The Order of the Phoenix. A secret club for people who actually believed the crap that came out of Dumbledore's mouth. Or in the case of one Sirius Black, it was either join or have to deal with Death Eaters trying to recruit you whether you wanted in or not.
Harry and 'Loki' were not impressed. They had been having a decent summer in their respective guilds (with Loki converting Harry to the fun of blowing things up and setting people you don't like on fire, and teaching the other boy how to 'fwoosh' without a wand...which meant the Ministry couldn't track it) when Dumbledore somehow managed to drag them to an old house that had only recently started to be cleaned.
Needless to say they weren't happy about the fact, and Sirius had a rather amusing look on his face when Harry started talking specifics on how badly they were going to sue the Ministry for the fact he had been in jail for twelve years without even a trial.
And then there was Hermione, who was beyond upset finding out how Loki ended up where he was.
Apparently the fact he was a T.A. that confiscated her time turner only for it to be wreaked by Draco made her furious.
Of course Loki did not mention he fully planned to replace it with some spares the guild had lying around.
Though he had to admit, cornering Snape in an unused room and then setting him on fire was particularly enjoyable. Especially when the greasy-haired bastard spilled where he could find Voldemort.
Snape didn't know who this Loki boy was or why he looked like a younger Potter brat...but he did know that it was a very stupid idea to withhold information from someone who was not only part of the Guild of Darkness but had no hesitation whatsoever in melting faces off and setting you on fire with a smile on their face.
That being said, Sirius surprised him by letting the boy raid the Black family library for protecting his pup. Though he was confused as to why Loki mostly swiped any books on healing and countercurses.
On the plus side, because he rarely bothered with the really dark stuff, the Order didn't think to take the books from him. After all, what harm could there be from learning how to heal?
Of course had they know Loki often went into in-depth discussions on dark magic with Sirius' mother in her painting, they would have been far more worried.
Walpurga was just pleased that her disappointing son's heir happened to be suitably dark, even if he was a half-blood. She even directed him to the more useful books, so long as he made sure that Dumbledore never got his hands on them. Odds were he would destroy them if he did, or they would vanish into his personal library.
Considering it was either give the books to a half-blood that might actually make some use out of them and restore the glory of the Black family name, or allow the extreme pacifist to abscond with them, there wasn't much of a choice.
At the very least, she quit screaming nearly as much with Loki around.
"So let me get this straight. We're going to attack Malfoy Manor, set any Death Eaters and Voldemort on fire...and then when we capture any survivors we're making them doing paperwork in triplicate?"
"All while you serve papers forcing them to pay extreme fines for not being part of the guild and bringing down the name of Dark Lords everywhere. There's a reason why the Guild of Lawyers is associated with the Guild of Darkness. We don't like scabs, and unlike the League of Heroes we make sure they learn to either join the union or pay the price," said Loki flatly.
Harry shivered. He had seen the Wall of Scabs, which was held what was left of said fools in the Guild of Darkness while visiting Loki.
He was mostly waiting for someone from the affiliate Union of Multiverse Trolls to show up and bring him home. No point wasting his time when he could have someone who knew what they were doing drop him off.
"Remind me why I agreed to come with you?" said Sirius. Beside him was a worried Remus...but Remus was always like that, from what he understood about the man.
"Because you get to see your alternate godson set Lucius Malfoy's pretty blond hair on fire."
Sirius' eyes gleamed.
"That would do it."
"That being said, I did have the foresight to call in back up so they won't escape as easily."
"Back-up?" said Remus, hopeful for more guild members...right before his nose started screaming. He recoiled as the stench of death hit him like a brick. "What in the name of Merlin is that smell?!"
"Ah! He made it. You have no idea how pleased I was that he was here too," said Loki pleased.
Sirius' eyes widened comically as a cowled figure with pale white skin, green lightning tattoos above his left eye and glowing yellow eyes that didn't show even a hint of mercy walked up.
"This had better be entertaining. You have no idea how creative I get when I'm bored," said Richard.
"The scab known as Voodletort, or whatever the hell name he goes by is currently in the residence. Feel free to melt faces off or turn them into icicles to cool your drinks with while we make the entire place go up in a nice 'fwoosh'," said Loki simply. He spoke merciless psychopath very well at this point.
Richard almost smiled. In truth the only reason he came was because he was terribly bored at the moment.
"Everyone understand their roles?" asked Loki.
They all nodded. Sirius would keep Harry from being killed, seeing as how he was only slightly queasy about using fireballs on Death Eaters, Remus would rob the Malfoy library blind, while Loki delivered the papers and then killed or captured anyone left.
Richard was more or less there to verify that Loki followed all the rules of dealing with scabs and taking out any idiots who managed to escape Loki that weren't captured outright. Loki needed a confirmed member of the guild to confirm the deaths in order for this to be even remotely legal in the eye of the Lawyers.
Their main goal was to preferably set everyone who wasn't in their group on fire. Especially if their name was Malfoy.
Loki set his hand into an icy death before he charged forward crying "FOR PONY!"
Richard looked very amused as he joined him, having already made it impossible for those inside to escape via portkey, apparition or other magical travel. And brooms were so very easy to set on fire.
Loki waltzed right into the chamber where Voldemort sat, surrounded by his sycophants. In his hands was the paperwork drawn up by the Guild of Lawyers. Voldemort looked vaguely amused, unaware that Richard was hiding under the cloak ready to set them all on fire for no reason other than boredom. Or rip their skeletons out. Or turn them into ice cubes. Or attack them with reanimated house elves...on fire.
"Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Scab Lord Voldemort, aka He-who-must-not-be named, aka You-know-who. I am here to inform you that the Guild of Darkness is giving you a one hour warning before we level your hideout and any captured minions shall be henceforth placed under a level-five evil plot. Failure to meet registered Guild standards will result in the immediate termination of you and your 'Death Eaters', as is required by guild regulations. Any attempts to kill or otherwise harm the envoy from the guild will result in immediate termination and you being set on fire that will never stop burning, your current base robbed, leveled to the ground, salted and then all remnants sent to another plain where the souls of the damned will use it to dump their wastes," said Loki in a clear, official voice with his guild badge in full view of everyone.
It was clear he was only the messenger...for now.
"And what, exactly, is a level-five evil plot?" sneered Lucius.
Loki's blank expression didn't change as he said "Level-five is a special kind of hell in which the members of the guild dump all the paperwork that's normally allocated to rookie members and the victims are forced to fill them out in quadruplicate before filing them with the Guild of Lawyers, as well as act as test dummies for new dark spells of unimaginable pain. Surviving it guarantees a one-year reprieve for the victim provided they meet guild standards the next time they become minions or attempt to strike out on their own. Or if they're particularly stupid, to quit the game altogether to become cannon fodder the next go around."
"And what makes you think we're afraid of you, Potter," sneered Draco.
"Because if you try to attack me or waste the scant hour given, I've been given permission to incinerate, decapitate, castrate, boil alive, melt with acid, and otherwise maim anyone stupid enough to piss me off," said Loki as if he were commenting on the weather. To emphasize that he was being entirely serious, he raised his right hand and it erupted with a loud 'fwoosh'.
"How are we supposed to meet guild standards in... forty-five minutes?!" demanded Narcissa. She was a Black, which meant she knew full well how strict the Guild was. They had only given them an hour to instill a false sense of hope and to shut up the League.
"If you are only affiliated with this group by proxy and not by membership, you are free to leave and will not be punished," said Loki evenly. It was another thing that kept the League of Heroes from being more annoying than they already were.
Narcissa didn't even have to think about it.
"If you live through this husband, you can find Draco and I in the Caribbean," said Narcissa to Lucius. She had the house elves pack everything and left for the Black home on a secluded island, dragging a protesting Draco the entire way.
Lucius sputtered in fury. How dare his wife leave like that!
Bellatrix didn't say anything...until... "How much to remove the tattoo and become an official union minion?"
"You would need a member of good standing to vouch for you and pay a fifty galleon fine for the removal of the tattoo. If you wait outside I can see what I can do to arrange for you to be registered properly," he said promptly.
"Bella, what..." started her husband.
"And the death of your husband wouldn't hurt either. Coincidentally which one of you three tortured the Longbottoms into a coma?"
"I mostly made sure the brat lived," offered Bellatrix. She was a sucker for babies, seeing as how she hadn't know her damn husband was gay until after the wedding. It had been a blow to her pride and she had been sworn to secrecy on the fact after she was married to him.
"Right. Kill the other two and I'll help with the paperwork. After I send their heads to the Longbottoms."
Bellatrix didn't hesitate, despite being an insane bitch. She killed the other two and promptly walked out the door to where her sister was waiting for her.
"Any other takers?" he asked calmly.
Voldemort was pissed. In one fell swoop he had lost one of his best fighters.
"Crucio!" he snarled. The spell bounced off the shield Loki had around himself.
"You have just terminated the remaining twenty-three minutes you had left. Coincidentally allow me to introduce my colleague who has agreed to help level the place...Richard."
Seeing the realization come onto their faces as they realized how boned they were was particularly satisfying.
In unison, the two of them brought forth ice and fire into each hand.
"Now...do try to survive so we have some nice test subjects for later," said Loki with an insane expression on his face, scaring them more than his blank one while delivering the terms of the guild. This wasn't some bored bureaucrat...this was someone who planned on killing them all with a smile on his face and a song on his lips.
Bellatrix and Narcissa winced at the sound of screaming. It was better to wait until they were done inside and the wards broke than to try and leave without permission.
"So let me get this straight...you two are planning to either leave the country or join the same guild that ordered the death of your husbands...and you aren't complaining why?" asked Harry utterly confused.
"I'm actually a union member since I graduated Hogwarts, but I never found out he was a scab until it was too late. They go easier on you if you've kept your dues up to date, and only an idiot goes up against either of the guilds," explained Bellatrix.
"And I'm not stupid enough to deal with a member with the rank of Overlord when I never joined that damn club in the first place. And there's no way I was ever letting my son join it either."
"I'm confused."
"Every Black either becomes a member or is warned of the consequences of being a Dark Lord without joining the union. The Blacks have been paying membership and support fees for centuries, and it eases the way when we join. Why did you think it was so easy for you to join the Guild of Lawyers?" asked Sirius knowingly.
"He's part of that guild?" said Narcissa impressed.
"I have pictures of the Minister's 'Oh shit!' face when the guild came down on his ass for slander and fraudulent charges."
"...Are those skeletons on fire killing the Death Eaters?" asked Remus, watching from the window.
"Hey look, it's Peter!" said Sirius a little too gleefully as he watched the rat bastard run around on fire before his face burned off.
"Don't those idiots know stop, drop, and roll?" said Harry.
"He's using fiendfire and Overlord fire. It's not going to help much," said Draco a little numbly. Suddenly he wasn't nearly as angry at his mother for getting him out of there.
In the end they massacred fifty Death Eaters, ripped out Voldemort's skeleton and set it on his own minions before using an acid spell to turn it into some unrecognizable mush, and captured seven poor bastards who would be filling out all the paperwork and acting as test dummies for anyone who was bored.
And the entire time Loki was letting off an evil cackle that made Richard happy inside.
"Burn bitches burn!"