Nothing, nothing compared to how confused Severus felt after that afternoon. He had only been worried about his mother- how was he supposed to have any idea Lily would get hurt like that? And he hated the fact that he needed her help, too, could not even defend himself against stupid Potter. He'd had his wand, for Merlin's sake! Why hadn't he used it? What a wimp he was. But it only enforced the decision he had made. She deserved better than him, and he would only scar her worse later on. He closed his eyes.
He was spread out on his bed trying to study, but it wasn't working. Charms was not his strong point as it was, but now… "Might help if you turned on the light, mate," came the voice of Michael Mulciber, and he inwardly groaned. Though his often over-aggressive dorm mate had mellowed out with his teasing since the first day, he wasn't exactly the kind of person you wanted around in these situations.
"Leave me alone." "You're not pouting, are you?" Mulciber was frowning, as if he didn't approve of such a thing, and Severus turned his back on him as the light came on. "Yes. Now leave me alone." "Not a chance. I heard about your little squall with that bell- Lily, isn't that right? I know all about it."
No movement came from the bed.
"She's better off without me. Go away and stop pretending to care." Their other roommates were off enjoying the carefree weekend, and the silence and quite of the cool dormitory had been blessed while it lasted. "I see how attached you two are, the way you look at her. You fancy her." This was an attempt at a jab, and a good one. Everyone knew Lily was his sore spot.
"Shut up, Mulciber. I do not." "Yeah? Then why are you hiding in here pretending to study?"
Now, now Severus was hot, so much so that his cheeks burned red, but he would never let anyone- Lily being the obvious exception- know that it had nothing to do with her, and everything to do with his mother. The real reason brought him too much shame.
"I am not pretending. Flitwick is giving a quiz next class." "Don't like to me, Snape. You're obsessed with a puny little Gryffindor. How pathetic is that? You know what; it's a good thing you broke up with your precious girlfriend. Her better off without you- you're better off without her. Grow up and get over yourself." That, that hurt worse than anything else had, like a stab. Mulciber could not know anything and had just proved it.
He could never know how much he missed her, or how often he thought about her. "Isn't it almost time for dinner?" he heard himself asking, though he didn't know why. He had a constant stomachache from reminding himself that this was for Lily's own good. "Yeah, it is. Guess I'll see down there. And I'll tell you, I'm glad you stopped caring about her." "I never cared."
Mulciber left, smirking... it was all hollow…