Korea! M*A*S*H 4077
SPECIAL EDITION! February 14, 1951
Good morning, everyone, and welcome back to M*A*S*H Notes! In this loving edition will come newer news, a few love notes to our Valentines and much, much more! Also, the report on how well the journalism award ceremony will be told by yours truly, Klinger the Genius, who purposely made this edition a day late (in order to save some supplies and to placate a sleeping colonel, I assure you)! As if you all will truly understand, but this genius will let you know how it was…if you would only understand the mind behind the man of a million escapes and schemes!
Even though I am just Klinger today (as Deborah the Judge was no good for the wondrous awards ceremony and no ideas have been really forthcoming), this mind is still at work. So, sit back and enjoy what we now have to offer from the camp with a million loves and kisses, but little in the VD department. Until the end of this edition, I give you…
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ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM COLONEL BLAKE
Due to the flu season that has swept through the camps lately (as well as all of you disturbing my sleep and not calling other colonels), there would be no announcement from Colonel Beckett about anything. M*A*S*H 8055th has been quarantined due to said flu and would probably be sending more word to M*A*S*H Notes when Colonel Beckett (as well as his cranky second-in-command, his head nurse and many, many others) have recovered. In addition, the colonel has sent a message saying that he will refrain from saying his few words until he can coherently send…well, anything of a word to a serious newspaper….which, by the way, is now rated second in Korea!
Klinger will naturally say a little something about his award sometime later (and a few other things that are supposed to be off the books, I'm sure), but we have a little more important things to worry about. The Officers' Latrine Bandit is still on the loose. Any tips will still be greatly appreciated. While the bogus ones have been sorted through and have calmed down, it is also very much valued that all of them be serious. Lieutenant Walker will be with us for a few weeks more (and we don't know when he'll leave for the temporary HQ yet), so I would ask that each one of you give your fullest attention. If I find that anyone fools around with his food or tent again will be sentenced to Army punishments as deemed by, well, Majors Burns and Houlihan. As for the Bandit…well, he's been doing it for a while, so I must say that this must stop too.
Next, for all those in the Valentine's Day mood, there will be the final installment of the lecture on VD in the Mess Tent at fourteen hundred hours (after my nap). All enlisted personnel and officers are welcome, but if I hear anything about Figure A married to Figure B and attracted to Figure C and Figure D having a great set will be kicked out and be peeling potatoes in the kitchen, regardless of rank, for a long time. I will not tolerate any latrine talk in a serious Army lecture that is supposed to enlighten the masses that seem to be on the ignorant side as of late.
Finally, the Valentine's Day Ball, which has now been approved by me just this minute, will be set for tonight after dinner, at eighteen hundred hours. The regulation masks and gloves, due to the flu, will be put in place, but there will be punch mixed by Igor (which is being shipped here as I speak), a special dessert from the cook, streamers, music and dancing. There will be a list with Radar for those interested in signing up to decorate after dinner, but we only need few volunteers. If there are none, then there will be no party. So, come quickly (by noon, I should say) and let this party come to be!
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Extra! Extra! Read all about it! WAR IN KOREA CONTINUES TO WAGE, RAGE AND CAGE US INTO THIS CAMP OF MANY HELLS AND MANY HOLES‼ MORE TO FOLLOW LATER IN THIS SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION‼
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Tent Schedules for Cold Weather
By: Corporal "Radar" O'Reilly
Women:
Tonight: Major Houlihan's Tent and Nurses' Tent #1
Tomorrow: Nurses' Tents #2 and 3
Thursday: Klinger's and Major Houlihan's Tent
Friday: Nurses' Tents #1 and 2
Saturday: Nurses Tent #3 and Klinger's Tent
Sunday: Major Houlihan's Tent and Nurses' Tent #1
Monday: Nurses' Tents #2 and 3
Men:
Tonight: The Swamp and Enlisted Personnel Test #1
Tomorrow: Father Mulcahy's Tent and Enlisted Personnel Tent #2
Thursday: Colonel Blake's Tent and Enlisted Personnel Tent #3
Friday: Motor Pool and the Swamp
Saturday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #1 and Father Mulcahy's Tent
Sunday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #2 and Colonel Blake's Tent
Monday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #3 and the Motor Pool
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SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT
~Another phase in the Chinese Offensive has begun, lucky number four! All units have mobilized to get through this offensive that the Chinese are giving us. While the enemy still holds Seoul and we're still fighting for it, there will be nothing more delightful than to have some peace in the compound. There has been nonstop wounded some nights because of the new phase and the weather has not been nice either.
~Yesterday, the Battle of Chipyong-ni also began. A mass assault of about eight thousand troops by the Chinese is now being contained by the 23rd Regimental Combat Team (also known as the 2nd Infantry Division) and the newly fashioned French Battalion.
~There is a rumor of more UN Forces coming in for a blockade, but that is that for now: a rumor. More information will always be given when we get it, but when it does…beware! We might have a drop in supplies for a while, as well as this newspaper!
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SOME NEWS FROM THE HOME (AND WORLD) FRONT
…because we all need a little cheering from home, even if it's been a little bad lately.
~On February 6: A "Broker Special" train crashes in New Jersey, leaving eighty-four dead and not reports of those injured. On the same day, Paul Harvey, a radio commentator we all know and love, is arrested for trying to sneak into a top-secret place west of Chicago. While reports vary as to what was in there (this reporter thinking it has something to do with nuclear weapons we all know and love too), it's been said that security will be beefed up in there, regardless of what's there.
~On February 9: For those sports fans, we have heard that the St. Louis Browns sign up pitcher Satchel Paige‼
~On February 10: For those BIG music fans who have been following the charts, it's been said that the song "John & Marsha" by Stan Freberg peaked at number twenty-one‼ And this reporter will be trying to get a few records to pass around if the chance comes.
~On February 11: In Ghana, the Gold Coast (another country we all don't know before we came here to Korea), some guy named Kwame Nkrumah won its first parliamentary election since their country's freedom. This reporter is sure that the country is in Africa, as some are clamoring for freedom, but cannot be sure. Tune it for more details!
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A Desperate Man: The Saga Continues Onward
By: Yours Truly, Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Some weather we are having, right, folks? You may have noticed my absence from my chronicles of getting out of this Army as of late (been busy getting that award and all), but I have a very good reason: this newspaper! You'd never think that there was a lot of work that went into it. It's a never-ending nightmare to keep up with this horrible war and your drama, but all worth it for your amusement and entertainment.
I do not have a past story or anything that got me captured, but one that will happen. However, right now, I am on the edge of escape! We're in the middle of a winter heat wave, unusual for this time of year, so I decided to put on my best gear for my journey back home: a parka, boots, homemade hat and mittens from my mother. And of course, there are the lovely long johns loaned to me by the always-beautiful Captain Hawkeye Pierce, who got them back and was happy to lend them to yours truly in order to leave this place.
By the way, Captain, when I get home I promise to ship these right back to you without charge! This plan is sealed to work!
I think this is the best answer to the problem at hand. Not my President's Day or Statue of Liberty outfit, those that never got me out, but just the opposite…literally! During my attempt, I will, of course, keep track of this paper but in the event I leave, I leave these duties to the one and only perfect company clerk, Radar! He's the closest thing we have to an actual newspaper organizer with all he does with the unit's operation already and will keep you updated on the antics of this camp and more with the war.
Will I get out? Or will Colonel Blake keep me here until my sanity can no longer handle it? Stay tuned…or just wait for the colonel's screaming head, which is coming because I mentioned another escape from here (with him sleeping and all). Whatever comes first!
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"Take Back Seoul" Raffle Update!
By: Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
Even though we are anxiously waiting for the news about Seoul, the raffle is officially over and the tallies have been counted. We have also estimated over five hundred dollars have been donated in the name of the orphans and there have been promises of more. However, materials have been already ordered and volunteers are needed to get the roof on and food ordered. As of today, Father Mulcahy and Sister Theresa are knees deep in trying to keep these wonderful children out from underfoot as they get their needs in order.
There will be a sign-up sheet in Radar's office space for those volunteers in getting these two people help! There are no limits, all are welcome and children are always fun to play with. So, as Seoul reminds in the enemy's hands (and we don't know where to send paperwork to HQ), we can now salute the two most important people in this camp who are doing more in keep the "human" in "humanitarian". Thank you, Sister Theresa and Father Mulcahy!
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The Sermon of the Week: Methodist
By: Father John Francis Mulcahy
As promised to Klinger and the rest of the fellow Christians in our unit, I behold to you a brief look into the sermon for this week, which will be Methodist. I promise you that I will do my best, as always.
Sermon
Prelude: "We are God's People"
Call to Worship
Welcome/Announcements/Prayers
Pastoral Prayer: Unison Prayer of People
The Lord's Prayer
Sermon, "Everyone": Acts 2: 42-47
Hymn: "Oh, Church of God, United"
The Lord's Supper
Benediction
Congregational Response
Postlude
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From the Mess Tent
By: Private Igor Stravinsky
It will be brief this time, as I know this will not go over well (and there's no sense complaining about it). This week's menu, all week long: liver or fish
Do not kill the messenger. And don't cause another scene, Captain Pierce!
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Trapp's Movie Review
By: Trapper John McIntyre
In light of our recent new rules about seeing those of the opposite gender and busy OR sessions (as well as a ban on my new poll of the best lips, hips, etc.), I have decided to review on a movie with a babe of an actress that we all know and love: Lauren Bacall. That's right, the voluptuous beauty who is married to the one and only Humphrey Bogart. And might I say that he is one lucky guy to be hitting that every night! That husky voice…those green cat eyes of hers…but I'm getting ahead of myself now. This is a movie review and not one of our newest nude magazines with women playing volleyball. But wouldn't it be nice if she was in it? The war will be over for me right then and there.
Ok, now that we have Trapper's fantasies out there to the amusement of our lovely nurses (and there are many I would love to see after this supposed party tonight), here we go. This week's movie: "Young Man with a Horn". The title is something that can be interpreted both ways (sorry, Father), but the review will be fair, to say the least.
The basic premise is good. A young man, who is played by some star named Kirk Douglas (who is pretty…well, innovative to me), experiences what we would call life. He experiences the highs and lows of his career, combining the darkest points of his life, but also the happy ever after that we all love and rely on in Hollywood, especially here in beautiful Korea.
Bacall plays his lovely wife…and that's where is ended with me. In all honesty, I was only paying attention to that beauty when she hit the screen and ignored the character Douglas played for the most part. Rest of the movie would have been better if she was in every scene possible. Aside from that, there is a bit where our main character is on a drunken rampage which may upset our Major "Ferret Face" Burns, since he recently cleared away even a teaspoon of alcohol, even in the offices (like he's going to stop this movie).
Just as a warning though: Do it all away, Frank, and I will promise you a day you will not forget! Henry, if you are reading this, please get your colonel self back onto Earth and back into the cabinet, not your bed. We are in desperate need of your leadership, which Frank is lacking.
By the way, before I forget, come one and all, come by the Swamp and watch a rerun of this movie. God knows we have nothing better to do. Hawk and I decided on a movie party before the Valentine's Day party (Frank, you're not invited, so go to Hot Lips' for the night).The fun starts at four this early evening sharp, so bring any type of drinks you can (if you get my drift).
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ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM MAJORS BURNS AND HOULIHAN
Anybody, and we mean ANYBODY, who attends this party in the surgeon's tent this evening will be facing full military punishment. All alcohol has been banned from the camp (regardless of what Colonel Blake has said in his sleep, recovering from his trip) and all partying has been regulated to what has been announced. All other activities are illegal and will be subject to the fullest terms of punishment.
And because Colonel Blake only been around to edit his announcements and has gone back to sleep since his return (and will not be available for talking still), this newspaper is subject to our editing pleasure from then on out. As you've noticed, the article concerning the awards ceremony for Klinger has been taken out, as well as some notes to "Aunt Sadie" and to those they love in camp. Because it has been considered indecent, perverted, un-American and unmilitary, it will NOT be featured until fixed to our liking.
We thank this camp for its patience in our command and for following the new regulations.
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM KLINGER
NEVER, in all of my life, has been a pervert and considered so indecent not to put something as trivial as an awards ceremony posting in MY newspaper. I do appreciate the Majors being so kind as to take place of Colonel Blake in watching out for this newspaper and pointing out its mistakes and grammar, but I will say this once and never again to you two officers: HANDS OFF‼‼
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MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP
Dearest Oak Leaf,
I long to hold you in my arms…but duty always calls and I am never available to see you at that typewriter, so busy keeping us in the right and with General Barker next to us. For now though, I will console myself in seeing your blonde hair drift in my dreams and your hands massaging my back as I write these reports to General Barker and some letters to my wife.
With all my love, Peachy Cheeks
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My dearest Nurse Lawrence of Arabia,
I must say our date tonight was splendid. We had everything that we've ever wanted: Oreo cookies, wine, some rare books and a picnic down by the minefields. I've had a great time in exploring your almost stork-like neck, the pug nose and those wild blue eyes that told me to go swimming in them. I could not help but enjoy your quiet company, the words carefully chosen and the hair that whipped in the most perfect manner. Even discussing books, your favorite being the nickname of my dreams, was one I could never forget.
There was more I could say, my darling, but the censure Nazis are about in the most un-Communist part of this country. Just meet me tomorrow night at the same place and we'll have another night. Just bring some more blankets and we'll be ok.
Love, One Desperate Captain
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DEAR AUNT SADIE
Dear Aunt Sadie,
I don't understand what this censorship thing is. I've been submitting notes to this newspaper, only to find out that they are unable and most unsuitable to be published. I thought that I was born a country full of freedom. But to find that, in a country that we are helping to overcome Communism, I am still being suppressed still, finding me hurt and confused. How can I avoid this in the future so that I can have my words published in your fair newspaper?
Sincerely, Confused and Dazed
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Dear Confused and Dazed,
Aunt Sadie's heart bleeds with tears. I understand how you feel about feeling censured and left out when your words mean something to you and others, but will offend those of another nature. It has been my duty to deny a lot of your notes and dreams because of this problem and it hurts me as well as you. Personally, Aunt Sadie is happy to see everyone's great thoughts, but there is a way to avoid your notes and announcements being sent back because of censorship.
Tone down on the words of endearment. Some people can get away with the poetry of their notes, hiding being a more subtle meaning, but others cannot because it is too obvious. Try to follow along those lines. Show that you care about that little someone, but be decent, good and civilized. Use good language and do not use nicknames of other items or profanity unless you know that nobody will understand you. Follow the typical guidelines of what can be published in a newspaper too, to ensure that it will go through.
Try and be good, my Dazed and Confused one. While this reign of terror cannot last much longer (indeed, Colonel Sleeping Beauty will wake up soon), it will be back to where it used to be, where our Freedom of Speech will be available (even in a country we help) and hopefully, it'll be in our own country too.
Love, Aunt Sadie
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WEATHER
Today: Sunny, but it's been icy and muddy due to the sleet and slush we've had from the day before. High will be about thirty (if we're lucky).
Tomorrow: Same as today, but might be a little warmer. High will be around the freezing mark (thirty-two), but it's going to turn into freezing rain come evening.
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Well, everyone, thank you for coming into this special edition feeling loved and greater than ever before! While I am saddened that, at the last minute, things have been edited or taken out completely, it's been a great edition that will get around the world surely, once word gets out about my genius and how this newspaper idea has been done in the middle of Korea. I feel that I am still in love with being the creator of M*A*S*H Notes too! It might as well be my date tonight, it is so popular!
While I am in no mood to being a woman for a change (and that is a rare feat indeed!), an escape attempt is in order, love notes have been sent out and our hearts have been sent away from Korea. And in the middle of this chaos that will end when Colonel Blake comes out of hiding, we salute the flag, come to roll call and stick our tongues out in mock respect. This is Klinger, a rebel now against the suppression of Freedom of Speech, getting off the wagon of politically correct!