Home thoughts from abroad. Or abroad thoughts from Home. Or something.
Chapter fourteen: On Another Border.
Being a series of letters and postcards to Ankh-Morpork from two recent school-leavers on a gap year touring the Howondalandian continent.
Carrying on the story, more or less, from the Discworld Tarot short "The Princess of Wands". In which two "Princesses" of the correct airy/fiery disposition go travelling. There will be descriptions of Discworld nations and peoples here which in the best Pratchett tradition will be taken Up Past Eleven and which may have odd echoes of places on Earth. I leave it to my readers to make up their own minds as to which parts of the general African region may or may not be getting the treatment here.
Mariella and Rivka say farewell to Seventy-One Ahmed. They encounter D'Regs and shortly afterwards meet those tasked with defending the Klatchian border. But we begin with a brief glimpse or two of events in or nearer to Ankh-Morpork…
for the reader who asked how it all worked out for Glod the Dwarf. He got visited by Science...
Now read on…
Prologue: Lancre Town.
The elderly witch threw back her head and roared with laughter. Bekki Smith-Rhodes-Stibbons made a happy glugging noise and snuggled close to her new Nanny. She had run straight away to the small but wide old lady who had beamed with delight and held her arms out in welcome. Bekki was not one to turn down a new Nanny when one was offered. And anyway, this Nanny knew Daddy and treated him with a sort of friendly amusement, as if she found him funny. Bekki settled down to watch and listen.
"So you're here to see this Dwarf up in Slice." she said. "And your missus said she knows it really excites you, Ponder, and you want to hop on that train to Hot Dang right away. Well, she says, take Bekki with you… and aren't you a lovely little kiddie? I got a sweetie here for a good little girl… and do what she calls father-daughter bonding. Give her a couple of days holiday as a treat, and don't forget you're not on your own and don't leave her anywhere. I'm thinkin' she'd have got emphatic about that one?"
Ponder Stibbons nodded. He'd met Nanny Ogg for the first time, many years before. It was just possible that those memories would fade, given time. (1)
Nanny Ogg beamed.
"You was sort of courtin' young Lucy Tockley then, as I recall. All holding hands and awkward silences and red faces. I sort of thought, well, he'll get the hang of it sometime. Bound to. Most young people figures it out. And then I sees you got wed to Johanna. Nice girl, bit direct. Don't do small-talk. Has to be big talk or nothing. You know, when I go to the city I tends to see people like Madam Emmanuelle. Doesn't stand much on ceremony, that one, and she knows some stories! We got a lot in common, even allowing for her bein' an Assassin, and me a Witch. Thinks she'll grow older into somebody like me, only Quirmian. Oh, we has a laugh, me and her. Learned loads of interstin' Quirmian words. Now she was worried about whether or not Johanna could work out what you might call the specifics, she havin' known her since they was both students. And I thought with you bein' a wizard, we weren't quite sure either way."
She smiled down at Bekki, who was looking up with big-eyed interest.
"And it turns out you got the specifics right. Twice. Aaaah, isn't she sweet!"
"So, you think we can get a lift up to Slice in the morning?" Ponder asked. He was keen to talk to the Dwarf Glod Glodssecondcousin, who had recently had an Experience. Ponder thought, with excitement, that this could really contribute to the infant science of geothermic hydrostasis (2) on the Disc, and offer another little pointer to what was really going on. He just had to combine that with being a working father.
And the account of a strange event that his sister-in-law had sent back from Klatch was something that really fired his interest. Johanna had smiled tolerantly and said fine, I understand you need to go up there. But you can be a hands-on father, and take Bekki.
She hadn't added that there might be another reason to take Bekki to Lancre. And introduce her to some people. Who will understand.
Nanny Ogg nodded, happily.
"I tell you, Ponder. Whatever happened in Slice to send that little bu… that Dwarf… to Klatch, it weren't witches. Nothing to do with us. Though I concede Esme, godsresthersoul, was capable of some novel things when she got riled. And young Millie Hopgood ain't that sort of witch. Interestin' though. Nobody knows for sure what's at the bottom of that hole. Till now, nobody's ever been down far enough. Saving this Dwarf."
"So you've heard the story?" Ponder asked, politely. Senior wizards had a sort of professional understanding with the Disc's most respected and senior witches. It spared the alternative.
"From the Dwarf himself." Nanny said. "Young Irena flew in from forn parts to see our Jason at the forge to get her horse shod. Allus one for flyin', young Irena. And our Jason is the only smith as can shoe that sort of horse. So while he's doin' the horse, Irena stops by out of courtesy, the Dwarf comes with her 'cos he's hopin' for somebody goin' over Slice way in a cart as can give him a lift, and Irena's thinkin' as how I know somebody who might, and we has a cup of tea and we talks, witch to witch, and Glod tells his story, and I'm thinkin', well, could be magic, can't rule it out. But what if it ain't?"
She took another swig of her pint.
"'Sides, that Dwarf had sand on him. You don't get it round here."
There was a reflective silence.
"Hear your sister-in-law's stirrin' things in Klatch? Runs in the family."
Ponder sighed. He'd been a witness to the long metamorphosis of Mariella Smith-Rhodes from a shy, gawky, eleven-year-old into an assured and observant graduate Assassin, with a deadpan snarky sense of humour, and a way of looking at you that left the uneasy impression she'd just been identifying and meticulously listing your weak points, for attention at an unspecified later date. And her best friend Rivka was exactly the same, only worse.
"And she was there when this Dwarf popped up in an oasisis, gaspin' for breath. Apparently some camels was lookin' at him funny. If I was you, Ponder, I'd ask about the camels. Strange things happen around them animals."
Nanny Ogg smiled benevolently at Bekki.
"And if I was you, Ponder, I'd leave this little babby girl with her Nanny Ogg tomorrow. You don't want her fallin' into no holes. I'm bettin' Johanna wouldn't like it, and 'sides, there's no tellin' where on Disc she'll pop up. Might not be water down there next time, either. I'm not holding my breath it'll be anywhere her auntie could rescue her, either. And I'm just bettin' this little girl's adventurous and inquisitive."
She looked Ponder Stibbons right in the eye.
"Gives me a chance to get to know Bekki a little bit better. Get introduced. 'Cos if what I see in her is right, this won't be her last visit to Lancre. Not by a long way. You did right to bring her with you."
Nanny billed and cooed some more over Bekki.
"She got potential!" she announced.
"Yes. I was worried it would come to that." Ponder said, gloomily.
Extracts From The Minutes of a Meeting of the Dark Council of the Guild of Assassins.
Minutes taken by Miss Hortensia Wilmslowe, Personal Assistant to the Dark Council.
Classification: extremely restricted.
Members Present: as previously. (3)
DD remarked that indirectly, it was a prestigious thing for the Guild that a newly-discovered animal, long rumoured to exist and often reported in folklore - but until now, with no hard scientific evidence to validate it - should have been named after the Guild member who succeeded in collecting a specimen, Lagomorphus Cuniculus Monoceros M Smith Rhodesii.
RdM observed that the Smith-Rhodes family appear to have had an awfully large lot of Howondaland named after them, so adding a lethally violent killer rabbit with a spike on its nose wasn't really too surprising, and might in some degree be wryly appropriate.
GN asked, she doesn't intend to breed from them, does she?
RdM replied that this hardly seemed possible as the Pegasus pilot who returned to the City brought one very dead specimen with her that had been run through the body with a pointed sharp weapon, possibly a lance or spear, together with several pelts and skulls bearing the distinctive and somewhat un-leporine horn. Doctor Smith-Rhodes realised the value of the find and got it to the Animal Management Unit for preservation and study.
JSR2 said she'd heard the stories about unicorn rabbits. Klatchian myths think they're some sort of Undead, aren't they? Please assure me we've not missed anything here.
CdY said that he was certain all precautions had been taken, especially after that business a few years ago with the leopards.(4) And his understanding was that those Klatchians who had survived attacks by this pack animal had been moved to take a perfectly normal lethally murderous animal with nothing supernatural about it, and to assign it a magical or Undead status it did not in fact have. He imagined that being beaten in a fight by a rabbit has got to be bloody embarrassing, so you inflate the adversary a bit. You know, talk it up. Tales grow in the telling, and all that.
MH mused that those rabbits are, by all accounts, what's the new-fangled word, dynamite. The preferred option, in even Klatchian literature on the topic, is "run away".
CdY remarked that the people involved appeared to have done damned well, considering. And submitted a useful report. A useful account to add to the Klatchian Desert Survival section of the Dark Library.
DD said we are all straying from the topic here. Are we agreed that the action taken and the proposed resolution of the Lensen situation is both elegant and timely? And offers us a face-saving solution we can privately brief the Howondalandian Ambassador with, so as to avert bad publicity and a possible international incident?
LT'M said that buying the boy, though. Then getting him to a safe house. That is admirably skewed thinking. I do agree with our operatives, when they pointed out that breaking into the slave compound and freeing him by force could be viewed as theft under Klatchian law, which is applicable here. And therefore raises demarcation issues with the Guild of Thieves, a situation all our members are instructed to avoid.
GN asked if Klatch even has a Guild of Thieves.
XP said he understood that Klatch has thieves, yes. Who traditionally come in loose associations of forty members, which he understands is traditional and cultural. These form a loose Guild-like association, but do not have the same official sanction as is enjoyed here. Indeed, not-very-good thieves in Klatch are distinguished by the fact their arms end abruptly at the wrist. Really bad Thieves find their arms will end abruptly at both wrists. Any thief who is creatively inventive enough in those circumstances to attempt theft again will discover that after two strong hints, their bodies will abruptly end at the neck. The Klatchians do rather believe in the "three-strikes-and-you're-dead" approach to crime and punishment.
Older members of the Council voiced a degree of approval at the robust Klatchian approach to law-and-order.
AB remarked, let me get this straight. There is a student of Rimwards Howondalandian nationality. Waylaid in Klatch by slave-traders who then sold him on the block. He is bought by a Klatchian graduate of this Guild. Making him, seemingly, her slave. Which is perfectly legal under Klatchian law. However, the money to purchase him was advanced by a Guild graduate also from Rimwards Howondaland. Where outright slavery, as opposed to everyday apartheid, is totally illegal. Who has graciously loaned her property to the Klatchian graduate, who is to provide opportunities for him to escape and thus fulfil his exam conditions. If he recognises them. The said Klatchian graduate has said she will not pursue him too vigorously if and when he makes his break. But the issue is, has Miss Smith-Rhodes committed an actionable crime under the laws of her own country? Even though this was legal under the local jurisdiction? And are we accessories after the fact, as a legal and corporate entity? Which is headquartered in a third jurisdiction?
DD said that to resolve that one, you'd need to retain the services of a lawyer skilled in the subtleties of international law. At possibly $200 per hour for a prolonged period. So let's not go there, shall we, Alice? Besides, my information is that the Rimwards Howondalandian Ambassador is somewhat relieved, and is inclined to use his influence to smooth over any little irregularities. I believe he is quite fond of his nieces, which simplifies things somewhat. And as has been noted, the wider Smith-Rhodes family is not without influence. And, if necessary, lawyers.
JSR1 reminded the Council that Miss Smith-Rhodes has advanced four thousand dollars of her own money to resolve the situation. Granted, the girl can afford it. And I don't see her as having any other choice here. But it does rather wipe out her completion fee. Can she not claim it as valid expenses?
HW intervened to advise about the strained state of Guild finances.
JSR1 and AB both remarked that you always say that. HW said that it is his job to say that.
DD said that there is possibly a valid case here, if Miss Smith-Rhodes can supply genuine original receipts. Klatchian slave markets must give receipts?
It was agreed that on production of receipts, the legitimate expenses of Miss Smith-Rhodes, incurred on a Guild contract, could be paid. It was also agreed that as Mr Lensen's own negligence may well have contributed to his detention, and incurred the not inconsiderable costs of a mission to intervene and rescue him, the four thousand dollars it took to get him out could, justifiably, be invoiced to him. Prompt payment would be appreciated. And now, DD said, we need to discuss other issues of professional ethics that have arisen. Thoughts on the activities of the Sultana Miriam bint-Alhazred, please?
AB said that the Sultana had in her way been an above-average pupil and one she had been pleased to keep in touch with after her return to Klatch. They had frequently exchanged letters in which Miriam had thoughtfully kept her old Housemistress up to date with her new situation, and AB had been diligent in providing ongoing mentoral assistance and guidance. It could not be denied that she had served the Guild faithfully in the recent situation. Besides, the sad demise of her husband had been a legitimate Guild contract.
LT'M agreed that in her specific disciplines, the Sultana had been an outstanding pupil and a pleasure to teach. JSR1 echoed this, as did HM, who said that he very rarely considers a pupil to be above-average and is not in the habit of giving undue praise.
DD agreed, and said that the unfortunate and unexpected demises of her three co-wives could safely be regarded as due to a conjunction of unhappy accidents and misfortunes. Any suspicion of freelance inhumation, theft, and assassination carried out privately, merely to advance one's social standing, could be dismissed as hearsay and libel. He proposed the Ethics and Standards Committee should close the book on that one.
B, as Chair of the Ethics and Standards Committee, agreed. He then raised the issue of the Sultana's gift to Doctor Smith-Rhodes to celebrate the arrival of her daughters. Doctor Smith-Rhodes had received a box containing miscellaneous articles of jewellery, described for Customs purposes as "trinkets of sentimental value suitable to delight young girls, as pretty sparkling things will."
Doctor Smith-Rhodes had then had those trinkets, and sparkly items of costume jewellery, valued. They turned out to be worth $37,775 and fifty-seven pence.
CN'E questioned the fifty-seven pence.
B explained that one ring, on examination, turned out to have a spircle in it, valued at fifty-seven pence, so it is possible that somewhere in the past somebody had been swindled. But the rest is composed of the finest Klatchian craftsmanship, gold, silver, platinum, diamonds, rubies, sapphires, et c. Doctor Smith-Rhodes was properly concerned about these having previously belonged to the Sultana's co-wives, now deceased. She has asked for a ruling as to whether or not these constitute the proceeds of theft following an unauthorised inhumation. Just to clear herself.
DD said that we have established that the Sultana's co-wives died in a series of regrettable little accidents and misadventures. The Sultana inherited their property legitimately under Klatchian probate law, and is at perfect liberty to dispose of it however she wishes. Doctor Smith-Rhodes was correct to bring a possible ethical issue to our attention, but we can reassure her that no Guild rules have been breached, there is no possibility of complaint from any authority including the Guild of Thieves, and the items legitimately belong to her daughters, as their benefactress so intended. I move we thank her for her probity and diligence, and we hope her daughters continue to get great joy and delight from playing with the sparkly pretty things.
This was agreed nem con, with informal agreement of "some people are born lucky!" and "wish my old students remembered their teachers that way!"
With no other business, the meeting rose.
From the journal of miss Rivka ben- Devorah (Black Widow House) Licenced Assassin. A traveller in Klatch.
Hi Johanna!
Hoping you got the strange rabbit and you were able to put it on ice. Mariella wonders if the girls will enjoy playing dress-up as Klatchian Princesses with the necklaces and rings and bracelets and stuff. She also remembers Ponder has a pretty good thaumatologically locked and protected safe in his study. You may need it.
Well, we got through the worst of the desert. Seventy-One Hours Ahmed parted from us after nearly three days were up, apologised for not being able to stay longer, and pointed us to a gap between two mountains. This is clearly visible in the near distance and marks a pass into Ymitury. He advised us there are two Foreign Legion forts in the area that send out occasional patrols, but these should be easy to evade. Just an understrength garrison on a quiet border with no obvious enemy on the other side. Then he took the loaned pack-camel and rode off back to Miriam. We watched him go, and then set off for the pass on our own.
The ground was getting higher and it was still largely sand and rocks, but the trail was clear. We rode up into the higher ground for a day or two. It was also getting cooler, relatively speaking, than the deep desert and there were even waterholes close to the trail. We thought nobody else was around. We were wrong.
On the second night, we had established camp when a fight broke out. Not around us, but near enough. We laid low and tried to get an idea as to what was going on. It appeared to be two rival tribes, or clans, settling a disagreement of their own that did not concern us. We were happy to let this state of affairs continue and were relieved as the sounds of battle receded away.
Then we discovered men who had found our camp.
One of them grinned at us and invited us to pass over our camels, valuables and other useful things into new ownership.
We drew our swords and said "no." Only one of them, in the dark, appeared to have a crossbow ready to fire. But the dark is useful to both sides in a fight. Mariella said
"Do you see this sword in my right hand?" and waved her machete.
"What of it, strange person from Ur?" the archer said, and raised his weapon.
Mariella shot him.
"Good. You should have been watching the pistol crossbow in my left hand." she said.
I do appreciate the Smith-Rhodes family and their direct approach to problem-solving.
"But your crossbow now needs reloading, little lady." said another bandit. He reached for an arrow for his bow and grinned mockingly at her. This time I shot him.
"Mine didn't." I said. "Next, please?"
Men who gloat rather than fight are so easy.
A third archer stood forward.
"But your bow is now unloaded." he said.
"Guess again." I said. Over and under crossbows may take more maintenance, but so useful when somebody thinks you've shot your only bolt.
A fourth man was nocking an arrow, Mariella had dropped her crossbow. She now had the shepherd's sling she'd learnt and practiced with in Cenotia. He went down with a grunt as the rock hit.
The fifth and sixth looked at each other and raised their hands.
"Can't we rob you a little bit?" they pleaded. "It looks bad if you go back to the camp and say you got stitched up, offendi!"
"No." I said. "You can help your mates away, though. I don't think any of them were actually killed. No contract on you, for one thing."
They looked at each other.
"Only the Hashishim arm and train women…" one said.
"Hold that thought." I said.
One looked at me speculatively.
"How many camels would your father accept for your bride-price, fair warrior?" he asked. "I think I can go as high as forty…"
"Not a chance." I said. I looked at Mariella. She didn't speak Klatchian.
"What about my friend?"
He shook his head.
"If I was looking, and I'm not, a wild red-haired woman from Candwa al-sher Alahmir? Too unruly. Bad tempered. Not what you want in a wife. Got to be properly submissive, wives. Three. Tops."
I did not translate this.
We had only wounded three men and knocked a fourth unconscious. But three men with arrows in their arms can walk and two unhurt men can carry an unconscious one. They seemed keen to leave.
We considered our options. They'd gathered we were "hashishim", of sorts, and we hadn't denied it. That was good. News would spread. But it meant we had to get out of there quickly. Somebody was bound to join the dots and realise there was a price on our heads.
We swiftly packed the camels and got on the road again. The pass into the next country was getting closer and closer. We took a chance on a defile with high banks on either side as the dawn was breaking. Then we heard a voice shout
"Errr. Halt!"
We looked up. Soldiers dressed in Central Continent style, with buff-coloured trousers and blue tunics with white cross-straps. They wore kepis in the Quirmian style.
And twenty or so were pointing crossbows at us. We halted.
"Why is hardly anyone ever pleased to see us?" Mariella said.
Several soldiers came down to meet us. They wore stripes of rank in the Quirmian manner.
"They look like D'Reg, sarge." one said. "But they're, err, thing, remember it in a minute…"
"Women." The sergeant said. "I think. My mother was one. Possibly."
We smiled.
"Could we kindly be allowed to go on our way, please?" I said, sweetly.
"We're just two travellers. On holiday." Mariella said.
The sergeant shook his head.
"We're the nearest thing to a customs post, miss. If you're planning on travelling into Ymitury, you'd best come to the, er, thing, big box. Made of stone. Got a gate. Yeah. Fort. That's it. Tall things at the corners. Towers."
"Got to see the Colonel, Miss. Miss." said the corporal. "He'll decide if you're allowed to pass."
We rode with them. After all, it shouldn't be too difficult to break out of a Klatchian Foreign Legion fort. They'd probably forget we were ever there, five minutes later.
to be continued. It's two in the morning and i'm running out of awake. The next chapter will inolve meeting the Colonel and leaving Klatch behind. I have a twist planned.
(1) see Lords and Ladies, by Terry Pratchett.
(2) What water does when given the right sort of prompts and nudges. Why rivers keep flowing into seas and never get empty. And if you live on a flat disc, where it goes to when it slops off the edge and why the Disc never runs out of water. If you can fall down a deep hole in Lancre, hit water, and pop up three thousand miles away in Klatch, this is going to interest the right sort of mind,
(3) Refer to Chapter Seven.
(4) Refer to my tale Whys and Weres
Notes Dump:
Random out-of-sequence ideas and possibly cryptic explanations of references in the text. Somewhere in the text but not necessarily here.
Urusai! – Japanese for "Shut Up!" (Agatean character name?) From a tv tropes page on manga/animé cartoons.