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WARNING! CHAPTER 12 IS DRASTICALLY CHANGED; PLEASE REREAD BEFORE YOU READ THIS!

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When it burns

Chapter 13

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Rey looked like shit. What exactly had gone down I had no idea, only that it had something to do with Ozuma. As per usual breakfast had been waiting for me when I returned from my customary run, pancakes, homemade bread, you know; the standard, much appreciated Rey Kon luxury breakfast that no one but him could make. If only because of his cooking I would have kept him had I been Ozuma. Then again he was obviously a jerk, so there you go.

"I can´t believe it is actually true!" Rey mumbled, looking positively crestfallen.

His hair was all over the place, and he had dark patches underneath his eyes. In other words; he looked like shit. Despite myself I actually felt genuinely sorry for him. He was a good natured, caring guy, and he was a friend, even if I was not exactly a peoples person. The fact that he was willing to put up with my moods and occasionally heartless behaviour did produce at least a sense of gratefulness on my part.

In a way I suppose Rey maintained some sort of stability in my new life after grandfather´s death. He was always there, always friendly, always watching my back, whatever that entailed. It was reassuring in way, especially now that I had the whole CIA situation to deal with. I was going there again on Monday, to talk with their psychiatrists. I tried to tell myself that it would soon be over, in a couple of weeks time, but still, it felt like eternity.

"Have you ever been cheated on before?" Rey sullenly asked me, fiddling absently with his fork.

I looked pointedly at him, unimpressed.

"Thought not", he grumbled.

Naturally self-pity didn´t sit well with me, but seeing as it was Rey I was willing to at least keep him company in his self-inflicted misery. Not that sulking would score any points with me, but I could still sympathize with him; at least a little bit. Add to the fact that I was inwardly relieved I could focus on other peoples problems rather than my own. In comparison Rey´s love life was a walk in the park.

"Maybe you could pay him a visit?" Rey suggested hopefully.

"You know, smash in his face and all that?"

Apparently Ozuma had fucked some other guy before it was over with Rey, and despite the fact that this had happened some time ago, Rey had heard it from Max the day before yesterday. Max had in turn heard it from some jerk I had never met, and he again had been told by one of Ozuma´s friends. Needless to say I hated this kind of he said she said stuff, but being uncharacteristically patient I had merely zooned out on the whole thing the moment he started explaining it.

"Oh….I´d so love to see the look on his face if you did!" Rey ventured on, grinning evilly.

With a sigh I leaned back in my chair, rubbing the back of my neck with resigned irritation.

"Why don´t you just do it yourself?"

He shook his head.

"That is the whole point Kai, I am supposed to show him that I don´t give a shit. But if some hot guy shows up to support me….well, you know, It´ll make him jealous. Especially if it is you".

I stared at him, puzzled.

"And besides you have the meanest backhand I know".

Sometimes Rey came to conclusions that seemed totally foreign to me, although I was vaguely aware that even if I didn´t, I should have gotten it from the start. It was that part of me, the one grandfather had ruined, that sometimes struggled to grasp what others saw as the most basic things in life. Part of me would occasionally get incredibly frustrated by it, but with Rey present it was not really the time to dwell on the inner workings of my mind.

"I think he knows that I am not gay", I said, staring at him in confusion, still not getting it.

Rey looked at me, sighed heavily, hiding his face behind his hands in a gesture of complete exasperation.

"That is irrelevant! What I need is some hot guy to beat him up while his friends watch, that is all!"

"Why?"

He slammed both fists into the surface of the table, and I watched with a certain fascination as my cup of coffee literally jumped, black liquid splashing over Rey´s hand. He automatically stood to clean up the mess, and I took another bite of my pancake, deciding that perhaps it was better if I didn´t understand.

"Because Kai, in some strange, mean way it´ll make me feel better. So, there you go, I am a terrible person!"

He was getting dramatic again. I had a vague memory of him being like this the night before, when everyone had gathered at Tyson´s for a beer after I returned from Montauk.

"You are not a terrible person, at least not…..compared to…", I said trailed off, not realizing what I had said before it was too late.

Fuck!

Hiwatari you idiot!

I started picking at my food again, hoping to distract both him and myself. Rey, being his usual observant self had of course registered my slip almost immediately. It had not been a joke, although I had meant it to come out as one. Like I said, I am not a peoples person, and my behaviour is sometimes a bit…..strange, at least in the eyes of others. It had been some time since we had talked, really talked. The closest he had been to confronting me about my past was the day before grandfathers death, and this was over two years ago.

"I wish you´d talk to me", he said at length, having paused by the counter, coffee soaked tissue in hand.

"Really talk", he added when he caught my expression.

With a certain strain I wolfed down the rest of my breakfast, proceeding to stand. Better to escape before this turned into something. Yeah, sure, I was a coward, but right now I just couldn´t take anymore ripping up in the past. I had enough on my mind. Tonight I was having dinner with Frankie´s parents, and I was nervous as hell, I didn´t need this, not right now.

"I am not a talker", I responded, stalking out of the kitchen to brush my teeth.

"Oh but I´ll make you talk!" He called after me.

"Fuck off Kon".

I was off to work, but I didn´t stay there for long. After making a quick round and looking through a few reports I left. Everything was running smoothly, especially after I got rid of all the suspicious businesses that grandfather had accumulated over the years. He had undoubtedly had less than honourable plans for them, and I was pleased to see that Hiwatari enterprises were thriving without them.

I was making more money than I had ever thought possible, and although money was not something I was very interested in it did give a certain satisfaction knowing that I could run the business on my own. All the same; I had been groomed to do this, if I couldn´t then I certainly would be a failure, both to myself…..and to him.

The last thought came unbidden, although it was always there at the back of my mind, an ever nagging reminder. It was with a sense of intense bitterness that I acknowledged the extent of his influence. Had it not been for him I wouldn´t possess a third of the skills I had today.

Despite myself I was grateful in a way, even if I probably shouldn´t. It was all I knew, the only existence I could understand without confusion. I hated it, and I hated him, but deep down I still couldn´t let go, and that was when I actually acknowledged it for the first time.

Yes…..I did…miss him, grandfather.

I felt detached suddenly, empty, like a shell. Perhaps it was a defence mechanism, I don´t know. The headlights of the 458 lit up, its striking appearance producing at least a slight hint of….something. I sunk down in the drivers seat, briefly closing my eyes, exhaling, inhaling deeply. My throat felt constricted, tight, like something was blocking it. I blinked a couple of times, my eyes felt strange…..wet? Was…was I crying? The sensation was so unfamiliar that I didn´t understand it at first. Instead I caught a glint of my own face in the rear-view, cringing at the sight, disgusted.

An after-reaction I told myself, you are just in shock after yesterdays meeting. It is nothing, nothing at all. Pull yourself together for fucks sake!

I ran one hand awkwardly through my already messy hair, trying to calm my frantic breathing. It wasn´t working. With a certain desperation I rummaged around in the glove compartment until I found a pack of mint flavoured chewing gum that belonged to Frankie. I took two, chewing like there was no tomorrow. Man, what the fuck was wrong with me? I was a wreck, a complete wreck. With shaking hands I wiped away the tears, starting the engine before backing up. The familiar hum of the V8 felt oddly reassuring, and I grimaced at the unfamiliar, minty feel of the gum. I felt ashamed, stupid….weak….. I don´t know, everything was just messed up.

My timing was completely off, but I still drove out of town, drawn in that particular direction like a moth towards a flame. I hadn´t been there in a while, there had been too many other things to think about. Not that I had forgotten, how could I? Everything considered I felt a bit better about myself, and in an uncharacteristic moment of childishness I spat the gum out of the car-window.

Outside it was all warm and sunny, and as I drove slowly through the now familiar neighbourhood the strange sensation in my throat returned. Was this what he had taken from me? Looking around at the well kept houses, children and families having a good time in their gardens, basking in the sun, I did feel a sense of loss.

It was strange, how can you miss something you have never had?

I parked a cross the street again, surreptitiously eying the yellow house on the other side. It looked the same as last time, welcoming, homey. A Land Cruiser was parked in the driveway, and I could see the silhouettes of people through the kitchen windows. I wondered if she was there, my mother. Would she remember me? Did she ever think about me?

Questions, questions, an endless stream of them. There was so much I wanted to know, to ask her. Like why she left me, who my father was, why had she not contacted me after grandfather´s death? I looked over at the house again, debating wheatear or not to approach. Deep down I knew I shouldn´t. I was still all riled up after yesterday, or perhaps just in general. With a certain restlessness I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel. What to do?

My broodings were disturbed by a sudden knocking on the window, and I abruptly looked up, startled. I rarely got distracted like this, and I inwardly cursed myself for not paying better attention to my surroundings. Shit!

I man in his early thirties was standing outside, looking at me with a combination of curiosity and suspicion. He looked like he was military, with the classic haircut and the demeanour of someone that was used to being obeyed. I rolled down the window, feeling slightly apprehensive. This was not good, part of me felt like a child that had just been caught doing something he shouldn´t. Judging by the guys expression he was thinking the same thing.

"Hi there, can I help you with something?" He asked, voice friendly but with an edge.

For a tense couple of seconds my mind went completely blank, before I quickly got my shit together.

"I think I might be lost", I said, cursing my own stupidity.

That had to be the lamest excuse ever.

"Lost?" He repeated, not looking convinced at all.

"I have seen you here before, at least the car".

He gave the 458 an appraising look, and I schooled my features, staring blankly at him.

"You must be mistaken, I have never been here before", I said shortly.

We looked at each other, and I exploited the moments silence to start the engine.

"I have to get going"

"But you said you were lost…." His voice disappeared as I rudely drove off without another word.

I watched the guy disappear in the rear-view, standing on the sidewalk looking after me. Damn! For some irrational reason I burst out laughing. It was ridiculous. With a shaky inhale of breath I blasted onto the highway. This time I drove home. Rey was not present, and with some relief I jogged upstairs to shower. I needed some alone time before heading over to Frankie´s. It wasn´t that I was nervous, not exactly. There was merely something about social situations that exhausted me, and particularly when I felt that I had to be on my best behaviour. I was seeing her parents after all, and I really wanted this to work. Thus making a good first impression was essential.

I really had to pull my shit together. No weird stuff this time. I cringed at the awfully fresh memory of the guy outside my supposed mother´s house. How stupid could one be? In my somewhat unstable state of mind I hadn´t even considered the possibility that driving a Ferrari into suburbia could possibly attract attention. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Anyway, the guy had only seen me there what, twice? I would just have to maintain a low profile in the future, and perhaps drive another car.

I pondered what had happened for sometime, wondering wheatear or not it would be safe to return there. Quite frankly the whole thing was a bit…..depressing. Some neighbour was suspicious of me, and thus I wasn´t sure if it was safe to visit my own mother, whom I had never met, and who had no interest in seeing me. Right.

Sooner or later I would have to confront her, I knew that. Normally I preferred the straight forward approach, but somehow everything had been turned upside down. Part of me was full of hatred over the fact that she had not searched me out, that she had left me with him. And then on the other hand I was still hoping, as naive as that may be.

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"You really are beautiful!" He marvelled, eyes glittering.

I didn´t respond. What was I supposed to say? He was circling me like a predator stalking his prey, and although I was distinctly uncomfortable I didn´t show it.

They had taken my clothes, and I was standing in the middle of the room, naked, goose-bumps rising on my arms.

It was humiliating, and with a sense of bittersweet rage I was forced to stand there until he gestured at me to put my clothes back on. I dressed quickly, eyes downcast. Modesty was something I rarely felt. In Balcov Abbey you never showered or dressed alone. Either you were surrounded by other "students" or in my case, guards.

That being said grandfather intimidated me to such an extent that I felt awkward and inadequate in everything I did whenever he was present. In addition to the fact that his fascination with me was not normal. Granted that he had never touched me in a sexual way, but deep down I was terrified that one day he would.

It was in his eyes, a desire, and I knew it had something to do with me. Whenever he looked at me I felt it, and thus I detached myself further from reality, brooding.

Grandfather looked thoughtfully at me, clearly contemplating something.

"Sit", he said at length, gesturing at a nearby chair.

I did as I was told, forcing myself to relax when he came to stand behind me, resting both hands on my shoulders. The touch made my skin crawl, and I couldn´t quite supress the scowl, jaw tightening. If I had only been able to bring the switchblade I had hidden in my cell…..if only…

"You know little phoenix, that you are nothing like your father", he said, sounding pleased.

He had my attention in a heartbeat. My father, a man I had never met, someone I couldn´t even remember. Grandfather held all the pieces on the chess board, all the cards in our everlasting game. He knew that I craved information above all else, almost as much as my own freedom. It was so tempting, oh so tempting, to just ask him, to take the bait.

An amused chuckle was heard as he felt the unmistakable tension return to my now rigid shoulders.

"Curious are you?" He questioned, voice silky smooth, on the edge of menacing.

"Yes grandfather", I dutifully responded, voice flat, but with a brittle quality to it that he immediately picked up on.

He moved his hand further up, resting it at the base of my neck. I resisted the urge to shudder in disgust. Not only because of him, but because I, in my extreme loneliness, despite all the things he had done to me, got some sort of strange messed up comfort out of it. It confused me, bothered me. I hated his touch, but deep down I also craved it.

"Well then, if you could ask one question, what would it be?"

I dug my nails into my palms almost as a reflex to his question, the slight stinging sensation clearing my mind a bit.

Here we go again, the games, him playing and manipulating.

I shouldn´t answer, shouldn´t say anything. However what you should do and what you want to do does not always coincide. There were so many things I wanted to know, so much he could tell me, but that he never would. Don´t, don´t do it, it is not going to get you anywhere! But no, I couldn´t resist, I had to ask, had to at least try.

"What was he like…my…father?"

I sounded more insecure than I would have liked, but it was too late for that now.

He laughed out loud, affectionately riffling my hair.

"He was a pitiful creature, scared and dull, average intelligence, overweight…..".

I didn´t dare look at him. The venom in his voice was unmistakable. He had taken my father´s failure as a Hiwatari personally, even if it had nothing to do with him. I felt sick. He left me in the chair, agitatedly pacing back and forth. I stood up, following his movements from the corner of my eyes.

"He was never worthy of being a Hiwatari to begin with".

He paused, looking straight at me.

"You on the other hand…you are perfect"

"Everything I could have ever wanted"…..

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