Olivia held Alex until she managed to fall back into a fitful sleep. When they woke up in the morning, Olivia made pancakes for breakfast, and Alex set the table. "Do you think Lily's awake?" she asked.
Olivia shrugged. "Probably. Do you want me to go check?"
"Okay."
Olivia walked toward Lily's bedroom and rapped lightly on her door. "Lily, can I come in?" she said when she got no reply.
"No," came the muffled answer.
"Are you okay?"
"Go away."
Olivia sighed and leaned against the door. "I made chocolate chip pancakes for you."
"I don't want them."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
Olivia understood why Lily was upset, so she just went back to the kitchen. "She's not hungry."
Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm going to go check on her."
Olivia bit her lip, but she didn't argue. She waited almost fifteen minutes for Alex, and when Alex still hadn't returned, she started to worry. She went to check on the two of them.
Olivia stopped in front of Lily's bedroom door and knocked. When neither of them answered, she inched the door open anyway, and her heart constricted when she saw Alex curled up on the bed, her arms holding her daughter in a protective embrace. Tears stained both of their faces, and as Olivia walked into the room, Alex tightened her hold on Lily. Both of them looked up, wearing identical expressions – sadness tinged with fear.
Olivia chewed on her lower lip. Finally, she climbed onto the bed beside her girls and wrapped her arms around both of them. Alex's body shuddered in Olivia's embrace, but she didn't pull away.
"I love you," Olivia whispered in Alex's ear, and felt the tension gradually leave Alex's body. Alex leaned into her, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder, and Olivia gave her a kiss. Lily cuddled up against them, and within minutes she was asleep.
Finally, after moments of silence, Alex rolled onto her other side, bringing her tearstained face up to meet Olivia's, her eyes weary and dull. "I used to be so beautiful," she said quietly, her voice hoarse from her crying.
Olivia's breath caught in her throat, and she held Alex tighter. "You still are, baby."
Alex shook her head, burying her face in the crook of Olivia's neck. "You used to – you used to love to touch me, and I always wanted you to. But now – I can't stand for anyone to touch me, to even look at me, and that's not your fault – it's mine. And I'm ugly. Why would you want to touch me now? How could you want me now? I have scars all over, everywhere – how could you find that beautiful?"
"Baby, your scars aren't ugly. You're right that I hate them, but that doesn't mean I hate you. I hate what that man did to you, and I wish with all my heart that he hadn't done it, that I could have protected you. I still want you, and I will always want you, just because you're you. I love you, and I think you're beautiful, just because you're you. And when you're ready, if you want to, we can make love, and it might not be just the same as before, but it'll be perfect just the same, because there's no one in the world I want, or love, more than you. And no matter what, Alex, even when you're old and wrinkled and your hair starts to go gray, you'll always be beautiful to me."
Alex smiled weakly. "Aw, thanks. I really needed that picture in my mind of my impending old age."
Olivia chuckled. "Not quite impending, angel. You've got a ways to go yet."
"Having a daughter ages us, Liv."
"She's only four, baby. Wait until she's a teenager!"
Alex groaned. "Please don't make me think about that yet."
Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head. "She's a good kid, Alex. I can't wait to watch her grow up, and enjoy every second of our life with her. The three of us."
Alex's words were barely audible. "Me, too."
Olivia combed her fingers through Alex's hair and smiled at her. "You're so beautiful, baby," she said quietly.
Alex lowered her eyes and didn't say anything.
Olivia kissed the crown of her head, and gently lifted Alex's chin. "You are."
Alex rolled over and draped her arm around Lily's shoulders. "Liv, she was scared."
Olivia knitted her brows, unsure where Alex was going with this. "Who was scared, baby?"
"Lily."
"Of what?"
Alex's next words were so quiet that Olivia had to strain to hear them. "Me. My baby was scared of me."
Olivia sighed and hugged Alex tighter. "That isn't your fault, baby."
"Yes, it is!"
Realizing she wasn't going to get anywhere with Alex, she changed tactics. "You know, maybe it would be good for Lily to have someone to talk to."
"She has us."
"I know, but there's only so much we can do for her, and I think it might help."
"You mean a therapist," said Alex flatly.
"Sweetie, it's not a reflection on you, or me, or our parenting. I just think it might help Lily, and that's the important thing. She's gone through more than any child her age should ever have to go through, and it's understandable that she's still suffering from the aftereffects. Maybe she – maybe all of us – just need a little bit of extra help. That's all."
Alex took a deep breath, but she finally nodded. "For Lily."
"That's right." Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead and gave her a kiss. "I can ask Huang for a referral. Only the best for our little girl, okay?"
Alex nodded again. "Okay."
Olivia bit her lip. "Alex, I know you're going to be really against this –"
"What a wonderful way to preface a suggestion."
"Well, it's more like – just hear me out first, and don't bite my head off, okay?"
"Okay."
"Maybe it would help you, to talk to someone."
"I have you."
"I know, baby, and I'm doing my best, but Alex, there's no shame in asking for more help. I love you, but I'm not a psychologist."
"I don't need a psychologist."
Olivia sighed. "Sweetheart, I won't force you to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I really think it's a good idea."
Alex hesitated. "Will you come with me?" she finally asked.
Olivia gave Alex's hand a squeeze. "Of course, baby, for as long as you need me to. But eventually, I think it will help if you talk to her by yourself."
Alex nodded. "You've changed. Four years ago, you hated shrinks."
Olivia took a deep breath. She'd been to see a therapist for the first few weeks after Alex had gone missing, and she'd been resistant at the beginning, but it had helped. "Yeah, well, I just want to help you, baby. And I'll do whatever it takes."
"I know." Alex smiled weakly. "You love me."
"That's right, baby. More than anything."
Alex buried her face in Olivia's shoulder and nodded once more.
"So how about I give Huang a call, Alex? I'll see if he can set up an appointment with a child psychologist next week for Lily, and one for you, too."
"Okay," Alex finally agreed, and Olivia gave her a smile.
"I know you can do this, baby. You're strong."
"Oh, Liv," was all Alex could say. She closed her eyes and tried not to worry.
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