Chapter 13: Nocturnal reflections

(by Pacifique)

Hey! How are you?

First of all, Pacifique wants to say she loves you all! You made her happy!

...and that she asks for reviews/critics again. (well okay, I am the one who adds this, but since she's asking for comments at every french chapter, there's no reason. No discrimination with me! *~*).

About this chapter: it is again one of my favorites, (it was the one that pushed me to translate, to share it with you) because it offers the possibility to see two different reflections, two different minds in the characters of Gajeel and Levy. I liked this difference, this paradox in the fact they seem both crazy but understandable. And finally I liked the final realization and dilemma Gajeel had to face in the end.

Please enjoy!

I only own the translation. "Sick" belongs to Pacifique. Fairy Tail belongs to Mashima.

x_X

Despite the fact they were permanently driving in the dark, they kept a rather regular rhythm. Usually Levy was driving during the equivalent of the day and Gajeel during the supposed night. Every morning when they exchanged seat, a crisis was striking him and he was gradually losing his left arm's motricity. For Levy it was a good news, if the illness wasn't attacking directly the vital organs it meant he felt better. The crisis were shorter, weaker too. But time was ticking. The problem had to be solved before the magic wandered too high and reached the shoulder, or worse... the heart. For this they should have talk, but for now the priority for both of them was to go through this interminable night alive.

Levy had seen the ground bending gradually, like a crazy horse, and the mountain appearing as they pierced the fog, terrifying, its edges sharp. She had stopped the vehicle for a moment, to gaze at the wind blowing on the peaks, diluting them into the sky. It seemed that nothing could survive up there. The landscape itself seemed to be crumbling, dying. The crawler looked so fragile, not to mention Levy, her skin, her bones. Even Gajeel looked tiny, asleep on the side seat. She was tired, cold despite the purring of the heating, and slightly starving. She was tired to be dirty, bent, plunged into the silence during the whole day while he was sleeping. She felt the sudden desire to push the door and to run outside, into the icy wind that would froze her only after a few minutes.

The more time passed, the more she was realizing that she loved him, she loved him despite everything. The more time passed, the more she was frozen by this fact. She had to face it alone. it was the first time she had to face something entirely alone, with no one to support her and help her. There was no way she could talk about it to anyone, and she felt guilty as if she had committed a criminal act. So she burst into tears.

And Gajeel awoke. She wiped them and restarted the engine, before he could see them.

"You okay?" He still asked.

She didn't answer, her teeth gritted. He sighed and straightened.

"Do you want me to drive?" He asked again gruffly. Suddenly she couldn't stand it anymore. She would give anything, for someone to say a nice word, to smile, to talk about useless things, to hug her. Gajeel was unable to do it.

"I'm fine." She answered but her tears pierced her voice.

"What's going on?" He asked again, and she'd have preferred him not to say a word and to leave her alone. She would have liked to be alone for one second.

"Nothing…" She cried as the crawler was attacking laboriously the slope, making their bodies bend backward "I'm only fed up."

He remained silent for a moment, listening her soft cries. He didn't know what to do, absolutely not. Helpless, he decided to wait her to calm and sleep, he couldn't do anything better. So he had all the time to ponder, he thought back about this past time, when he was part of Fairy Tail, he had seen a lot of people console each others. In his eyes Natsu easily took the biscuit in this field and by far. But the sentences which put a smile back on his friends' faces seemed empty to Gajeel, so he couldn't even think about voicing them now. He thought about another detail. Most often people, to reassure each others, were touching their shoulders, or putting their hand over the other's. Last time it seemed it worked a bit. So in the darkness his hand approached hers but just at this moment Levy's sobs grew louder and he put it back as if he was burned, frightened by he didn't know what.

And yet how he'd have liked to do it. But he was afraid. He remembered now why he hated teamwork. When you were alone there was no stake but yourself, nobody else to put in danger, nobody else to hurt.

Suddenly Gajeel realized it, she was doing this for him and only him, she had consented to brave the mountain. After all, she could have begged him to bring her back to Fairy Tail. But no, for her the fact he could rot in prison seemed even worse than everything, worse than this trial he was imposing on her. For a moment… he was almost broken by this truth.

He watched Levy's face, soaked in tears in the half-light. Suddenly she looked crazy. What she was currently doing was complete madness. But it was too late. They couldn't go back anymore now. Gajeel never would have done this for anyone. His goal had always been to stay alive no matter what. But why would he stay alive? Now that he had seriously considered the option to die, and now that he had rejected the very same idea, it was time to answer this question. Living meant necessarily to have something more precious than his own life.

"Couldn't we… I don't know… talk for a while?" Levy suddenly suggested.

"Would it help ya?" Gajeel asked with hope. After all things were more simple with Levy than most of people. She voiced what she needed herself.

"I don't know…" She answered tearfully "It'd make the time pass quicker."

"And what do you want to talk about?" He said as he straightened awkwardly. The conversation was again something he was cruelly lacking.

"I have no idea. Whatever you want." She answered.

Immediately the Dragon Slayer decided to take advantage of this situation to try to know more about Levy. After all, the reason driving her to do everything she could to allow him to avoid the prison was so mysterious it was worth to be interested. By the way… the conversation they'd have wouldn't matter, it'd be still more interesting than watching the snowflakes settle endlessly on the dirty window of the windshield.

"You're weird." He began. Her giggle ended the remaining tears.

"I think I can return the compliment without any harm."

He pondered on it and realized it was true. In any case, she wasn't the first to tell him this.

"True but at least I am logical." Gajeel replied crossing his arms.

"Logical…" Levy whispered "Yes, no need to say we can't take it away from you." However she was still laughing softly. She didn't seem convinced. She went on:

"As for me, I don't feel like I am completely illogical either."

"Yes you are." Gajeel affirmed.

"Why are you saying that?" She asked in interest.

"Because of what you are doing right now. Anyone in the same situation would have managed to give a sign to Fairy Tail. No, worse. Anyone would have sent me in jail. In addition you were alone against all I guess."

"No it is wrong." Levy answered calmly "Makarov wanted to give you another chance. He had the feeling he failed because he didn't believe you when you told him that Litanie wasn't preparing anything."

"Well you were two. But still, it is understandable for Makarov but you… you owed me no debt, on the contrary." Gajeel added, deciding to make himself understood. But once again he crashed into her laughter.

"Gajeel…" Levy whispered "You know human relationships aren't just an arithmetical calculation."

"That's what I said, you're not logical." He went on.

"No… I don't follow the same logic than you that's all." She went on not giving up. He remained silent. Waiting for the next words with a mix of curiosity and anxiety.

"I think you can't imagine, it's… that… well… I'm going to start by the beginning. See, I've grown not far off Magnolia in a small village. My father was very influential there. In fact he represents a rather new religion and he is very appreciate. Almost everyone joined it. Personally I am too rational for that kind of things, but let's say he became a very tolerant man thanks to it. He taught me to pity the ones who hurt the others. For him, the persons who cause pain around them suffer themselves, otherwise such an idea would never cross their minds. Well anyway… even without that, when I was a kid I've always been treated with tender loving care. Even when I was at school I was a little prodigy, everyone liked me. Imagine when I realized I was a mage… the whole village was proud of me when I left for Fairy Tail. What I'm trying to say is… you are the first person who ever hurt me. No hard feelings huh… deep down… hatred, anger and all this, I don't really know what it is. Sometimes I can be upset… but nothing more. On the other hand I grew up surrounded in compassion. This is logical if it is the first thing that come to my mind when someone hurt me, don't you think?"

It was Gajeel's turn to laugh.

"You wouldn't have last half a day alone in Mara." He commented.

"Surely… but think about it… I'm not the one who's sick." For even an instant Gajeel remained silent, searching the link between what she was saying and his illness without finding it.

"Anyway I don't believe you. You inevitably were angry in a moment of your life…" He eventually said.

Levy remained silent an instant, she seemed to show good faith, thinking.

"Yes… well no. Let's say when something's wrong, usually I cry. But you realized it by the way didn't you?"

"Yeah… I realized." Gajeel had obviously jumped on the occasion to make an unpleasant comment, but she wasn't upset.

"My father always said that anger is a false emotion. Anger is actually disguised sadness. We are angry only when it is the only way to stay alive. Not everyone lives this kind of things…" Levy continued.

He remained silent for a minute, observing the snowflakes fluttering again and again.

"You think that's why I'm sick." He said suddenly.

"Amongst others yes." Levy answered frankly.

"So what do you want me to do huh, so this crap stop eating me?" He talked with anger again. As if she'd just insulted him.

"It is difficult to say, but I think we have to look back to the origins, to understand what's the trigger."

"For what purpose?" He grumbled again.

"I don't know what you've been through." Levy answered calmly, with a touch of despair in her voice. "What I know it's that you never took the time to think about it. You must go back over those haunting things that prevent you to move on, to trust people. You must allow yourself to be sad. Once you'll put everything in order, not only you won't be sick anymore, but you'll feel truly better."

"And you, where's your profit?" Gajeel asked again. He'd tried to sound as angry as ever, but she sensed he was losing his facade.

"I told you. I care about you… I… I don't want something bad to happen to you. I don't want you to die. I think you deserve to come through it otherwise than as a torturer in Mara, and I reckon that it is my duty as a Fairy Tail mage to fight for this."

Levy blushed, hoping that the dark could hide her embarrassment. She just lied to him, she knew he knew. She also knew he had no idea of what this lie was hiding. She had vowed to get rid of this feeling. She could help him, care about him, she knew objectively she was right to do so, it was what her values were commending her. But she couldn't love him. Loving him meant loving the blood he had on his hands.

"You're hiding something…" He whispered in the dark "Your heartbeat increased."

Levy cursed this organ which allowed her to live for the following second before answering.

"No, I don't lie. I always had cardiac arrhythmia. Blame stress for that. Let me remind you we are in the middle of nowhere, lost in the coldest place in the world." She was amazed to see how easily she could have lied with such a nerve when her cheeks were burning red. She prayed, hoping that the Dragon Slayers hadn't the power to see in the night.

"See… you've also got emotions that make you sick." He eventually answered crossing his arms.

"True…" She eventually agreed. In the end she had been able to pull through it.

In the end Gajeel and Levy spoke during the whole night or day, there was no difference. From now on they lost all sense of time. The clock of the track had stopped, frozen by the cold. And Levy had been terrorized by the simple idea that time had definitely stopped, and they could wander here forever, advancing over and over again. She had the bad idea to voice this thought aloud and Gajeel mocked her copiously, and strangely it reassured her.

The Dragon Slayer's tongue were loosened little by little. He'd well understood that if he wanted Levy to make through it, he mustn't leave her in the silence. Now when they were both exhausted, they stopped the machine on a safe place and they fell asleep together. The time they wasted didn't matter, it was safer to do so.

As they were climbing the mountain slope, Levy was discovering how cold, rigid and emotionless Gajeel's thought could be. For him everything was a question of survival, of adaptation. She was also realizing little by little that despite the appearances, he was very thoughtful. And as for him, as he listened Levy, he was surprised to discover a whole world filled in strange things he didn't know. The strange happiness she took as she was speaking with Lucy for instance, the pleasure she took as she was reading her first book, sharing things with her friend. It was completely alien to him, while she was founding there the very ground of her existence.

But as they drove closer to the peak, the icy cold intensified. Levy felt like she was gradually turning ice and she began to sleep in his arms, glued to him while he was driving. He was able to sleep only a few hours without any problem but fatigue was starting to win over her. Too often the tears were streaming on her cheeks and he could only watch her, helplessly, without knowing what to do or say. She had tried to used her magic to handle the cold, but making a fire inside the track was dangerous and the residual heat she managed to create wasn't enough. It seemed that this fact killed the hope she'd struggled to keep inside her.

There were a few terrible days where she was too cold to sleep and she couldn't help but cry without interruption. However she managed to drive, he didn't know how, she was driven by an extraordinary strength unknown to him. It was certainly due to the legendary determination of Fairy Tail.

Finally they reached the other side of the mountain and the slope was reversed. On this side, I was a little warmer. And an eternity later, this incredible moment happened.

Levy was sleeping against him, she was exhausted after she had remained so long in the insomnia, and having cried tears until she was dry. He was scared to break her with every movement. The more time passed, the less he hated feeling her body against his. He had the impression that in a way or another, the contact did good to him and helped him to hold on. In a matter of second, he wondered what would happen to this strange contact between them, once they'd leave this storm. It was survival and nothing else, but even him knew those gestures weren't devoid of meaning. Somehow it had become something else for him too. But this morning, he didn't care if she was tired, he didn't care about the meaning of this contact between their skins, he couldn't let her sleep.

"Levy… eh Levy… open your eyes, look!"

She moaned and stirred slowly. She had very little memories, her mind was nothing but a confused mist of suffering and cold. She only knew she shouldn't have been so close to him. But he was so warm, he was the only thing that could warm her when her magic had become useless because she was too tired, when the vehicle heating wasn't enough anymore. By the way, she didn't even remember why she felt guilty to find herself against him.

However those details were quickly forgotten when she opened the eyelids. Before her eyes, away, far away, so far away the sky was tainted of red. Bloody red, but still red. It meant that over there, the sun was rising. There was a country, a place that knew the light she needed so much.

But then it was deception. After half an hour the light faded and she burst into tears. Unsure Gajeel took his chance and plunged a hand into her hair, caressing her tenderly as he remembered the way mothers were acting with their children.

"Don't cry." He murmured still sharply. "That was the sun I'm sure of it, tomorrow we'll see it better, and the day after maybe we'll walk in its light."

"I can't take it anymore…" She managed to chock weakly.

"We did it Levy, the worst is behind… it will get warmer now. Soon you won't be cold anymore."

She didn't seem to hear him, she had closed her eyes once again. He was sleepy too but it would be bad for her to stop here since they just plunged back in the total dark. She was sobbing again, and if she felt the machine stop it would be even worse.

Gajeel narrowed his eyes, the snow was falling thickly, he could see nothing but it didn't matter. Because there was nothing to see. The horizon was flat, entirely flat, indistinct due to the snowfall. There was no relief to create snowdrifts on the race of the wind. Yet his fingers were gripping the steering wheel, he feared that something else would happen. At the top of the mountain, inside Mara he feared nothing, but now they were nearly reaching their goal, fear was clawing at him. As he was watching the horizon nervously, he was constantly checking on Levy, fearing suddenly she stopped breathing. She'd fallen asleep, he didn't hear her anymore and the silence seemed quickly deafening.

But after all he had all the time to think. This fear was stupid after all. He found no arguments to feed this fear, all the facts were encouraging, they would soon leave this icy hell safely. The illness progression on his arm was decreasing, they had crossed the mountain as planned, and for now, Fairy Tail had no idea where they were. Their plan had worked as expected, the food and oil reserves were enough for them to travel again two more whole weeks. So what? What was he afraid of? Gajeel was rational, but his reflexion had built no barricade to block the emotions, he'd understood they were an important parameter to take into account in the events development.

By dint of thinking Gajeel realized what he feared was precisely that their plan was about to work. What would happen next? Levy was going to want to go back to Fairy Tail, she would move away from him and signal his presence somehow. He would have time to flee of course. He could disappear thanks to her, and begin a new life elsewhere, as he did so many times before. But the truth was it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to go back to the life he had before Jet and Droy died, he wanted to come back to Fairy Tail, he wanted Makarov to let him come back as a member and more importantly, he wanted to stay with Levy.

He watched her for a second, snuggled against his torso, his arms wrapped around her, she was blowing a white breath on his chest. For a second he imagined himself alone, alone in this cabin. It seemed crazy. Alone it would have been easier, objectively, Levy had been a burden, a thing he had to look after anytime. If he hadn't caught this disease, if Erza hadn't burst into their room that fateful day, he never would have had the idea to bring her with him. Worse, it would have seemed suicidal. He had never felt superior to her, but in this kind of situations, in a place like Mara, her strengths became useless, and her weaknesses a weigh. Technically, she was fitting in those old libraries, translating ancient languages, not with him.

But it was precisely that that scared him. Now that she was here, he didn't want her to be anywhere else. He was starting to believe that Levy really cared about him, the trial she was currently suffering was an irrefutable proof. After all Juvia hadn't tried to help him. She knew him enough to think he certainly had betrayed the Guild. Levy thought there was something to save in him despite everything, she'd always trusted him. And now, he needed her more than anything, or else he'd stop to trust himself, and the illness would eat him slowly.

Suddenly Gajeel realized he had built his own trap. He never realized how much he needed her, and the way he had chosen to follow leaded him to their separation. At the end of the way where he had brought Levy, there was no hope. He should have left alone that day. Let Levy and Erza and run away alone. Now he was trapped.

Once again, he glanced at her sleeping form. She looked so peaceful all of a sudden. The fear disappeared as soon as he realized she was the cause. Because the solution of the problem was simple. He simply wouldn't let her go. There was only one possible option. She would become his hostage again. He already felt guilty in anticipation as he watched her sleeping, reassured. She wasn't about to see the end of the pain he would inflicted on her. He promised to himself he'd try not to hurt her. It might be selfish and monstrous, but it was the only way possible. Keeping her with him forcefully. It was this or dying alone. She'd forgiven him when he'd hurt her, when he'd kidnapped her and when he'd taken her in the middle of nowhere. So there was a chance that she'd forgive this too. He had to try. It was the only chance he had.

X_x

…Holy crap! O_o

Please review and tell your feelings, impressions and critics if you want to read the next one (because I've taken the next chapters in hostage! Gihi!). Love you all! *0*