Chapter 11 - Paradigm Shift
WELL, my duckies… you completely overwhelmed me with your amazing reviews for the last chapter! There is a quote it brings to mind: "You never know what book you wrote until you know what book people read." - Michael Lewis. I very genuinely thought people would hate chapter 10 (listed as 13 on FF). So… thank you for letting me know about your experiences and thoughts, you banished some of my insecurity about my approach to writing it. I also LOVED that you had so many questions, which I do my best to answer and post on Tumblr so everyone who is interested can know.
Chapter 11 may be a satisfying transition? Chapter 12 is the final memory-heavy chapter for awhile. We gotta get back to the present day plot sometime, eh? Spring. Pitch. Memory veil mystery. And so much more. ;D And how are all these new revelations and understandings from the memories going to impact everyone!? Mwahahahaha… I have so much fun. ^_^ *prances around*
Oh wait, I can't end the author's note there, on a giddy high note, when this chapter starts off kinda depressing. Hmmm… REMEMBER HOW BAD JACK FELT AT THE END OF THE LAST CHAPTER! Loss of hope. Silence. Darkness. Got it? OK, read on...
-ROTG-
Bunny hated it. Every look and word. So painful. And the moment he watched himself fully brake through the cocky, defensive shield and basically stab the kid where he was already deeply, endlessly wounded, causing him to think such thoughts… he had never desired to undo something so desperately.
Was that really him?
Was he really that brutal and blind? Could he not see for just a second that Jack's words were of frustration and sorrow and a sad attempt at self-preservation? Had it been beyond his comprehension, that having been abandoned for centuries just might wear down a kid's self-worth to the point that all that would be left is a weary self-loathing and a fragile shell to hide behind?
No, he had only thought of his own ego, of his prejudice. And so he had lashed out against petty criticisms and in return… there was really no other word for the way he realized Jack had felt. He had tortured the winter child. Emotionally beat him down and kicked him while he was defenseless.
A child.
He had seen it clearly this last week, that Jack still had the heart of a child.
A child of greater wisdom then they, it seemed.
A child Manny had specially chosen to be with them. For them to care for. To learn from.
A child who had known nothing of companionship and care for hundreds of years.
A child who somehow still had a generous and compassionate soul, despite these things.
A child who was all alone in the world.
And he had intentionally rubbed these unfortunate circumstances in, intimidated him, reaffirmed all the negative thoughts relentlessly eating away at his gentle spirit.
As the memory faded to white, Bunny saw only black.
-ROTG-
The white eased back slowly and they were each alone within their own minds. Senses and emotions seemed duller in comparison with the world they had just experienced, a connection with things within and outside themselves suddenly gone.
For a long, long moment, no one wanted to open their eyes or move.
The sound of her own heartbeat echoing in her ears eventually brought Tooth fully back to the moment. As existence itself seemed to normalize, her face crumped at the raw pulses of grief flaring through her frame. She finally faced the task of opening her eyes, and had to blink several times to get past the blur of tears. Rolling her aching body into a sitting position, she immediately saw her fellow memory travelers in as bad a state as she was, propped up on large cushions on the floor of the globe room. Sandy's head was lowered and his small hands were pressed tightly to his eyes, slightly darker lines of sand down his face evidence of his weeping. North didn't even bother to cover his face, sitting slumped over as large drops soaked into his beard, his eyes dull and unfocused.
Bunny was just lying motionless in a tight ball, face hidden. She might have thought him still unconscious if she hadn't known the memory had dissipated. North's whisper brought her focus back to the large man.
"He saw us as… as... and we… hurt him. Like monster." And that's exactly what North felt like right now.
North realized that none of it- not bedrooms or surprises or toy designs- could ever really make up for how they had made him feel in the beginning. Those wounds were cut deep, and it would take more than a few token gestures to heal the lacerated soul that was their Jack.
As North looked up slightly at this realization, his gaze fell on the sleeping form of the winter spirit, lying on his stomach slightly curled around a cushion. Tooth and Sandy followed his gaze.
The sight of Jack, who they had last seen in such a tense, terrified, dark place, now completely relaxed and content in slumber was jarring. None of them could bear to make a move towards his resting location.
Glancing up from his work, Phil noticed their upright forms and approached, talking in yetish- but his words slowed into silence as he saw the broken looks and lack of reaction all around. He glanced at Baby Tooth, hovering over his furry shoulder.
Now would probably be a good time to wake Jack up.
The tiny fairy zipped over to the sleeping face, chirping softly in his ear and rubbing a miniscule hand on his cool skin. It was barely a moment later when dark lashes lifted from pale cheeks and Jack smiled at Baby Tooth. She gave him a worried expression and glanced over her shoulder at the Guardians, and the winter spirit bolted up, earning a startled jolt from everyone but Bunny, who remained completely still and curled in on himself.
Jack was horrified to see tear tracks on all their faces, and even more alarmed when they broke eye contact and seemed to hunch further inward.
This was way worse than he had imagined- had it really been that bad or shocking?! Of course it was, they probably felt so judged and insulted by what he had been thinking.
He jumped to his feet and rushed to explain.
"Whoa, whoa, I know that was totally messed up, but before you get more upset- I think… I think you need to see the rest. That was a really bad stopping point."
Silence. None of them were even remotely interested in reliving more of… that. The yawning void that constantly pursued him as he ghosted through life Unseen. The relentless loneliness and sense of worthlessness that tugged him back and forth from desperate action to defensive apathy as he could neither forget his desire for companionship nor achieve it. And the surprise twist of his fear of them- their judgment and their intentions towards him- that he fought against with anger and resentment and criticisms hidden behind a faux smile. Tooth marveled that she had ever thought this would be fun. Jack's next words broke through her self-critical haze a little.
"We did end up here together in the end, remember?" Jack gave them a hopeful smile and tried not to feel discouraged when their faces and posture didn't change. He clenched his hands together, anxiety for his new friends rushing through him.
"Look, I know a lot of what I thought was wrong. Totally wrong. I realized that once I got to know you guys even a little bit. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that."
North gave a shaky sigh, closing his eyes in pain. "You are not one to apologize for conclusion jumping to us, Jack."
Tooth sniffed and swallowed. "And you weren't wrong. Not really. Not about… about the children. And us."
As Sandy signed a face with X's over the eyes, Tooth nodded. "Totally blind."
"We have not kept Oath in way it was meant to be," North concluded.
Bunny remained silent and inert. Very, very unlike himself.
Jack was worried and confused- they thought his warped thinking had been correct? He knew better now- that they were not cruel, but kind, generous and self-sacrificing. He knew their intentions had been good, even if the execution at the time was a little off.
As he looked at the way grief seemed to have settled on their forms, he could only conclude one thing: his own thoughts and feelings that they had experience directly must have rubbed off somewhat, and stuck with them even after the memory was over. They couldn't really be questioning themselves, right? Because he certainly didn't, not once he learned the truth.
This is bad. Really bad. There was no Wonder or Hope or anything happy here. This was a time for Memories, not just Fun. Resolved, he walked quietly over and rested a hand on Tooth's shoulder. Argh, he hated to see her crying.
"Ask to see how I got to really know you." His tone and words were at their gentlest. As she bit her lip, he grinned. "You're all still lying on the floor, anyway."
Whether it was a sob or chuckle that escaped her, the violet eyes did brighten slightly and she rested her hand over Jack's. She could do this. For him. They all could.
"Jack," inhale, "How did you get to really know us?"
-ROTG-
The transition into the memory seemed much smoother this time, easing from the white to a world full of additional senses and feelings as if waking from a dream into crisp reality. The Guardians braced themselves and remained silent.
At least North wasn't tossing him through a magic portal. Apparently he was content with the more conventional (and preferred) method of simply walking him out. Which was great, because with the ordeal now (apparently) behind him and his freedom in proverbial sight, a little scenic detour through Santa's workshop was a definite high note to end on. Jack had accepted his fate. And he planned to simply enjoy it as much as he could. It's what he'd been doing for 300 years, after all. The additional clarity he had gained today didn't change much really, he reflected.
He was feeling a little bad about being so harsh on them (well, maybe not Bunny), especially if they were just following the Man in the Moon's orders. His mood was a little more charitable now that the whole thing was over. North, though oblivious and pushy today, had always been a bright spot in Jack's memory, and he didn't want to leave on bad footing and motivate the Guardian to make their rare encounters even more rare. As they descended in an elevator, Jack tried to smooth things over a bit.
"Nothing personal, of course. What you all do, it's just, it's not my thing."
"Man in Moon says it is your thing."
Hm, maybe North was still sore about Jack's rejection… the thought barely registering in his mind as his senses went into overload with all the cool stuff and fun things and activity and color and toys that came into sight as they moved away from the elevator.
"Slow down, would ya?! I've been trying to bust in here for years, I want a good look!" Jack couldn't keep the grin off his face.
"What do you mean, bust in?" Huh, North really didn't know.
"Oh, don't worry, I never got past the yetis." And look who was standing right there! "Oh hey Phil." Yup, the yeti was still annoyed at the arrangement they had. Too bad, he thought with satisfaction.
"Keep up, Jack, keep up."
This was amazing! The yetis were making toys! He had always thought they were just security and operational management. But this was way better- on each work desk was some of Jack's own permanent ice that North had sculpted, and the large furry creatures were delicately crafting replicas, surprisingly careful in their efforts. So many fun looking things everywhere, he just wanted to explore them all… He imagined for a moment what it would be like to receive one as a gift, but immediately shut that thought down before it was fully formed. Best not to dwell on it.
"I always thought the elves made the toys?"
"We just let them believe that." At the large Guardian's whisper, Jack couldn't help grinning as a small group of elves decorated- and electrocuted- a member of their group. "Very nice, keep up good work!"
This was hilarious, North was one funny leader. And watching the Guardian correct a yeti on paint coloring and seeing that he was as blind to that creature's frustration as he had been to Jack's, somehow made him feel better.
Jack's imagination went into overdrive at the sheer possibilities for mischief that this combination of elves, yetis, jolly boss and massive factory presented… oh he was definitely sneaking back in here. Now that North had officially 'invited' him in, there was no keeping him out.
And then North led him through a doorway that was… not an exit? But the room it revealed was fascinating. At least half of the chamber was made of ice and snow. Instead of clearing it away, North had worked with it, sculpted it, made it part of the defining character of this place- it practically sang with life and purpose. This living Winter resonated deeply within him, and he could see bright memories and moonlight and energy woven into every crystal and flake. There was a multitude of the permanent ice sculptures which had been worked to harness the magic in the material, capturing ideas and intentions and giving form to the shape and movement of those ideas.
Was this North's office? What did that mean- why was he showing it to him?
"Fruitcake?"
He was trying to be hospitable before he showed him the door? Nice, but not necessary, big guy. Shouldn't be eating this week, anyway.
"Uh, no thanks."
Pfft, did he just throw that thing?
Jack's focus and confusion sharpened, however, as North cracked his knuckles and spoke seriously.
"Now we get down to tacks of brass."
What… did that mean? Goodbye?
As the door slammed behind him and locked, he crossed that option off the list. Turning back to North he felt a spike of fear at the intense look and intimidating stalking that was quickly erasing his personal space. Before he could remember his own rule about showing weakness, he found his back pressed to the door, his eyes wide and heart hammering.
Okaaaay, apparently this wasn't over. Round 1 was Bunny. And North was going to provide a powerful Round 2. Jack bit down on a stab of genuine disappointment.
"Who ARE you, Jack?"
N-nobody?
Oh wait, what did North want him to say? A Guardian? NOT a Guardian?
Depending on what the point of all this was. A moment before he had been under the impression that they were dismissing him: point proven and lesson learned, not a Guardian- no need to carry on with the 'trick' charade that was meant to teach him this. Or for the alternative possibility that they had been serious about him joining on Manny's orders, he thought they had accepted his rejection of their demanding, unappealing offer (in fact, in this scenario they were probably secretly relieved, as Bunny pointed out).
It was still unclear, though- which of these games was the Moon playing, and were the Guardians themselves even aware? Were they wanting him to claim he was or undeniably wasn't a Guardian?
He wished North would just speak plainly, this game had long ago ceased to be fun.
"What is your Center?" North practically growled.
Apparently that wasn't going to happen. Recovering himself, he pushed back verbally in frustration.
"My Center?"
"If Man in Moon chose you to be Guardian, you must have something very special inside."
OK, first of all: Personal. Space.
Second, special? He scoffed. No. But he guessed the conclusion that they did want him to be a Guardian was the accurate one? Or… this was more reverse psychology? Argh, this was too confusing. Jack gave up. Just see where this is going… play along. He mentally sighed.
But then... there was something tugging at him, telling him to pay attention, to listen… something about North's earnestness. Complete and honest. His full focus, both gentle and adamant, made Jack think maybe the older spirit was somehow genuinely trying to help him. To show him something important. Maybe North knew something Jack didn't that would make things... better somehow? For some reason the numbness eased slightly and he found himself trying to follow and understand the lesson, as North got out a wooden nesting doll.
A prickling feeling, similar to the sensation of warmth being rubbed back into cold hands, eased through North's heart as Jack was finally able to open up- just a crack- to the real intentions behind his host's actions.
"Here, this is how you see me, no? Very big, intimidating. But if you get to know me a little," North thrust the doll into his hands, "Well, go on."
North's conviction that this was going somewhere was clear, so Jack warily set aside his staff and followed the large man's prompt to open the wooden figure. Jack wondered if North remembered their bonding over a Matryoshka doll a previous time, when he was a new spirit a few centuries ago. The memory was precious to Jack, and made him want to try to please this holiday protector he had once looked up to. Besides, this was kind of like a guessing game, it could be fun...
North sighed as he realized that this memory Jack referred to, with the Matryoshka doll in his early years, was obviously another forgotten one for North… he was anxious to get them back so he could understand the full reality of his relationship with the winter boy.
Seeing the first doll inside, Jack had to smile. "You are downright jolly?"
"But not just jolly!" As he continued opening the next sections, the winter sprite made a real effort to follow North's 'teaching'. Things aren't as they seem? Appearances are deceiving? Learn a little more about people before judging? "I am also mysterious. And fearless. And caring… and at my Center…"
Out popped… something that didn't seem to fit the rest of the series.
"There's… a tiny wooden baby." Jack rubbed his head wearily- he was tired of trying to decipher unclear intentions and messages. Why was he doing this, again?
"Look closer. What do you see?"
Trying not to get discouraged or give up on the challenge, Jack did look closer. "You have big eyes…?"
"YES!" That was it, he got it right!? "Big eyes, VERY big eyes, because they are full of Wonder." For a few moments there were no thoughts at all, just an awareness of North's large, warm hands wrapped around his shoulders. Gentle and safe and confusing. The world normalized as he was released, and Jack had to smile at the enthusiasm of his 'teacher' as he continued his explanation. Frustrating as this beating around the bush was, he liked that North was trying to help him figure it out on his own, and that the Guardian seemed to care so much about helping him understand. Like he was worth the attention.
North's heart ached and he wished he could break into the memory and wrap the boy up in a hug that would erase all doubts about that for the next 300 years, at least. No words needed to accompany the emotions from the other Guardians to tell North they would join him.
"That is my Center. It is what I was born with, eyes that have always seen the Wonder in everything. Eyes that see lights in the trees and magic in the air!" As they moved back out into the hallway and Jack once again took in the glory of North's amazing factory, these words were beautifully illustrated in every detail of the place and his creations. Jack found himself stepping closer to the Christmas Guardian, realizing he didn't want quite as much personal space as he had a few minutes before. "It is what I put into the world, and what I protect in children. It is what makes me a Guardian."
Oh.
Jack stared back down at the little doll in his hand. A Guardian. That's how this all tied back.
"It is my Center."
He could see it now- whether the intention was to truly encourage Jack to be one of them or to show him he wasn't, North was using his own example to demonstrate how to think about it.
"What is yours?"
He was either showing the younger spirit that he thought Jack had a special 'Center', too, even if he wasn't good enough to be a Guardian like them. That Jack could still find his own way in the world, and that was okay.
Or showing that he understood it would be hard to change, but trying to help Jack figure out how to fit their Guardian mold, by applying this 'Center'. Maybe… maybe he could? For a moment Jack believed, against his own instincts that challenged Their Way. He was beginning to think it could be that they actually did want him to join them, as daunting as that was.
But Guardian or no, like the best lessons, it left Jack with more questions than answers. Because he really… couldn't answer North's query. What was he? What did he do for the world and its children, other than entertain a few of them?
His previous confidence faded somewhat. He would do things 'his way,' huh? What was that, even?
"I don't know."
The insecurity was eased somewhat by North's kind look as his massive hand closed Jack's thin fingers around the tiny doll, a gesture of confidence that he would figure it out. Jack couldn't help feeling both vulnerable and grateful as he smiled slightly up at North.
Sandy sent North an approving mental pat on the shoulder. Tooth also chimed in, voice carrying her relief and affection, "He was so confused. But you helped him see that that was alright and he could figure it out. Helped him keep trying. Thank you, North."
The moment was over, however, when Bunny hopped up and told them there was something wrong at the Tooth Palace. Jack could see the real concern in the Pooka's expression and it gave him pause- he remembered that look from long ago, and it made him remember that Bunny did, in fact, care deeply about certain things, even if Jack wasn't one of them.
Still, this was his cue to depart. Besides… better to leave before he was too tempted. The idea of belonging to this group was sounding slightly less bad, but he didn't want to forget why that was not a good idea. He had been nothing but confused this whole time, and North's kindness was hard to resist. It would be so easy to just pretend and go along with it.
But as their recent conversation had just pointed out, he didn't know what they really wanted, let alone what he himself was or how he was useful- he just had years of anecdotes. He didn't know how they fit together. And to be perfectly honest… he didn't think he could be what the Guardians would want him to be, even if he did decide to do things differently.
And he wasn't going to just pretend.
But then North grabbed his shoulder and started marching "To the sleigh!" obviously intending for Jack to come along. After a few steps distracted by the touch, Jack shook his head.
Ohhh no, this was not his deal, and he remembered North's sleigh. No, thank you.
But the big guy wouldn't listen, so Jack's protests continued as they marched into what appeared to be an ice tunnel filled with bustling yetis and elves.
"I told you, I'm not going with you guys! There's no way I'm climbing into some rickety old… sleigh."
Massive doors were opening and Jack could already tell this wasn't what he had been expecting. When had the reindeer gotten so huge, and when had the sleigh become so AWESOME!? There were levers and gears and rockets and a navigation globe that told the story of powerful machinery expertly applied to make this vehicle fast and very fun to drive. As the glossy wings and runners snapped into place and the benches in the back popped out, objections were completely overruled in Jack's mind and there was only one conviction left: he had to try this thing out.
"OK, one ride, but that's it." He hopped into the back and could already feel the tingle of excitement beginning to travel up from his toes as he began inspecting the details of the sleigh up close as North and Bunny bantered.
And as they took off down the tunnels made of ancient ice with its own mysteries and laughter, it was so very worth it. No more complicated lessons or life decisions. Once again, he was just Jack Frost. On the rollercoaster ride of his life. Made all the more perfect by the fact that Bunny seemed to hate it. North was a crazy mad GENIUS!
They could feel the old reckless abandon return and the blinding flare of joy- of Fun- radiating through him, making everything bright and alive again. And as that combined with awe when they shot into the air and the arctic landscape spread out beneath them, Bunny looked past the despair he was struggling with and found even he, in that moment of Jack's happiness, loved the sleigh.
Ooo, idea!
"Hey Bunny, check out this viewwhooooa!" Jack let Wind carry him off the back of the sleigh and flip him right up beneath it moments later.
The wind rider snickered as he hopped onto the runner beneath the sleigh. The Pooka was probably even more nervous after watching someone get blown overboard. It would be fun to see how he would react. Maybe he wouldn't care, or maybe he'd be grateful Jack was no longer riding with them, or maybe...
At first he was a bit surprised that Bunny seemed upset Jack had gotten whisked away. Then he couldn't help assuming a delighted smirk and super casual pose when the rabbit mustered up the courage to peek over and see what had become of him.
"Aww. You do care."
He was teasing, but a small part of him was also grateful for the concern, when he had expected to be ignored.
"Aw, rack off, ya bloody show pony!"
Yes! Grumpy Bunny was fun!
At the moment, Bunny didn't mind this thought even a little. In fact, he was shocked that Jack had wanted to engage with him at all after their last 'discussion,' and was immensely relieved that he had not ignored Jack when he pulled this little stunt. Immensely relieved he hadn't reinforced the message that Jack was invisible, inconsequential and unwanted.
North took them through the portal to the Tooth Palace, and suddenly the air was swarming with black… things. Jack could feel the way they moved through the air, an unnatural and unsettling spirit presence, darting and twisting in bizarre movements. He could hear the little fairies before he could quite see them.
As they came close enough, he could see disturbing skeletal black horses consuming the smaller spirits and a shock of horror ran through him.
"They're taking the tooth fairies!"
He jumped from the sleigh, horror now overshadowed by anger at the violence towards these gentle little beings who had always been appreciative and kind to Jack when they had happened to pass him. He snatched the only one in reach from the jaws of an approaching beast and dropped back into the flying vehicle, cradling her.
"Hey little baby tooth, you OK?"
He smile in encouragement and felt a warm glow at her brave smile and nod in return. He found her mismatched eyes- both bright, one purple like her mistress, one as blue as Jack's own- strangely endearing.
Tooth felt a flood of adoration for the winter spirit as he not only saved her little one, but cherished her. And she had never thought of it before, but what a charming thing for Jack to think when noticing Baby Tooth's unique eyes.
As they entered the mountain, Jack wasn't sure if he was more impressed with the extraordinary hanging palace or the sleigh's ability to navigate in such tight and twisting quarters.
"Here, take over!" Jack was shocked and delighted when North handed him the reigns. The Guardian was trusting him to drive his sleigh?! Alright! His fondness for the man went up exponentially at both the FUN and North's implied confidence in him. He didn't care at this particular moment that he was definitely getting sucked into their team thing...
Then his heart fell in self-disappointment when he became distracted by the discovery of black sand and stolen teeth and he nearly crashed the flying vehicle. Really? North had asked him to do one thing, and he messed it up?! Typical.
But these thoughts flashed by in an instant and were quickly banished once he saw Tooth and her distress. As the other three Guardians rushed to her side, consoling, Jack stayed below, not wanting to intrude in the delicate moment as an outsider. He smiled as Baby Tooth buzzed out of his hoodie and flew over to her queen, glad he could bring a little consolation from afar.
As he watched their reunion, a smooth and seductive voice Jack distantly recognized suddenly seemed to resonate from every surface.
"I have to say, this is very, very exciting. The Big Four, all in one place. I'm a little star struck. Did you like my show on the globe, North? Got you all together… didn't I?" The gloating in the Pitch's voice as he appeared was mean rather than playful, Jack decided. He didn't like it.
Wait, wait.
They really weren't kidding about the Boogeyman?! Did this mean… whoa!
They really were trying to recruit him! After all, why would the Moon or the Guardians bother trying to teach nobody Jack Frost a lesson if they were dealing with a much bigger threat?
With that realization, everything snapped into place. The offer became more tantalizing- because it was real and they weren't going to use his acceptance against him. And it became more terrifying- because it was tempting him intensely, but would change him, what he believed in doing. And he couldn't banish this expectation that he would fail terribly, anyway… Because what would change by simply adopting the title of Guardian? They didn't understand what it was like to be him, didn't know what he was capable of, what he had done, and how often he messed up. But they would eventually and then it would all be over. Why had he been chosen, anyway?
They could only guess what he had been through, living invisibly under the veil this whole time, a new spirit with no guidance and no one to look out for him. But it wasn't hard to imagine that he would have made mistakes in his ignorance, and with no reassurance from anyone, internalized the guilt and let it eat away at his self-esteem until he couldn't see his own worth.
Even before this trip into his memories, they had seen his unconsciously expressed self-loathing. It was there in the little things he said, with a smile that made it worse.
Gaining someone's trust and acceptance was a terrible thing. He would come to care about it, but would then lose it and be much worse off than before. And other than the staff in his hand and the wind at his back, Jack had always lost everything he gained. Always.
Sandy's thoughts towards the others were strong and forceful, and though there were no words, the meaning was crystal clear.
They needed to pull out of their own guilt and depression and BE. THERE. For Jack. Right now they were all he had, and he should not have to face losing them to the pain of the past.
Pitch had continued to taunt them as Jack was thinking through these details, but the winter spirit's attention snapped back to the present when North demanded to know Pitch's intentions.
"Maybe I want what you have. To be believed in."
Jack's heart lurched in his chest. Pitch… Pitch was like him?
North scowled. Of course Jack would have felt this way, but… he didn't like that the lonely winter spirit was even in the position to draw the comparison between them, and empathy with Pitch was potentially dangerous. The boy was already so vulnerable and confused at this point. North was actually grateful that Pitch had pointedly brushed Jack off throughout this whole thing, had been too short-sighted to recognize an opportunity to manipulate. He felt a brief appreciation for the veil in this one instance. It made him wonder even more, however, about how Jack had gotten tangled up with the Boogeyman later during the Easter fiasco.
The winter elemental flinched at the sensation of the dark spirit shifting the air as he sunk from a physical presence to a shadow and back again. This interaction with the element was like having a bug crawling on him in one place, then losing it for awhile until it suddenly skittered over his skin in a new location.
The Guardians had thought Pitch's shadow act was creepy on its own, but this additional natural awareness was nauseating.
"Maybe I'm tired of hiding under beds!" Pitch's resentment was thick and accusatory in his tone.
"Maybe, that's where you belong!" Bunny retorted.
So... Pitch didn't know where he belonged, either. Jack's empathy for the Boogeyman only grew as Bunny rejected him.
Bunny's anxiety ratcheted up a couple notches as he realize he had basically set Pitch up perfectly for Jack to relate to. Thank goodness the Nightmare King hadn't picked up on it...
"Hang on. Is that… Jack Frost?" Looks like Pitch wasn't much better at remembering him than anyone else.
He wasn't sure what to do, with Pitch still in the shadows but focusing on him. He felt very vulnerable, but given the way this conversation was going, he kind of wanted to give Pitch a chance to make his case. He had never known Pitch was also desperate for companionship and purpose. If there was another spirit like Jack, who wanted to be believed in but couldn't… Maybe he knew another way? Or could figure it out?
There was just something about it that made Sandy deeply angry, that Jack had received the same plight Pitch had, but without cause. Jack hadn't deserved the isolation, and his intentions were consistently good. Pitch, on the other hand, created his own problems and it was a triumph of higher enlightenment when he was ignored. And Sandy knew very well that Jack's perception that their desires were also the same was highly inaccurate.
The mocking laughter ended with an amused question. "Since when are you all so chummy?"
"We're not." It was technically the truth, and Jack wanted Pitch to feel like he had an audience who was willing to listen.
"Oh good." Air shifted, and he spun around to face it. "A neutral party. Then, I'm going to ignore you. But, you must be used to that by now." He didn't have to guess how Pitch knew of his constant attempts and desire to be Seen. And he tried to ignore it but it still stung, that even someone who knew what this felt like saw him as inconsequential.
Jack's disappointment that Pitch had brushed him off shifted to astonishment when Bunny pulled him back, dashed in front of him and attacked the Boogeyman. The Pooka had probably just gotten tired of waiting, it likely had nothing to do with defending Jack… but it was still nice to be lifted out of a put down by someone else striking out against the insulter.
Bunny actually remembered that moment clearly. Earlier that evening, after North had left with Jack, Tooth had had some firm words for the rabbit, Sandy hovering beside her looking stern. But Bunny hadn't needed it- the moment Jack had failed to respond to his barb, his face shifting ever so slightly and unable to quite mask the hurt, he knew he had gone too far. He didn't pretend to know what Jack's life had been like, but he had known the sprite was constantly striving for attention. Word got around, especially in Spring circles. Unlike most spirits, Jack wanted recognition from humans- children in particular. That's why he knew those insults would be effective.
Too effective, though. And so he had worried to himself, and debated whether he should say anything. But then they were under attack, and it was all about aiding Tooth. Until that moment when Pitch- who Bunny hoped he never resembled in any way- touched the same sore nerve the proud rabbit had already rubbed raw and painful just an hour earlier. He could see it in Jack's body language even from behind, the way he shifted his feet and recoiled slightly as if struck. And the grey warrior felt the lash of guilt, and something else as he looked down at the slender boy. He wanted to shove Jack behind him and punch Pitch in that cruel mouth.
But Pitch did his creepy shadow thing and reappeared on a higher platform, an angry boomerang-wielding fairy warrior close on his tail, and it went from annoying to actually scary when one of the giant black horses lunged for her. As Baby Tooth flew back into his hood, Jack gripped his staff tighter, instantly willing to attack if aggression escalated toward either fairy.
As Pitch gloated about his corruption of dreamsand, Jack began to loose any patience he had previously had with the Boogeyman. The beautiful glowing gold strands that always created happy rest for the children and comforting moments for Jack- moments when the music came so easily- being used for fear and intimidation sickened him.
And then Jack heard a story he hadn't before. A story of the Dark Ages, long before he had been born.
"Ah, the Dark Ages. Everyone frightened, miserable- such happy times for me. Oh, the power I wielded! But then the Man in the Moon chose you to replace my fear with your wonder and light. Lifting their hearts and giving them hope. Meanwhile everyone wrote me off as just a bad dream. Oh, there's nothing to be afraid of, there's no such thing as the Boogeyman! Well that's all about to change."
That was Pitch's way? Make people so afraid they'd believe? He had known the shadowy spirit was creepy, but not this dark. It wasn't companionship and purpose Pitch wanted, it was fear and power- essentially destruction of what Jack wanted.
But perhaps the more important realization was that he had completely underestimated the larger role the Guardians played in the world. This was… this was much bigger, much more important than he had originally thought. This wasn't just about being believed in. This was REALLY protecting children, somehow shielding them from fear and darkness. He thought of North's explanation- he put Wonder into the world- and felt ashamed for his earlier words degrading the Guardians.
"Oh, look, it's happening already."
Jack looked around, disturbed, as the palace itself seem to begin disintegrating. "What is?"
Tooth's expression filled him with dread for the answer.
"Children are waking up and realizing- the Tooth Fairy never came. It's such a little thing… but to a child…" Pitch rubbed it in with dark glee.
Jack flinched at the thought of all those heartbroken children. But their immediate surroundings… he couldn't quite describe it, but it was like the energy and harmony of the place was growing fainter, leaving a sad emptiness behind in the stone and the pools of water and the very air itself. "What's going on?"
"They… they don't believe in me anymore." Seeing this fairy, recently so happy, vibrant, strong and kind, overcome by sorrow struck him as very wrong- downright painful.
But what did believing have to do with what was happening to the palace? He was beginning to get a suspicion as he looked up at Pitch with narrowed eyes.
"Didn't they tell you, Jack? It's GREAT being a Guardian. But there's a catch. If enough kids stop believing, everything your friends protect- wonder, hopes and dreams- it all goes away."
Jack stared at the Guardians as if seeing them for the first time. These beings he had so quickly rejected, they-
"And little by little, so do they." Jack looked with disgust at Pitch's happy tone. The implications were staggering. He could hear his heartbeat hammering in his ears as Pitch continued.
"No more Christmas, or Easter, or little fairies that come in the night. There will be nothing, but fear and darkness and me." Jack was frozen, mind racing through all the implications of the picture this painted and the sheer scope of the threat.
He had been so willing to judge, as the frustration with his isolation and invisibility grew year after year with his inability to replicate what the Guardians had achieved. And now, when what he had scorned was threatened, he realized with incredulous shock how... wrong he had been.
Obviously there was a strong symbiotic relationship between the Guardians and the children of the world. They were tied inextricably to each others' well-being. What the Big Four did- HOW they did it- was incredibly important to the children- all children, just as North had said when Jack had been too angry and suspicious to listen. There was a reason for Their Way. And they were risking everything to achieve it, even their own existence. They had a very important responsibility, it wasn't a purely self-serving impulse to be believed in.
As he began to imagine what it would be like for the children if the Guardians stopped Their Way, it made a painful impact. This was beyond terrible.
In light of this new context, he was the selfish one by comparison. All he thought about was having fun with children.
The moments when Pitch outlined this depressing future had been awful at the time, but the Guardians now found themselves grateful for Pitch's thorough and timely explanation. It was quite ironic that Pitch's appearance was the final piece of evidence Jack had needed to believe in the sincerity of their invitation. And it was even more so that the Nightmare King's own triumphant explanation of his vision was what had driven Jack away from him, helped Jack escape his misunderstandings and pulled him into the beginnings of appreciation for and alignment with the Guardians. The Boogeyman had chosen the perfect timing to make an example of himself- evil and threatening to the children Jack cared for- that allowed the Guardians to stand out as shining stars by contrast. Pitch himself had formed the alliance between Jack and the Guardians.
They almost wished Pitch was watching this, too, and realizing he had just sealed his own doom with his first move out of the gate.
"It's your turn not to be believed in."
That shouldn't be wished on anyone, certainly not the Guardians. Jack felt pure gratitude towards Bunny when he took the initiative to attack with this boomerang. He was coming to recognize this habit of the rabbit's, to attack first, especially when defending his team.
As the Guardians jumped from the platform in pursuit of Pitch, Jack only hesitated for one shell-shocked moment before he followed, intent on helping however he could, even if he wasn't really one of them. But the dark spirit was gone before they landed.
As North, Bunny and Sandy began talking strategy, Jack's attention was caught by a very good but very sad person sitting alone and defeated, having just lost everything. He didn't think he could do much at this point, but he could at least be there for her- so she didn't have to be alone at a moment like this.
Jack crouched down, almost tempted to reach out a hand. "I'm sorry about the fairies."
"You should have seen them. They put up such a fight." He felt terrible she had had to face that on her own- her home invaded and the helpers she cared for taken. And that wasn't all that was taken.
"Why would Pitch take the teeth?" In fact, why did the fairy keep the teeth once the exchange with the children was completed?
"It's not the teeth he wanted. It's the memories inside them." This was news. Memories in teeth?
"What do you mean?"
"That's why we collect the teeth, Jack. They hold the most important memories of childhood."
You know, maybe if he had listened to her when she had been trying to explain about what they did instead of criticizing them, he would not keep getting surprised by every little detail about how important they were. Well, he was going to listen now! He followed her across the water, freezing it as he went, listening to her continued explanation.
"My fairies and I watch over them. And when someone needs to remember what's important, we help them. We had everyone's here..."
Looking up at the painting of Tooth, receiving and protecting these 'memories', he realized nothing he had ever done was this significant. What did he know about protecting children? Certainly nothing at the scope of what these Guardians did. Anything he could do on a large scale tended to be destructive rather than productive.
And the loss of this important service to the children… it was-
"Yours, too." He felt her hand on his shoulder, a precious, real touch, but it still took a moment for him to pull away from his dread-filled thoughts.
"My memories?"
"From when you were young. Before you became Jack Frost."
What was she saying? His earliest memory was coming out of the ice and the Moon telling him he was Jack Frost. He remembered the confusion and loneliness of that first night well. There was nothing before that. Did she think he was something he wasn't? Her assumption made him feel a bit inadequate, and he hurried to correct her.
"But… I wasn't anyone before I was Jack Frost."
"Well of course you were. We were all someone before we were chosen."
She was calm and certain, and she had said she had his teeth from… before.
He had been someone before?
His whole 'life' he had never even considered… he didn't- how could this-
"What?" The knowledge that there had been something else and he had potentially forgotten everything was like realizing he had a giant hole in himself. A sense of sorrow and outrage at the loss ghosted through him, like a memory itself. But… but it also meant...
"You should have seen Bunny!" North laughed and the rabbit chastised him. Confirming Tooth's story.
"That night at the pond, I just, I- I assumed… are you saying I had a life before that? With- with a HOME? And a FAMILY?!"
His heart was aching and bleeding and falling and floating and choking him at the thought- was it possible he had once had everything he ever wanted?! All the questions and vulnerabilities and grief from a 300-year lifetime washed over him and it finally started to make some sense. There was something- he could- it meant-
The Guardians all remembered feeling sympathy for the anguished boy at the time, but it was nothing compared to actually experiencing the manic desperation in the thoughts and desires that flowed through him, feeding a long-withered hope… Jarring thoughts, cutting deep, echoes of centuries of the same unanswered anxieties. It was even more painful than experiencing his paranoia, despair and pain at their hands when they had tried to initiate him with no consideration for his perspective.
"You really don't remember?" She looked genuinely confused. Was he such a strange case?
Could this be what was missing, why he didn't know why he was here? He could feel the adrenalin coursing through every inch of his skin. Wellll, hadn't this just been a day of Jack-doesn't-know-anything-about-the-most-importan t-things-ever! This changed everything! He couldn't believe he never knew.
"All these years, these answers were right here…" His snuffed hope of finding purpose flashed into a brilliant white-hot flame, it's intensity mentally blinding. "If I find my memories, then I'll know why I'm here. You have to show me!"
He flew around Tooth in his excitement then headed straight for the wall and started flying up, ready to get his teeth without having any clue where to look in this giant place. No idea where he was even going, just that he needed to race there.
"I, I can't Jack. Pitch has them."
He didn't even for a single second consider that a road block, not compared to 300 years of useless searching with no leads. It was almost funny, actually, that she looked so concerned about it!
"Then we have to get them back!" It was simple!
Tooth's sympathetic expression switched to shock as a handful of iridescent feathers detached from her body and began to float to the ground. Jack's crazed determination melted into worry for his companion.
"Oh no… the children," Tooth exclaimed as they watched the painting on the wall fall apart.
Right, of course, this was much bigger than Jack Frost. He had forgotten for a moment. The chaotic energy and thoughts simmered down as he focused outside of himself again. They needed to help the children and their protectors first.
"We're too late!" Tooth's cry shot a spike of fear through him- they couldn't be, not now...
"No! NO!" North began swinging his swords in defiance. "No such thing as too late!"
Jack leaned forward, hoping, trying to figure out what North could be thinking.
"Wait, wait, wait wait wait wait. IDEA!" Hah, North was still North, determined and hilariously enthusiastic as he shoved a blade in Bunny's face, his glee unrestrained.
As North outlined his plan and the other Guardians surrounded their female team member with support, Jack was impressed by both the scope of what they were proposing and the unreserved encouragement and aid they offered Tooth. It was… really… really nice. They were a real team. Like a family.
Standing on his little cliff, the winter spirit was enjoying simply observing it. He took a deep breath, imagining he could absorb that warmth from here. He was just appreciating the return of Tooth's smile when suddenly their attention shifted to him.
"And, Jack, if you help us, we will get you your memories." And there was that kind-knowing smile again. And Tooth's little laugh, Bunny's bewildered look, and Sandy's approving two thumbs up. He felt a little skip of joy in his chest at the familiarity of them.
He was very relieved that the large Guardian was no longer insisting he immediately become one of them, offering him a transactional approach instead- teeth for memories. Because after all this, Jack was pretty darn certain he wasn't cut out to do anything at the magnitude of what they did. Yet North was still giving him a way to help them- which of course he had been planning to do, anyway. And the prospect of his memories was a very welcome bonus.
"I'm in."
Tooth mentally smiled. "That was very cleverly done, North, I meant to tell you. Getting him to help us without pushing for a commitment. Giving him that room. If only we'd tried that approach to begin with…"
"Yes, but…" North hesitated a moment trying to think how to explain. "We saw memories as minor thing, but to Jack… was everything. To use as bargaining chip was maybe…"
The unspoken doubt was left hanging as the memory quickly transitioned to their tooth collection efforts and they were carried away by Jack's experience. It was actually fun to remember all the antics.
The Guardians remembered being pulled into Jack's game, and enjoying it immensely as the first truly different and fun thing they'd done in a very long time. But being inside Jack took it to a whole different level.
It was quite possibly the best time he could remember ever having, this playing with a team. He felt like he was part of something, so alive and hyper and entertained and just… happy. He even thought Bunny was a pretty great guy, the first one to agree to play with him as they set out! Each new trick and move of the Guardians' was fascinating. The pain, self-loathing, horror and desperation, that had haunted him throughout the past day were completely out of sight, banished somewhere far away by the power of Fun.
A handful of things stuck out to the Guardians.
First, how very closely he watched them, and admired what they did. Tooth's effortless flying and easy intuition for where the teeth were, North's powerful pace and ability to fit through any chimney, Bunny's speed and ability to pop up literally anywhere, and Sandy's ability to match them all while just floating along and seizing opportune moments. They all delighted the boy with their variety as he observed them, fascinated. They felt how he was trying to adjust to everything, too- his thoughts focused on the fact that he had spent too many years at a distance, making assumptions about them from afar. Now, he wanted the truth, was open to understanding.
Then, how creative he was in choosing his own methods- he was very clever about playing this game. It was just a different game from what the rest of them were playing. He ended up more focused on interacting with them than on the single goal of collecting teeth. He would frequently intentionally target a tooth that was already being handled by another Guardian, or where he thought they would show up next. Trying to anticipate and meet them.
Finally, the gratitude that wasn't put into words in his thoughts, but was constantly there- gratitude for companionship. Gratitude that they were looking at him, talking to him. Gratitude that they were actually playing with him. Gratitude that they were coming together to help the children.
And the silence was long gone, too, an endless symphony filling the whole night in Jack's mind.
-ROTG-
Back in the present...
Phil was rather concerned.
First, the Guardians had woken up, apparently traumatized. Then, once they had gone back under, Jack was acting… eerily calm. He just sat on the floor, right in the middle of all his unconscious teammates, watching their faces for any sign of emotion, Baby Tooth tucked in his hood. His fingers were constantly moving slightly- tugging at his sleeves or running along his staff or curling and uncurling in the pillow he held in his lap- but other than that he was uncharacteristically still.
It almost startled the closely observing yeti when the boy leveraged himself swiftly to his knees, grabbed the cuff of his sleeve, and crawled to each Guardian, wiping any leftover tears quickly from their faces. As if he couldn't help himself, but didn't really think he should be so bold. His movements were jerky and distressed, but gentle. Remorse and tenderness were present in the lines of his face and the way he bit his lip. When he got to the furry ball that was Bunny, still tightly curled and face hidden, he hesitated. Then settled right beside him, one leg propped directly against the grey back. Thin white fingers reached out and gently began stroking the long ears. It was evident both Jack and the sleeping Bunny found this soothing, as both their tense postures relaxed gradually with the movements until Jack was lounging back against the other half of the Pooka's oversized pillow and the rabbit had uncurled enough for his face to become visible and his paws to flex out.
Phil smiled and was about to return to his duties, when he noticed with a jolt of alarm that a swirling darkness had begun to form on the floor beneath Jack. The yeti gave a startled cry and Jack barely had time to gasp and sit up before he was sucked down into it and both he and the vaporous portal vanished, leaving behind a stunned Phil, a distressed Baby Tooth and a wooden shepherd's crook, devoid of frost, spinning before it fell to the ground.
-ROTG-
Getting a little more bearable?
Who took Jack?! HAH, none of you will guess, mwahaha. :P Seriously, go ahead and try, I want to see what you come up with. XD
I had to watch these "memories" moment by moment, pausing the DVD as I wrote each line and paragraph, and I have to say… Jude Law (Pitch's voice actor) really does have a super seductive cadence. I became a little obsessed…
I probably spent 25 hours getting this chapter right. *curled in a ball like Bunny* And I can't say it enough- thank you so so much to DragonflyonBreak for the exceptional BETAing. The improvements are all thanks to her.