AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so this is slightly longer than the last chapter, but not by much. I tried my besssst. Anyway, this is mostly Katya, but I threw in Sean, Nikita and Matthias (Katya's love interest, who likes to pop out of nowhere, heh). Ummm, I decided to write about Katya's past some more - and I took liberties since the show was shit and didn't reveal a lot about her. I'm basically making her my own and how I think she'd be and what she'd like. I am sticking true to some things - like how she became fragile from taking medication after Pale Fire and all that. I don't want to deviate too far from what they did reveal about Katya from the show.

In the meantime, I'll try working on my new Nikita/Owen series and post the next chapter of He's a Ghost (yes, I've decided to continue that); but I've also decided to start a new fic series for Once Upon a Time. I think it's about time I start a fic series NOT for Nikita, you know. I've been dying to write a fic series for Outlaw Queen since they're my babies and they're currently having a hard time. And when they're in pain I AM IN PAIN...

Reviews & comments & feedback are always appreciated. They help me improve and get these chapters up faster ((((:

Her hair was so soft, a trait she had been blessed with. She had gotten that from her grandmother, Katya thought to herself. Her own mother had such soft hair – sometimes it was silky, depending on how she styled it; and then other times it could be as soft as feathers. So soft you could spend forever running your fingers through it. Alex's hair was so soft Katya ran her fingers through it over and over in a hypnotizing fashion, unable to stop. It was soothing to both mother and daughter at the moment: it lulled one of them into a deep sleep and it helped the other to know it eased the pain of the other. "I know what you're going through," Katya said, her voice hushed. "Much more than you know, darling." Sighing, Katya reached out and stroked Alex's cheek with the backs of her fingers.

"Be patient," Katya said, sensing Sean standing in the doorway, watching them both. She looked up, seeing him leaning against the doorway. She smiled at him, for a moment wondering if he had heard what she'd said but he gave no sign of it, so she decided to let it drop."Your both grieving in your own way, I understand, but don't let Alex push you away. She has a habit of doing that. I think you both do. Don't give into that emotional distance rubbish. Just... be there. That's the best you can do. The best any of us can do," Katya sighed, as she stared off into space for a few moments. When she focused her attention on Sean once more, she added, "I'm going to go for a walk. I'll be back in an hour or two." Katya leaned down and kissed Alex on the cheek before getting up and leaving the room.

"Have fun," Sean said, smiling as he watched her walk away.

Katya waved him off, ignoring his little tease. But as she glanced at him over her shoulder, she saw him turn around and pause by the bedroom door and observe Alex from there. She knew just by being there – whether or not he said anything – Sean was doing Alex some good. Words were underrated, anyhow. Just being by her side would bring some solace to the both of them, at least for now.

She was unable to distract herself from thoughts of Sean and Alex on her walk in the woods, letting her feet lead the way since her mind was preoccupied at the moment. She had lost her daughter before – Katya knew some of the pain Alex was harboring. But there was one inconsolable difference between them – she had managed to get her daughter back. That wasn't in the cards for Alex.

Sighing, Katya shook herself out of her thoughts and looked around on the path she was on. Realizing where she was, she paused for a moment and then decided on changing her direction and walked South for another half hour or so. Honestly, she wasn't sure. Somehow being out here, you managed to lose track and all sense of time – and not even really care. It was divine out here; unnaturally beautiful in a way, she found. And she found peace when coming out here – granted she didn't often find the time to come out here to the woodland that much, but when she did she felt at home.

Last week while in town she'd heard of a bluebell woodland and - having a love of flowers - since then she'd been eager to find it, to see it with her own eyes. "Where are you," she whispered to herself, glancing up at the sun shielded by the foliage from the trees. Back home in Russia, Katya had spent a lot of days gardening or browsing markets for rare flowers – making sure each room in the house had a vase brimming with her hand-picked flowers.

Shielding her eyes, Katya continued for a few more miles before she spotted a blue flower down by her foot. Kneeling down, she reached out to gently run her fingertips over the (what seemed to her) frail petals and then stood up and continued to walk as the blue flowers increased exponentially around her.

As she rounded the corner of the trail, she suddenly stopped and sucked in a breath. Almost all of the ground was covered with the bluebells, the grass lucky to even still be visible. The woodland truly was just as the locals described, though they had done it less justice, Katya thought. Perhaps because they were locasl, after all, and when you lived amongst something rare you started to take it for granted after a certain amount of time. Spotting a contorted log she could sit on a few feet up ahead, Katya made her way over to that, plucking a bluebell from the ground on the way. Sitting down, she closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of the bluebell through her nose and was reminded of a spring garden after a rain shower.

Cradling the bluebell between her hands, Katya surveyed the woodland from her sitting post as a sense of ease washed over her, Alex entering her mind soon enough. Maybe if she brought her here – if Alex saw this spot, perhaps that might-... well, she wasn't what that might do. They weren't exactly alike. Alex hadn't inherited Katya's own love of floriculture. Katya had always made sure their old home was filled with all kinds of flowers. She'd had her own personal favorites, tulips and columbines, particularly. Funnily enough, she hated camomile flowers, Russia's national flower. She wasn't sure of Alex's favorite flower, or at least her current favorite. Growing up, she was positive it had been tulips, as well. Nowadays, whenever they talked she remembered Alex bringing up lavender flowers.

"I see you found the enchanted woodland," said a voice, coming up behind her. Startled out of her thoughts of Alex's favorite flower, Katya closed her hand around the bluebell and crushed it slightly, turning around to see Matthias approaching.

She smiled, amused that he always managed to appear out of nowhere like a magician. "We have to stop meeting like this, you know," she said, watching as he came closer to her and finally walked around to her side of the log, taking a seat beside her. Now that he was closer to her, she noticed the growing stubble on his face, the shadows under his eyes. It looked like he hadn't slept in days. She guessed he had given up sleep for painting or drawing, or both.

"It's more interesting when we meet at irregular moments, don't you think?" he shot back, half-smirking at her, a twinkle in his blue eyes.

Katya half shrugged at him; then at the sudden feeling of happiness surging through her, she felt a pang of guilt over the recent course of events. The smile on her face slowly faded and she looked down at the partially crushed bluebell in her hand. "Perhaps."

"Are you all right?" Matthias looked down at the flower in her hand, then back up at Katya. "There are plenty more flowers to pick, you know."

Katya chuckled, looking up at him with a shake of her head. "It's, um – no it's," she paused, frowning as he gazed back at her so patiently that it unnerved her.

"It's your daughter," he guessed, and she nodded. "What happened?"

"She had a miscarriage." Katya looked away and closed her eyes, once again wishing there was something more she could do for Alex. She hated that her little girl was in so much pain. She was suffering and there was nothing Katya could do but cuddle and kiss her and say a few words of wisdom, and as much and as often as she did all that – even that didn't seem to help much.

"I'm so sorry," Matthias said, reaching out and placing his hand over hers. "I know you've probably heard that quite a bit from people and they've said it automatically or just because it's the proper thing to say – but I mean it. I truly am. To lose a child, that's – that's a hard thing for anyone to bear."

Nodding appreciatively, Katya placed her other hand over Matthias's and gripped it firmly before they released both their hands. She laced her fingers together in her lap and said, "Before Alex was born, I too had a miscarriage. It was supposed to be a boy. She was going to have a brother – Vasily. After he died, I fell into such a severe depression that lasted several months-... almost a year, maybe longer. I don't remember the things I did to myself, the things I said to people. I just remember feeling empty inside. I remember feeling Vasily gone. I had carried him inside me for five months and then suddenly he was gone. Even to this day I still remember what it felt like, that pain of a miscarriage. I feel that loss more keenly than ever, especially over the last few days." She paused, clutching at the necklace dangling around her neck. "And when I saw Alex in the store that day, I just – I had hoped she wouldn't go through that. I had hoped she wouldn't be like me. But it seems she's just like me. Far too much like me, I'm afraid."

"Have you considered that may be a good thing?" Katya looked over at him, frowning. "Why do you think it's a bad thing that she might possibly take after you? Are miscarriages hereditary? Maybe, maybe not. Some theories think they are hereditary, some don't. Who really knows? Doctors can never agree with each other. They always have to argue. Forget about the both of you suffering from miscarriages for a moment and think about how you are alike in personality. You may have fallen into a depression, but you made it out. You survived. I see you're a strong woman. Now, I may not have met your daughter, but from what you've told me she seems just as strong – maybe even more after what you've both been through. Perhaps you underestimate yourself as well as your daughter. I think together the two of can make it through this. Does she know about your miscarriage?" he asked, studying her closely.

Staring ahead, she let his words sink in about how she and Alex were alike. She had always intended to tell her about Vasily – if they ever found each other again. It was something she always regretted, keeping that secret from her. Being an only child was such a lonely thing to be. Alex had found someone as a young child, someone she had considered as a brother to her, but when that dreadful night happened -"No," she admitted, looking over at Matthias. "Alex doesn't know. I never told her."

"Maybe now is the time. Knowing her own mother went through what she is currently going through could help her."

"Has anyone told you you're an insufferable know-it-all?" she quipped, shaking her head.

"And worse." His smile slowly formed into a broad grin as she only looked more annoyed at him. When she stood up, his gaze followed her.

"I should get back," she declared, brushing herself off as she stood up. She glanced back at him, smiling apologetically for cutting their little assignation. "I've left Alex and Sean alone long enough, I think."

Matthias opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again, believing now not to be the best time to voice that opinion. He'd save it for later. Katya noticed him hesitate, close to calling him out on keeping something from her. But deciding to let it pass and to ask him another day, she walked away. "I'll see you around," Matthias said instead.

"I'm sure you will," Katya called over her shoulder. "After all, you have a way of popping out of nowhere." She smiled, stopping to pick a few bluebells on her way back to the house. These little gems would make a nice surprise for Alex when she woke up later.

The walk back to the house took twice as fast as the walk to the woodland, Katya noted, and before long their yellow door. On one side of the door, pink freesias climbed up a lattice, the leaves twisting and wrapping around it – the lattice partially visible. On the other side of the door, white and yellow freesias graced and climbed up and around another lattice, the foliage this time not kind enough to let the world see the flower's display system. In a few months, Katya thought with disappointment, the flowers would wither and die with the arrival of another winter and they wouldn't have such pretty things to look at everyday.

Pushing open the door, Katya stepped inside and made straight for the kitchen. She halted by the entrance when she saw Nikita sitting alone, taken a bit aback at seeing her here. "I'm surprised to see you here," she said, finally collecting herself. "I thought you'd be with Emily." Katya went and grabbed a small vase from a cupboard, washing it and filling it with water before arranging the bluebells in it.

"Owen is looking after her," Nikita answered, watching Katya at work. "I wanted to see how Alex is doing. I thought it'd be better to leave Emily at home," she added, knowingly. "When I came over Alex was asleep. She's still sleeping," Nikita continued, sighing. She leaned back in her chair, looking down at the cup of coffee cradled between her hands and then back up at Katya. She watched her more carefully now, smiling as she seemed distracted by the bluebells. "Are those for Alex?" Nikita asked.

"Yes. I thought she'd like them. It'd make for a nice change in the room, you know. Back home – in Russia – I used to plant flowers and pick them, or go to markets here and there and buy flowers; I'd put a vase of flowers in each room of the house. Make sure no room was left untouched of them. This place is awfully sparse, at least on the inside."

"That's nice." After a few pauses, Nikita added, "Do you miss it? Your home in Russia?"

Katya hesitated, running her fingertips along the petals of the bluebell. Did she? Maybe sometimes she did; she certainly had missed it early on after the incident, after Nikolai's death. Back in those days, when she'd been a mess and had thought Alex dead, as well, she had missed everything. She had missed how the way things had been – the way they had once been a family. She had wished she'd done things differently. These days, she found that she didn't miss it so much. She had Alex back, Sean was like a son to her, and she had a new home. They were all given a second chance. Why miss something when you had something new? Why linger on the past?

"No," she finally answered, turning around to face Nikita. "Not all the time." She walked over toward Nikita and took a seat across from her. "Why do you ask?"

"It's just – it must've been hard," she began, looking at Katya for a moment and then glancing down at her hands. "Having a home, a family. And then losing them. Or thinking you had lost a family. I can't imagine what went through your head all those years. What things you wished upon the people who caused you so much pain." She looked up at Katya through her lashes, studying her reaction.

Katya's lips parted and she tipped her head back in understanding, knowing where Nikita was going with this. She smiled slightly. "I was a lot of things back then. Depressed and angry the most usually common, I believe. But I was also confused, in denial, fragile from the medication. I was upset and bewildered about why I had survived and not Nikolai and Alex. I spent years questioning, Why me? Why did I deserve to live? I had survivor's guilt, I realized. I only survived because I blacked out. I didn't do anything heroic. I did nothing to warrant survival. But I suppose, in the end, even if I didn't do anything to warrant survival I was meant to live. After all, Alex didn't die. I found her again when the two of you showed up that day. I know I wasn't a good mother even then. I'm still trying to be a good mother. I'm trying to make up for all those lost years.

"But you said what went through my mind all those years. About what I wanted to do to whoever caused all that damage to my family?" She stared Nikita down for several moments, thoughts and ideas racing through her mind. "I won't lie, I wished the same upon them. Even worse. I thought that if the day came I met them, maybe sat across from them... I would kill them. It sounds melodramatic and predictable." Katya laughed, shaking her head. "But that was the old me. I forgave you a long time ago."

Nikita's head shot up in shock, her mouth contorting as she tried to find a way to speak. "Y-you knew it was me? How?"

"You and Alex aren't as quiet or furtive as you think," Katya quipped, standing up and grabbing the vase of flowers from the counter. "And the fact that you tracked Alex down and took care of her all these years. No one without a considerable burden or a guilty conscience would do that. And you, my dear, your empathy is your greatest trait. The fact that you saved my daughter..." Katya trailed off, placing her hand on Nikita's shoulder and gripping it firmly. She pressed her lips together, unable to say anything else to say, for there was nothing else for them to say.