AN: This chapter is set up a little differently. I figured we needed to see Brennan's thoughts on Booth's little speech, so here it is. All of Booth's words are in italics to differentiate between him and Brennan. I hope I captured her without seeming to out of character. Please let me know what you think. Also there is a possibility that this story will go to M in the next chapter. Please keep that in mind if you are watching for the next updates.

Temperance shivered slightly as she sat on the floor of the bedroom next to Booth. As he'd hugged her earlier, he'd accidentally spilled some scotch on her pajama top. To make it up to her, Booth took off his shirt and handed it to her. Now as he slept with his head in her lap, she took a moment to smell the shirt. There was just something about his smell that turned her on. Then again it could be because she was ovulating. That had to be it, because biologically speaking, women were more attracted to alpha male types during ovulation than at any other time during their cycle. She looked down at the sleeping agent and swept her fingers through her hair. He'd poured his heart out to her and she was a little shell shocked over the whole thing.

With a sigh she closed her mind a moment trying to pull back from what she felt to think about what he said rationally. She was worried about him more than she would admit, and if his total emotional exhaustion was any indication, he'd been holding in those thoughts for a long time. Again she glanced down at him smiling at the peaceful expression he currently wore.

"I knew, knew. I shouldn't have gone to the range. I knew something was going to happen to me. It always does. I never get a break. Why can't I get a break? It all just piles up higher and higher until it topples over." Booth slid his hand down to hold hers and played with her fingers for a moment. He couldn't help but notice her grandmother's ring on her middle finger. It contrasted so much with the one on his ring finger. He sighed and let go of Brennan's hand. She sat down and Booth leaned down over her almost nose to nose. "Last time was at a table this time in a fucking dream. A dream. A GOD DAMN DREAM."

I wonder why he went to the shooting range. He must have gone there after leaving the train station. Temperance brought her hand up to her lips and sighed. One thing was for sure, the man could kiss. She shook the thought off, trying to focus on his words. She needed to sort through this in order to decide where she stands with him. He'd looked at their rings while he was talking. Her mind wandered to the night before the wedding. They'd been walking through the Mall in the rain…there was just something about a man all wet… I know who I love and who I'm in love with. Those were his words. She thought about the intense look he'd given her when he said it. He'd been talking about her. The thought made her blush. This is ridiculous, she thought as she glanced down at the sleeping agent. He makes me blush and he's not even awake.

"You know this is all your fault. I had everything under control until you came into my life, you and your "Squints". You have to be right about everything. Always have the answers. Why am I intimidated by you? Why? I am a damn FBI agent, a former sniper for god's sake. I don't intimidate."

She knew he didn't intimidate, but one thing she would never tell him…early on, she'd been intimidated by him. The man could be so infuriating and the way he'd first come into the Jeffersonian as if he'd owned the place… Booth shifted in her lap, turning his head to get more comfortable. She ran her fingers through his hair again and watched his even breathing for a moment before returning to her thoughts.

"But you... ohhh," he sputtered as he ran a hand through his hair, pulling on it fiercely. "You do this thing to me. God it killed me to go undercover. I knew it would ruin everything. But Cullen and his 'this is such an important case that would give us tremendous news coverage when it breaks' speech. I knew. I knew I should have passed it up. But I couldn't, with my damn list." Booth set down his drink and pulled a sheet of folded paper from a pocket and waved it around wildly. Brennan watched him, slightly unnerved by this wild and uncontrolled Booth. "This list is what sealed the deal."

Temperance shook her head. It was irrational that Booth should always feel the weight of the world on him. He always felt this need to be a protector, to take on the world's problems by himself and he'd gotten himself into a huge mess because of it. And as for the list… she'd figured he'd meant it figuratively. She'd never imagined that he might actually have a list of names. He was trying so hard to atone for his perceived wrongs it ate at him.

"Do you know that I look at this list every day? Each. and . e v e r y DAY! and now I have a wife who isn't my wife and a 'baby' that isn't even mine. It is her fiance's. A perfectly wonderful guy who works in a lab. She got to tell her lab person.. Why couldn't I tell mine?" Booth turned to look at her, his eyes intense. "You want to know why I couldn't tell my person? Because she wasn't mine. She. Was. Not. MINE. She was the unatainable. The one thing I knew I could never have but would always want. Then," Booth began to pace again, his hands still in fists, "then, of course, the day I get fake married she tells me that she loves me after she watched me exchange vows with another woman. She just watched and did nothing. When the priest asked if anyone has reason for this marriage to not take place to speak now or forever hold their peace... did she hold her peace? Yeah, she did until we got to the reception. Then she went and announced it to the whole reception area, while I was stuck sitting next to a woman who was not my real wife looking like a fish out of water."

Okay, for that she did feel a little guilty. He had been hinting that he'd wanted her to say something, but why hadn't he voiced his feelings. Looking back, she realized that maybe she should have seen it all along. Not once did she ever see him give Annie anything but completely chaste kisses. Nor did he touch her the way couples touch. He would easily sling his arm around her own shoulders or guide her around with a hand on her back, or give her hugs, but never Annie. They were strictly business. How had she not seen that? She wasn't as socially inept as everyone thought. She could read body language, so why couldn't she see what was right in front of her?

As for why she waited to tell him how she felt… He betrayed her, at least that's how she looked at it. He betrayed her by marrying someone else. Even if they weren't dating, or had any romantic relationship at all for that matter, his marriage felt like a betrayal. That's why she ruined everything. She'd never said anything, but then again, neither had he.

"Do you know what it is like to kiss a woman that you have no feelings for?" Booth moved to the small occasional table and grabbed the bottle of scotch there, pouring himself another glass. "Do you know the anguish I have gone through? The heartache that I couldn't tell you? My best friend. The one person I know will not judge me. Of course not, you don't let feeling get in the way. You push them aside and dive into your work, except on those brief moments where you let me in just a little." Booth held his thumb and forefinger apart just slightly before dropping his hand again. "Do you know how many times I have prayed for you to let me in just a little more than the last time? I have stock in the freaking candle company that my parish uses. Hell I should just go out and buy the damn company I have used so many of their candles. All for you. To help you find your way, to help you deal with your feeling with your parents. To keep you safe. Fuck, the saints all but know me on a first name basis I talk with them so much."

Why did he always feel as though he had to protect her from the world? She'd been through so much that he didn't even know about. And how could he think she was unfeeling? No, it wasn't that. He knew more than anyone that she felt things and was affected by the events around her. He knew how much she hurt for the victims she identified, and he was the one who comforted her. He knew her. Oh god, she thought and closed her eyes for a moment. She was so used to him being there for her that she didn't take a moment to realize that he might need her too. He had secrets he didn't tell her and he always seemed so strong in the face of things… The signs were all there though. It was why he used to gamble, and why his sense of justice was so strong. He relied on his faith to get him through, but maybe he needed more than that.

"Oh I know you don't believe in faith. God is just a myth. Well let me tell you, he has been there for me no matter what. He never leaves me. When I need him all I have to do is say hi and he is there. He doesn't run away from me and leave me alone to spiral into nothingness."

Booth's absolute faith in something that wasn't tangible just didn't make sense. Anthropologically she knew that all religions were an answer to the questions society posed that there was no answer for. Though most aspects of the unknown was proven by science, the belief in an invisible creator still remains. Brennan shook her head. In a way, God was a sort of imaginary friend to Booth. How could he believe in something that has no basis in science. She shook her head. She believed in him, and it was as close to faith as she could get. Only when he'd entered what she'd thought was a relationship with Annie did her unwavering support of him disappear. It seems she was wrong to allow her trust to waver.

"You know what is funny. I never knew her feelings. Over and over I wished that her actions meant something else but she never gave any indication to further it. What am I supposed to think? Now I get this assignment that is so classified I can't even tell my son the truth." Booth whirled around and looked at Brennan, a strange glint in his eye. Brennan gulped, not knowing how close he was to truly losing it. "Do you have any idea how hard this is going to be on my little boy? My son really likes Annie. Hell he probably loves her. Now I have to explain to him when all of this is over that it was all a set up. It wasn't real. God, Rebecca is going to flip. She will probably limit my time yet again."

I never gave any indication of my feelings? What is he talking about, she wondered. Of course I gave indications. How many times had she shown an interest in kissing him, of being understanding of his feelings…maybe subtelty just didn't work on him. He could read people like a book, and knew her too well, but didn't know how she felt about him? That was the biggest load of bull she'd ever heard. And as for Rebecca…the woman might end up mad at him, but if she knew anything about his job, then she'd forgive him. It was his guilt talking again. Rebecca had to know undercover work was part of the deal. I wonder if he was undercover on this assignment when we were in Vegas? She thought back to their time as Tony and Roxie. If her desire for him wasn't evident then with the way she nearly attacked him when he won that fight… That man looked so hot even when beaten to a pulp…

"So don't you dare think you have the right to have this attitude because I got married. You could have stopped it. Said something at any time. You…you" his voice faded almost to a whisper as he dropped his head down onto a bicep. "Why do I let you do this to me? Now you have yet again got yourself someone new. And I again am left with my dreams and nightmares. "I am never going to catch up. I don't know why I even try. It's not like anyone cares. No one ever knows. It is just me and the fifty."

Brennan again shook her head and looked down at Booth. She gently traced over his features, stopping for a moment when he frowned. Once the look again smoothed into relaxed sleep, she resumed the gentle touch. "Why did you lay all of this on me," she wondered aloud, keeping her voice low so she wouldn't wake him. "You could have told me how you felt and it would have saved us both a lot of trouble. And as for you and the fifty…you have me too, you know. You aren't alone in life, even if you think you are."

"Bones," he murmured before stretching an arm up and around her leg. The feel of his hand on her bare thigh sent shivers through her body. Gently she brought her free hand to his arm and caressed his skin, looking at his arm. There was so much power there and yet he controlled it so easily. Booth, the gentle protector. Brennan smiled at the thought. He'd hate to hear it, but that's what he was. He held his power in check so easily, and he could be so gentle, especially with her and Parker.

"Parker asked me when I started dating Annie why I wasn't dating you. He adores you so much. It broke my heart to have to do the assignment. We had Annie go undercover as his teacher for that year so she could win him over. Him and Rebecca. It had to seem real for it to work. The danger is so bad Bones." He closed his eyes and shook his head, anguish dripping from his voice. "I don't know if I can do it this time. How can I keep you safe and do everything else too? Your dad... he is a target Bones. And he doesn't want to leave you again. How am I going to keep you all safe? I don't think I can do this Bones." Booth dropped down to his knees in front of her, his head dropping down almost into her lap. "My list is going to get longer and I can't do anything to stop it."

"You worry about the bad guys Booth, don't worry about me. I can take care of myself." She wondered briefly how her father was mixed into everything. She knew logically that Booth was here on an assignment, but that it related to her father was a surprise. Was he a target from that far back? She'd have to ask Booth in the morning.

"Feelings suck. I should have just turned them off when I had the chance. I should have just gone on auto pilot like I used to. Everything would have been so much easier. Why did I let you get under my skin?"

Well that just didn't make any sense to her. It was physically impossible for her to get under his skin unless she were literally to skin him and wear it as a bodysuit. Okay…that thought is just creepy, but not unheard of in human history. In fact many native peoples…stay on topic here Brennan.

"When I first met you I was so amazed by you. You have this gift that I could only dream of having. The way you look at the bones and they talk to you is just amazing. Me, what do I have? My gift is to kill people. I kill people. I, Seeley Booth am a hired killer. Goverment trained. You know Bones... my list is at fifty people. I know that it's longer, but those fifty are the names I know, of the people I have murdered. What other way is there to call it. I can see their faces. Each of their names have a face, a family. Loved ones. People that loved them for who they are or rather were. Those families mourn the deaths that I caused. I killed them because someone told me that they were bad and needed to die. When I go to sleep at night each and every one of them visit me. They haunt me. I can't seem to get closure. Then I met you and you had this energy. You wanted to get out there and find the bad guys. I thought I had finally found the one person that..." Booth took a deep breath and gave a chuckle as he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. "I never win. I play a good game though huh? I walk the walk and talk the talk. I am exactly who they want me to be. I am a killer. The only difference between me and the bad guys is that I have a conscience." Silence filled the room between them for what seemed minutes before his voice lacking any hope broke the deafening quiet. "...I think."

Oh Booth, don't you know that I have that energy because of you? You treat me like an equal and give me a reason to do my job. Of course I initially went into my field to give people the answers I never got…at least not until I found them myself. But you, you let me help the living, let me help in saving lives. You give me purpose. As for the deaths at your hands…you were following orders. How is that in any way like the murderers we catch? Of course those people had loved ones. Everyone should have someone, but it doesn't make you a bad person. By ridding society of them you saved so many other lives. How is it you can't see that about yourself? You're probably the noblest person I know.

Brennan kissed her hand and then pressed it to Booth's temple. As she rose to head to her own room, Booth's grip on her tightened. After debating for a moment as to what to do, she reached across him, grabbed the thick comforter on the bed and wrapped it around her and Booth as she slid down next to him.

"Good night Booth, and Merry Christmas," she murmured before settling into his embrace.