Chapter 14: Onward

Temari had been tracing an imaginary pattern in the floor in front of her door for the past 10 minutes. It had seemed that because of the frenzy that had been happening lately, they forgot about Temari's welcome back dinner that they had put off for about a month. It had only been two days since she was found out she was pregnant and was nowhere near ready to open up that can of worms to her brothers. It wasn't the sickness from the baby that had her moments away from puking but the anticipation that she would spill the beans on accident or on purpose. Gaara had a way of making people open up.

"Just stay calm….stay calm and remember that the longer no one knows, the more time you have to think…..that's it…" When Kankuro came knocking she almost jumped out of her skin.

"Temari! Answer the door! I don't think I can hold this pot anymore!" By special request just days before, she asked him to make a pot of Saba Miso as his contribution to dinner. Gaara tried to insist that he just bring drinks upon remembering the disaster of Gaara's favorite gizzard recipe.

"Oh. Coming." The smell whipped her as she got closer to the door. It would be nowhere near as good as Old Man Mao but it would have to do. Upon realizing her pregnancy, she made the connection that it was in fact the baby that must have been craving this odd mackerel dish.

"Geez! Did you have to request something that smells like this?!" His face turned away as he walking in and slammed the pot onto the dining room table.

"Heh…sorry…" Temari really didn't know what else to say. "Where's Gaara?"

"Hm. He should have been right behind me. We bumped into each other on our way here."

"Kankuro…" A husky voice drifted in through the doorway holding a covered plate. "I do not understand your obsession with these…steak burgers…." He closed the door with a slither of sand that came from the gourd on his back.

"I blame my friends for that….it was Dari who made me my first batch in the academy and I was hooked ever since." Kankuro's face suddenly got serious. "I regret nothing."

Temari quickly organized the table, trying to get dinner started as quickly as she could. The faster they ate, the faster they left and the faster she could control her nerves which were firing at an alarming rate.

"Oh! Guess what your little bro got you Temari?" Pulling it out from under his jacket, it was a full bottle of Nigori.

"Ah….Nigori…..thanks…" She tried to act as natural as possible when she took the bottle and gave him a forced grin. This in turn created another problem because she couldn't drink anymore. She had hoped her previous drunken encounter didn't hurt the baby and spent the night tossing in guilt. Trying to place the alcohol in a hidden area so everyone would forget deemed unfruitful for Kankuro quickly snatched it out of her hand and put it in the center of the table.

"Tonight, we drink!"

"I don't drink." Gaara disappeared into the kitchen.

"Aw come in Gaara! You're with us so you don't have to act all reserved. Live a little my little brother!" Kankuro was the first to pop it open and serve himself.

"Maybe we should lay off the drinking tonight….Gaara might feel left out." It was a crappy excuse but she had to go with it.

"It's fine Temari. You two should not put off your fun because of me." Emerging from the kitchen, Temari had to try her best not to snicker. Looking as serious and astute as ever was Gaara in a red frilled apron he must have found in her drawer of kitchen supplies. Kankuro's eye was twitching next to her.

"You know you don't have to wear that Gaara…" That was actually a plea from his older brother.

"I do not want to mess up my clothes…" In his left hand was a serving spoon and in his right hand an oven mitt.

"Shut up Kankuro." Still trying to hold in the laughter, she slapped him promptly in the cut. "Ignore him Gaara."

"Thank you." They all proceeded to sit around the table that was set for three after Temari lit the candle in the center. The lights around them were dim enough to allow the flames to illuminate the small glass arrangement. Looking at both of them, she found herself being very thankful of what her life gave her despite this awful present predicament. Dinner with her brothers was one of things that made her pick up the pace on her way home and really welcome her back.

"Itadakimasu!" The three said in unison, before digging in to each other's food. Temari's food, two dishes of rice and salted tongue, were the first thing on Gaara's plate while Kankuro slapped a hamburger on the side.

"You can't knock it before you try it Gaara!" Kankuro gave him an encouraging smile.

"Then you must try this salted tongue..." Gaara's retaliation of sliding some onto his plate proved effective and his older brother shrunk away.

"I feel like it's talking to me…"

"Oh you two! Just eat!" Temari's plate was piled high with the mackerel to the point where some was centimeters away from spilling over the side.

"You're eating a lot Temari." Gaara's comment made her swallow her food too fast and almost choke.

"Um….yea. Training has taken the best of me and that diet that crazy old hag has me on isn't helping either." Good save.

"Don't worry! We won't tell her!" To her left, she felt like Kankuro was about to fuse his face with the plate. He always ate like a pig. Looking at her empty glass, he realized that she hadn't touched the Sake. "Hey Temari! You must have forgotten what I brought to drink! Here ya go!" Her eyes widened as she watched him fill it all the way to the top and shove it in her hand. "Bottoms up!"

What do I do?!

"Thanks…" Her body decided to step in and save her with a sudden urgency to go to the bathroom. Subtly holding onto her glass, she excused herself and ran straight for the toilet. "Good save…." After she did her business, she took the wine and poured it down the sink, leaving just a little left so it wouldn't look to suspicious.

She came out just in time to hear the tail end of a very strange conversation. "I do not understand…why would she put a small glass of Sake there?"

What on earth is Kankuro telling him?….

"Ahh little brother. I have so much to teach you about girls at basement parties and so little time…" He was facepalming.

"What are you talking about Kankuro?..." With her hands on her hips, she knew it probably one of those stories of his wild nights with his academy buddies. He may have been tainted but she was not going to allow him to taint Gaara as well.

"Uh nothing Temari!"

"Will you explain this to me Temari-"

"SOOO GAARA! How about that salted tongue?!" Kankuro made it a point to yell a cover and give him the hush-hush eyes.

"It's wonderful….thank you Temari. I can imagine mother must have cooked like this."

"Mom was a great cook. Although I don't remember much, I do remember being really excited about her dumplings. Uncle Yashamaru told me that before I had teeth she use to make them really soft and mash them up for my dinner." From the stories she heard about her and the small memories, she truly saw how much of a big heart her mother had.

"I think I would have liked that."

"I think you would have too Gaara. Mom would have probably gone out of her way and made our favorite foods for each of us…she was that type of woman." The more she spoke about her, the more Temari saw herself falling short in her future motherhood. Gaara must have seen the gloomy look on her face.

"You are like her…."

"Oh no. I'm nothing like her. I think a lot of her traits skipped me."

"I think Gaara is right. I mean, you basically raised us so you had to be something similar. " Kankuro must have seen it too. He looked back down for a moment before glancing in her direction again. "Temari, are you ok?"

She must have not noticed her eyes get glossy." Oh yea. Yea I'm fine." Quickly, she wiped away a tear that almost manifested. This baby had her in a ball of rollercoaster feelings.

"Are you crying about mother?" Gaara had stopped eating.

"No…no I'm not crying about her. I'm not crying at all. I'm fine." She bit back at the rest of the salty drops that were forming and tried to console herself with a lie. There was more to her tears than her mother. It was the beckoning of the secret she was keeping.

"Look, we didn't mean to upset you." Kankuro's tone went down a few notches. Looking again at them both tore her apart inside and lying to them was probably one of the hardest things she's done. The two people she was completely honest with were sitting right in front of her and believing her cover up because they didn't know any better. They had no idea and as much as it was right, it was equally wrong. To share her secret though, would be to also share in her fear and her suffering. It would be placing another burden on them when they both had their own crosses to bear but it was hard because she had no one else. She was so withdrawn in her internal battle that she didn't notice again that she was crying at the dinner table.

"Temari…" Gaara broke her out.

She sniffled and wiped her cheeks. "Sorry everyone…" Not once had she ever been embarrassed in front of them until now. Temari honestly just wanted to shrink away into her room in the darkness and close the door on the world. Suddenly, she felt something soft on the top of her hand.

"Whatever you are going through Temari…you can share it with us." With the most sincere look, Gaara had placed his hand on top of hers.

"Yea. I take that back about you being my iron-clad, no-nonsense, "I'll kick your ass", "shut up Kankuro", protective big sister. You can be just…well, Temari." Kankuro gave that confident smile that reminded her of a certain someone. The fact that her brothers were being this way finally broke her resolve and she decided to tell them at whatever the cost. Anything was better than lying to people who trusted her. Without saying a word, she pulled her seat back from the table and went into her room where she kept the test in a brown paper bag under her mattress. She was slow to remove it and ever slower to look at her reality again. She thought she had their reactions figured out and braced herself for the moment of impact but she was ready to be free of this guilt. Taking it out, she held it rightly between her hands behind her back and finally emerged, still partially hidden by the shadows.

"What is it Temari?" Gaara was clearly worried about her peculiar actions.

Playing the moment out in her head meant nothing because she was still nowhere near prepared for what was about to come.

"What's going on?" Kankuro was also on the edge of his seat.

Cautiously, like a frightened child she walked over to the glass table. Standing in front like a block of ice, she began to want to go back into her room and pretend this whole thing never happened but she knew they would find out somehow. It was better they heard it from her. Creeping out behind her back, she placed her hands on the table next to her place and held it there for a moment. Her last breath must have been a prayer for she felt her hands begin to warm as she opened it out. Here it went.

"Temari?..." Kankuro sounded as if he was just stabbed with a blade right through his heart. "What…." His found made her spirit break again and in a burst of mixed emotions she began to cry.

"Kankuro….what is this?" That's right. Gaara had no idea.

"Gaara it's…..this is…..Gaara…Temari is…pregnant."

She couldn't even look at them anymore she casted her gaze up at the ceiling in hopes that the sky would open up and suck her in.

"Are you pregnant Temari?" His husky voice sounded confused. Innocently confused. It hurt to listen too.

"Who did this to you?!" She heard a crash and saw that Kankuro had flipped the entire table over. Temari said nothing. "Tell me!"

"Kankuro…" Gaara must have been even more shocked.

"Tell me right now Temari!" His reaction was just as she pictured it but then why wasn't she able to handle it? Grabbing her by her wrist, he spun her around and shook her.

"Kankuro…"

Looking dead in his eyes she saw the horror behind his pupils and the blind rage in his expression. "Don't just stand there Temari! Tell me who the bastard is!" He was shaking her again and all it did was bring on a headache so powerful she thought she was going to black out.

"Kankuro!" Suddenly, a burst of sand came in between them and threw him against the wall.

"Gaara don't do that!" She pleaded but was already done.

"I bet it's that two bit fuck bastard Shikamaru isn't it! I'm gonna kill him with my own bare hands!"

"Kankuro you must calm down!" Hearing Gaara yell only magnified how serious the situation was.

"I'll murder him! I swear I'll murder him!" There was no stopping him at this point and once Gaara saw him get up, he quickly went into defense mode to try and restrain his raging older brother.

"Desert Chains." Shooting out from his gourd were clumps of sand arranged in links that made two separate chains to wrap around a squirming Kankuro.

"Let go of me Gaara!"

"Not until I know you will calm down…" Gaara's held his hand steadily like he was holding onto a miniature size of Kankuro.

"Gaara you don't have to do this!" This brought her back to the days of when Gaara was in his dark delusion and he would at times attack them unnecessarily.

"Yes I do because I need to make sure he will not do something he will regret…"

"Just let me go Gaara!"

"He's not going to do anything Gaara but you can't hold him like that!" Placing her hands on his arms, she tried her best to sway him. Everything was her fault so why should they get all worked up at each other. Gaara held strong for a moment longer before retracting the sand back into his gourd. Kankuro fell to the ground in a pile of broke dishes, shattered glass and spilled food. Everything was going wrong. Everything. Just when she thought that things would settle down, she saw him get up off the ground and on one swoop he went out the door but not before throwing the one unbroken plate against her wall.

"Kankuro wait!" Temari was determined to go after him because she realized Gaara could be right.

"Temari….leave him." They both watched him stomp down the hallway and disappear down the flight of stairs at the end.

"We need to foll-"

"No….he will be fine. " His words were soothing but she couldn't believe it because she had never seen him so angry before. There was nothing she could do for him right now because whatever he was going through he had to do on his own. Partially shell shocked, she sat down on her couch with her head in her hands. It wasn't but a few moments after did she feel a sink in the spot next to her.

"You don't have to stay Gaara. I'll be fine."

"Temari…"

"Yea?" She was half expecting him to disown her and walk out calmly but his question surprised her.

"Have you seen a doctor?"

"No….I can't go to a doctor. Everyone knows who I am."

"You're right….." Silence. "How long have you known?"

"I don't know. Two days now?"

"Did you….think you could do this alone?"

"I don't know. I don't know of a lot of things right now Gaara."

"No one else knows do they?..."

"Other than you and Kankuro? No…Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone anyway. I know how badly that would look being your sister and all. Pregnant and alone."

"When will you tell him?" Did Gaara know who the father was already?

"Tell who?"

"Shikamaru." She looked into his eyes and saw nothing but a quiet concern. It was something she couldn't understand. Here she was wreaking havoc in his village and causing all sorts of problems to erupt and still all he could think about was looking out for her.

"No." That idea had already come and gone.

"I think….I think you should go to him…."

…

Kankuro never came back that night and Temari and Gaara spent the rest of the time picking up smashed glass and spilled food. Gaara even went so far as to help her scrub her floors and joked saying that this could have been his clothes had he not worn the apron. She couldn't help but laugh and it made him smile. He asked about how she was handling it, what her plans were. He watched her fall into a heap and cry again and in the next moment pretend everything was ok. She shared with him more stories of their mother and he listened with inaudible curiosity. The night they spent picking up the broken pieces was something she would never forget because she felt she truly got to know more about her little brother even though he barely said a word sometimes. They ended the night with chocolate ice cream that he had brought for desert and he ended up falling asleep on a blanket in the middle of her living room.

"Mom would be so proud of you Gaara…" When she covered him she remembered the little boy years ago who was always afraid to go to sleep.

Things really have changed…..

The next day she called in sick from work and that was no lie because she literally woke up vomiting in the trashcan near her bed. "You've got to be kidding me." The after taste only made it worse and pretty much all morning was dash between wherever she was and the bathroom. Since she wasn't feeling to well to train that day so she decided to put it off until that night and spend the day catching up on paperwork Gaara had sent to her apartment. It seemed like every day one of the councilmembers would write up a new statement on foreign relations that she had to review. Once she deemed it necessary, it would be sent to Gaara for the councilmembers to vote on before it because effective. As a measure to prevent her from using favoritism, the council could skip her part all together and go straight for Gaara but the majority of them liked the way she handled it so it was rare they ever did that.

"You would think these people would take a break so I could at least catch up." Noticing the mess that it made, she decided to take some time to organize it all so her room wouldn't look like a storm of documents. They were all equally important and all could be put into one category so she was stuck as to how to place them until she remembered how Shikamaru did it back in Konoha. It was very effective and once she put them in order of due date, she found her job a little less stressful.

He should quit being a jounin and just travel the country organizing people's lives…

There she went thinking about him again and so her mood took a dive off a high cliff. She started thinking about Gaara's question as to if she should even bother to mention it. The needed was not her desire to be with him, because the relationship they had worked just fine, it was her concern for if he wanted to be an active father or not. Being only 18, there was only so much a guy would think about when it came to fatherhood and it was probably all "such a drag". It would only be natural for him to turn her away so was it even worth the try?

"I don't need him anyway. I am capable of doing things on my own. That idiot probably wouldn't even know how to change a diaper…." She pictured him barely fastening it onto the baby because it took too much work to do it tightly and the whole thing come toppling off. "Yea….that's what it would be like…" Looking down at her stomach through her white t shirt, she began to wonder what it would look like. "I hope it doesn't have his dull expression…." When she first met Shikamaru at the Chunin exams, she had a hard time taking him seriously with his lazy eyes and crumpled mouth. At that age she didn't see him as good looking but only a dim looking slug that was getting in her way of becoming a chunin. Back then she had a fire hotter than any fire style jutusu and she wished she still had that spark. Was she getting old or was life just getting harder? Maybe it was a combination of both. Spending all of this time on him was taking away from her work and not to mention, getting her depressed so she dove head on into her task at hand. An hour later, she heard a knock at her door.

"Who is it?"

"Gaara." When she opened the door, she saw him holding a little pink thermos with red hearts on it. Although Gaara had good intentions, she wanted to laugh at how he carried it out. "Matsuri said you would like this." He walked inside.

"You were with Matsuri?" That was a shock.

"Yes. She saw me in the shop and helped me buy this. I made tea with mint."

"Thanks." They both went and sat down on her couch.

"I read it will calm your stomach from morning sickness."

"Well you're a little late for that. I was puking this morning but I feel a little better."

"Oh." Although he didn't look it, she sensed she rained on his parade.

"But I know I'll feel sick later so I'll just drink this now." It wasn't that bad actually. "Have you seen Kankuro?"

"No. I am sure he is alright though. He can be emotional but he is not a fool."

"I hope so…" It hurt to know he could be anywhere by now.

"Temari….I came to talk to you."

"About what?"

"About Shikamaru…"

"Gaara-"

"You need to tell him." Gaara was now the voice of reason.

"I don't want to tell him. If I know Shikamaru, he probably wouldn't care….plus I think he's with someone…"

"That does not matter. Temari that is his child."

She hated to admit it. "I know but Gaara what sense does it if he'll just shut the door in my face….I don't plan on going back to Konoha so no one over there will know."

"Once you give birth….the word will spread and he will find out." She hadn't taken that into consideration. "He may hold malcontent for you for not telling him whether he chooses to accept the child or not."

"Then I'd rather it be that way. That way I could stand up to him and tell him I can make it on my own…"

"This is not about you anymore….You cannot let your pride be the reason your child will be fatherless Temari." That was the words of someone who was looking deep inside of her. She thought this whole time she was rationalizing it surrounding her baby but Gaara was right. It was still all about her and her independent ego.

"You're right Gaara…..your so right. I shouldn't be afraid to do what's best for my child even if it means my ego would be crushed. I guess I've lived to long only thinking about what would happen to me instead of other people. There's no way I'll be afraid of him and so I guess….I guess I'll go to Konoha then…" As confident as she sounded, the thought made her shutter.

"Good. On your way you should stop in a small village and find a doctor."

"Yea….I guess I have to take a different route so no one will recognize me…." With a sigh, she thought of her long journey and what trials and tribulations it would bring. "But wait….what about-"

"I took care of the Feudal Lord for now…"

"Huh? What did you do?"

"I sent him and his family on an all-expense-paid vacation…"

"Gaara?"

"You get more bees with honey than with vinegar….so I decided to get honey and throw it by the beach." He gave a mischievous smile that only counteracted the pink thermos cup he was drinking his tea out of her. Gaara was crafty. She had to give him that.