Chapter 14

I was sitting in the tree outside my old bedroom window when Charlie pulled up in the cruiser, I wasn't stupid, I knew I couldn't talk to him but I needed to see him. My throat burned as I watched him and I knew this wasn't a risk I should be taking, not with my father's life on the line but I needed to see how he was, I needed proof that I'd done what was best for the both of us and watching him now I wasn't so sure. His shoulders hunched, his feet dragged, his whole demeanour reflected that of a broken man and I suddenly felt compelled to talk to him, apologise, explain. I had to. I needed to or else he'd be this forever just like I was now stuck as I was forever. He needed to know as much as I needed to tell him, get it off my chest. I couldn't have lived as a human any longer; I couldn't cope with the fear, the pain, and the memories. It had all been too much, it was still too much but at least now I had something inside me that longed for something more than I had longed for Edward and the past. My blood lust. The one thing I'd hated about being a vampire before, the one thing I should hate now was saving me. When I'd turned I'd kept my memories, the pain was amplified and I hadn't really come to terms with it until now.

But needing something controlling you to be able to survive is a big thing to take in, could it be replaced with anything? Could I have found a better alternative? And what would happen if I finally managed to control my blood lust completely, would I have to find something new to focus on?

It was raining now, I was soaked, but I didn't care instead of moving I simply leant back against the tree and watched my dad slump around the house silently and absently. The television was off, no sound came from the house except his shallow breaths, he was the shell of the man I'd known. He'd always been quiet but this was different, this was my biggest regret but I couldn't change it in order to keep him safe I had to keep away. I understood this more than ever now, getting mixed up with vampires didn't end well, not for yourself or for the ones you loved. My own life was still gradually falling apart and it had all begun with vampires but his didn't have to, he could move on, live again. Go back to the way thing were before. Before I came to Forks and changed things, and before I ruined everything.

Even to my own mind my thoughts seemed melodramatic but there had been other options, I could have avoided this, I could have tried to make it work. As I sat in the tree coming up with options that wouldn't have worked in action even if they did in theory, a truck pulled up. The stink filled my nostrils and made me want to gag but I didn't move, I didn't care or know what it was. The rain was bouncing off me now, me and my clothes were too waterlogged to absorb anything else.

"Bella." The name didn't take me out of my trance. I could have just ran away, sent him letters, that would have been better for him, and mum. "Isabella." I should have tried to explain to him before I'd left then he'd be okay now, he would have understood. "Bella Swan." The tree shook. I could have pretended to just move away and found a way to communicate with him while a vampire. There was a warm body next to me, a scorching hot body, my nostrils flared and I raised an arm to slash at whomever or whatever had broken me away from my self-loathing thoughts.

"J-Ja.. Jake." I stammered out, shit. This wasn't meant to happen, how would I explain this? Charlie couldn't know, I could do this to him again. I didn't get a chance to say anything though because Jacob started his own speech.

"You can't be here Bella. It'll kill you." He told me. "You are not safe here." He spoke in short sentences as if he were telling a small child not to run into the road, as if every sentence needed a minute to sink into my mind. "If you kill someone I can't and won't protect you, I can't do it anymore."

"If I what!?" I shrieked, horrified at the idea; images of the girl I'd drained before flashing before my eyes. I saw the smirk on Jane's face, and the girl's limp body in my arms, the excitement and thrill of feeding. Would it have been better if I hadn't enjoyed it; if I hadn't loved it?

"I know what you are Bella, one of them. A bloodsucker. Charlie doesn't deserve to his daughter as a monster, he's better off not meeting you like this." I was stunned into silence, how did he know? Why did he stink and why didn't I want to drain him?

The main thing on my mind though, the thing that currently powered me and drove me as I launched myself at him, was anger. How dare he tell me I was a monster. I hadn't meant to kill the girl, I didn't want to kill Charlie; I just wanted to live. I wanted to be happy. In less than a second we'd hit the ground and Jake wasn't Jake anymore, before me stood a wolf baring his teeth and growling.

My instincts took over, fight or flight, and once again I did the only thing I could, the weaker thing. I took the last resort of a predator. I ran. I ran as fast I could toward Alec, toward my new family, my new home, my new protect and my new love. I needed him and I knew in my gut that he'd save me no matter what the consequence and at the moment being saved was all I could think about because I knew I couldn't take on Jake, not alone.

Author Notes: Ta Da! I had mock exams. For once I actually have a valid excuse.