Chapter Fourteen:
Francis hastily walks into the apartment, stuffing his stash into his pocket so Arthur cannot see.
Arthur looks up from his guitar. "Where were you?" he asks, sounding tired.
"I'm sorry, I'm late," Francis begins to say. Arthur interrupts him.
"I know. You lost your keys – no wait, you went for a walk; you had to help your poor, sick mother," Arthur simpers, voice rising.
"No I—" Francis tries to say.
"How's Ludwig?" Arthur cuts in furiously. "I'm going home." He grabs his guitar and a small bag that Francis hadn't noticed before.
"Wait!" Francis says quickly. "I should tell you…I should…" he sighs, "never mind."
"Happy spring," Arthur snarls, pushing past Frenchman out of the apartment, not looking back. Francis sinks into a nearby chair and closes his eyes wearily. He has a feeling Arthur isn't coming back.
Without you…the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows…
Days pass. Francis has yet to see Arthur. Francis feels weaker, like a part of him has been ripped away from him. Working at the Cat Scratch Club is now tiring and Francis finds himself taking longer breaks so he can catch his breath.
One day Ludwig visits him in the dancers' dressing room and holds him as Francis cries. Ludwig is there to support Francis – as a friend. Francis knows that the German man could never replace Arthur to him.
Without you…the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play…
Lars has given him a discount on his stash; Francis vaguely wonders if he should be concerned. Lars has never done that – not in the few years Francis has known the Dutchman. As Lars walks away Francis wipes some beads of sweat off his brow and wonders how the little children in the playground across the street can bother to run around, happy, in such scoring heat.
Francis decides that he doesn't like June and its scoring heat and decides to go back inside.
The stars gleam, the poets dream…the eagles fly, without you…
Arthur stares up into the night sky, clutching his guitar. He feels utterly alone, staring at the many stars above him. He wonders absently what Francis might be doing at this moment before kicking himself – Francis is probably fine; possibly hitting on a drillion different men and women or sleeping with Ludwig in his little apartment. Arthur scowls and strums a few angry chords on his guitar. They do little to soothe him and Arthur puts the guitar down.
His mind flickers back to Santa Fe again and the urge for change grows stronger. He wants to fly away from this dreary place – away to sunny Santa Fe where he can make music and be happy.
The moon glows, the river flows but I die without you…
It is July 13th when Francis receives the call from Mathias. Feliks is in the hospital; his illness has gotten worse. Francis is horrified at how tired and depressed Mathias's voice is. Francis swallows thickly and agrees to meet the other man at the hospital, not caring about whether or not Arthur will be there.
Arthur is dragged out of the building by Gilbert, who seems to be attempting at staying cheerful for everyone's sake. He keeps his eyes low and doesn't say anything, cringing inwardly whenever he hears Francis's voice.
Gilbert watches the two of them worriedly and prays that they don't start arguing. Feliks doesn't need that and neither does Mathias.
The world revives…colours renew…but I know blue – only blue…lonely blue…within me blue…
Lovino stares at Antonio from the other side of the hospital bed. He has come to check up on Feliks, not realizing that Antonio would also be there.
Antonio is singing a Spanish song softly under his breath as he helps Feliks paint his nails neon pink. Gilbert is filming them, making a face and laughing as Mathias offers to paint his nails too.
Lovino wishes he could be sitting beside Antonio. His eyes meet with Arthur's and the two of them suddenly feel a wave of sympathy for one another; they know how the other feels at this moment.
Without you…the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats…
Mathias kisses Feliks's hand gently as the two of them watch the television set in Feliks's hospital room.
Mathias believes that Feliks's laugh is the most beautiful laugh he has ever heard in his entire life.
"I think I'm enjoying staying in this place – I mean, free TV? A total deal!" Feliks jokes, and Mathias notices that Feliks's bright eyes seem sharper than usual, his cheeks are rosier and his voice is raspier.
"You're getting a fever," Mathias whispers, putting his hand on Feliks's forehead. Feliks pouts slightly before putting his hand on top of Mathias's. "I'm getting a doctor," Mathias says, standing up.
"No, wait," Feliks says suddenly, grabbing Mathias by the arm. "Take me home."
Mathias blinks at him. "I can't – you'll get worse at home," he says. Feliks shakes his head.
"Can't get any worse than I am right now, right?" he asks and neither of them voice the fact that yes, yes he can get worse and he will.
"Alright," Mathias says with a sigh. "I'll talk to the doctors."
Feliks beams. "You better have some decent TV," he jokes lightly. Mathias laughs, but it feels too forced and too loud to seem normal. Feliks's face softens. "I love you," he adds quietly, and Mathias feels his heart breaking.
"I love you too," Mathias murmurs, pressing his lips against Feliks's forehead.
It's the last conversation they are able to have.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe…
Francis stares at Feliks's sleeping form. It's hard to believe that this is the man who dressed up as Pussy Galore for New Years and sent Ludwig's dog flying off the building with his drum beat. He looks weak…weaker than Francis.
Francis notices that it's only when Feliks is sleeping that one can see Mathias's true feelings. When Feliks is awake, Mathias is smiling, full of laughs and the way he normally is. When Feliks is sleeping, one can see the bags under his bloodshot eyes, the fact that it hurts even smiling because he isn't even sure how long Feliks has left. For all they know, it could be days. Or hours.
"He's going to get better," Francis whispers to Mathias as he leaves. Mathias barely registers Francis's words, too intent on wrapping Feliks with another blanket so he can stay warm.
It's been months since Francis has last seen Arthur. The pain is slowly turning into a dull numb feeling – aided only because of the drugs that he is taking more and more each day.
The mind churns, the heart years, the tears dry…without you…
Feliks smiles faintly to himself, lost in his own illness-induced delusional world. Ludwig turns to Mathias and Mathias stares back, his eyes seemingly forever bloodshot.
"I…" Ludwig doesn't know what to say. What to say to his former best friend, whose boyfriend was now dying on the bed in front of them. This sort of thing never happened in his new life, the life he had with Feliciano.
Mathias smiles at him weakly and the two of them embrace. Ludwig is not one to show emotion, so he is struck with how much sadness Mathias is exuding. Ludwig pats Mathias on the shoulder before letting go of him, nodding curtly and exiting the house. Ludwig finds it difficult to swallow and discovers a few drops of tears on his face.
When Ludwig visits Francis at the Cat Scratch Club later that night, he is shocked to see how frail Francis is becoming – and how thin. Ludwig realizes that Francis is starting to look more and more corpse-like – and wonders whose fault it is for that.
Francis seems to be hurting almost as much as Mathias; hurting over Francis… over Feliks's worsening condition. The two of them always did get along very well, being the boyfriends of two best friends.
When Francis coughs, Ludwig is immediately alarmed. He suggests that the Frenchman go to a doctor, to which Francis refuses. Ludwig knows he shouldn't be so concerned, but Francis is an ex and a friend of his. Ludwig wonders how Arthur is faring.
Life goes on…but I'm gone, 'cause I die…without you…
Feliks is getting worse. Mathias watches as Feliks tosses and turns, tears streaming down his face, his temperature rising higher and higher yet goosebumps line his arms as he shivers involuntarily.
Mathias climbs into the bed with Feliks, wrapping his lover with his arms, holding him close. His body heat doesn't seem to help Feliks, but makes him fall still. Mathias wipes away the tears from Feliks's face and kisses him fully.
Feliks's hazy eyes seem to clear for a few moments and a peaceful smile grows on his face. Although he has lost his voice, Mathias knows what Feliks is trying to tell him.
"I love you too," Mathias whispers, feeling tears prick at his eyes. Feliks lets Mathias cling to him, kissing his face all over.
Without you…
Feliks knows his time has come. He knows Mathias knows this too. He lifts a shaking hand and caresses Mathias's cheek lovingly. He wants to tell Mathias to stay strong for him…and to stay fabulous in his place, but he feels too weak to do so. Feliks uses the small amount of strength he has left to lean in and kiss Mathias's face for what Feliks feels will be the last time.
Without you…
Mathias holds Feliks, praying to God to not let Feliks go like this, to let him stay and be with him for longer. His tears fall onto Feliks's face and he wipes them away, not wanting to get Feliks's beautiful face soiled.
The light in Feliks's eyes is growing dimmer. Mathias knows it is time. He kisses Feliks's face one last time as Feliks's eyes close and his body stops moving.
Without you…
Mathias holds the body against him and lets out the anguished sobs that he has been hiding these past few months as Feliks's heart stops beating.
In Gilbert and Arthur's loft, the phone rings. Gilbert's not home to answer the phone so it goes automatically to voice mail.
"Speak!" Gilbert and Arthur's voices say on the outgoing message. There is a beep.
"Gilbert Beilschmidt~ Ivan Braginski – Labour Day weekend!" a child-like voice sings out. "In East Hampton on the beach – just saw Alec Baldwin, told him you said hi…" he giggles. "Just kidding! We still need directors, you still need money – I know you need money! Pick up the phone~ don't be afraid of the sound of money! Gilbert…sell us your soul…" Ivan sings out in his child-like voice. He giggles again. "Just kidding!" there is a pause.
"We're waiting…"
A/N: Feel free to yell at me in reviews if you must xD My heart was breaking as I wrote this - it was an incredibly hard chapter to write. ._.
Review please? I know I always end my a/n's with this but I really do mean it. This story has a special place in my heart and I would really like to know how many people are still reading it and like it - it gives me motivation to write these chapters faster. So please, even if all you have to say is "!" or "I LOVE THIS!" or even "You suck, stop writing", please review because it means the world to me. :)