I am not happy.

I feel even more miserable than ever before.

No matter how miserable I had felt before, no matter how long I had locked myself away, I had known that the guys would always be there, I just needed to open my arms and one of them - most probably Mikey if Donnie wasn't quick enough which most of the times, he wasn't - would hug me. I just needed to walk up to them, and they'd welcome me, no matter how uncomfortable they felt around me. They would have been there for me, if I wanted them to be or not. And they'd be even more there for me if I didn't want them to be.

Because they are my friends and they discovered my bluff long ago. Because they know me.

Donnie knew when I cut all connections with them after they accidentally mutated my father. And Casey knew when he lured me out of my room. And Mikey knew when he tossed food into my room through the open window.

They all know.

They all know that no matter how often I tell them to leave me alone, deep down inside me, I don't want them to. I want them to stay close by. I want them around me.

I don't want to be alone.

I need them, probably more than they need me - if they need me at all. I am not so sure about that.

And no matter how often I tried to stay away from them, how often I tried to hide, to actually be alone, it hurt like crazy, but I ignored it and buried this feeling deep under anger and stubbornness.

And I was afraid, so very afraid, that one day, they'll leave me. That I will be alone.

It has always been my secret, but obviously, I've never been good at keeping secrets, because they knew my fear.

But now for the very first time, Leo has shown me a glimpse of what it would be like and has left me alone.

It wasn't the same when I had told Mikey to leave me alone. He would never have left if I hadn't told him to, and he did it reluctantly. But Leo has left without me telling him to. He has left because I made him angry, because I offended him. He has left because he truly wanted to.

But what had I expected? That he would hug me, ignoring my anger and my hurtful words, and tell me that they get it, that he gets it, if I believe him or not?

I feel a pang in my heart when I realize that this is exactly what I had expected.

I wouldn't have believed him, of course, but I would have bathed in his warm embrace and his kind words. And I wouldn't have been alone.

I feel tears prickle in my eyes and I let one or two run down my cheeks before I blink them away and get to my feet.

I owe Leo an apology. And maybe an explanation.

Having a plan and not just feeling miserable somehow gives me back some of my strength, although I still feel a bit weak. But I take a deep breath, straighten myself and set into motion.

But then I stumble.

With a curse on my lips I manage to regain my balance and look to the ground, trying to figure out what had caused my nearly-fall.

It's Leo's cane.

I pick it up. I had forgotten about it, but now I am glad I found it. I could use it as some sort of a white flag when approaching Leo, not that I am afraid he might attack me or something. But it's always good to have a reason to look for someone if you want to apologize. It takes some of the weight of the apology away because you are just looking for someone because you have another reason to look for them than just the apology. And giving Leo his cane back actually is a very good reason.

With a nod I set into motion again.

All the way to the farmhouse I think about what to tell Leo, but when I reach the area around the farmhouse, I lay eyes on Raph and Casey moving one very big item of Kraang-technology - it looks like some sort of a generator - over to the barn, and all my thoughts are wiped from my brain when I set eyes on it.

It's glistening in the sunlight, glowing, silver and pink, and it's humming, humming...

I let the cane drop to the ground and lunge forward.