CHAPTER 14

For once, that night, Remus was the one shivering. Sirius kept his arms wrapped tightly around him the entire night. He wasn't sure whether Remus slept at all; his own sleep was fitful as he tried to stay awake comforting his friend. But finally, at about seven in the morning, Remus's breath deepened and he seemed to fall asleep.

Sirius lay in silence next to his slumbering boyfriend for two hours before biology demanded that he get out of bed. He carefully climbed out of the pushed-together twin beds and headed for the bathroom. After relieving himself, Sirius descended the stairs to make coffee, perhaps to have a bit of breakfast in bed ready for Remus when he woke up.

John Lupin was sitting at the kitchen table, and their eyes met cautiously when Sirius entered the room. John said nothing, so Sirius went to the coffee maker and began to prepare breakfast for the sleeping werewolf.

"It's my fault," said Remus's father, out of nowhere.

Sirius had been staring at the dripping coffee of the Muggle device, but he turned at John's words. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. Sirius could even see the threat of a tear forming at the corner of those familiar amber eyes.

"What is?" asked Sirius.

"Everything," said John with a dejected sigh.

There was a pause.

"You know about Remus's . . .?"

"Lycanthropy?" prompted Sirius. "Yes."

John nodded.

"That's my fault," said John, his voice nearly cracking.

Sirius stood still, shell-shocked and confused. He waited for John to elaborate.

"It's my fault Greyback went after him. It's my fault. I made Greyback angry, and he took his revenge out on my little boy," said John, and at these last words, the tears spilled over.

Sirius didn't know how to react. It was difficult enough for him to know how to comfort Remus, but to comfort Remus's father? And did John Lupin even truly deserve comforting?

"It's my fault Linda's sick, too," sobbed John. "I'm the one who's smoked like a chimney for thirty years, and yet she's the one who's dying of the smoker's cancer."

Sirius still said nothing.

"Why do we always hurt the ones we love the most?" John wondered aloud.

There was a pause as John's tears subsided.

"Some Christmas Eve," muttered John, wiping his eyes.

Sirius chuckled a bit at that. John offered him a wry smile and then sighed.

"Take good care of him, all right?" said John. "I'm going to go for a little while. You boys have a good Christmas."

Sirius thought he might ought to stop Remus's dad from leaving, to let him know that it wouldn't be Christmas without at least one parent present, but he didn't. John pulled on his coat, grabbed a bag that was sitting by the front door, and left.

The coffee was finished, so Sirius put together a tray of breakfast for Remus, who was probably still snoring away in the bedroom. But when Sirius entered the room, Remus was sitting up in the bed. Sirius paused in his tracks. He felt some obligation to tell Remus what he'd just learned from John, but another part of him wanted to keep quiet.

Finally, Sirius decided to just give Remus his breakfast. The blonde smiled tiredly at him and took a sip of coffee, leaving the rest of the meal untouched. Sirius perched on the edge of the bed.

"Your dad said he was leaving for a few days," said Sirius softly.

"Oh," Remus replied.

Remus continued to drink the hot coffee, and Sirius reached over and grabbed the muffin, taking a bite since Remus obviously wasn't going to.

When the coffee was gone and Sirius had devoured the rest of the food on the tray, the boys lay together in silence. Sirius was resting his head against Remus's shoulder, both of them deep in thought. Remus turned his head and kissed Sirius's silky black hair.

"Make love to me," whispered Remus.

Sirius lifted his head, gazing into Remus's eyes.

"What?"

"Make love to me," Remus repeated, rolling onto his side to face Sirius.

Sirius stared at him. His insides were filled with butterflies of excitement. Sirius loved what he and Remus did, he enjoyed it more than anything he'd ever done before, but something about experiencing Remus in that way was more than enticing to him.

"Are you sure?" he asked breathlessly.

Remus leaned forward and kissed Sirius gently on the mouth.

"I love you, Sirius. I love you more than anything. Don't say it back just yet," Remus said, interrupting Sirius's response.

Remus smiled.

"Don't say it yet. I want you to mean it," said Remus.

"But I do-"

"All right, I want you to understand it," Remus amended.

Sirius nodded silently, and Remus kept the sad smile on his face.

"You're what anchors me," Remus said quietly. "I want you to make love to me."

SRSRSRSRSRSR

Remus could see the hesitation in Sirius's eyes. Sirius didn't want to hurt him, that much he knew, but all Remus wanted at that moment was to be as close to the man he loved as he possibly could. He wanted to feel love. His father didn't love him. And his mother . . . well, Remus didn't want to think about that.

Remus gave Sirius a nod, and Sirius cautiously climbed on top of him. Remus felt lips against his throat, his jaw, his face. Sirius was kissing him and using his hands to touch every inch of exposed skin. Stormy grey eyes were nervous and excited. Sirius kissed his lips.

"I do love you, Remus," whispered Sirius.

Remus gazed at him.

"Even if you're right and I don't understand what it means, I love you," Sirius said.

Remus nodded. He felt Sirius's trembling fingers tug at the waistband of his boxer shorts. Both of them were hard already, and Sirius's hand ghosted along the length of Remus's cock, making him gasp a breath. And then, the fingers carefully moved further back, touching Remus's entrance but only very lightly. It was a foreign feeling to Remus, having something want to push in rather than out, and it made him nervous, but he pushed his hips toward Sirius to encourage him on.

It was a slow process, for Sirius was obviously worried about hurting the werewolf, but Remus coaxed him with soft, reassuring words. Finally, a finger was gently pushed into him. Remus tensed. Sirius hissed, his cock twitching against Remus's thigh in anticipation of what was to come.

"In my trunk, in the bag with the toothpaste and such," whispered Remus.

Sirius nodded and stopped for a moment to retrieve the lubrication Remus had procured before the holidays. Twisting off the lid, the bottle was poised next to Sirius's rock hard erection.

"You're sure?" Sirius asked.

"I'm sure," said Remus.

Remus watched him pour the lubricant all over his cock, spreading it around with his fingers and then wiping them on his discarded boxers. Sirius bent toward Remus, spreading his legs and wrapping them around his hips, gazing down at Remus like he was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. The look made Remus blush.

With his hand, Sirius guided his cock forward, pushing just the head into Remus's passage. Remus tensed.

"Relax, darling," whispered Sirius. "I haven't done this before, but I know it'll be easier if you relax."

Remus nodded at his words, but his body was reacting of its own will against the invader. Sirius pushed forward ever so slowly, and Remus closed his eyes, trying to see through the uncomfortable feelings and find the pleasure underneath. Sirius's muscles were trembling as he fought to stop his body from pushing all the way into Remus's tight body.

"Are you okay?" asked Sirius in a strained voice.

"Yes, I think so," Remus replied.

Sirius nodded, bending down to kiss his lips as he pushed forward again. It wasn't pleasurable yet, but Remus was desperately craving sensation, the pain of Sirius's cock, the feeling of Sirius's lips, the love bubbling over in his heart. Any sensation but the thought of his mother . . .

No, not that. Remus traced the strong arms of the black haired young man on top of him. Sirius was pushing in and out carefully now, but the thrusts were becoming less patient.

"So fucking hot and tight," whispered Sirius. "I'm not going to last."

"I love you," Remus blurted out.

"Merlin, Remus, I love you," Sirius cried.

Very soon after that, Sirius thrust forward hard, spilling himself into Remus's body. One more slow thrust, and he collapsed. Remus could feel the pounding heartbeat, the hot skin. He kissed Sirius's neck and shoulder.

They had made love.