Chapter 11:
Here We Go Again

This is set on Sunday January 1st 2006.

''As long as there is rape... there is not going to be any peace or justice or equality or freedom. You are not going to become what you want to become or who you want to become. You are not going to live in the world you want to live in.'' Andrea Dworkin

Andy's POV

''Mom? Are you okay?'' I hear Lizzy's voice behind me say as I unlock the frontdoor.

I just picked them up from the airport. They spent the time after the funeral with their grandmother in Chicago but school is starting tomorrow so they had to come home.

The ride home with them seemed really long to me. They are still sad because of their father but they were sharing stories about what they've done this past week.
Meanwhile, I just kept thinking about if I should tell them or not.

I don't want to but now that they're home they are going to notice something is wrong. I can't just keep lying to them everytime they ask if I'm okay. Before Les killed himself and they were home I somehow managed to put on a smile but now that I keep having flashbacks it's getting more and more difficult.

Last night was terrible. They all know what happened and they can all see that instead of things getting better everything is just getting worse by the second. Since it was a party I just wanted to be happy, and look happy but the entire time I just felt like crying. Everytime somebody touched me, even if they just bumped into me by accident, I had a short flashback.

It felt like there wasn't an inch of my body he didn't touch me before he raped me, while he raped me or even afterwards.

Rape... you hear it happen to often as a doctor, especially as an army doctor, but having it happen to me. I never thought it would happen to me, I never thought Les could do this to me.

Yes, he has been violent in the past... verbal abuse, physical abuse and sometimes sexual abuse but it never went as far as rape.

''Mom?'' I hear Jesse now say.
I turn around slowly to look at them as I push open the front door. ''Yeah?'' I ask.
''Are you okay?'' Jesse repeats Lizzy's question.

''I'm fine,'' I say. Even I can hear that I sound exhausted. Last night I barely slept, I was home late, Milo dropped me off here at around 2 a.m. and I couldn't sleep because of flashbacks.

''Maybe you should get some sleep,'' I hear Jesse tell me.
''No, I don't,'' I say, holding her gaze for a second before we all three walk into the house.
''It wasn't a suggestion,'' she says harshly.

For a moment it's like she's the mother and I'm her child before I remember that I'm her mother and she can't tell me what to do.

''Go to your room,'' I tell both of them.
''But I didn't even do anything,'' I can hear Lizzy start to argue.

''It's 10 p.m., you should both get some sleep. After all, school starts again tomorrow and I don't want you to fall asleep there,'' I say, I'm barely able to keep my eyes open.

They both seem to give up.
Lizzy sighs and then kisses my cheek before heading up the stairs. I can feel my whole body stiffen.

I can feel Les kiss my cheek, his body on top of mine. His hands holding down my arms, unabling me to fight back. ''Let me go,'' I say in tears, trying to ignore the unbearable pain.

''I'm not touching you,'' Lizzy's confused voice snaps me out of the flashback.
''What?'' I ask her.
Jesse and Lizzy share a look. ''You told me to let go of you but I'm not even touching you,'' Lizzy explains, sounding more and more confused with every word.

I give a slight nod. ''Oh, right. Sweet dreams,'' I tell them and I take a step towards the dining room as they both walk up the stairs.

I take another step but freeze as my glance lands on the floor, I can practically see myself on the floor, hopeless with him on top of me. I just stand there for a moment, taking in what that spot on the floor looks like now. The sound of the birds in my neighbors aviary snaps my out of my thoughts this time.

Not wanting to be here for another moment I turn on my heel and quickly walk up the stairs. As I walk into my bedroom I think back to what happened earlier today. A patient of mine has been in a car accident and I went into work to take care of her. I'm off work in the weekends but since Jesse and Lizzy weren't home yet I decided to go in anyway.

Right as I was about to walk out of the ER they wheeled in another patient, not one of mine this time.

''Female, approximately 27 years old. Beaten and raped in some downtown alley. Which one of you gets her?'' The EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) asks as he looks back and forth between back and me.

My gaze is stuck on the woman. Her body is completely black and blue, her shirt is ripped and her jeans are still unzipped.

''I'll take her,'' I hear Nick say.
''Okay,'' the EMT responds and walks back over to the young woman.
''Dr. Campbell?'' Nick asks.

''Yeah?'' I ask as I tear my gaze off of the girl and look back at him.
''Go home, get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow.'' He says.

''I'll see you tomorrow,'' I say back quietly. He is already rushing over to the girl and doesn't hear me. I look at the woman one more time before I turn my back on them and walk out of the ER.

I take a deep breath, trying to get past the moment that I saw what that woman looked like. Raped, ripped shirt and unzipped jeans. Sounds familiar...

I take the few steps from the door to my dresser and pull out a black pajama. As I unbutton the buttons on my blouse I am started by my reflection in the mirror. After getting over the initial startle I take a closer look at my body.

The bruises are fading but as soon as I touch them it still hurts as bad as it did the first day after I got them. I caress the fair, comparatively pale skin around it. Being careful not to get near the bruises, they still hurt to bad. And besides, it'll just remind me the beating that was immediatly followed with rape.

I take one last look at all the bruises, on my stomach, chest, legs, inside of my thighs and on my throat, before I quickly put on the pajamas and crawl into bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow I'm halfway gone and it isn't long before I'm asleep.

I can feel his big hands let go of my arms which are by now hurting worse than ever. He slowly caresses my stomach for a second before he puts his hands besides my body and pushing himself off of me, finally getting off of me.

As soon as I can't feel his skin touching mine anymore I break out in quiet sobs. He bends over and wipes a tear away with one of his thumbs, only resulting in more tears.

''You should take a shower or something, you look like a mess,'' I can hear him comment.
I ingore it, showering is the last thing on my mind. With him no longer touching me I am finally able to pull my shirt back on, helping me stay warm and blocking Les' view.

When I don't feel him trying to stop me as he did the last time I tried to put my shirt on I open my eyes. It takes me a few seconds to focus on his face, it's the last thing I want to see now. It's one big smirk.

When I see this I freeze for a second before sitting up a little bit, placing my hands on the floor and attempting to crawl away from him. Crawl anywhere but towards him.

''What?'' He asks with a smile. When I don't respond he says: ''Don't pretend you didn't enjoy it.''
My back is now against one of the dining room chairs, I can't crawl any further away from him without first having to get closer to him.

He buttons up his jeans while he is smiling at me. I try to look anywhere but towards him, that would just cause more tears.
When he walks over to me I try to get further away from him but I can't.

He leans over to me. He suddenly moves his hands as if he's going to slap my face. I've already closed my eyes and prepared myself as much as possible for yet another blow to my face before his hand stops in mid air, just an inch away from my face.

He softly caresses the tender, red, swollen skin and then kisses it.

''We should do this again sometime, I had a lot of fun.'' He says right before he kisses my lips, stands back up and walks out the door as if nothing has happened.