Hi all! Gosh, remind me never to post more than one chappie at a time from now on. :) Thanks everyone for your lovely comments for the last chappie of Muse and for your response to my one shots. For those who missed them - and I'm not sure how you did - you can find the one shots at my bio page.

WARNING: Angry sex. *woo hoo*. Extensive cursing.

Disclaimer: Not mine. No offence intended. No money being made. Dammit. Last three lines of this chappie unashamedly lifted from 'Pretty Woman'. Yeah, yeah, I know...sap.

Chapter Thirteen

Now that he had the opportunity to defend himself and his actions, Sirius found that his carefully prepared speech dried up in his mouth. There was no excusing his abominable conduct and he decided that he wasn't even going to bother trying.

'I've been a complete tosser.'

Remus looked at him with an arched eyebrow. 'I certainly hope you aren't pausing for me to object to that statement.'

Sirius bit his lip, jiggling his foot nervously. It knocked repeatedly against the side of the chair, thumping at a rapid tempo. 'No,' he said. 'No, I fully expected you to punctuate that sentence with a fist to my face and I'd certainly deserve it.'

Remus snorted derisively and turned his head to the side, staring out the window. Sirius followed his gaze - the truck driver next door must have been watching television; Sirius could see coloured lights flickering through the grimy, threadbare curtain. His eyes shifted back to Remus. The artist was trying to keep his face blank, but Sirius was agonizingly aware that Remus' cool façade was nothing but a hastily applied mask. Pain pierced Sirius' chest – he had been the one to deepen those lines of exhaustion and stress around Remus' mouth; his actions had put those dark circles under Remus' expressive blue eyes as surely as if he'd painted them on with his own hand.

'How…how are you, Rem?' he asked tentatively. 'You look…'

'I'm fine, Sirius.'

Remus turned back to Sirius, nostrils flaring a little as, for a moment, the cold mask slipped and Sirius caught a glimpse of the bubbling anger behind it.

'Don't worry. I was never going to run off and shoot myself like Van Gogh. Although I've been perfectly miserable without you, unlike poor Vincent, I know the sadness won't last forever. I'll get over you - it will take a while, but you could help speed the process along by giving me some kind of closure.'

Remus blinked and the mask slipped effortlessly back into place. 'So? Why did you leave and why has it taken you a fortnight to find enough moral fibre to come back and explain yourself?'

Sirius stood up, unable to sit still any longer. He tried to recover what he was sure had been a quite poignant speech listing all the reasons Remus should give him another chance, but it seemed it was gone for good. He sighed and began to pace as he sorted through his muddled thoughts for a place to start. Finally, he stopped and looked at Remus, deciding that the only place to start was at the beginning of it all.

'When I was sixteen, my parents took me to an intervention,' he began slowly. 'I'd told them I was gay that day and they had organised an… exorcism of sorts to try and 'release the demon' that they believed had hold over me.'

Remus was watching him closely, face like stone and Sirius took a deep breath before he continued.

'The whole congregation was there, ready to do whatever it took to turn me back on the right path.' His voice was thick with sarcasm and he closed his eyes, recalling what had happened that night. 'My parents had drugged me - something in my drink at dinner, I think. I was conscious, but everything was hazy, like I was looking at myself and what was happening through water or dirty glass.'

He chanced another look at Remus and saw that the other man's brow was creased in concern. Taking that as a positive sign, he kept going.

'They were going to perform a ceremony that they'd tried to do with me once before but hadn't attempted again after I'd begun to fight back. I smashed the jaw of one of the elders when I was thirteen.'

The corner of Remus' mouth twitched at that and Sirius gave him a quick smile before his jaw tensed again.

'But I couldn't stop them this time,' he told him, feeling his body tense as he recalled that night. 'They…stripped me and had me lay on the floor. They had painted all these rune symbols on the floor around me then they reproduced them on my chest.'

His hand fluttered upwards and touched his breastbone lightly and he saw Remus' mask melt completely as he got it.

'The paint…that night…?'

Sirius nodded in confirmation and Remus shifted uncomfortably, frowning.

'The elders - including my parents were all chanting, hoping to drive the spirits out,' Sirius continued. 'When they'd finished, they asked if I still wanted to 'fornicate with my own sex'. I said yes. So they got the belts out.'

'Sirius…' Remus said suddenly, leaning forward with his forearms on his knees. 'You don't have to tell…'

'No, I do,' he said firmly, biting down on his lip.

As much as he hated thinking about this, he knew that this betrayal had been the final straw for him, that Connor and his parents' actions had shattered whatever was left of his faith in other people, and that his trust issues stemmed from this night.

'They thought flagellation would make the devil leave me,' he said softly, the pain of that night coming back as fresh as if it had just happened. 'They all took turns - my mother and father went first, then…the man who took my virginity, my lover, went next.'

Remus' arm twitched and Sirius thought he might reach out, but instead, the artist clenched his hand at his side. Sirius was almost glad - he didn't want Remus to reach out because he pitied him; he wanted him to reach out because he'd forgiven him.

'His name was Connor,' Sirius told him, almost whispering now. 'He was twenty: four years older than me. I fell for him so very hard…'

Sirius frowned, clearing his tight throat as memories of his time with Connor assaulted him. 'We said that we were going to run away together. That's why I was arguing with my parents that day. I'd told them about Connor and me.'

He laughed humourlessly. 'I kept looking for him while they were performing the rituals. I kept waiting for him to come and rescue me, to tell them all that he loved me and that he was taking me away – just like he promised he would.'

Sirius looked at Remus, who was staring out the window, body tense and jaw tight. 'I saw him with the strap and I begged him to tell them all about us.'

Remus' head turned slightly towards him and Sirius knew he was listening.

'He denied it all,' Sirius whispered, swallowing hard. 'He told everyone I was lying about our affair then he beat me with a leather strap until it felt like he'd stripped the skin from my bones and I was screaming for him to stop.'

He sighed heavily, wrapping his arms around himself. 'I eventually gave in. I told them I no longer fancied men then, the next day, I moved in with James and his parents.'

Sirius tilted his head, trying to catch Remus' eye as he spoke. 'I'm not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me or as an excuse for my behaviour, but I just wanted you to know that it wasn't you. I didn't run because of anything you did or because of who you are, I ran because…because I was a bit freaked out by the paint, by the symbolism, I guess. I felt like I was right back there.'

Remus frowned, gazing at Sirius through narrowed, contemplative eyes for so long that Sirius wondered if he should just give up and leave then Remus spoke.

'That's not true,' he said abruptly, startling Sirius. 'A bit of paint reminded you of an experience from nearly ten years ago so you left without a word for a fortnight?' He shook his head. 'I'm not trying to take anything away from what happened to you - that was an horrific experience for you, and for your parents and your lover to have…'

He gritted his teeth for a moment then continued. 'But I don't believe that's all there is to it. I don't think you're telling me everything.'

Sirius bit his lip. It wasn't the whole story. Damn, Remus knew him so well after such a short time. Recounting the tale of his most painful moment was a cinch compared to revealing what he knew Remus wanted to hear, needed to hear, deserved to hear.

'Remus, it…us…we happened so quickly and I was…overwhelmed,' he attempted to explain. 'I felt like it was getting so serious so fast and then I saw the paint and it wouldn't come off - just like the runes - and it felt like I was right back there and that I was about to be hurt all over again.'

Remus shot to his feet immediately and Sirius groaned, knowing he'd worded that badly.

'You…I wouldn't…!'

Remus' indignation was completely justified and Sirius hastily tried to explain.

'God, that came out wrong; that…that wasn't what I meant. I just…I care about you, Remus. Too much and I felt like I couldn't stop it, I couldn't slow it down and…fuck…I was scared, alright. I was in over my head and I was fucking terrified and I ran away like a baby.'

Remus' face screwed up in confusion. 'So… you pissed off without a word and let me think you were only in it for the shag? Because you care about me so much?'

'I know,' Sirius moaned hopelessly, standing up and gazing pleadingly at Remus. 'I know it was stupid and hurtful and idiotic…'

'You must think I'm idiotic if I believe that pitiful excuse,' Remus snarled. 'If you cared so damn much, why not take -oh, say five fucking seconds - to call the next day and say 'Remus, so sorry, but I'm completely fucked up and need some time to sort myself out. It's not you - it's me. Fucking you really wasn't the worst frigging experience of my life…'

Remus voice cracked on a noise that sounded very much like a suppressed sob and Sirius' eyes burned.

'I'm sorry. Remus, shit. I'm so fucking sorry.' He reached out unthinkingly, touching the other man's face and was pushed away. 'Rem, being with you was the best damn thing that's ever happened to me. Sex…it's never been like that before and I know that sounds like a cliché but I mean it. You were perfect; the problem was with me - all me…'

'All you?' Remus snapped. 'Jesus, you are so far up your own arse how you manage to speak through all the shit is beyond me.'

Sirius winced at the harsh words. 'God, this is all coming out wrong,' he said, rubbing his forehead. 'Please, Remus…' He gripped the other man's face hard, resisting Remus' attempts to shake him off. 'I can't put it into words, I don't know how to explain it properly, but I want you. I want you so badly and it scares the hell out of me, but I'm ready. I can do this…'

Remus gave him a shove, surprising Sirius with his strength, and the brunette stumbled backwards.

'You can do this?' Remus spat, glaring daggers at him. 'You're ready? Why the hell should I believe a word you say? What's to stop you buggering off at the first bump in the road again?' He shook his head, turning his back on Sirius. 'If you think I'm putting myself through all this again, you are more fucked up than you realise.'

'I won't do it again,' Sirius promised, voice desperate as he moved close. He grasped Remus' shoulders and tried to turn him to face him. 'I've been without you now, Remus, and I don't want to do it again; I can't do it again.'

'Stop touching me!'

Remus almost screamed the words, swinging around with his arm raised, trying to dislodge Sirius' hands. But as he did, Sirius let go and Remus' fist struck him across the cheekbone. Sirius cried out in pain, raising a hand to his face, and Remus' mouth hung open, shocked at what he'd done.

'Oh, shit.' Remus stared at Sirius as he took his hand away from his face, revealing the already swelling graze there. 'Buggering fuck, Sirius. I'm sorry. Shit.'

He touched the other man's face tentatively, grimacing in sympathy when Sirius hissed at the light touch.

'It's alright, Remus.'

'It's swelling…'

'Only a little. It's not bad…'

'You need some ice or…'

Sirius grasped Remus' hand and held tight, catching his eye. 'It's alright, Remus. I'm fine.' He realised the other man was shaking and pulled him a little closer, cupping his face with the other hand.

'I'm fine.'

They stared at each other, anger and defensiveness having faded away and left behind two men who were tired of fighting their own hearts.

Remus sighed softly, wearily. 'You don't trust me, Sirius. That's why you left. You don't trust me not to hurt you like he did.'

Sirius swallowed hard and shook his head. 'I do trust you, Remus. It's me I don't trust. My judgement, my mind, my heart. I didn't trust what I was feeling, what I knew about you, and I fought it. When I couldn't fight it anymore, I fled.'

'Fight or flight,' Remus murmured, and Sirius nodded.

'But I woke up to myself - finally. I trust in what I feel now. I just hope it's not too late.'

Remus' eyes dropped and Sirius bit his lip. He stroked his thumb across the back of Remus' hand, feeling the fine bones under the skin. This man was so very strong in some ways, and so very fragile in others - and he had hurt him in the worst possible way. Sirius swallowed what little there was left of his pride and asked the question he dreaded hearing the answer to.

'Have I stuffed up too badly? Do you hate me, Remus?'

Remus exhaled - long and slow - and looked up. His eyes were glittering with tears as he whispered, 'It'd be a lot fucking easier if I did.'

Tears stung his own eyes as Sirius released Remus' hand and raised it to join the other, framing the artist's face. Thumbs dragged lightly along Remus' jaw line, the stubble scraping Sirius' skin. Remus clenched his eyes shut, trying to resist the lure of the man he loved, then he groaned and leaned in, Sirius meeting him halfway.

Their lips joined awkwardly, hesitantly at first, the touch firming for a moment before they pulled back. The taste of the other on their lips after going without for so long was intoxicating and, at an unspoken signal, they crashed their mouths back together urgently. Arms wound tightly around each other as their lips bruised and crushed and took - hungrily, needily and suddenly that first kiss had escalated to 'find a fucking bed NOW''. Remus pushed Sirius against the wall, biting the other man's lip hard and smiling when Sirius yelped and bit him back. Their hands tore at zips and buttons, hastily shoving their pants down to their knees.

'In me now,' Sirius whispered, spinning around to face the wall. 'Nothing but you.'

Remus shuddered and quickly spat on his hand, rubbing it over his throbbing dick before he gripped Sirius' hips and plunged inside, Sirius tensing from the rough entry. Remus gave him a moment to adjust to the invasion, twisting his fingers in Sirius' black locks. He pulled Sirius' head back against his shoulder, latching his mouth onto the exposed throat, the moans that filled the air vibrating through both their bodies.

Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius' waist and withdrew until his cock was almost free from the hot, tight channel before slamming back into the welcoming warmth. It was rough and fast - neither man lasting long. Sirius spilled hot and thick over his own hand first after only a few burning thrusts from Remus. The other man took only a couple more strokes before he gasped out his own release, sucking hard on Sirius' neck as he bucked and shook with the force of his orgasm.

They slid, boneless, down the wall, to lay in a heap of tangled limbs on the floor, breathing slowing as the hands on the mantle clock ticked off each second. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, though, and neither man was in a hurry to be the one to break it. Sirius shifted, kicking his twisted jeans off then his fingers moved to Remus' shirt, pulling it over the brown hair. They worked together to get each other naked, vulnerable, nothing remaining hidden now, then Remus pulled Sirius into a full body embrace, legs and arms twining together. Their foreheads pressed together, breath gently tickling their cheeks for long moments before Remus finally spoke.

'You hurt me.'

'I know.'

'Don't do it again.'

TBC...