This chappy got a little long too... hehee... well, have fun with it!
Edited for spelling mistakes. Oh, I'm getting bored doing this...
And adding the disclaimer once again: Don't own FMA.
PARENT'S RESPONSIBILTY
Chapter 14
Shattering mind
Ed woke up breathing heavily and seeing the room completely dark. He's eyes were wandering in a paranoid way in the shadows imaging all horrible monsters and nightmarish things of his past.
No, don't believe in them, they're not real, he tried to convince himself and shut his eyes tightly.
"Why couldn't you fix me right, Edward?"
"How could you let it happen, brother…? I trusted you!"
"No, no, no", he whined silently and drew his leg closer to himself and covered himself with his blanket. But it was dark under it too. Actually darker than without it.
"Brother, you idiot..! You said you'd never leave me, you said we'd be together forever..!"
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..! I mean it, please, Al… I'm so sorry..!" he sobbed silently and tried to cover his ears, which didn't work very well with only one arm. He cried fearfully and tried to shut all the voices out.
"…Ed..?" he heard a moan once again and tried to bury his head in his pillow.
"Leave me alone, just leave me alone..! Please let me be… I'm so sorry!" he begged incomprehensively against his pillow. Roy sighed.
"Ed it's me. Roy. And there's no one else in here."
Ed shot up and looked at Roy. He looked a little frightening in the dark with his black hair and pale skin. He couldn't really see his face in the dark.
"They're here… they're… they're whispering to me! They're just so… I'm so guilty!" he cried out desperately. "I'm just so guilty for everything!"
Roy moaned sleepily and got up and walked to Ed and hugged him. "It's not your fault, OK? If Riza wakes up, we're dead. I suggest you try to calm down."
Ed bit his lip and swallowed a few times, trying to block it all in once again. He managed to hold his tears for a while. Roy looked at him encouragingly. Then he broke again.
"I can't!" he sobbed. Roy rolled his eyes, thanking the night for not letting Ed see it. He stroke Ed's hair.
"You're not weak, Ed. Don't give up", he whispered. Ed shook his head quickly.
"I'm not strong! I'm not as strong as all you think! I have my limits too!"
"Shh. Of course you do, Ed. Nobody's unbreakable. We all have limits." He guided Ed's head on his shoulder. Ed sniffed.
"I can't live like this", he whispered and Roy felt Ed's nails burying painfully on his arm. He refused to cry out.
"It won't be like this forever. It'll change. You just have to wait a while longer."
"It won't change it. For my whole life he was here. He was the one who kept me living. I can't carry on without him. He was everything."
Roy rubbed Ed's back gently. "He may have been the most of it… but he wasn't everything, you just have to see it."
Ed gagged. "Roy, I'm feeling sort of funny."
"Funny?" Roy asked disbelievingly. Who used the word 'funny' in a conversation like this?
"Mm-hmm. My stomach hurts and head aches. And I'm tired." Ed cuddled Roy sleepily and the older man sighed.
"You're probably sleeping and eating too little. Come on, get some rest." He removed his arms from Ed and the child panicked and grabbed his wrist tightly.
"Don't leave me! Please don't, they'll come back, they'll come back and cry, I hate hearing people cry, I-" he sobbed but stopped when Roy hugged him tightly.
"What if we'd move these beds a little closer and I'd hold your hand till you fall asleep?"
Ed hesitated a moment before nodding silently. Roy moved his bed next to Ed's and watched the boy squeezing his blankets tight with unnaturally stiff posture.
"Come here", he said and entwined his arms. Ed quickly cuddled in them quickly. Roy sighed "OK, I guess it's fine that way too."
It took only a while from Ed to fall back asleep in Roy's protecting arms, his head buried against Roy's chest. But it took a longer while from Roy to fall asleep. His mind was so messed up.
Would he ever have the power to save Ed?
Riza woke up early in the next morning and stretched her hands. She got up and yawned while walking to the kitchen, Black Hayate following her loyally. She could read from the dog's eyes that it was hungry and smiled. Black Hayate being hungry reminded her about Roy mentioning the day before about a kitty. It was probably hungry too. Well, it wasn't like the cat was going to die in hunger during only one day.
She fed her dog with usual commands before allowing it to eat and started preparing coffee, making sure to save some for Roy and Ed too.
After she had poured her first glass there was a knock in the door.
She opened the door angrily wondering who the hell had the guts to show up this early. It wasn't even eight o'clock yet!
She sighed as she saw Hughes' excited face.
"I assume Roppy-poppy and Little Eddy are here?" he asked cheerfully. Riza looked at him suspiciously.
"Yes. But they're still asleep, so if you came to see them, I'm sorry to disappoint you", she answered calmly. She was surprised to see a happy smile on Maes' face as he took his camera.
"Can I get a photo!? This is just something I have to perpetuate and I may never get another chance? Pretty please?!" he asked with his puppy eyes.
Riza crossed her arms. "I'm not letting you come in, Maes. You'll wake them up with your loud chuckling and they both seemed extremely tired. Especially Ed."
"Then you can take it for me! I'm not leaving without a few photos."
"No, Maes. I think you are. I have my gun in here."
"You wouldn't shoot a father of a four year old child?" Maes asked innocently. Riza sighed.
"Try me and I really might."
"Talking about Elysia, I have to show you my most recent photos-"
Riza grabbed the camera and slammed the door against Maes' face before the man got any idea what had happened. Whoever would've chosen the option she did.
She opened the door and was surprised to find the two bed's right next to each other's, Ed sleeping in Roy's strong arms. She looked at them in an adoring way before taking a few photos. Maybe she'd ask Maes to give her one too. This was a whole new side of Roy to her. And she couldn't deny liking it.
Ed squeezed his eyes and cuddled closer to Roy muttering something with a low voice and Riza couldn't help but kneel down for a while and stroke his hair a few times. The boy seemed to relax even more. His face was almost peaceful. Almost.
She got up and walked back to the door and gave the camera back to Maes.
"Give me one of them too."
"Only if you put it in frames."
"It's a deal then."
After about fifteen minutes Ed woke up feeling really bad. He felt like puking, his mind didn't really concentrate in anything else but trying to hold it back. He hit Roy in the head.
"Oww… Ed, what the..?" the man muttered and opened his eyes slowly to see the slightly green-faced teen in front of him keeping a hand over his mouth. It didn't take further explanation to realise what was going on and he carried Ed quickly to the bathroom.
"Roy what the..?" Riza asked as he ran over her. Her question was answered with a loud and disgusting voice coming from the bathroom. "God, no…" she muttered.
Roy tried not to breathe through his nose for once while holding Ed's long hair back. The boy gagged but nothing more came.
"…Do you have any water…?" Ed asked tiredly and wiped his mouth. It didn't take long from Riza to give him a glass which he emptied gratefully.
"Can I go back to sleep now?" he asked as Roy flushed the toilet trying not to puke himself. Riza sighed.
"Roy, we've got to be at work in an half an hour", she stated looking at her watch. Roy turned to her disbelievingly.
"You've got to be kidding me! He's sick, I can't leave him alone and I can't find anyone to look after him in this short time!"
She shook her head. "Sorry Roy, but I can't help. You've already used all your free days and the law thinks he's old enough to look after himself if he gets sick so his parents, guardians or whoever can't skip job because of it."
"What are you suggesting? That I'd take him to work puking to my ear?"
"Not to your ear, in a bucket. You can borrow one of mines."
"Please, Riza, no. And if that Winry-girl managed to catch a train the night I called her she should get here today if there haven't been any problems, which I doubt."
Ed shook his head aguishly. "God, no. You've got to be kidding me. Tell me that's a made-up excuse Roy, I really don't want to see her now in this situation."
Roy didn't answer and the kid started snarling miserably. All they could do was hope that it would go over quickly and drag Ed with.
Unluckily, it didn't go away with only one time of puking.
"Hi all. Is everyone here?" Roy asked as he helped Ed to the couch, put the bucket with a little water in the bottom of it and a bottle of water next to Ed.
"Thanks", the teen muttered. "Do you have a blanket?"
Roy shook his head but threw his jacket to Ed. The staff looked at them a little worriedly.
"Is something wrong?" Breda finally asked.
"Apparently a bug has hit him. Hopefully it'll go away soon", Roy said trying to calm everyone down. The sound of Ed puking again behind him on the couch didn't help one bit. The officers started all breathing through their mouths. Funny sight.
"Where's Fuery?" Roy asked worriedly.
"Sick too", Falman answered quickly. "Maybe there was something wrong with your sandwiches, Havoc."
"Blaming me!?" Havoc snapped back.
"SHUT UP AND LET ME SLEEP!" Ed bellowed from the couch after sipping a little water.
"Alright people, back to work. Don't let it distract you, just… work, OK?" Roy commanded and sat behind his desk which was covered with today's paperwork. When had the piles gotten so big?
About 16.17 the door slammed open with a blond sky blue-eyed girl rushing in the room with a wrench in her hand. She looked at the officers furiously.
"Where is that reckless pipsqueak whose brains appear to be made of complete and pure shit of a cow and who can't even protect the last person of his family in the case of danger?!?! WHERE IS THAT WEAK LITTLE BASTARD SOME OF YOU CALL MR. ELRIC!?!?"
All of the fingers pointed quickly to the door which led to Roy's office. Winry was as scary sight to see angry as 1st lieutenant Hawkeye. Suddenly it was hard to decide which one they would choose to deal with rather.
Winry stepped in Roy's room slamming the door shut so the glass almost shattered to pieces. Before Roy had any idea of what was happening. She was hacking Ed with her wrench so hard it seemed to never stop. Ed didn't even wince.
"YOU IDIOT! How could you Edward!? We all trusted in you! We trusted that YOU COULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR BROTHER!!! If we'd know it would end up this way we'd never let you go! You're coming home now, I'm sick of this place, I'm sick of yelling at you if it never really reaches your useless brains! I'm going to torture you for weeks, you idiot, and then I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully so you'll have time to think about your good, polite, loving brother many times before ending up in hell where you belong, you… you…! I CAN'T EVEN SAY A WORD POWERFUL ENOUGH! YOU DISGUST ME, ED!"
Ed was starting to turn green again. Roy, already knowing the symptom opened his mouth quickly.
"Winry, you'd better step back quickly so he can-!"
"DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH THIS PIECE OF SHIT-!"
Her voice faded when Ed couldn't hold in any longer but let it all come up. Right over Winry who looked at herself with a disgusted look on her face. She whacked Ed with the wrench again.
"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID, WHAT'S THE POINT OF SOMETHING AS LOW AS YOU EVEN LIVING!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, WHERE DID THE CHILD I ONCE KNEW GO, EDWARD?! AND WHERE DID HIS BROTHER GO TOO!? WHERE DID HIS BROTHER GO!? SAY IT TO ME!" She screamed with tears starting to develop in her eyes. Ed just stared.
Winry hit him again, Roy was starting to panic from seeing all the blood around the boy who wasn't even defending himself from this unfair attack. It wasn't Ed's fault, for God's sake! He stepped in and threw Winry's wrench out of the window.
"CAN YOU STOP IT, PLEASE!?" he yelled back to her. Never had he gotten the courage to scream at someone so scary. But now he had someone to protect for doing so. "I think I have to have a few words with you, Miss Rockbell", he continued coldly. She shook her head furiously and wiped her tears away.
"It's not like I want to ever see him again. I'll just go", she sobbed but Roy took her hand. Ed had frozen and curled himself up on the couch. He seemed miserable and Roy swore his shoulders were shaking. He knew that right now he had to be there for Edward, but he also knew that he had to be with Winry. Damn, when did he become a fucking babysitter!?"
Riza stepped in the room with a new pile of papers but froze to the door watching the scene in front of her. She shook her head.
"You can shower at my place. It's not far away", she said and started dragging Winry away in a comforting way. Roy looked at her seriously. Riza let her eyes lay a while on Ed's bloody and shaking figure. He nodded to Roy and guided the crying girl away.
"Okay people, I need you to clean this mess up!" he yelled to the officers. If they hadn't seen that right now Roy needed to be with Ed they would've complained for making them do the dirty work. But the look in both of their eyes was enough to persuade them to give up and just do what they were told to do.
Winry came from the shower with clean clothes on, her eyes still red and watery. Riza looked at her seriously.
"I think we need to have a little word about this situation", she said calmly and motioned Winry to sit on her couch which she did, looking a little unwilling.
"I don't want to talk about him."
Riza shook her head. "Do you even know what happened?"
Winry looked at her angrily. "They were running in somewhere and apparently got in a fight again. Al's dead. It was Ed's responsibility to look after him. He failed." She was starting to cry again.
"Yes and no. Actually they were coming back from a mission to report back in Central. Then they just disappeared for a few days." At this point Winry raised her eyebrows. "They were kidnapped. Ed was tied to a chair for all those days being tortured. Al was ripped to pieces. We don't know when, but apparently this kidnapper wiped of the bloodseal right in front of Ed's eyes. He wasn't able to do anything."
"I don't believe that."
"Look in his eyes and you'll see the truth. He feels horrible, Winry. Right now he doesn't need you screaming at him and blaming him for everything. He's not doing well. I don't think you noticed it but he's totally broken."
Winry's gaze was starting to change ashamed. She lowered her head. "Why didn't he call me? If he'd just… if he'd just called me…"
"I guess, and this really is a pure guess, it can be completely wrong, but he didn't want to upset you. He didn't want to see you cry, Winry, because he cares. And he didn't want to face the thing that Al's never coming back. You remind him of Al. You three were always together. Now one of you is gone. It isn't easy for him."
Winry wiped her tears away. "How's he doing? Is he okay?"
Riza sighed. "I wish I'd be able to say that."
Winry raised her head again and looked at her pleadingly. "What's going on?"
"Winry, he's having hard time getting over Alphonse. He's doing really badly. I think Roy has helped him a bit but not enough. He needs all the support he can have."
Winry shook her head. "What has he done now?"
"He wants to die Winry. There have been a few really close moments. One was just yesterday. He almost sliced his throat from what I've heard." Winry paled. "Winry, you have to be here for him. You have to care for him, you have to go and apologize and support him. Maybe giving him new limbs would help. I can see Roy's back has started to hurt from carrying him around so much." She made a small smile. "We need all the help we can get, and I'm sure you'll want him to get better too."
Winry buried her face in her hands and started crying again. "I'm so stupid. I should've never yelled at him. I'm so sorry..!"
"Then let's go back and apologize", Riza said with a comforting smile and hug.
"Ed, it's not your fault."
Ed had been deadly silent since the moment with Winry. Roy was keeping him on his lap and hugging but the kid was not reacting at all.
"Don't bottle it in, please Ed. You can talk to me, you know you can tell me everything. Bottling it in just makes it worse."
Ed turned his head to him with a broken look on his face. "She was right", he whispered with a hoarse voice. Roy shook his head.
"She was far from right, Ed."
Ed shook his head slowly. "She wasn't. I couldn't even take care of my little brother. What kind of person am I?" Tears were falling down his cheeks. "And I made her cry again."
"It was not your fault Ed."
The boy sobbed desperately. "No one as horrible as me deserves to live anymore. It would've been much better if I'd never born."
"Stop it Ed! It wouldn't have been so!" Roy disagreed and stroke Ed's hair.
"You don't know what it's like! No one does!" Ed screamed. "I'm just so alone… All I do is wrong, I just-"
"Edward, you need to stop thinking like that! You're a good person, you've done all you've could to save people. You've done your best. But sometimes our best just isn't enough. It's my fault too. I did my best but I didn't found you in time."
"You weren't there! All the time I could've-"
"Done nothing Ed. You were tied up in a chair. I was walking free on the streets, I had a chance. I ruined it."
"You could've done nothing!" Ed screamed and hit Roy in his stomach. Tears of pain came in Roy's eyes and Ed gasped. "…I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to..! How can you still be on my side, I've beat you up so badly, you're happy to be alive-!"
Roy drew breath back in his lungs. "You've had rough time Ed, I can understand it…"
"But I can't! I… I can't!" Ed cried. "I'm not even sure who or what I am anymore at times. I'm slipping Roy… I'm fading… I'll go crazy if it goes on like this!" he screamed.
Roy hugged him tighter. "It'll change. I promise Ed, it'll change. I'll make it change."
"…Sometimes our best just isn't enough", Ed whispered sadly. Then he covered his mouth. "Roy, where's that bucket?"
That "I'm so sorry"-line is starting to become the most used line in this fic. Hehee. Not that I mind.
Well, I want to thank you all for reading this once again. Reviews would be nice too!