14.
There is this thing, that when you share a experience with someone, you bond faster. This is exactly how it went with me and Haymitch. We made it a thing, going to the others house when having trouble sleeping or having a nightmare, which was almost every night. That sort of creates a connection. The cold has set in, so I'm huddled in a warm and big coat. I let out a agitated huff. Everything seems so small on me since my belly has taken slightly gigantic proportions. I go outside, planning on visiting Jack. He finally has a day off of the mines.
I just make it to the house when snow starts falling. ''Jack,'' I chirp happily as he embraces me tightly. ''Lims! I missed you!'' I laugh when he lets me go and carefully pats my bump. ''How are you hanging?'' he asks concerned. I shrug and give him a halfhearted smile. ''Doing fine Jack, really, living the victor's life.'' I can see he knows I'm lying, but he doesn't go on about it. Instead we talk about the upcoming Victory Tour. ''Excited?'' he asks.
I shake my head. ''Absolutely not. Wish I could just leave it all behind me, you know..'' I take a shuddery breath and massage my temples. Jack starts to massage my shoulders. ''You'll be all right, and besides, you have your mentor to pull you through.'' A little smile breaks through. Yes, I have Haymitch at all times by my side, luckily. Suddenly my brother sits opposite of me, looking at me with a strange expression. ''What?'' I ask. He takes his tame before talking. ''You and your mentor.. You spend a lot of time together.. Are you two..?'' I shoot straight up and laugh, shaking my head. ''No. NO! Idiot, we just pull each other through. And besides, I'm still mourning Hadrian,'' I say shrugging, feeling the little pang in my heart as I speak his name out loud. His eyebrows raise in question at the name, and I quickly wave it away. ''Baby's father,'' I mutter. He nods and frowns again. I slam my hands on the table and stand up. ''I remember I still need to ready a few things before I leave in two days. I'll see you after,'' I say, giving him a kiss on the cheek. ''Be careful!'' he shouts after me. A grimace creeps on my face. Good thing to tell a victor. I knock hard on Haymitch's door. It takes a while for him to open it, but I immediately know something is going on. He still can't handle it. The liquor is lingering on his breath and a track of spit crawls down his chin. I slam the door shot in his face and walk back to my house. I fall back on my bed, and crush my eyes with my hands, until little figures start dancing before my eyes. This is hopeless. My life is hopeless. My baby is hopeless. I winch when I can feel it moving in me, kicking. It frightens me every time. I stay still until it stops. Then I slowly drift off to sleep, hoping tomorrow will be better. But it won't. Tomorrow will never be better. My life will be a spiral of misery. I wake up to the faces of my prep team, looking shocked at my big belly. Apparently I mistook in one day. They quickly take out my dresses. They put a big long dress and big coat on my since it's nearly freezing outside. They leave my hair, which has grown fairly now, hanging down and silk it down. They apply little make up. Then we get hurried to the train, where Suzette waits for me. Together with a drunk Haymitch.
''We're on a tight schedule, tomorrow we'll arrive in District 11 where it will be much warmer, so you'll get to wear light clothing,'' Suzette says happily, patting on my baby bump. I nod stiffly as I sit there, looking out the window, absently nibbling on a biscuit. Many landscaped go buy, but I don't pay attention. I'm thinking about how I'll safe the Districts whom I killed the children from. It hasn't even started yet, and it already is unbearable. Haymitch comes along, trying to talk to me, but I ignore him. I really needed him to be with me, stay with me. To stay sober for me. But clearly, that was too much to hope for. When he keeps on pushing me, the bomb explodes inside of me and a fire ignites. I jump up and corner him. ''Shut your mouth you drunk idiot!'' I hiss at him. ''You really believe I'm going to listen to you when your blood nearly only exists of alcohol? Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?'' I now yell. ''I need you Haymitch, now more than ever! And all you do is drink your miserable life away!'' I shout at him, feeling completely furious. First, his expression is surprised. Then he becomes angry too. ''You think I don't try to help you?!'' He yells back at me. ''Without me you wouldn't even be here!'' he screams. This really pisses me off. ''YOU THINK I NEEDED YOU?" I scream at the top of my lungs. ''YES!'' he yells back. I'm so angry. So furious. I grab a plate and throw it against the wall out of frustration. ''NO!'' I yell back. ''I could've done it without you, Haymitch! I could! I made my own bow and weapons, you only made them more Capitol like,'' I spit at him. His expression speaks of pure hurt and anger. ''Well, fine then, do it on your own,'' he hisses at me, before walking away and slamming the door shut behind him. ''Oh, that is okay, I have done that for my whole life!'' I yell after him. Not long after that I hear glass shatter. I stomp back to my own compartment and sink down on my bed. I feel exhausted, and I bury my face in my pillow to conceal the sobbing. ''I h-hate you,'' I cry into my cushion. I let the train rock me into sleep, while thinking of home. And Hadrian. And how much I despite everyone and everything at the moment.