CHAPTER ELEVEN

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting

― J.M. Barrie

Dear the girl with forests in her eyes,
I know I said that I would understand if you hated me for leaving you, but I still haven't received a letter from you and, to be honest, the silence is becoming unbearable. We used to see each other every day, and now that we can't do that, I find myself missing you more than ever. I remember at one point the hardest thing I ever had to do was last a day without seeing you because your mother was home and you needed to take care of her, I now realise that I was just being naive. The past two weeks have made that very clear.
The worst of war has reached England and I've been grouped up with some other soldiers that aren't all that bad. They're loud, but that mostly comes from the positive outlook they bear which I've found is actually quite required. We mostly concentrate on keeping the general public safe and training, but I know they're preparing us for a future mission, and though I know I should be concentrating on that, my mind keeps fixating on other things. It's like I have no control over it. I just keep getting very sad.
I know what you're thinking, me and sad aren't things that really go together. I've always been able to keep myself happy, but I suppose I'd always had you and Steve to keep me from falling over this rocky cliff whenever I got too close. Steve has sent me a letter but it seems he is preoccupied with something else. I'd ask you to go investigate for me but I know I have no right to ask anything of you right now.
The training is hard, I had thought because of my upbringing that I'd be prepared for the trials of being a soldier, again I was strong, another thing to add to all my things that I've been wrong about, which includes not telling you I'd be leaving sooner rather than later. I just really didn't want to see you sad. That didn't work out for either of us.
Anyway, I have to leave for another session of training so I shall end this letter with these words: I miss you Addy, so much.
Love from, a grown man still able to make really dumb and childish mistakes

To the girl with wild hair,
It has only been one day since I sent the last letter, I know that doesn't leave you with much room to reply but I realised how depressing the last letter I wrote had been and I wanted to fix that.
It really isn't all that bad here, in between our small missions and lengthy training sessions we are given some time to ourselves to relax and be entertained. There's a lot to do here in London and one of the other soldiers here with me, goes by the nickname Dum Dum Dugan (don't ask), has spent a lot of time in the city previously so he was able to show the team some good hang out spots.
The other day he took us to a park that I know you would have actually adored, it was so green, so untouched by the harshness of war. Is it weird that all I could think about was that your rooftop is better? It just goes to show how spectacular your green thumb is. Anyway, we ventured deep into the woodland part of this park, carrying as much beer as we could and then we found the perfect spot to just sit and talk. It was strange but also pleasant, bonding with all these men that one day I'd have to entrust with my life and vice versa. War is crazy, it makes you go crazy, it makes you think there's a bomb around every corner. That was the first time I actually felt like a normal kid from Brooklyn since my last night with you.
I got this strange epiphany that they weren't just soldiers, like me, they are humans with lives, with a past, present and future. I guess that epiphany is the closest I'll ever be able to get to experiencing your powers, huh?
We talked about a lot of things, our dreams and aspirations before the war, why we joined the army. Eventually, the conversation turned to the women we had waiting for us at home, and I couldn't help but talk about you. I literally wouldn't shut up about you, and no, it wasn't because of the ten pints of beer I'd had beforehand. Eventually I got to telling them about the red string, explaining the soulmate theory and it gave them all a good laugh but I really don't care.
You are my soulmate, as far as I'm concerned.
It also made them ask a lot of questions. They asked if you agreed, I said that I wasn't sure after our last moments together. Another soldier said something I found quite insightful after that. He said rather simply that soulmates don't get a choice, I hope that all the time we've had together proves that I'm important enough to you that you'll overlook my mistakes.
The night ended merrily enough, all those times I'd taken care of Steve preparing me for all the drunken soldiers and, somehow, I managed to get them back to the camp. We got some angry words from the Colonel but it was worth it.
Morning arrived and whilst the rest of them slept I thought of only you, deciding that even if you haven't forgiven me, I'll fight for you, the same way I've fought for our relationship over the past four years.
The following day was pretty difficult for me as I had to cope without any sleep, it was even harder for all the soldiers suffering hangovers.
It's been over a week now but they still keep making jokes about me and you, I don't mind so much, I actually quite enjoy it. I think I've made some real friends here.
I hope you're doing well too. I'll end this letter the same way I did the last letter because those feelings still stand and they will until you finally respond: I miss you, Addy, so much.
Love from, your soulmate, for better and for worse.

To the insufferably gorgeous strawberry blonde,
Another week has passed and I still haven't received a letter from you, I'm officially worried. I'm doing my best to not mollycoddle you but everyone has their limits and I think I've reached mine.
Are you okay? Have you had any more issues with your plumbing? Is Gladys treating you any better? Have you taken more plants up to the rooftop? They really are a hazard in your apartment. Has anyone been bothering you at the bar? I had a word with Alice before I left and she agreed to protect you whilst I'm not around.
As I'm writing this, everyone else is asleep but I've been struggling for the past few nights. That's not me trying to pass the blame onto you or anything like that, please don't misunderstand what I just wrote, I've already thrown away ten other versions of this letter and I can't do it again because this is the last piece of paper I have.
What I'm trying to say is, despite being able to see all the constellations that New York keeps hidden, I hate it. I'd rather see you. It always feels like a sunny summers day when I'm around you, the coldness brought by the moon completely forgotten because I'm so sure that I'll never lose your heat. It's all I want to see right now. You and your smile.
I'll be setting off on my first real mission in one month, we'll be going against a division of the Nazi's called Hydra (though I don't think I'm supposed to tell you that so shush), and all I can think about is seeing you again, just one last time. But I know I can't, so I'll happily accept reading a letter from you, even if it's just one word, a pointless one, like 'phantasmagorical' or something. And yes, that is the biggest word I know.
Just give me something, I'm losing my mind not being able to talk to you. I know I'll always have these letters, and I hope you know that I'll always send them, for as long as I possibly can.
Have I mentioned yet that I miss you? I'm not sure if I'd made that clear enough yet.
Dugan just told me that I should go to bed, but I don't want to end this letter when it's the last connection I'm going to have with you for a while. It's so cold without you here. And by 'it', I mean the world and my skin and my heart and my thoughts. I think I'll be fine if I end up getting tortured because this silence between us is the best training I've ever had for that situation.
Okay, Dugan just threatened me so I suppose I should finish this up before he follows through with his promise. He's like me in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to keeping his promises.
Again, I miss you, so goddamn much.
Love from, a very bad soldier

To the persistent soldier with a heart of gold,
Phantasmagorical.
Adoration from the sad girl who still cares about you greatly.

Addy had dropped the letter off three days before her shift at Rendez-vous, foolishly believing that the fourty-eight hours would be enough to ferment in her self-destructive thoughts, to the point where she'd return to work as the same quiet girl she was, unaffected by James' actions and the empty space he'd left behind.

Her assumption had been very wrong.

Gladys had taken up the mantel as Addy didn't do as much work as she usually did, spending most of her time performing absent-minded tasks. Normally Gladys would have had many issues with such a thing and have completely no issue with making a big deal about it, but Alice had immediately dragged the theatrical waitress to the side and ordered her to leave the strawberry blonde alone.

"So after he told me 'you can't do that, go get your boss', I responded by saying calmly 'I hate to disappoint you even more with your service today, but I am actually the owner of this establishment' and holy cow Addy, you should have seen his face," Alice laughed out loud, boisterous, throwing her head back and releasing a powerful chortle that turned everyone's head. Everyone's but Addy's, who was staring emptily at the counter, rubbing the same spot with a cloth that she'd been cleaning for the past ten minutes, her mind lost in England with a certain brunet haired soldier. "I mean, there he is, in this suit with a briefcase, a proper business man, a high-class bastard and he was just blown away by the fact that I was the owner. He looked as pathetic as a goldfish. So anyway, after he picked his jaw up off the floor, he accused me of lying. Can you believe that? I mean I guess everyone could believe that actually, look at the world we're living in, all our men out there fighting in the war whilst we're given all the 'delicate' jobs." Alice went off on a tangent from there, one she'd believed Addy would actually be a fan of as they'd conversed on the matter before.

The bar owner never used to talk that much, but ever since Bucky left she'd felt obligated to do so. Addy was sad, every shift, every day, every hour, she was sad.

Alice understood that what had happened to her wasn't something a person could easily ignore, it wasn't like her mother had gone off again or the upstairs neighbours cat had gotten into her apartment and broken some of her plant pots, no, Addy's best friend had left to a place where there was no promise of him ever returning. The strawberry blonde used to spend every day with the man, and the empty space he'd left behind was noticeable to everyone. It was almost like seeing Addy without her head whenever they saw that Bucky wasn't stuck to her side.

So, Alice had given herself the duty of trying to distract her, trying to be Addy's new Bucky. She'd had a conversation with Bucky before he'd left, the soldier deciding she was the best person to rely on when it came to protecting Addy, not just at the bar, but in her everyday life. Alice had immediately told him that there was no need for him to ask, but she did understand why he had. Addy was a priority for the both of them, someone neither of them wanted to see any harm come to.

It had been difficult, Addy becoming even more closed off than she had been before Bucky's 21st birthday, sharing words only when required and leaving her apartment only for work. The biggest issue was that Alice didn't know how to inspire self-belief in her the way that Bucky had always done. Their entire relationship Alice was aware of Addy's wariness towards her and she'd eventually concluded that it came down to the fact that Alice had once been friends with Addy's mother. Despite the friendship ending once Alice realised who Addy's mother really was, it still had the strawberry blonde nervous around her.

"Oh, hey Steve!" Alice spoke loudly, half because she wanted to break Addy out of whatever reverie she'd gotten stuck in, and half because joy had bubbled up inside of her, Addy actually came out of her shell when Steve was near. "Do you want a coffee or something stronger tonight?"

"I'll- I'll just have a water." His words and how he pronounced them immediately had Alice becoming nervous, her emotions matching up with the ones Steve was displaying. He repeatedly glanced over towards Addy before scattering his glances somewhere else, making it very clear (to Alice at least) that he was having anxieties about talking to the strawberry blonde. Alice decided it would be for the best if she didn't put any more pressure on the small man with her presence, going to retrieve his glass of water and taking her time with the task, making sure that she wasn't too far away so step in if things became too much for Addy. The bar owner didn't even have powers but she could still easily sense that Steve had something to say that he believed Addy wouldn't like.

As expected, Addy had immediately perked up at his presence, it was familiar and familiar was exactly what she needed.

After almost a lifetime, Steve had little bits of Bucky in his soul that reminded her of the wonderfully overwhelming sensations Bucky's presence had once upon a time swooned her heart with. And like any addict, even the littlest bit was enough to ease the shakes and the blazing thoughts, just for a moment. She was gifted with refreshing clarity, able to see between the visions and the emotions, able to place herself in a room and identify what people were in it. She was able to feel her own body again.

Alice dropped off a glass of water, quickly scampering away to the other side of the bar to serve Rendez-vous' favourite regular who remained in the bar, drinking alcohol 24/7, a fate neither Alice nor Addy could understand ever choosing.

Steve grabbed a hold of the glass and chugged it down, the same way their regular chugged down every drink put in front of him, even if it was just water or burning coffee meant to sober him up, his mind convincing him that it was supposed to be alcohol for him to drown his body in until the world around him was all gone and all that was left was a desperation to breathe again. It didn't seem Steve needed the alcohol like their resident alcoholic as noticeable sweat gleamed on his forehead and he repeatedly avoided her gaze, adam's apple bobbing as he tried to discard whatever spiders of anxiety had crawled their way up.

"Are you okay?" She questioned.

"Yeah, I, uh- I'm fine, yeah," his jittery response did nothing but push her suspicions further.

"Have you heard anything from James?" She wondered if that was the reason for his clear discomfort, if perhaps something had happened which the brunet soldier wasn't willing to disclose to her in his letters because his original intent was to clearly make her forgive him for leaving to the war.

"Yeah," Steve nodded, and Addy wished he could have felt the way her heart jumped around her chest as she related his answer with some unknown horrific event. "He's doing well, training a lot more for his first mission. He misses you, feels really bad about what happened, but you already know that."

Addy was soothed somewhat by his answer, though anxiety still throttled her skeleton because worrying about James Buchanan Barnes seemed to be all the strawberry blonde was capable of doing ever since she woke up that morning weeks ago, only to find that he'd gone to join the war. "And did you send him a letter back, like I told you to?"

After reading Bucky's first letter she'd immediately sought Steve out, demanding that he write their best friend another letter to soothe his spirit and brighten his mood, even going as far to show Steve the letter she'd received off of him so that she'd have further proof to back up her argument which had been thoroughly convincing. She'd even handed Steve a list of all the things he could say to provide comfort and reassurance to Bucky, something he'd gladly accepted as even on that day just under two weeks ago his mind had clearly been placed somewhere else. Luckily for him, Addy was suffering the exact same thing, her soul attached to James despite their bodies being quite far apart. They were soulmates, after all.

"Yeah," he answered, fingers tapping rhythmically against his empty water glass, "I won't be able to soon though, I'm about to get a lot busier."

"Whether you're busy or not, keep him in mind," she responded quickly, ignorant of his words as all she'd been able to think about was the effect the absence of his words would have had on her favourite soldier. Realising her haste, she added: "I… I don't want him to start feeling lonely."

Her reason was birthed from a guilt blossomed from each word in James' letters, every word a ray of sunlight that had called up her unwilling budding stem like a snake charmer would call up a dancing reptile. She hadn't been able to reply to him because of his departure which she'd been very hurt by. Though she'd never felt a knife in her body, she suspected it was similar to the way she'd felt after reading his goodbye letter. Her eyes hadn't felt dry since that day.

"Addy… I need to tell you something, something you're not going to like," Steve began, releasing the glass so that he could rub his clammy hands against the cream pants he wore.

Immediately horrendous events filled her mind, events she knew were possible thanks to the war that had struck their country. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't start sentences like that during times like these Steve Rogers," Addy had intervened, suspecting from what he'd previously said that there wasn't actually anything bad happening to her red string soulmate and that she was just jumping to conclusions. Or maybe that was just what she'd hoped, because, despite it being quite far fetched and fantastical, Addy believed that if something bad did happen to James that she'd be able to feel it. She imagined him dying would feel a lot like the pieces of stardust that matched the ones gracing her bloodstream had been wiped from existence, like half of the Earth was depleted from existence.

"Sorry, no, it's nothing that bad," Steve tried to revise his statement, understanding what she'd meant with her words. He cared about Bucky just as much, the brunet as much an intricate part of his existence as Bucky was hers. He opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, his thick bottom lip doing some sort of dance before it gave up, collapsing as his body deflated. "I don't really know how to say this," he admitted.

"If Bucky were here, I'm sure he'd say something along the lines of: with your words," she advised.

The both of them laughed shortly. It didn't last very long, the words somehow melancholy despite their joking statement because Bucky wasn't there, he was experiencing war in another country and neither of them were able to support him the way they had been through the most of his life.

"I've joined the army," he threw out the words, almost disregarding. He'd come to terms with them very quickly, finding joy in them, but he knew that wouldn't be a sentiment shared by the people around him who had wanted him to stay in New York for his own safety. He hadn't even been able to tell Bucky. But he knew he'd had to tell Addy, he knew that even though their friendship had barely even begun, after Bucky left she'd become attached to him, he knew he'd become her one reminder of the brunet who'd vanished from her life the way marvellous magicians would vanish from tricky boxes. He knew that at some point, he'd actually become quite important to her.

"What?!" Her astonishment was clear, not just by the words, but by the way she'd leant back, cloth abandoned, in the way her mouth had fallen open and - much to Steve's dismay - in the way her eyes had begun to water. "Steve, you can't, you can't leave me-" It was a Freudian slip, the first thought that had jumped to the front of her mind running out from her lips before she could pull up a proper argument, she'd immediately tugged it back in before it could slip away too much, before it could confess too much, before it could confess that Steve was the last piece of home she had and that without him she wasn't sure how she'd cope anymore. "I- I mean, you can't join the army, you have asthma and- and-" Even as she tried to conjure up a pointless reason it fell flat like sand at the bottom of an ocean on top of her tongue, the weight of it nothing more than a burden as the land quaked beneath her feet, or was that just her body shaking?

It wasn't just the addiction that Steve satiated which made her want to keep him in New York with her, it was the fact that he was a regular, a person she knew and had no questions about, no doubts. He was the one thing Addy had left which made up the person she was then, someone not so tiny and not so broken. He was the last piece of scaffolding keeping the rooftop from caving in on top of her, the last person that gave her a reason to stay in New York.

"A doctor came up to me at the expo, he gave me the opportunity and I can't turn it down. I know you don't agree with me but I'm really no use here, I have to do something," Steve tried to explain, though admittedly he didn't put all that much effort into excusing himself, simply giving her the facts.

"But… But…" Addy's frustration only increased as she struggled to conjure up some sort of spell that would change Steve's decision.

"I'm sorry Addy," he apologised, more emotion put into those three words than he had the previous statement. "I'm going to the army camp tomorrow and I just figured you'd appreciate it if I told you…I am really sorry Addy, but I have to do it."

"I'm happy for you Steve," Alice spoke up, having stood quietly at the sidelines eavesdropping. Steve looked up at her, grateful for the reaction she'd given as the wet-eyed crestfallen expression belonging to Addy had done nothing but make him feel guilty. He nodded appreciatively over towards her, and she nodded back. "Just take good care of yourself, okay?"

"Yes ma'am," Steve almost felt the need to salute her, but seen as she didn't hold such a rank (only the traits of someone that did) his hand remained in his lap, twitching only once. It was then Steve decided to stand from the bar stool, choosing to take the easier option and allow both himself and Addy time to come to terms with what was going to happen. His self-righteous belief in his place in the war was something that would only further insult to Addy's own point-of-view that the two men belonged by her side in New York, it was as much a fairytale as Sleeping Beauty, unable to happen because of the war the same way the princess' own fate had been sealed because of Maleficent.

He took one last glance at her, one last reproachful look and then he abandoned those emotions because there was no use for them in war. Addy matched his gaze for a single second before she had to turn away, unable to endure the pain his reveal had caused. Then he left, and Addy was surprised by how it felt as quick as the moment James had left, happening during a single blink of her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Addy," Alice apologised, finally feeling free enough to step closer to the strawberry blonde and wrap her arm around Addy, trying to pull her close.

But she revolted against the touch, raising her arm and shoulder so she could shove Alice's limb off of her. She stood straight, like a statue, and with a voice as empty of life as a stone, she explained: "I'm fine. It's fine. I just, uh- I need to go change a barrel or something…" Addy wondered when words had become a weakness of hers, the configuration of letters once upon a time being the only weapon she possessed.

"Addy," the bar owner called as she left into the back room, moving over towards the door beside the attic. She ended up throwing her head over towards Gladys who was at a table, the waitress also noticing Addy's strange behaviour which was helpful as she understood what Alice meant as she nodded her head over to her, Gladys immediately making her way over to the bar so that she could watch over it whilst Alice chased after the strawberry blonde.

Alice found her on the stair well, crouched, tears pouring from her eyes the way waterfalls slipped chaotically from cliffs, pouring without any care for what might be waiting at the bottom. Like any true mother would, she wasted no time before cradling the smaller female, pulling her arms around her like the most comfortable kind of straight jacket, reeling in all of Addy's insanity and helping her hold in all of the frail emotions that were scattering about on the floor and breaking apart into something she'd never be able to rebuild. "It's okay Addy, you're okay," Alice whispered softly, letting the strawberry blonde know that her emotions were valid.

"First Bucky leaves, now Steve, my home is being taken away from me because of this damn war," she whimpered through sobs, only able to reveal a fraction of the emotions that had surfaced like foam on top of a beer. "They've all left, and now I'm just stuck here, working as a damn waitress." Her words turned sincerely spiteful as she finally began to recognise her role for what it was, a complete waste, an obstacle that stopped her saving a James Buchanan Barnes. She just wanted to be back with Bucky. That invigorated emotion became clear as she threw her arm out passionately, pointing towards the distance in a meaningless direction as she stated: "I should be out there too, protecting them, who's going to stop them from doing stupid things?"

Alice was silent for a few seconds, taking every word that Addy had said in and reading them the way a scientist analysed information, eventually coming to one conclusion that floored her. There was only one thing that Addy could have truly been insinuating, but it was so out of character that it was hard to truly believe. "Wait, are you saying…"

"I don't know what I'm saying," Addy confessed, still speaking amongst a bubble of hiccups and sniffles. Her mind felt like a mess, which she found strange, because for once the only emotions that she was able to feel were her own, yet thoughts still flew around her mind like the house locked in the tornado which took Dorothy to Oz, but Addy wasn't so sure that there was an Oz waiting at the end of her journey. All she could see at the end of her tunnel was a war, one that she was possibly going to end up playing a bigger role in than anyone expected, which scared her.

But what scared her more, was when she looked down at the bottom of the stairs and saw the soldier once more, illuminated only by a thin strip of light from the open doorway at the top of stairs, only half of him was revealed as he seemed to be hiding. Despite being faceless, he was once more staring intently at the strawberry blonde but that wasn't what she concentrated on in that moment, though it was normally the most haunting feature, it was another part of his appearance which drew out her breathe and made all sounds coming from her stop for a second. His clothes weren't just creased anymore, they were torn in places, stained by what Addy could only hope was mud, it was so dark in the attic she was allowed to convince herself of that. His entire body was shaking, hands trembling, bones rattling. Perhaps it was the lack of teeth chattering which made Addy immediately assume that it was fear. No, not just fear, it was disquiet consternation, dreadful fright, it was the noises you hear in the middle of the silent night inside your home, it was a ghostly touch on your neck when there is actually nothing there, it was a fear of the kind of unknown which would make anyone question their own minds, trying to convince themselves that the unknown wasn't real.

Addy did not like seeing the fear on the faceless soldier's body, because he wasn't just a faceless soldier, she knew exactly who he was. She knew that fear did not belong on him.

He began to walk away, stepping backwards further into the darkness of the attic, and Addy knew what she needed to do when her bones rang with the need to follow him. Looking back over to Alice, she managed to speak in a much calmer voice, her mind seemingly clearer after the vision she'd just had. "I don't agree with the war, and maybe I've just got Steve's bug, but I want to join too, I just want to be back with them."

The old Addy from five years ago wouldn't have held such courage, wouldn't have even amused the thought of doing such a thing, would have found the notion preposterous because people weren't worth putting herself in danger for, people weren't anything she'd been fond of before. Bucky had changed that, he'd changed her in ways she could never have imagined.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to come to that conclusion," Alice replied, her words getting a surprised response from Addy. How could the bar owner have known it was something she'd decide when before that moment Addy hadn't even thought up such a fantasy. Did Alice have her powers of future sight? No, the strawberry blonde quickly concluded, if she did then Alice wouldn't end up in so many hilariously unlucky situations.

Despite Alice's words and the clear belief she was implying, Addy couldn't help but disagree and she knew Alice would too if she thought on the matter more. "But I can't even join the war, I'm just a woman, they won't want me," the strawberry blonde mumbled, her abrupt determination beginning to wobble as she realised it wouldn't be as simple as just joining Bucky's regiment because of who she was, because of her gender and status.

"Addy, since the day I met you, I've always known you were meant for great things, more than just Rendez-vous, and they'll learn that too," Alice comforted, rubbing her hands up and down the strawberry blonde's biceps, a comforting touch that never would have been allowed before Bucky. Even after facing Addy's argument, Alice had remained sure of the strawberry blonde, just like Bucky always used to. "If you truly want to help them out, I might have a way for you to join the cause, I can't promise you'll be on the field with them but you'll be in the background."

It wasn't exactly what she wanted, but the offer seemed to be the closest she'd able to get. Addy was intrigued. "What- What do you mean?"

"I just so happen to have an old family friend who works as a leading scientist for the war effort," the bar owner explained, grinning ear-to-ear. It was the same joy Addy could recall her displaying whenever she'd gifted Addy with a book that would have the at-the-time quiet and lonely child coming out of her shell. "I know weapons aren't your forte, but I also know that you can pick things up very quickly." "If you truly want to go help them, I can give you that opportunity, what do you say?"

The question was a big one, a platter of opportunity offered from golden hands, but the meal was spoiled slightly by the weighted existence of difference. She'd spent a lifetime eating cold meals, of living in the same city with the same people doing the same thing, what was offered to her was far more exotic and as far as she could tell different didn't always mean better.

But, she realised shortly after gulping down her anxieties, that it wasn't about her fears, it was about making sure that Bucky and Steve were safe and okay. They were both pretty big meatballs, always running towards the trouble, sometimes they'd needed her to pull them back.

"Two years ago, my mom came back after a horrible end to a relationship. As per usual, she blamed me, making it very clear her view on me and all the things I'd done to ruin her life, even going further than the usual, it wasn't just my existence that was a cruelty to her, it was my voice, my eyes - like my fathers, she said, whoever that is - my personality, it was every inch of me. Then, when I mistakenly said back to her 'you're not that great, either', my first time actually responding to her bullying, she moved to grab my arm and ended up scratching me to the point of blood coming out. All she cared about was her broken nail though.

"I didn't know what to do as she completely lost it again, the alcohol doing nothing but fueling her behaviour, so I did what Bucky always told me to do in the past and I went to his. As soon as I arrived he knew what had happened, either he just knows me really well, or I looked in a terrible state, I can't really remember.

"He dragged me into his apartment and made me sit down so he could fix up my wound. I remember that he was so vehemently mad about it, about the fact that she made me bleed, then he noticed that I had scars on my arms and that made him go on another rampage. Though normally I would go quiet after such a thing happened, in that moment I decided to tell him the story of how I earnt the scars on my wrist. It was when my mother, during another one of her alcohol binges, locked me in a bathroom with her so that neither of us could get out, and began to tell me about why her life was ruined to the point where she wanted to die. I think, if I remember correctly, that was the first time she ever made it outwardly clear to me that it was my fault. She told me that sometimes she thinks about killing me, and I was so young, I was screaming out the entire time, begging for someone to come help but no one… no one could hear. She grabbed my arms and using her nails, she started to scratch down them, repeatedly, until she'd scraped off lines of flesh on my arms. The entire time she described what she really wanted to do, how she wished she could trade me for my father, for the life she was supposed to have with my perfect sister. That's when I knew she'd gone delusional, because Maria left after arguing with my mother too much, their relationship had never been perfect. I thought I was going to die but…but then Frederick came to the door, her latest boyfriend. She made me go hide in my room and I had to figure out how to stop my arm from bleeding all alone, whilst she… did things, with Frederick. They were so loud that neither of them could hear me crying. Anyway, the next day I went up to my next door neighbour who was actually pretty good friends with my mother, and I showed her the cuts, asking for help. Her response? 'Your mother would never do something like that.'"

Alice's smile had slipped completely off her face, her heart aching for the girl in front of her who was more child than woman as she recalled the memories of her past. She'd learnt eventually who Addy's mother truly was, but the stories always felt strange to her ears because once upon a time she would have been one of those persons that would have argued she wasn't the kind of person to do that, and that would erupt horrible guilt inside of her. "I'm so sorry that happened to you," Alice apologised, wishing that she could tug Addy's mother there and force her to repeat those words because it was what Addy was truly owed.

The strawberry blonde gave a stifled nod, lips pressed into a nonexistent line. "So was James, and maybe it isn't so surprising to anyone else, but when he held me after I told him that story, I was stunned. I didn't know how to react. He… He believed me, straight away. He knew that I couldn't possibly make up such things. For the first time in years, I felt valid. James started saying that he wasn't going to let anyone touch me like that ever again, that he wasn't going to let anyone treat me like that ever again, he even went as far to promise such a thing. And he's kept that promise, he's kept his promise to protect me. Such a promise is owed an impossible debt. So, I suppose, what I mean to say is-" after much consideration, Addy gave Alice a determined nod- "do it."

The bar owner gave a nod that matched the same resolve on Addy's. "Right, I'm going to go make a phone call, you go back up to the bar so Gladys can do what she does best." It was a request not a demand, Alice giving the strawberry blonde time to inhale and exhale a few shaking breaths so that she could get herself ready for working, for concentrating on something other than Bucky.

Addy did as was asked of her, going back up the stairs and trying to stop her mind from running rampant, with both her overthinking and all of the alcohol-fuelled feelings the patrons were sharing with her sense. She conversed with Gladys for a second, assuring the bar waitress that she was okay before Gladys left to go chatter with all of the patrons, a job she'd happily accepted taking the main role for.

Alice returned shorty, clapping her hands together and showing more excitement than Addy actually felt. "He'll be here in an hour, we'll close the bar early so you and him can have a proper discussion."

Addy sent her a grateful look, unable to conjure words as her mind had stuck to another thought Not the feelings of anyone in Rendez-vous, not the hauntings of the faceless soldier, not even the unknown future ahead of her. It was a decision she'd been waiting a long time to make. "Do you… Do you mind if I take my break, I think it's time I go write James a letter."

"Of course, Addy," the bar owner answered quickly, having hoped to hear those words weeks earlier. Communicating with her brunet soldier was the best way for Addy to recover, Alice knew that and had been encouraging it almost everyday. After another grateful tilt of her head, Addy began to set off towards Alice's office, not expecting the bar owner to reach out and stop her from walking into the back room. "Hey," she mumbled, surprising herself with how quiet her voice had become, "remember what I said earlier, you were always meant for greater things than this bar, I know that's probably quite scary to hear but it's true."

"Thank you, Alice," Addy mumbled in response, neither of them used to hearing such authentic words from the bar owner who'd tried to raise the strawberry blonde rather than mollycoddle her. There had been an awkwardness which lasted since Addy's mother dropped the poor girl off on Alice's doorstep, one that prevented the two from ever becoming close and it had prevailed even in such a moment there, any words more than that getting stuck in Addy's throat.

Until Addy chose to fight against them, the same way she was fighting against all of her anxieties to try and join the war effort, to join Bucky's side. She truly did adore him, but she knew that such a thing wouldn't be possible if it weren't for a certain person, the one person who'd influenced Addy's openness even when she was as closed as a locked door. Though she'd taken another step forward towards the office, Addy stopped and turned back to face Alice, her movement making the bar owner pause as well. "I, uh, I feel like this should really go unsaid but, I hope you know that without you there's a very strong likelihood I wouldn't be alive right now, or I would be, but it wouldn't be a very good existence, so when I say thank you, I don't just mean for this conversation here. I mean for the entire life you've given me, a gift, as you taught me what it was truly like to have a mother."

"It has, and always will be, my honour." Addy gave her a short smile, her thankfulness towards Alice clear enough by the time she turned and walked away, going over to her boss' office so that she could write Bucky a letter. Alice watched the strawberry blonde saunter over to the office, and behind her back, she wiped away a tear. It wasn't a sad tear, it was an overwhelmingly proud tear.

Meanwhile, Addy finally finished her journey towards Alice's office, finding a piece of paper and a pen available on the bar owner's desk. She sat down and began to write.

Dear my sorely missed soldier,
I apologise for the shortness of my last letter, I didn't really know what to say and I didn't have the heart to say anything to you in the first place. In all honesty, I was hurt. It was like you'd driven nails into each of my limbs and left me attached to a floor whilst you went off without me, leaving me to bleed out on the floor. I know that sounds cruel but it is my truth, something I've always tried to give you because you'd always encouraged me to be honest, even if it meant saddening you.
I do not want you to be sad. I want you to be brave, I want you to run into war with courage, knowing that you will return home one day because you have to for me. Is that selfish? Probably, yet I do not care. I find that so strange. That things I panicked over for years do not affect me so strongly when it comes to you, I discovered this little fact the day you held my hand at the Christmas party at the Meadows. That feels so long ago, yet all I want to do is return to that night. Even though it had started off rather horribly for me, it had ended like a… well, like a Christmas miracle. In fact, if I had the power, I would replace every second of my past with that one moment. I still remember the way your hands felt on my body, like a wool blanket in winter.
I say that I remember everything, yet I also fear I am forgetting some things. Like the way you feel in a room. It's almost like someone has covered the sun nowadays. I suppose what I mean to actually say, and even though the words feel slightly unoriginal after all your letters, is that I miss you too. I miss you so much. I miss everything about you and everything I didn't know about you and everything you did to me. That last night wasn't enough, it was too short, and my biggest regret is that I shortened it because I got too jealous over things I understand now are nothing to really worry about.
To answer your previous letters, I'm sorry to hear about the sadness you've undergone, it is truly terrible and the only advice that I can give is that sometimes the darkness is necessary to give more luminescence to the light. There is light in your life, even in these dark times, and as I've learnt thanks to you, I'm sure it will shine when you least expect it. There are already glimmers of sun rays coming through the stormy clouds, as proven by your tale about your drunken escapades in the forest. It's good that you've found comrades there, I hope they can protect you, I'm fine with you telling stories of us and our red string as long as it motivates them to ensure you return home to me safe.
And to answer all the questions I can remember off the top of my head (I'm at work right now, Alice says hello, Gladys is probably giving a slight tilt of her head, trying to pretend like she doesn't find you to be the most charming person to ever walk into Rendez-vous): I am as okay as one can be after having a part of them torn away, I can still walk and talk and strive for something more. I will be okay eventually. The plumbing has been fine though my shower is still running cold, I've spoken to the landlord about it and he says that he's called the plumbers but they're very busy at the moment, it should be sorted out by the end of the year. Gladys is actually treating me better, though I expect it's all out of sympathy. I have taken ten plants in total up to the rooftop and bought three larger ones, I don't plan on buying any more large or medium ones for the inside of my apartment as I've simply run out of room. No one has bothered me at the bar, I've stopped doing the night shifts and so the only ones that cause any issues are the ones dissatisfied by the service given but Alice always steps up to deal with them, which leads me to my answer for your final question, yes, she's been doing a tremendous job at looking after me.
I hope all those answers were suitable, if not, then feel free to write me another letter, I'll try my best to respond as soon as I receive it. Though, I may be busy from now on as I've decided that I'm actually going to join the army too. Not the fieldwork of course, I'm hardly fit enough and though I'm sure I could learn to understand a gun pretty quickly, I'd rather avoid using violence.
It was Alice's idea, he's calling an old family friend that is apparently the head of science with the war effort. I've no idea who it could be though I'm excited to meet them. I'm excited to be given the opportunity to help you in some way. I'd be lying if I said that I also wasn't hoping to see you sooner as well, though I know it would be very unlikely considering I wouldn't even be a part of an army regiment. Perhaps I'll visit some, and yours would be one of the lucky ones I get to grace my presence with.
This is probably a surprise to you, that I'm actually joining the war effort and not just as a maid of some kind. It's a surprise to me too, believe me. But it's something I know I have to do. You and Steve joined the war because you felt a responsibility, a debt to the country. I feel the exact same way, except not for the country, the people of this city have done nothing but ignore my struggles, whereas you two, you are my debt that needs to be repaid. You are my responsibility.
I don't know what else to say whilst writing this letter, yet I find myself overwhelmed by an abundance of words and wants, none of them actually stringing together probably. It's a mix of words. Want, need, hello, goodbye, but not goodbye, phantasmagorical.
I hope you keep safe and that you're doing well and that you get this letter before you leave, I'm not quite sure when to send it otherwise. I expect it will take quite a lot of time as there are possibly well over a million letters being sent from soldiers to loved ones and loved ones to soldiers, my letter to you feels rather insignificant when compared against that number. Sorry, you don't care about that. I'm rambling and I shouldn't ramble because I don't want to use any more of Alice's paper than is required. Again, I'm rambling, I really need to stop. I also need to stop writing this letter, even though this is the closest to you I've felt in weeks. I can't apologise enough for not doing this earlier, I just didn't really know what to say to you. Or, I knew what to say to you, but none of it regarded the fact you left me and I knew that I shouldn't have just disregarded what had happened either. It was a horrible vortex I got stuck in, but this new opportunity to evolve myself has been the step closer to the mountaintop that I needed, the rest of the climb had been a battle against ice, but on this one I've found myself on a perch, it is a moment to relax in a certain way (I'll be honest, I'm panicking a lot, but I know both you and Alice believe in me, and logically, if I have that many people believing in me than I must be capable of something).
I know I've already said it, but I feel the desire to end this letter the same way that you have in the past: I MISS YOU!
Adoration from, a scared but excited girl that misses you more than she'd miss chocolate (which is a lot).

Addy had to force herself to end the letter there, a build-up of words having filled up in her mind after weeks of not talking to him. She grabbed a hold of an envelope which she'd know was in one of the drawers in the desk and then she filled it in, able to recall the address Bucky had given her and jotted it down, preparing the letter so she could just drop it off on her own way home.

She left the office, entering the bar only to find it empty, even Gladys wasn't there, only Alice who had remained unaware of the strawberry blonde's presence. Her eyes immediately moved over to the clock on the wall, finding that it had somehow ended up being 6:28, meaning not only was she late, but apparently so was the head scientist, which Addy couldn't help but feel was a tad unprofessional. Then again, she had been unprofessional too. Still, she felt like she'd earned some brownie points for arriving closer to the appointed time.

Seconds later, the door to Rendez-vous was opened and the bell above rung out. She couldn't believe who stepped through, it didn't seem real. Not until he spoke. "Honey, I'm home!"

A/N: So, uh, hi again, long time no see. I don't know how to explain why I haven't uploaded, I've had the chapters but everytime I'd go to upload one I just got so sad and didn't bother doing it. Depression has been hitting me hard, I've had to deal with some stuff I didn't enjoy and I got comments recently that should have only made me really question one thing in my story but because my head is the way it is I started thinking that this story just isn't worthwhile and I'm not really a worthwhile writer. I'm hoping this doubt will go away soon, but I don't know. I feel like this story isn't good, near the end I like my ideas but that's near the end. Ugh, yeah, I'm a sad person whoooo. Sorry for rambling, I'm kind ahoping if I say my thoughts out loud to someone than I can work more on resolving them. Maybe not. Maybe I'll never write again for this story, I don't really know right now. Again, sorry.

To Cash1122, ahhhh I'm sorry, it was supposed to be a sort of happy moment before the sadness. And yeah, it would be cruel for Addy to start dating Bucky before she's ready, even if she has realised that she like-likes him, there's still too many things in the way preventing her from committing herself.

To animexchick, here have more letters! Hope they were fun ^^

To SomebodyWhoCares, I feel like Addy isn't a super violent person right now but she did give him the silent treatment (kind of, she spoke to him through Steve technically) and that was her punishment aha.

To SunnySides, I'm not confirming nor denying. I'm glad you enjoyed the letter, they're actually one of my least favourite things to write aha, just because I need to get the tone of the character right but then it's not even the tone of the character it's the polished tone because people always polish themselves when writing letters or emails... I hope that made sense.

To Assbitch67, listen, I didn't decide for Bucky to join the war, he went and did that himself. Is it weird that now I want spaghetti bolognese cause you said upsetti spaghetti?

To Purplestan, hello fellow British person! Glad you enjoyed the chapter and don't worry, Addy TOTALLY didn't spend days afterward crying, nope, definitely not.

And a Happy Merry Average Thank You to the people that simply read the chapter, I'll hopefully update again soon but I'm not quite sure where my heads at right now so I make no promises. Sorry for the inconvenience!