Shepard walked away from the intensive care ward with a painful lump in her chest. Kaidan's battered body was barely clinging to life in the room behind her, just hours after she had set her resolve to protect the people she cared about. The old fears nibbled at her yet again. Was this just the start? Would this war against the reapers eventually see all her friends picked off one by one?
Shepard checked herself. It wouldn't do her or Kaidan any good thinking that way. He was in the best place now and he had a chance, according to the doctors. The journey from Mars had been a tense time, especially as the hastily scrambled Normandy had no fully qualified medic on board. Together with Liara she'd had to cope by using their field Medic interfaces along with urgent calls through to local medical experts. They had kept him alive up until now but it had been close. Too close. She vowed to do better.
"So Shepard, Council next yeah?" Vega raised his eyebrows expectantly. "Tell those arseholes to get their butts in gear and go help our guys back on earth?"
"Not just yet James, I have to deal with something first. A personal matter," she added firmly as she saw the Lieutenant start to open his mouth again.
He humphed and nodded, "yeah well, don't take too long over it".
Time. She had so little of it. During her incarceration on earth it had dragged by, every minute had seemed interminable. And now...
Shepard exited the elevator and made her way to the nearest skycar lot, picking out a nondescript looking vehicle and turning off the local news broadcast that popped up as she shut the door over her head. Meaningless drivel about some new movie release and a new state of the art apartment block being unveiled in Tayseri Ward. Shepard rolled her eyes imagining how mad the rich kids in their plush new homes would be when they saw the Reapers descending on the Citadel.
Veering in and out of the heavy traffic she let her mind wander, rehearsing the words she would say to Thane. It would take some doing but she was sure she could heal the wounds of the last six months. Couldn't she?
Bringing the skycar in for a gentle landing she jumped out into the lot behind Zakera C-Sec HQ. As she walked through customs she passed the suspect interrogation rooms and recalled the bizarre game of good cop, bad cop she and Thane had played in one of them to squeeze a name out of that low life Kelham. He had squealed soon enough once he realised he was dealing with a Spectre.
But what if he hadn't given them a name that day? Shepard didn't want to think about it too much. It would have destroyed Thane to find his only child dead or locked up for life, simply out of a desire to emulate his absent father.
Shepard had tried all the usual channels, and even some of her spectre resources, to try and locate Thane's residence on the Citadel. They had turned up no record of anyone resembling the father or the son. The drell had obviously gone to great lengths to maintain anonymity; a sensible precaution considering how many grudge bearing enemies he might still have out there from his assassin days. If word of his illness had spread it would no doubt tempt some of then to get revenge.
Luckily though, Shepard had a workaround. She knew from her messages to Bailey that Kolyat was still helping out with the C-sec team in this area. Even if he was using another name, a drell of his description would be memorable to his colleagues. There couldn't be more than a couple of hundred on the whole station.
The Asari at the front desk took a few seconds to acknowledge her and Shepard could tell straight away that she wasn't going to be helpful.
"I need to find a young Drell. His name is Kolyat Krios but he is probably using an alias. He's been doing some work with homeless kids around this ward. Commander Bailey set it up a few months back."
"Right.. " the Asari said in a monotone voice. Her eyes scanned back and forth aimlessly across her console display, not seeming to take anything in. She turned back to Shepard. "Computer says no, no one like that". And then she yawned loudly.
Wow. Shepard leaned in close and grabbed onto the the woman's head tentacles, pulling them backwards and fighting the temptation to just keep on going and snap her neck.
"I'm only going to say this once," she spat, "I'm a spectre, and I'm in a hurry. Where is the Drell working?"
"Uh, " she cried out and scrabbled her fingers across the display. "Oh, yes here. He was given a position in our youth crime and rehab unit last year. He should be over in the Truson District, they've set up a temporary school in warehouse 71 on 546 Block." Shepard released her hold and the Asari immediately started to pout.
"It's the day they teach the filthy little gutter rats to spell their names or something. Don't really see the point if you ask me," she rubbed her tentacles. "Can you go now please? I have important matters to attend to." Shepard gave her an exasperated, open mouthed glare before stalking back to the skycar lot, shaking her head. Behind her the Asari racked up a another game of online Quazar.
Ten minutes later Shepard touched down in the only clear area she could find within 100 yards of the address she'd been given. There was no skycar lot here and no sign of any of the other conveniences that were commonplace on the Citadel. As she walked up the the exterior of the 'school' building Shepard didn't think she'd ever seen a more run down part of the wards. Even the keepers didn't seem to care judging by the state of disrepair. Graffiti was scrawled over every inch of wall, broken glass coated the walkways and an extremely grungy strip club was situated right next door. Ropey, middle-aged human women with ravaged faces leaned against the outside walls, wrinkled butt cheeks hanging out of their dancing outfits. A bleached blonde woman leered at her as she walked past, flicking out a tongue suggestively.
"Wanna have some fun babe?" the woman drawled.
"Uh, maybe later", Shepard threw back as she quickly made her way inside the abandoned warehouse that displayed a sign for 'Zakera YCRU'. The contents had been stripped out to turn it into a rudimentary classroom, with old cracked crates serving as desks. A mixed bunch of scruffy kids of all ages and species were hunched over some ancient looking tech.
Over in one corner was Kolyat, leaning down by a small human boy, patiently helping him spell out something on a battered old laptop computer. Shepard hadn't seen one like it since her early days back on Mindoir and that one had been a hand me down.
The small boy looked up and gasped, pointing excitedly at the Commander as she stood awkwardly in the doorway. Kolyat stood up, looking surprised but waved a warm hello at her.
"Commander Shepard?! This is very unexpected, please..." He ushered her away from the children to an adjoining room, piled up with more empty crates. In the dark Shepard spotted a stain across a far wall that looked suspiciously like blood splatter.
"Kolyat", she smiled, "it's great to see you."
"Likewise commander. How are you? I... heard about earth. I'm relieved to see you got out ok."
Shepard's smile faded. "Yeah, Earth got hit pretty bad. It's not looking good Kolyat." She swallowed and soldiered on to the real purpose of her visit. She had to know either way.
"Listen Kolyat I have to admit, I didn't come here just to say hi, I need to know, is… is he..." Her voice nearly gave out on her.
He placed a warm hand on her arm. "It's alright Shepard, my father is still with us".
She remembered how to breath again.
"But I should warn you," he continued, "the condition has progressed considerably since you departed. He tries to hide the worst from me but I can tell. The attacks are... more frequent. Shepard you may find him changed somewhat. Even with me he is more distant now."
She frowned. "What do you mean Kolyat?"
The drell sucked in a breath. "Just.. I don't know Shepard. It's hard to explain. He seemed happy, optimistic even until a few weeks back. Then after a bad attack he had when we were away from the Citadel, I... I think it shook him up. Now he can do little more than rest in case it causes another collapse but the inactivity, as you know, is the worst thing for his lungs".
"I understand." Shepard's gut started to ache painfully. It sounded like Thane did not have a lot of time left. "Don't worry Kolyat, I'm not about to drag him off onto the Normandy again. I just need to see him, let him know I still care."
"Yes, of course. He told me you two grew close on your last mission. Here," he brought up his Omnitool and sent her the address of a nearby hospital. "This is where he has his appointments over in Aroch Ward every morning. He is registered under the name Tannor Nuara. He should be there now if you want to see him."
"Thanks Kolyat. I appreciate it."
She looked back at the kids, half of whom were now away from their desks and talking in an excited huddle not far off from them. One of the larger kids whacked another round the head playfully.
"This isn't the kind of place I expected you to be working, isn't there anywhere more suitable for your classes?" She asked running a finger along a nearby container to find it was caked in oil and unidentifiable grime.
"No, I'm afraid not. The budget is limited. The technology is extremely basis, these computers should be in museums..." He picked up a battered laptop with disdain. "But the school for street kids over in Aroch ward doesn't even have this, they have to use pen and paper."
"You're joking?" Shepard shook her head. "How do these kids end up on the streets anyway? Don't their parents try to get them back?"
"Some are genuine orphans. Some are running from abuse and neglect in the home. Some get hooked on drugs and are kicked out. No two stories are the same. They are not safe on their own so they form units for security but it's not enough to protect them from the serious predators out there. And the Batarians..." His voice grew harsher. "They view them as easy pickings for their slave industries".
"And they all live on the street or in the vent systems? Can't some sort of housing be found for them? An orphanage?"
"It's been tried before but aside from locking them in cells like inmates it was impossible to keep them in one place. Any small window or vent grate is an exit for them. They are all running from something and they value their freedom. Anyway, there are barely the funds for this project. We could not afford the costs of a residential facility."
"I see. Leave it with me Kolyat, I'll talk to some people, see if I can get some better resources sent your way."
"Thank you shepard. Anything would help. My father assisted us here for a while, before his attacks grew more... frequent".
Shepard felt a light tug on her sleeve and looked down to see a grubby but cute little boy, around seven years old, with big green eyes and wild brown hair that curled in all directions except down.
"Commander Shepard, I'm Bug. Do you want to see my spaceship?! It's like your one. It's got all the upgrades and everything."
"Ok kid, let's see it," Shepard grinned after him as he disappeared at top speed off into one of the adjoining rooms. A moment later and he was rocketing back towards them.
"Here she is. She's called the Shepardess SR1 - she's named after you as you saved the Citadel when the massive space robot ship tried to kill everyone," he explained helpfully as he held up a battered old model of an old style Alliance frigate that had been decommissioned over a decade ago.
"I'm honoured!" She laughed, crouching down to take a look. "You have an interesting name Bug, how'd you get it?"
"Well because I'm small, I think, and because I listen good. Really good. I can remember stuff, every word but maybe not in the right order and also not the big words I haven't learned yet, but I will get them soon, Mr Nuara is helping us."
"It would go quicker if you all sat at your desks and got on with your work more," Kolyat smiled at the little boy and ushered him back to his desk. Bug took the hint and his shoulders slumped as he returned to the laptop he was sharing with three other children.
"You're doing amazing work here Kolyat" Shepard smiled at him.
"I have you to thank for this opportunity. If you hadn't intervened that day I..." He faltered.
Shepard put a hand on his shoulder. "You went through a rough time Kolyat. I'm just glad you were able to turn things around".
He smiled at her but if faded quickly and he started to look uncomfortable. "Shepard, when you see my father, it... may not be easy." He sighed deeply.
"Hey Kolyat it's ok, ten minutes ago I didn't even know if he was alive or not. All I want is to see him."
"Of course. It was good to see you again. Take care of yourself Shepard".
"Goodbye Kolyat. You look after yourself too, and make sure you send me though the details of your project."
Shepard headed to the Aroch Ward outpatients hospital with her mind in a whirl. Kolyat's hints at Thane's changed character had checked her. Was it just the progression of his disease that had altered him? It sounded like Thane's health was failing rapidly and this forced her to acknowledge the possibility that this might be the last time she would ever see him. The weight of pressure to ensure this went well was suddenly suffocating.
Shepard sat herself down in the corner of the hospital waiting room for the outpatients ward and instructed herself to breathe deeply. It was hard to stop herself fidgeting, she was so nervous. Glancing at her Omnitool she would move her finger down to activate it then close it up straight away, remembering all the urgent messages she was trying to ignore. She looked around the lobby instead. It was packed with turians, humans and a few asari. There was evidently a long wait to be seen by medical staff and an older Turian male with his hand wrapped in a bit of fabric was kicking off at the overwhelmed receptionist.
"I've been here three hours now, the Medigel dispenser is empty, I'm running low on painkillers, what the hell is going on?"
"We're short staffed sir, you have to wait your turn, I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do". The receptionist shrugged and turned away.
Huffing, the turian turned heel and right stormed past Shepard. With a sigh, she stood up and trotted after him.
"Hey, wait a minute. I have some Medigel. Here," she unwrapped the guys makeshift bandage and applied the mix of anaesthetic and clotting agent between his damaged scales.
The turian sighed deeply. "Thanks lady. Feels better already".
"Not a problem. Is this place always so busy?"
"Yeah, too many people living in this ward that's the problem. Lots of humans turning up all the time. Ex-colony hicks. No offence. Just that there's not a lot of room to expand down here."
"Well our colonists had a pretty rough time of it recently."
As Shepard turned around to go find her seat again she saw him. Thane was stood like a statue in the entrance to the main ward. He looked a little worn, leaner than she remembered and his posture was not quite so elegant. The circles under his eyes were a little darker too but otherwise he was unchanged from the drell she had left at the Citadel docking bay six months ago. His senses still sharp he had spotted her instantly and stopped in his tracks. A very odd look flashed across his face and she thought she saw him whisper something silently before making his way towards her steadily.
Shepard smiled warmly at him. "Thane... " but her carefully planned words stuck in her throat as she registered again the strange expression he wore. Like a child or animal wincing in anticipation of a painful blow.
"Shepard. It's so good to see you safe." He surveyed the busy waiting room, evading eye contact with her. "Shall we take this conversation somewhere quieter?"
"I... yes of course."
Thane directed her to the nearest exit and led her towards an empty courtyard area. A couple of nurses were smoking e-cigarettes behind the back of the EMT station but otherwise they were alone.
"I assume Kolyat gave you my location? I hope you were not waiting long, I'm sure you have much to do now the reapers have arrived?"
"Well yes, there is a lot going on but.. I had to see you Thane". She moved towards him but he shifted his position subtly to evade her touch, moving towards a nearby pillar. Shepard felt like she's just been hit by a cryo blast with her shields down.
"Thane, is... is something wrong?" She said flustered.
"I am dying Shepard. So yes, something is wrong. " He turned away, head bowed. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to... " he turned back to her, his eyes full of a deep sadness. "I saw the news reports from Earth. You were in my prayers."
"Thank you." She swallowed painfully. Her arms longed to reach out to him but his posture was braced against her and his eyes glazed; it created an invisible shield wall between them. Shepard knew she would be repelled and yet she had no idea why.
She gulped and decided to push on with their conversation. "How are you feeling? Are you getting the care you need down here? I'd have thought you might get better expertise up on the Presidium, the facilities at Huerta Memorial must beat those down here".
He shrugged. "I do not deserve any better than all these poor souls, none of them have the luxury of private health care."
Shepard sighed inwardly. If he was being stubborn about not seeking the best medical care it was doubtful that she would ever convince him to reconsider the transplant option. An idea she still clung to as a last resort.
"Thane." She could feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. "I missed you so much".
His facial expression flickered again but remained indecipherable. He turned away.
"Our time together was very intense Shepard, and I will always hold it dear. But those days are gone." He gestured towards the hospital building. "My present is a routine of long doctors appointments and resting as much as possible. I can no longer rely on activity to delay the progression, any kind of exertion can cause an attack. Things... cannot be as they were".
"I know that Thane. I accepted that when we first met, I .. "
"Did you honestly though Shepard? I can't help but think that out enforced separation was in reality a blessing. A time to regain perspective. My priorities are different now. I cannot be at peace here if I am constantly anxious for your safety or... anticipating your next message or visit." His eyes were locked on something in the distance.
Shepard felt as if she had just been shot out of the first Normandy again, free falling through the vacuum and gasping for breath. Was this really happening? She reached out her hand to his balled fist but only grazed his scaled skin as he quickly withdrew from her touch.
"Thane this is crazy. I want to be here for you. Yes I'll be running a tight schedule but I have a lot of duties on the Citadel, I'll be back here regularly. I can visit you, check in on you, this doesn't have to be..." she couldn't say the word. She reached over to touch his arm again. He did not pull away but she felt the tension in his muscles.
"I'm... so sorry about the last six months. I tried to send a message though. I thought I'd found a way but they had me on such a tight lockdown". She had not missed his dig about the messages. Her silence must have hurt him more than she had guessed. Shepard had to admit to herself she could have tried harder to reach him. It was fear that had made her wait. The fear of finding out that the worst had happened: that Thane had died while she was thousands of light years away and that she would never see him again.
Thane's tone became abruptly businesslike.
"There is no need to apologise. The past is the past Shepard. I have our memories together. That is enough. I confess I... no longer have the strength to see our tragic tale through to the final chapter."
Shepard swallowed down the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. He had clearly made up his mind.
"Is that really what you want?"
"Yes Shepard".
She blinked, her words and movements becoming mechanical. "Then there's nothing more to say. Goodbye Thane".
She spun round and strode towards the exit, forcing herself to keep her eyes forward. She couldn't look back.
As the top of her skycar closed over her head Shepard's bottled emotions exploded and she punched her reflection in the side door, leaving a fist shaped dent. She cursed herself for her indecision and cowardice. Thane had shrunk into himself and shut himself off, taking the lonely but less painful path towards death. If she'd just found a way to contact him sooner all this could have been prevented. She remembered vividly the moment Thane had offered to spend his last useful days with her, to lift her above the waves while the storm raged around them. Now he was facing a rapid decline he needed her in the same way. But she had failed him. And now it was too late.
The Commander slept badly that night. Shut in her cabin as the Normandy travelled towards the Krogan DMZ, Shepard's subconscious revisited the same nightmare realm that had been haunting her since they had left earth. In the eerie dreamscape of unhappy shades and dead tree limbs, she reached out her hand for the earth child and watched in horror as he was consumed in the cold flames before her. As the fire licked around her feet she looked down to see the ground beneath them start to give way, to crumble and fall into a great abyss. Shepard began to slide and far beneath her she could see another figure sliding, falling faster towards the chasm. She stretched out her hand but the distance was too great and all she could do was watch in horror as Thane's body plummeted into the great yawning blackness below.
Well, I seem to be getting wordier… or just waffling more! :) I had to split this chapter into 2 as it came to 6k+. Second part should be up later this weekend if I can stop myself fiddling too much. Thanks to people who have favourited / followed. It's nice to know that other people are reading my drell obsessed rambling. More soon depending on my stoopid migraines.