Disclaimer: I would love to own Jack, or Erik, or both, but I don't. Will would be open to the highest bidder, except that I don't own him either.

Welcome back to another very random chapter of a very random story! First order of business, last chapter's quote was a slight paraphrase of "Oh well. Now I must die," as said by Don Juan de Marco, in the movie of the same name. Congrats to DeppDRACOmaniac! As I always feel obliged to do when mentioning Don Juan, I recommend it, but, fair warning to the teenagers amongst us, probably not something to watch with the parents. Also note, the ghost of Samuel Arrow is out of Muppet Treasure Island, and the three-headed monkey is apparently from Guybrush Threepwood, as Jexxer observed…I didn't know that, I have a friend who always hollers about three-headed monkeys, I thought I was quoting her… Very quick note to those who missed the other quick note that arrived somewhat late at the end of the last chapter (added it, reposted, you know) Willie Wonka is from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Victor is from The Corpse Bride, both are due out later this year.

On to the randomness.

Chapter the Fourteenth

Walking through the cornfield, Will was looking up. It seemed wise to keep an eye out for salad bowls. And maybe it was wise, except that if he'd looked down he wouldn't have tripped.

Picking himself up, Will looked to see what he had tripped over. He sighed. "Jack."

The pirate captain was sprawled on the ground. Again. He was on his back, and he didn't appear to be conscious. He did look like he was breathing though.

Will leaned over him, and poked his chest. "Jack?"

No response.

Will shook him by the shoulder. "Jack, wake up."

Jack suddenly sat bolt upright, and grabbed Will by the collar. "It was the cornstalk."

Will blinked. "Um, yes…of course it was."

"NO! You don't understand!" Jack said wildly. "It was a cornstalk! A dead one!" He yanked Will forward until their faces were less than an inch apart. "HEADLESS!"

Will tried, without a lot of success, to back up a little. "Cornstalks don't have heads, Jack," he said gently.

"Exactly! Headless!" That said, Jack's eyes rolled back, his grip on Will's collar loosened, and he fell over unconscious.

Will stared at him. "Uh…Jack?" He shook him by the shoulders again. "Come on, Jack, I'd rather not try to drag you out of here."

Jack was ignoring him, eyes shut, completely dead to the world. Will sighed, shook his head, and straightened up out of the crouch he'd gone into. He didn't exactly relish the idea of dragging Jack around the cornfield. Especially since they were currently at a dead end, which meant a lot of backtracking, and who knows how long it would be before they actually found the way out again. No, hauling an unconscious pirate around wouldn't simplify matters in any way that Will could see. He also couldn't see that it would hurt to walk a little ways back along the row without Jack, just to see if by chance there was an exit somewhere near by.

Will walked exactly three steps, and tripped again. "This isn't my day. Or night," he muttered, picking himself up again. Then he looked to see what he had tripped over this time. It was another person. Erik, specifically, but Will didn't know that. Will studied the unknown (to him) man in black curiously. Although the black opera garb and cloak had nothing on the interest levels of the white half-mask. Without really considering the possibilities or the consequences, Will started to reach for the mask.

One gloved hand closed around Will's wrist. "Don't touch the mask," Erik said softly, "because if you touch the mask, I'll have to kill you." He paused. "And just because I'm talking in clichés, don't think I won't do it."

Will hastily backed up, pulling his hand out of Erik's grip. "All right. I won't touch the mask then."

"Good." Erik sat up, brushing stray strands of hair back from his forehead. "What happened to the cornstalk?"

Will blinked. "You too?"

"Me too what?"

"You and Jack, both with the story about the cornstalk."

"The headless one," Erik agreed, then looked around. "What happened to Jack anyway?"

"He's over there, unconscious."

"Not anymore." The pirate captain sat up, rubbing his head. "Woo…I don't usually feel this way 'less I had twelve or sixteen rums…an' gettin' drunk is a lot more fun than bein' attacked by a headless cornstalk."

"Are you going to start shrieking again?" Will asked warily.

Jack looked at him like he hadn't the faintest idea what he was talking about. "No."

Erik was on his feet by now, and looking around with greater care. "Do you think the cornstalk's dead?"

"'course it's dead. It was dead to begin with. It's prob'ly still out there wreaking mayhem and destruction though. But it is dead. Also headless."

"If it had a head we wouldn't have a problem because my Punjab would've—" Erik broke off suddenly, hands going to his pockets. "My Punjab, what happened to…" He looked at the ground around him and seized upon a piece of thin rope. Several pieces of thin rope. Erik looked down at the fragments in his hands. "It killed my Punjab…" he said sadly.

Will rubbed his forehead. "I'm so confused right now."

Jack scrambled up to his feet with a minimum of limb flailing and walked the required three steps to join Will and Erik. "It's simple, really. First there was this blue bird who said he was a ghost, so I went flailing back through some corn and bumped into an evil cornstalk of death which attacked me, an' though I naturally put up a strong fight I eventu'lly had to opt for a strategic retreat during which I ran into Erik here an' hauled him along on my retreatin', but sooner or later we 'ad to fight the evil cornstalk of death, only that didn't go so well because the evil cornstalk of death 'ad the nerve to be headless which kinda interfered with our plans so it attacked again an' it's a mystery to me why we ain't both dead but maybe it thought it had finished us off and left, only 'course it didn't 'cause 'ere we are. Simple, really."

Will stared at him. "I'm so confused right now."

"But it's really very simple. First there was this blue bird who said he was a ghost so I went flailing back—"

"Stop. Let's try a different problem. How are we both here when we went in opposite directions twenty minutes ago?"

Jack considered. "That's a very good question." He rummaged about in the pockets of his coat and pulled out a long, rolled up parchment. "Let's see about this." He unfurled the parchment to reveal a crude map and two dashed lines going in different directions. "So here's where we went in different directions, and then I went on a while and stopped to talk to Norrington, and then kept going this way while he went that way and here's the clearing with the really strange people an' then I walked over here and met the evil cornstalk and then bumped into Erik there, and meanwhile yer still walking off that way, and, uh…by all accounts it doesn't make sense." Jack shrugged. "Oh well." He rolled up the parchment, stuck it back in his pocket, and beamed at Will.

"On second thought…" Will said slowly, "maybe we should just deal with trying to understand the cornstalk right now."

"Oh. Well, first there was this blue bird who said he was a ghost so—"

"Not you." Will looked at Erik. "I don't know who you are, but maybe you can explain it."

Erik looked up from his careful gathering of the tattered remnants of his Punjab. He folded them neatly up and slipped them into one of the pockets of his cloak, then considered the question. "I don't know, I think Jack summed it up fairly well."

"Thanks," Will said sourly. "And who are you anyway?"

"Good plan!" Jack approved. "We'll exchange proper introductions before the cornstalk comes back an' kills us all, so we'll at least know who we're dying with."

Erik and Will looked at him oddly. Jack continued unperturbed.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, the most fearsome pirate in the entire Spanish Main."

"I'm Will Turner."

"Full-time blacksmith, part-time pirate," Jack put in helpfully.

Then they both looked expectantly at Erik.

Erik shifted. "I'm Erik, I have a lot of last names but none of them are canon so never mind about that. I'm a composer…and musician…and singer…" He hesitated, apparently fighting a difficult internal battle. "…and I'm the Phantom of the Opera, feel free to take this moment to react in horror and alarm," he finished all in a rush.

Jack and Will looked at each other, then looked at Erik again. "Why?"

Erik stared back. "Because I'm the Phantom. I'm scary. People scream when they see me."

Jack considered. "Are you an attack phantom of death?"

Erik blinked. "Uh…no?"

Jack beamed. "Yer alright by me then."

"Um…thank you."

"Don' mention it."

"So…if it isn't a problem, why is he looking considerably alarmed?" Erik asked, indicating Will.

"'cause there's an evil cornstalk of death coming up behind you," Jack said calmly.

Erik turned fast at that. There was an evil cornstalk of death coming up behind him. "Why didn't you warn me!"

Jack shrugged. "That wouldn't've stopped it from coming."

"There really is an evil cornstalk of death!" That was from Will, who was more than a little surprised by the whole thing.

"We told you," Jack said smugly.

A voice boomed through the cornfield. "WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?"

This time they were all more than a little surprised.

"The cornstalk talks?" Jack said, more than a little surprised. "It doesn't have a head, how can it have a mouth?"

The cornstalk rustled, apparently considering. "PLOT POINT. THE PLOT WON'T GO RIGHT IF I CAN'T TALK."

The others considered. "Can't argue with that," Will acknowledged.

Jack nodded. "Agreed."

"YOU SHOULD BE DEAD," the cornstalk complained. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, BUT NOW I'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU MORE DEAD."

"Now wait a minute," Jack interrupted, "ye can't just up an' kill us, we've got rights y'know, an'—"

"SILENCE!" the cornstalk thundered. "HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME! I AM NOT JUST ANY EVIL CORNSTALK! I AM THE EVIL CORNSTALK! I AM…THE ONE CORNSTALK, TO RULE THEM ALL!"

Jack looked at it. "Yeah. Good luck with that. But fact is, condemned men've got rights. B'lieve me, I know 'bout bein' condemned." He started counting points off on his fingers. "Right to a last request, right to final words, right to choose means of death, right to—"

"I AM AN EVIL CORNSTALK! I DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RULES!"

"Even evil cornstalks have to respect a condemned man's rights," Jack said firmly.

"FINE," the cornstalk said sulkily. "PICK ONE."

"Pick one?" Jack repeated.

"YOU GET ONE RIGHT. CHOOSE IT!"

"Ah, now that is a difficult choice, one requiring consideration, evaluation, consultation, adaptation, imagination, contemplation, deliberation, meditation, rumination—"

"YOU TRY MY PATIENCE!" the cornstalk thundered. "MAKE YOUR CHOICE!"

Erik jumped, and stared at the cornstalk. "It stole my line."

Jack, meanwhile, was making his choice. "Right then, we need five minutes to repent of our sins."

Will nearly fell over. "We WHAT?"

Jack elbowed him, with the intent of conveying the message 'hush up and don't do anything stupid,' and kept talking to the cornstalk. "We need time to consider the condition of our immortal souls so we can repent and obtain absolution. The fires of Hell're near at hand, an' it would be just terrible to spend our last moments sunk in the same dissolution and depravity we've been living in."

Will's jaw was hanging somewhere around his ankles. "Who ARE you?"

Jack elbowed him again.

"YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES," the cornstalk intoned. "NO MORE."

Jack beamed at it. "Great!" He propelled Erik and Will back towards the dead-end of the row, away from the cornstalk. "'scuse us, we're gonna repent in a group."

They halted in a sort of huddle a short ways from the dead-end. Erik was only mildly confused, Will was still in shock.

"Pick yer jaw up, Will, we gotta talk," Jack ordered.

"Where was that coming from?" Will demanded. "You want to repent of your sins?"

"'course not," Jack said dismissively. "I like my sins. But the Navy's clerics're always askin' me if I want time to repent o' my sins 'fore they hang me an' I always turn 'em down, but right now we need time to work up a plan, see?" he explained quietly.

Will exhaled. "Oh. That makes sense."

"Right. But let's keep it quiet, that thing's got a lotta ears, y'know," Jack whispered. "So. Anybody got a plan?"

Silence.

Jack sighed. "I was 'fraid o' that. It's just a cornstalk, we can fight a cornstalk!"

"Swords?" Will suggested.

Jack shook his head. "Won' work, it's too hard."

"Guns?"

"Too hard for bullets too. 'sides, how do ye find a vital organ in a cornstalk?"

Will frowned. "Hmm."

"There's always hand-to-hand combat," Jack mused. "We all jump it together."

Will blinked. "You're going to use hand-to-hand combat on a cornstalk?"

"Do you have a better plan?" Jack demanded.

Will looked down. "…no."

Jack looked at Erik suddenly, who had been silent for the last few minutes, thinking. "What about you?" Jack asked. "Yer the scary phantom, right? So do something scary. Ye've gotta have some trick besides the rope thing!"

"I do have a staff that shoots fire."

Jack was delighted. Beyond delighted. "Perfect! We'll burn the dead cornstalk!"

"Except that I kinda left it at home."

Jack moaned.

"But…there is something else I can do…" Erik said slowly. "Maybe."

Jack pounced on it. "Maybe? What is this maybe? Talk to me, what can you do?"

Erik frowned. "It only works sometimes, and I don't think I'm angry enough."

"The cornstalk's trying to kill you. Be angry," Jack ordered.

Erik shrugged. "Yes, but I've never been all that excited about living anyway."

Jack threw his hands up. "Great!"

"Wait a minute, just give me a minute," Erik protested. "You wouldn't believe how angry I can get when I give it half a try."

"So try! That cornstalk ain't gonna wait forever."

"Shh," Erik directed, eyes shut. "I'm concentrating."

Erik concentrated. Jack and Will paced. After a moment or two, Erik started muttering.

"Yer muttering," Jack informed him.

"I noticed. Be quiet. Wretched viscount."

Jack suspected that wasn't him, and didn't comment.

"ARE YOU FINISHED YET?"

"Not yet! Still repenting, lots of sins!" Jack called back. "Are you finished yet?" he hissed at Erik.

Erik ignored him. "One love, one lifetime," he murmured. "Echoing."

"If you're gonna do something—"

"See how she repaid me," Erik whispered, "denied me and betrayed me."

"I WILL NOT WAIT ANY LONGER."

"I'm about this close to going an' tackling that thing, an' I'm Captain Jack Sparrow so it might even work, but if you have a better plan…"

Erik's eyes snapped open. There was a new, odd gleam in them. "All right. I'm angry," he said quietly.

"I'M SO FRIGHTENED," the cornstalk boomed sarcastically.

Erik slowly walked back towards the cornstalk, Jack and Will following. "Go," Erik said evenly. "Go now."

"I THINK NOT," the cornstalk thundered back.

Erik smiled. It wasn't a pleasant smile. And then, first softly and then growing in strength, he sang. "You will curse the day you did not do…all that the Phantom asked of you…" He held the final note far longer than any normal human should be able to, and while he did everything else in the world seemed to freeze and hang suspended. Finally even Erik's breath gave out though. And then he laughed. Maniacally.

Upon which a very large and very heavy pipe organ fell out of an empty sky and flattened the evil cornstalk of death.

"I would love to do that to Norrington sometime," Jack commented.

Will was a little more taken aback. "Were you expecting that?"

"Actually, I was expecting a chandelier." Erik shrugged. "But an organ works too."

"So…you normally have very large objects fall out of the sky when you sing?" The practicalities of this were leaving Will not quite accepting the situation. Jack, on the other hand, was completely accepting.

"Once in a while," Erik answered absently. He was walking around the organ, studying it critically. "I wonder whose organ this is anyway. It isn't mine." H pressed a few keys, played a short melody with one hand. "Well-tuned though." He swept his cloak out of the way and devoted himself to thundering out resounding music.

"Nice," Jack commented. "Dunno how well it would go over in the taverns in Tortuga though."

Will had bigger problems with the music. He stared up at the sky, resigned. "Norrington is going to hear that, and he's going to find us, and he's going to kill us all."

Erik stopped mid-melody. "Who's Norrington?"

"An unfortunate fellow with wig problems," Jack said briskly, "an' if 'e's got half an ear 'e prob'ly heard yer pipe organ land, so we ought to go anyway." He struck off down the row, stopped when he realized he was aiming towards the dead end, turned around, and struck off again in the other direction.

"Come on. When he sets off like that, there's not much to do but follow him," Will told Erik.

Erik shrugged. "I'm not doing anything important right now."

So they followed Jack. Who wasn't going anywhere in particular anyway.

For the non-Phantom fans who were confused by the falling pipe organ: First, I apologize. Second, I'll explain. Erik has a temper that is really quite frightening once he gets going. He makes himself angry in this scene by muttering lines out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera. Specifically, lines referring to the love triangle of the play which ultimately ended with Raoul, the Viscount de Chagny (editorial comment: HISS), winning away Christine, the girl Erik loved. Sorry if I gave that away for anyone, but I don't think it's much of a secret. The line "You will curse" etc. in the play is immediately followed by a falling chandelier (though not in the recent movie). Which is why Erik expected a chandelier. shrug I like dropping pipe organs. And they're relevant, since Erik has one under the opera house. All right, if anyone cared enough to read all of this, I hope it's clearer, and I'm finished. Really.

For the Phantom fans: I'm delighted there seems to be a few of you out therebased on reviewsand I hope you'll enjoy Erik's brief sojourn into the cornfield!

For everyone: As to the next chapter, where will they go next? Who knows? Tune in to find out. Oh, and do be so good as to review. Please?